I'm in an abusive relationship with my mom, she hates me as well.

unspeaken21 · #1 Mar 14, 2009, 08:07 PM

Im 22 years old. The older I get the more my mom and me have trouble.

Here is some info:
-she and my dad have a bad relationship, he abuses her, and so does she in her own way.
-my mom is sick of my dad and wants to get divorced but always uses my siblings (mostly me) to help her get divorced or better with my dad
- my parents talks bad about each other to make us have sides
-they pretend we are in a happy family
-they use me as the middle person to settle agreements

the reason why i mentioned all the above is because i want you to understand my position.. now about the relationship with my mom,,:
-she gave birth to me without feeling any pain
-she shows my sister love and admiration, while i get hate
-i never heard her say "i love you to me"
-my sister, who is 5 years younger, gets more freedom than i do
-i get judged and punished harshly, while my sister doesnt
(by the way i do not envy or hate my sister cus she has a better relationship with my mom)

i think she blames me for:
-wrecking her marriage (i dont know why)
-she is jealous of me (i dont know why)
-Im my dads favorite child, as well as my older brother, (but i fight with my dad constantly)
-all the mistakes in her life..... i would stand up for her and lie that i did "that" so she wouldnt get made fun of, instead of thanking me she would believe me and blame me... she would really believe it.. (i havent stood up to her anymore)
-not letting her sister visit us, when i wasnt even to blame

My mom has recently told me that she does not want me to go to her funeral.. to be honest i dont care so much... im so sick of this cycle.. she is the only thing that affects me so much. i want her acceptance but im learning to deal with it. i did anything for her and she doesnt appreciate it.

She has never been therefore me, ever. I was on my own growing up, whenever i needed a mother the most i had to learn to just stuff everything inside of me... every important occasion of my life when i needed support, i would be lonely...
Naturally Im really kind, at least thats what people tell me. So im they type of person that if you treat me bad, i mean really bad, then ill be bad as well. and since me and my mom have fighted so often i become more bad with each fight....and so does she.

I never used to hit her when she hit me and pulled my hair, but now all i do is defend my self by pulling her hair after she pulls mine. I lost my respect for her. I feel horrible after each fight.. i just dont know why she starts it.. I understand she is unhappy with my father and cant divorce him due to financial and personal reasons (and she doesnt want to) but she cant keep using him as an excuse to keep beating the life out of me.

I used to think she was a strong person, but all i see now are her weaknesses

I hate that she never realizes what she has done. I hate that she thinks because she is the mother she can say and do whatever without apologizing. I hate that when i get sick she doesnt give a crap.. I hate when she tells me that i should show her attention and ask her how she is doing, when she has never done that to me, and all i have ever done in my life was to try to make her life better cuz she keeps wanting it... Im never doing that again...

I understand that im not so much of a good daughter, and i understand that i am also to blame for the relationship, but i just want to know why she hates me so much...

And please dont say that she doesnt hate me, because she does. She doesnt love me unconditionally, never showed me affection or attention, always told me to be like other girls (im pretty fine, so i dont know why she would say such a thing)...

Because of her i am not so social, i have friends, but socializing is very hard for me..

And i always talk to people with a stupid smile on my face, when i just really want to be myself, but i cant... i dont know why..

Im sorry this is long, but its affecting me so much and any help i get will be appreciated...

Please let me know if I am doing anything wrong as well...

Thankyou...

Ive come to the point where i dont care if she or any body else of my family is in my life... Id rather be alone. I know Id be much happier, I know id be healthier..
But i dont want to leave my family forever, at least not for now...

Justwantfair · Mar 14, 2009, 09:43 PM

I would highly suggest individual counseling.

Are you still living at home? If you are, you need to move out.

Jesushelper76 · Mar 14, 2009, 09:56 PM

Well as a person that has a lot of struggle and hardships with family members. I can tell you that no matter who is to blame. When you know that your always getting the sh-tty end of the stick. Fighting is happening all the time. You know that this family has a lot of hatred for you, whether the reason is a good one or not, which I do not believe any reason is a good one. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get out of that major negative situation. Cut ties with your mother. Now mind you when you cut ties with a family member it could have ripple effects in the family but you need to do what is right and good for you and if that means getting away from these people and cutting ties then do it.

Please stand up for yourself again. Make a decision that might be hurtful, because no matter how badly family members treats you, you still wonder why? It is still emotionally hard and takes time to move on, but you will.

Especially when you get out of that enviroment you will be able to create a new start, a new life for you that is better and more positive.

Joe

unspeaken21 · Mar 15, 2009, 12:38 PM

Thank you both for answering. It means a lot.
I actually thought about individual counseling, but I'll do that in the future when i get out of this part of my life, since my family considers it to be a shame.
And i understand that leaving my family may have "ripple effects" but Im willing to do that, but not now. First Im going to get my masters degree and then a good job and then Ill be able to be on my own.
Thank you very much..
I wish you both the best..

450donn · Mar 15, 2009, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unspeaken21

Thank you both for answering. It means a lot.
I actually thought about individual counseling, but I'll do that in the future when i get out of this part of my life, since my family considers it to be a shame. Who cares how much shame it bring your family. They are using you and it will eventually kill any chances you might have of a happy life. get the professional help you need NOW!
And i understand that leaving my family may have "ripple effects" but Im willing to do that, but not now. First Im going to get my masters degree and then a good job and then Ill be able to be on my own.Ripple effect/ Not leaving will leave more and longer lasting effects on your life. Get out and if possible get your siblings out as fast as possible. Abuse is no excuse and you don't want it to carry over for another generation do you?
Thank you very much..
I wish you both the best..

Get on with your life and get away from your screwy problem plagued family

unspeaken21 · Mar 16, 2009, 06:50 AM

I guess I know what I have to do...
Thanks 450donn for your reply...

450donn · Mar 16, 2009, 07:48 AM

The hardest thing in your young life will be to break this cycle of abuse. Getting out now and getting the professional help you need to help break that cycle are vitally important to your well being. If there is any way you can get your siblings out and into counseling too that would be best. That might not be possible right now, first and foremost you need to protect yourself from further abuse.

asking · Mar 16, 2009, 08:02 AM

Don't wait to finish your masters degree. Move out now. You will be amazed at the peace of mind you begin to feel right away. You'll have more energy for your work at school.

neverme · Mar 16, 2009, 09:52 AM

Do you have a job?

If it is possible, move out now.

You say you hate all of these behaviours and the relationships you have.

Well you are old enough to change your situation so do that!

If you insist on staying in her house well there is little that you can do.

She is abusive but as long as you are in her house you have to deal with that.

I moved out when I was 18, my mother and I now have a great relationship but I don't think I could ever live with her again.

By getting out of her house it will force you to be more social too. Living with other people will bring you on leaps and bounds, you have no idea.

It's time to go. Get yourself some counseling and start doing things just for you. Counseling, socialising etc.

Best of Luck.

unspeaken21 · Mar 16, 2009, 01:15 PM

im really happy for all your posts... i used to think it was something i did to mother that made her go crazy and hate me, but know i just realized that she takes out everything on her kids because she isnt happy with her life (meaning my dad)...Ive tried so hard to make her happy, but somehow it would backfire.. so for now im going to try to make things better for me, my sister doesnt need help since she has a good relationship with my mom, but when it gets worse im definitely going to help her.
Dont worry, im going to leave soon, since i have applied to do my masters in a different country.. And im really looking forward to that...and when im done im gonna find my own home..
It just really sucks when you cant have a good relationship with someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally...
Thanks you all.. the encouragement u give is great..



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