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    carolpompee's Avatar
    carolpompee Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 11, 2008, 10:04 AM
    I'm have to choose between my children and my boyfriend
    I'm the kind of person who is very passive and easy going. Mostly because at the first sign of confrontation I give in. I was divorced 3+ years ago after 20 years. My children hated their father and demanded he leave. He was dominateing and abrassive. They said he was cheating on me but I doubt it. None the less I desided it was best for my family to separate. At that time my oldest daughter then 19 insisted I never date as long as they were at home. I had no intention of doing so. However, I have met someone who I love and makes me very happy. He is also some what controlling and insists that certain rules be obeyed in the house. i.e. no underage drinking, no boyfriends spending the night. Helping with housework. And to the older girls, now 19 and 22, paying $50 a month rent to help with expsence. Also that they take care of their own animals, which I have always done. My older daughter had her boyfriend over to spend the night which I didn't know until that next morning. I don't appove of him but That's "none of my business". When my fieance asked to have a talk with him that next morning all hell broke lose. Now my children, no 22,19, 17 and their boyfriends took a vote and if I don't make my fience leave they will all move out and never speak to me again. The question I have is do I have a right to have someone in my life or not as long as my chiildren live at home? They think I've betraid them. I've never not been there for them and I think I am now but they hate this man. This is the hardest thing I ever had to decide. I could use some help.
    MasuBhat's Avatar
    MasuBhat Posts: 128, Reputation: 3
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    #2

    Feb 11, 2008, 10:11 AM
    I also hate demanding father.. mine's like that... so I giv child side,, EVIL FATHER OUT!
    I wish I could say that to mine!
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
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    #3

    Feb 11, 2008, 10:13 AM
    It does sound as though your children have ruled your life and are somewhat out of control. But they are your children not his.
    It sounds to me like you have always allowed someone else to tell you what to do and how to live in your own home. I see this man as trying to push his way into that role now.

    You have to learn to live your life the way that you want to and stop putting everyone's happiness above yours. You deserve to be respected and not to be taken advantage of by anyone else. Sit and think about what you want , what type of order you want in your house and how you want to be treated. Then take steps toward making that happen.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #4

    Feb 11, 2008, 10:18 AM
    WHY do they hate him? Because he has rules that they don't like? Because he's enforcing rules on adult children in YOUR house?

    There's more to this than just choosing between him and them.

    If HE is spending the night (or worse--LIVING!) with you, then it's hypocritical to not allow boyfriends to sleep over for THEM, don't you think?

    If it's YOUR house, then YOU need to establish the rules.

    However... in your own words he is "somewhat controlling". Could that be the concern your children have--that you're being controlled by this man?

    Bottom line is this: If it's YOUR house, then this man has no right to make rules for YOUR children. Period.

    I don't blame your kids for being upset with that.

    As far as choosing between your kids and your boyfriend---how could you even consider NOT choosing your kids?
    Gernald's Avatar
    Gernald Posts: 901, Reputation: 93
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    #5

    Feb 11, 2008, 10:22 AM
    Er... hello. That guy is not demanding he's right. No underage drinking, what type of parent are you if you don't have a problem with underage drinking? He sounds like a good guy and I think he has it right, he's trying to help your kids grow up.
    I totally agree with bushg. It's awful to have to pick between the two but your kids are adults, they need to act like it!
    For starts taking care of there own animals... well yea there their animals. I'd get rid of them if they weren't taking care of them.
    If they move out they will quickly realise what they take for granted. If paying $50 a month is bad, paying actual rent of $200 pluss food will kill them and they'll be a bit more grateful.
    You are the parent, it's your job to be their parent not their friend! You need to step up to the plate, they will never hate you, and trust me they will come back. You have betrayed no one... they have betrayed you. They don't want you to be happy and have what you want.
    My only question is why does this guy put up with your kids?
    They sound like brats!
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #6

    Feb 11, 2008, 10:28 AM
    I didn't say the rules were unreasonable---just that they shouldn't be HIS rules, in a house that isn't HIS.

    ESPECIALLY if he's being hypocritical about it -- no boyfriends sleeping over means HE can't sleep over, either.

    Mom needs to step up and make her OWN rules and enforce them. Her boyfriend shouldn't be disciplining her kids, especially if they are adults.
    Cheshire2008's Avatar
    Cheshire2008 Posts: 74, Reputation: 17
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    #7

    Feb 11, 2008, 10:37 AM
    Now my children, no 22,19, 17 and their boyfriends took a vote and if I don't make my fience leave they will all move out and never speak to me again.


    Ok there is a lot going on here.
    Definitely some counseling need here
    What are your boundaries? Obviously none.
    What do you want? Your children running your life? Or your boyfriend (fiance)?
    Are you putting your boyfriend in an ugly position by making him the bad guy because you do not want to speak your mind to your children. That what it sounds like to me. He loves you and is standing up for you because your kids run all over you.
    How is it not your business what happens in your home.?


