Im 22 years old. The older I get the more my mom and me have trouble.

Here is some info:
-she and my dad have a bad relationship, he abuses her, and so does she in her own way.
-my mom is sick of my dad and wants to get divorced but always uses my siblings (mostly me) to help her get divorced or better with my dad
- my parents talks bad about each other to make us have sides
-they pretend we are in a happy family
-they use me as the middle person to settle agreements

the reason why i mentioned all the above is because i want you to understand my position.. now about the relationship with my mom,,:
-she gave birth to me without feeling any pain
-she shows my sister love and admiration, while i get hate
-i never heard her say "i love you to me"
-my sister, who is 5 years younger, gets more freedom than i do
-i get judged and punished harshly, while my sister doesnt
(by the way i do not envy or hate my sister cus she has a better relationship with my mom)

i think she blames me for:
-wrecking her marriage (i dont know why)
-she is jealous of me (i dont know why)
-Im my dads favorite child, as well as my older brother, (but i fight with my dad constantly)
-all the mistakes in her life..... i would stand up for her and lie that i did "that" so she wouldnt get made fun of, instead of thanking me she would believe me and blame me... she would really believe it.. (i havent stood up to her anymore)
-not letting her sister visit us, when i wasnt even to blame

My mom has recently told me that she does not want me to go to her funeral.. to be honest i dont care so much... im so sick of this cycle.. she is the only thing that affects me so much. i want her acceptance but im learning to deal with it. i did anything for her and she doesnt appreciate it.

She has never been therefore me, ever. I was on my own growing up, whenever i needed a mother the most i had to learn to just stuff everything inside of me... every important occasion of my life when i needed support, i would be lonely...
Naturally Im really kind, at least thats what people tell me. So im they type of person that if you treat me bad, i mean really bad, then ill be bad as well. and since me and my mom have fighted so often i become more bad with each fight....and so does she.

I never used to hit her when she hit me and pulled my hair, but now all i do is defend my self by pulling her hair after she pulls mine. I lost my respect for her. I feel horrible after each fight.. i just dont know why she starts it.. I understand she is unhappy with my father and cant divorce him due to financial and personal reasons (and she doesnt want to) but she cant keep using him as an excuse to keep beating the life out of me.

I used to think she was a strong person, but all i see now are her weaknesses

I hate that she never realizes what she has done. I hate that she thinks because she is the mother she can say and do whatever without apologizing. I hate that when i get sick she doesnt give a crap.. I hate when she tells me that i should show her attention and ask her how she is doing, when she has never done that to me, and all i have ever done in my life was to try to make her life better cuz she keeps wanting it... Im never doing that again...

I understand that im not so much of a good daughter, and i understand that i am also to blame for the relationship, but i just want to know why she hates me so much...

And please dont say that she doesnt hate me, because she does. She doesnt love me unconditionally, never showed me affection or attention, always told me to be like other girls (im pretty fine, so i dont know why she would say such a thing)...

Because of her i am not so social, i have friends, but socializing is very hard for me..

And i always talk to people with a stupid smile on my face, when i just really want to be myself, but i cant... i dont know why..

Im sorry this is long, but its affecting me so much and any help i get will be appreciated...

Please let me know if I am doing anything wrong as well...

Thankyou...

Ive come to the point where i dont care if she or any body else of my family is in my life... Id rather be alone. I know Id be much happier, I know id be healthier..
But i dont want to leave my family forever, at least not for now...

Justwantfair

Good luck to you and God bless.

WyJd123

Just want you to know that you are a good person and God loves you. Please remember that you are the child. No parent should treat their child the way your mom has treated you. No matter what it is that has got her so down that she would treat you this way, it is not your fault. You have been dealing with her abusing you for so long that you started to fight back. I can tell you dont like yourself after pulling her hair. This is what she has taught you. But you don't have to keep on this way. Ask God for help. He loves you so much. He wants you to turn to him. So many times we put our expectation in people only to get dissapointed. There is a book that I would like to suggest for you to read. It is called ANY MINUTE, it is written by Joyce Meyer and Deborah Bedford. I really think it will help. Read the whole thing. Good luck to you.

basketballlover

you sound like a very kind person. its a pity your mother cant see that. i have the same relationship with my mom. i love her but i also hate her. it goes both ways. my mother is similar because she too is abusive and doesnt take any blame for any problema we have. i believe that almost any problem in a relationship goes both ways and somehow most parents dont seem to understand that. it is always the kids fault. so i understand completely how you feel. i know about the sort of mask you put on. the happy but not yourself mask. i put that on everyday. maybe you feel the same but because ive been put down so much, im afraid of showing my true color. of being who i really am. the abuse thing is completely wrong. your mother should not be hurting you. and i think you have a right to stand up for yourself. if you dont who will? you are old enough to get away from the situation so i suggest you do. its not a situation you want to stay in. it lowers your self-esteem and that maybe why you have trouble socializing alot. or maybe its just a personality thing. i dont know. as for your mother, its her loss. what would you be losing from cutting off your relationship from her. hope for the best.

HappyBird

I might be the bird singing out of tune, but I do not ever think that a mon can hate her child. You are saying your mom has never done anything for you and that you have done everything by yourself. Did you change your diapers, woke up at night for the 3:00 am feeding, potty train yourself... come on. You mon has problems and usually people who have problems take them up on those who love them most, you happen to be that person for your mom... She is more to pity than to scorn and you must be a good kid, ....so she had done something good in bringing you up. Do not leave home until you are ready- for your masters- and then automatically your life will take its own course with a new city and a new job, You do not need to shatter the relationship, you have worked so hard to preserve.. Then with the separation, the distance and the maturity that these will bring you both, I am sure things will be better.
Best wishes to a better relationship with your mom.