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I'm have to choose between my children and my boyfriend
I'm the kind of person who is very passive and easy going. mostly because at the first sign of confrontation I give in. I was divorced 3+ years ago after 20 years. my children hated their father and demanded he leave. He was dominateing and abrassive. they said he was cheating on me but I doubt it. None the less I desided it was best for my family to seperate. at that time my oldest daughter then 19 insisted I never date as long as they were at home. I had no intention of doing so. However, I have met someone who I love and makes me very happy. He is also some what controlling and insists that certian rules be obeyed in the house. i.e. no underage drinking, no boyfriends spending the night. helping with housework. and to the older girls, now 19 and 22, paying $50 a month rent to help with expsence. Also that they take care of thier own animals, which I have alway done. My older daughter had her boyfriend over to spend the night which I didn't know until that next morning. I don't appove of him but Thats "none of my business". When my fieance asked to have a talk with him that next morning all hell broke lose. Now my children, no 22,19, 17 and thier boyfriends took a vote and if I don't make my fience leave they will all move out and never speak to me again. The question I have is do I have a right to have someone in my life or not as long as my chiildren live at home? They think I've betraid them. I've never not been there for them and I think I am now but they hate this man. This is the hardest thing I ever had to deside. I could use some help.
I'd kick the whole lot out and change the locks and have peace and quiet for once! Adult children need to live on their own and establish their own rules in their own place. Your boyfriend, while right on some of the issues, does not have a place taking over. You said he is controlling - you must like that or you would not be in that position. If you think he is controlling now, just wait. It will not get better.
You need a spine. I am serious when I say to get everyone out - chiildren, animals, men, anything that moves that is not you. THEN get to the business of discovering yourself. Find your strengths and your weakness - one is that you cannot say no to anyone. Learn how to stand on your own two feet and to stand up for your own beliefs. STOP being a doormat.
I'm going to second shygrneyzs here. It sounds to me like you have no control over your own life here. The only two options you see are either letting your boyfriend run things, or letting your kids run things. I'd seriously suggest kicking them all out, and getting into some counseling/therapy and figuring out how to take control back. And let how people react to that give you some guidance on who you should trust. Those who think it's a good idea and are supportive probably have your best interests at heart. If they try and stop you, or tell you you don't need to go talk to some shrink, they don't.
I was thinking about this post all day and I remember something very important that my dad told me when I had to do something I didn't like.
Parenting is a dictatorship not a democracy.
Maybe your kids need to realize this.
Try talking to your boyfriend. Tell him that you don't want to have to choose and that you want him to let up for a little while on some of his stricter rules. If he really loves you then he will listen and try (though maybe not succuesfully) to not be so tough. In the main time get your act togeather and be a parent not a friend. Your home life is not Survivor, or the Biggest Looser....it's your house.
I think the only reason he's come up with the rules it to make your life easier. He probably sees what brats your kids are and feels bad that they do not help you more. Sit the whole bunch down one night at dinner and tell them how you feel. Maybe speak to your boyfriend a little first and tell him what your going to say. Then tell your kids how it makes you feel to have them making your decisions for you. Tell them the truth about how you feel and say. Ask for some input from them, like what makes them hate the man so much. If it's that they have to actually get of their lazy buts and do something, tell them that you messed up raising them and that they're lazy! If it's for another more validated reason then think about what they're saying. And tell your daughter that if she can't even support herself then she can't support a child. Tell her when she has her own home and her own money to support a kid then she can sleep with who ever she wants.
Quick question...this man isn't like your x is he? He dosen't hit you? or anything? Besides wanting a better more structured life is he really all that bad?
Quote:
it is NOT the boyfriend's right to tell them to do so
Well it's not the kids place to tell the parent what to do either is it?
Quote: ok i have no idea what to say but never forget ur childeren just for a man now that is sad
That seems to be her predicament isn't it. Anyway I don't think she wants to dump her kids, they want to dump her....that's family love isn't it? They're really making her make an unfair decision.
I'm still a bit boggled by the fact that OP divorced her first husband (her kids' father!) because the kids told her to. The family dynamics are really out of whack in this family.
I'm still a bit boggled by the fact that OP divorced her first husband (her kids' father!) because the kids told her to. The family dynamics are really out of whack in this family.
Good point.
I wonder if she ever actually makes her own decisions?
I'll say something real simple...my two sisters, my brother and I were each paying rent at age 18 $350 plus expenses minimum, and we were in college. We moved out to let our parents be happy. You should not be taking care of animals. You are a victim of abuse. If you can't afford a counselor, buy the book "The Emotionally Abused Women" You deserve to be happy. I think he see's how vulnerable and weak you are and he is trying to help. Those rules do not sound harsh to me, they sound like normal rules everyone has to follow. You are an adult, speak up for yourself and if you agree with your boyfriend, tell your kids, otherwise he'll be blamed.
you have to make your own decisions. your daughters don't want you dating, but think its ok to let a boyfriend spend the night? wow, sounds to me like they need to be out on their own. You need to be the parent here and let them know the rules and insist they obey them. as for the fiance', why do women seem to stay with jerks, if he is falling into the role of the first husband, perhaps you need to evaluate that situation as well.
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