    I think you need to run your life.
    But if you want this man in your life he needs to have some say as well.
    You are dfinitly not a united front with your children.
    Why are your children not contributing to the household? Are they in school ?
    Why are you still supporting them as adults.
    I don't feel $50. Is much at all especially if they have jobs..

    You're kids are voting on who stays in your home!!
    .
    Blended families are always tough and dealing with children after divorce can be hard.
    I think you need to get some help here find a counselor who you feel comfortable with.
    Talk through your thoughts and issues be honest.

    Is this man controlling your life? Is this something you seek out in people.
    When your children leave are you going to be alone and allways seeking their approval
    Sound pre marriage preparation is a key in avoiding the pitfalls
    That accompany blended families. Unfortunately the divorce rate is
    Higher for second marriages (60% end in divorce) than it is for the
    First (approximately 50%). Most people entering marriage expect it
    To last a lifetime but more often than not, it doesn't. Before
    Making a lifelong commitment it is crucial that you take time to
    Really know your partner and make sure this relationship is right
    For you and your children. The last thing you want to do is put
    Yourself or children you may have through the devastation of a
    Failed relationship.
    Check out this site about blended families I did it is called blendedfamilyfocus.com
    Good luck this is a crucial time My thoughts are with you
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #8

    Feb 11, 2008, 11:06 AM
    WHOA!

    Holy cow, what's with the disagrees?

    I've stated that SHE needs to make the rules.

    I haven't stated that rules don't need to be in place!

    I'm stating that a mere boyfriend really shouldn't have a say in what happens in his girlfriend's house, with his girlfriend's adult kids.

    SHE NEEDS TO MAKE THE RULES, NOT HIM.

    I agree her kids need to grow up--but it is NOT the boyfriend's right to tell them to do so. Their MOTHER needs to do this.

    My main point is who the heck chooses a boyfriend over their own kids? And who lets someone ELSE make the rules in their house? Someone who is being controlled, that's who. I think her kids may have a valid point, is all.

    I really don't think this is just a disagreement about some guy making rules they don't like--I think there is more going on here.

    But hey--whatever. Yes, her kids are spoiled---but where do YOU people get off saying that some unrelated guy that she happens to be dating (and she doesn't say how LONG they have been dating either) should be the one to correct that?

    Also... she states she got out of a relationship from a "dominating and abusive" man just 3 years ago. She does NOT state whether she got counseling for that. Without counseling, she may have fallen for yet another dominating and abusive man, because cycles like that are hard to break. Which means, in the end, that her kids may have a point about this guy, especially since she states that he's "a little bit controlling".
    yathink103's Avatar
    yathink103 Posts: 27, Reputation: 2
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    #9

    Feb 11, 2008, 11:09 AM
    First off blood is thicker than water. However your girls seem like they can not respect athority. Your boyfriend is trying to do the right thing but it is not his place to do so it is yours. I see nothing bad about his rules but they should be your rules since you are their mother. Stop letting people control you it seems your girls are. How do you feel about this man? Remember your girls will grow up and leave your home. Do you see yourself with this man after that? If so tell the girls that you think his rules are acceptable and you will enforce them. They are old ejnough to get out on their own if they don't like it.
    wewed100606's Avatar
    wewed100606 Posts: 228, Reputation: 36
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    #10

    Feb 11, 2008, 12:02 PM
    I am not going to give advice here, because I think there is a lot more going on than you are sharing with us. Not calling you a liar... I just think some pertanent things were probably omitted without knowing it.

    I think you should maybe sit down with your children and listen to why they don't approve of your fiancé. They are probably trying to look out for you because the last thing they want to see is you hurting like you were with their father. They are probably going about it the wrong way, but they have good intentions I think.

    Synnen was right on one thing for sure, and that is that you need to make the rules. I think from the sounds of it you probably need some assertiveness training. I think you need some confidence in yourself. I don't think you have a lot of that. I feel like you are like me and depend on other people for your own self-worth.

    Counselling would be a good step. I think going with your kids to family therapy would be a great thing... for everyone. It doesn't sound like the healing process from your divorce has really even started yet?

    I wish you the best of luck. I hope I helped even a little!

    And just for the record... no man or partner worth a damn would make you chose them or your children. They would either sit down and figure it out, or ask to leave to save you the agony of making that choice. I know he isn't the one who made the ultimatum, but other than your children he is the only one who can diffuse it.
    shygrneyzs's Avatar
    shygrneyzs Posts: 5,017, Reputation: 936
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    #11

    Feb 11, 2008, 02:18 PM
    I'd kick the whole lot out and change the locks and have peace and quiet for once! Adult children need to live on their own and establish their own rules in their own place. Your boyfriend, while right on some of the issues, does not have a place taking over. You said he is controlling - you must like that or you would not be in that position. If you think he is controlling now, just wait. It will not get better.

