Hi, Sorry, I've wriiten such a long post, I hope you will plough through it.
We are in an uncomfortable situation with our daughter-in-law. Our son had a relationship with a young girl when he was 18, and they had 2 girls. They separated when the youngest was a few weeks off turning one. He since formed a relationship with our DIL and they now have 3 girls. My husband and I have had regular contact with the first two girls. Every weekend for 4 years plus days in between. Now it is every 2nd weekend for a year. They lived with us for 10 months before my son and former partner separated. It has been very very hard for us at times but we looked after these children because they needed it. It's a long story of neglect, in many forms. And my son has played his part in their neglect as he basically gave them the flick to focus on the new girlfriend... and every thing you worry about happening to kids did happen to these two. It has been constant stress and worry. And certainly a situation we didn't choose. We've sacrafised a social life, our time and money, in a time of our lives when we would have much rather have just focused on enjoying each others company and make the most of our life together but through it all we have a good strong bond/relationship with these two. They are very comfortable here and we love them dearly. We have not had the constant contact with the next 3. they haven't needed us to be there like the first two. They have a large extended family that love them dearly and I am grateful for that and believe my daughter-in-law does a fantastic job caring for them in all ways. And truthfully we feel burnt out and don't want our lives filled up with more kids. The first two would have been okay if their mother was able to care for them but she did not. The first 2 have basically nothing, the other 3 have everything little kids need and more. My daughter-in-law has told me off twice now because she thinks we care about the mother of the first 2 girls more than her? Which is far from the truth. I actually have many feelings of resentment and anger towards the first girl, for many valid reasons.
My DIL thinks we have the 2 girls way too much, and she is right, I agree, we do have them far too much. But what do we do about it now, give them the flick to keep DIL happy? By the way, son and DIL do not have access to these 2 kids. They see them here and there at our home when they just happen to call in, there is never any plan to see them. My oldest granddaughter is a pure delight, kind, thoughtful, caring, funny, bright. Just such a special sole. It breaks my heart to see her delight in seeing her Dad and he ignores her. She talks and talks and talks to them and gets little or no response. It makes me angry and sad.
So, the latest upset happened because my oldest granddaughter told DIL "me and mum drove past your house to have a look" and "you went for a holiday". My DIL pounced on me the next day saying "I'm pissed off that you have told them where we live and they even know we went away". "I wish you didn't tell them anything about our lives" "I don't want their mother knowing anything about us at all".
Well, I was shocked and therefore speechless. I felt like telling her to grow up. But ended up apologising to her and telling her "I did not go out of my way to tell the kids anything, sometimes kids hear things that are said".
When I got home, I cried and cried as this is the 2nd time she has attacked me like this and I mean attacked, with raised voice and all. I would never treat her like this.
She changed her tune when her mother walked out to greet us, turned to sugar and spice.

How do we deal with this situation, I will not give up on the first two. How do I deal with DIL's insecure feelings. She admitted she felt insecure. She is a hard girl to talk to, never starts a conversation, just sits and sulks a lot. I'm fed up with treading on eggshells around her.

By the way, how's this. 4 nights ago when we visited them, they asked how much we were seeing kids. We told them still every 2nd weekend. They then continued to complain that they have had the child support raised because the mother is claiming that she has 100% access. Which in their eyes was wrong because we have them. They believe the money should be lowered to reflect the time that we have the children. They then asked to borrow $6,000.00 to be given back to us when car #4 is sold. They can then buy $17,000.00 car #5.
So I give them $2,000.00 that day and drive 50kms to their home next day to give them the rest (had to wait for bank as could not withdraw all from ATM in the one day)
They buy car and then drive the 50 kms to our town, (where DIL parents also live) take car to show DIL parents, and tell me off as I came up the driveway.

Sad and hurting