    You need a spine. I am serious when I say to get everyone out - chiildren, animals, men, anything that moves that is not you. THEN get to the business of discovering yourself. Find your strengths and your weakness - one is that you cannot say no to anyone. Learn how to stand on your own two feet and to stand up for your own beliefs. STOP being a doormat.
    froggy7's Avatar
    froggy7 Posts: 1,801, Reputation: 242
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    #12

    Feb 11, 2008, 03:48 PM
    I'm going to second shygrneyzs here. It sounds to me like you have no control over your own life here. The only two options you see are either letting your boyfriend run things, or letting your kids run things. I'd seriously suggest kicking them all out, and getting into some counseling/therapy and figuring out how to take control back. And let how people react to that give you some guidance on who you should trust. Those who think it's a good idea and are supportive probably have your best interests at heart. If they try and stop you, or tell you you don't need to go talk to some shrink, they don't.
    Gernald's Avatar
    Gernald Posts: 901, Reputation: 93
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    #13

    Feb 12, 2008, 11:12 AM
    I was thinking about this post all day and I remember something very important that my dad told me when I had to do something I didn't like.
    Parenting is a dictatorship not a democracy.
    Maybe your kids need to realize this.
    Try talking to your boyfriend. Tell him that you don't want to have to choose and that you want him to let up for a little while on some of his stricter rules. If he really loves you then he will listen and try (though maybe not succuesfully) to not be so tough. In the main time get your act togeather and be a parent not a friend. Your home life is not Survivor, or the Biggest Looser... it's your house.
    I think the only reason he's come up with the rules it to make your life easier. He probably sees what brats your kids are and feels bad that they do not help you more. Sit the whole bunch down one night at dinner and tell them how you feel. Maybe speak to your boyfriend a little first and tell him what your going to say. Then tell your kids how it makes you feel to have them making your decisions for you. Tell them the truth about how you feel and say. Ask for some input from them, like what makes them hate the man so much. If it's that they have to actually get of their lazy buts and do something, tell them that you messed up raising them and that they're lazy! If it's for another more validated reason then think about what they're saying. And tell your daughter that if she can't even support herself then she can't support a child. Tell her when she has her own home and her own money to support a kid then she can sleep with who ever she wants.
    Quick question... this man isn't like your x is he? He dosen't hit you? Or anything? Besides wanting a better more structured life is he really all that bad?
    xxsexyxjadexx's Avatar
    xxsexyxjadexx Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Feb 13, 2008, 08:11 AM
    OK I have no idea what to say but never forget your childeren just for a man now that is sad
    MasuBhat's Avatar
    MasuBhat Posts: 128, Reputation: 3
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    #15

    Feb 13, 2008, 08:13 AM
    it is NOT the boyfriend's right to tell them to do so
    I AGEREE.
    Gernald's Avatar
    Gernald Posts: 901, Reputation: 93
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    #16

    Feb 13, 2008, 09:29 AM
    Quote:
    It is NOT the boyfriend's right to tell them to do so


    Well it's not the kids place to tell the parent what to do either is it?



    Quote: OK I have no idea what to say but never forget your childeren just for a man now that is sad

    That seems to be her predicament isn't it. Anyway I don't think she wants to dump her kids, they want to dump her... that's family love isn't it? They're really making her make an unfair decision.
    froggy7's Avatar
    froggy7 Posts: 1,801, Reputation: 242
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    #17

    Feb 13, 2008, 08:41 PM
    I'm still a bit boggled by the fact that OP divorced her first husband (her kids' father!) because the kids told her to. The family dynamics are really out of whack in this family.
    Gernald's Avatar
    Gernald Posts: 901, Reputation: 93
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    #18

    Feb 13, 2008, 08:56 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by froggy7
    I'm still a bit boggled by the fact that OP divorced her first husband (her kids' father!) because the kids told her to. The family dynamics are really out of whack in this family.
    Good point.
    I wonder if she ever actually makes her own decisions? :)
    pasiria's Avatar
    pasiria Posts: 161, Reputation: 29
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    #19

    Feb 13, 2008, 09:38 PM
    I'll say something real simple... my two sisters, my brother and I were each paying rent at age 18 $350 plus expenses minimum, and we were in college. We moved out to let our parents be happy. You should not be taking care of animals. You are a victim of abuse. If you can't afford a counselor, buy the book "The Emotionally Abused Women" You deserve to be happy. I think he see's how vulnerable and weak you are and he is trying to help. Those rules do not sound harsh to me, they sound like normal rules everyone has to follow. You are an adult, speak up for yourself and if you agree with your boyfriend, tell your kids, otherwise he'll be blamed.
    MOWERMAN2468's Avatar
    MOWERMAN2468 Posts: 3,214, Reputation: 243
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    #20

    Feb 14, 2008, 05:27 AM
    You have to make your own decisions. Your daughters don't want you dating, but think its OK to let a boyfriend spend the night? Wow, sounds to me like they need to be out on their own. You need to be the parent here and let them know the rules and insist they obey them. As for the fiance', why do women seem to stay with jerks, if he is falling into the role of the first husband, perhaps you need to evaluate that situation as well.

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