How to handle adult disrespectful son

You have been making a common and simple mistake - hanging on. You shouldn't be cleaning his house, for starters. That is emblematic of the entire situation. Let him feel adult, free, independent, and self-sufficient. Let him find someone to love intimately, someone not his mother, and let him do it all by himself, and don't ask or make a single peep about it.

When he is ready, all those years of love from you will be fruitful and he will be back to see you.

It's difficult to cut those ties, but you need to at least loosen them a bit more. It is part of the natural process for him to spread his wings, learn to take care of himself, and manage his life.

I would stop cleaning his house for him and try to back off on contacting him as often. Allow him to ease into doing more for himself. That is part of parenting.....preparing him the best that you can so that one day he won't need you as much. Hard to take sometimes when you still want him to need you, but by hovering so much you are actually holding him back and it sounds like he is starting to resist. His backing off is not that he doesn't care but he is letting you know he needs his space.

The more you push for it, the more he will push away....and I know that is not what you want.

Consider seeking full-time work if you have a desire to fill more of your time. Perhaps volunteer some of your free time for a cause you have an interest in....hospital setting or animal shelter for example. By serving others, you will satisfy the need to be helpful and feel needed.

Your son will experience the satisfaction of doing for himself, you will feel good about helping people or animals that need your assistance, and most likely you both will find that your relationship takes on a new chapter as you become more adult to adult instead of parent to child.

Negative ratings on this site are for factual errors ONLY, not matters of opinion.
As you can see, the next responder felt the same about cleaning.
If you don't get it, as you seem determined not to, then you are not in as fragile a state as you claim, and merely want to hear what you want to hear. I feel really bad for your son. He probably loved you and wants to love you still, but at this rate, you will lose him completely.

And now you are not likely to get anyone to respond here, gently or not.

Well that's taught me to never go online thinking that you will get a helpful answer to something. What an absolutely horrible, blunt, know-all person you sound. You don't know any of the facts. I didn't write a long winded question because I didn't want to bore people. If you knew the whole story you wouldn't be focusing on stupid comments about housework. I don't offer to do anything for him, he has a busy life and he asks me. My point was that he is abusive, rude and uncaring. That has nothing whatsoever to do with what I do for him, its his whole attitude. You feel bad for my son - how dare you! He couldn't have had a more, loving and caring mother in the whole world, who has given up 18 years of her own life to put her child first. I have only ever been selfless and now I'm getting it all thrown back in my face. You obviously aren't intelligent enough to realise that this has nothing to do with physical things, its somehow emotional, which is why I needed help

Spoonies123

I think we have a failure to communicate.

The people here will give you the answer they think will help the most with the problem you posted.

There is no problem about long winded posts ( if you break up the paragraphs so it is easy to read unlike a huge block of text) In fact, the more information you give the more accurate the responses will be.

Some answers may be blunt, harsh and cold. Some situations cannot be warm and fuzzy answers.

I was rude when I presumed you spoiled your son like I said in joy's post and if I am wrong I apologize. But if we don't have the whole story it will cause inaccuracies such as this to pop up.

Joypulv answered you armed with the information you provided and gave you some good advice even though you do not make the connection between ;what a person does , will affect how the person feels" which is a valid and factual point.

I understand the emotional state that arises when the kids start moving out and do not want help , or advice , or anything that lessens their independence
It was hard for me to deal with too. All five times it happened.

It would be better if you did give the whole story . That would lessen the chance of misunderstandings and increase the value of the answers.

And if someone is rude or seems to be , it is not helpful or correct to be rude back. Quoting you,

This statement is uncalled for and rude. Without question. If it were me, I would apologize if I said something like this. (Realizing emotional stress can set a person off , and you are by your admission emotionally stressed)

It does seem obvious that there is much more than meets the eye going on here and I know the people here can help, but we all need to keep open minds and respect each others opinions if we agree or not.

If someone takes the time to answer it is because they care enough to try to help, and do it voluntarily because they care.

If you want to, fill us in on the rest of the details and see if that helps us help you.
And that is what this site is all about.

My dear, your son is going through what is natural and absolutetly normal for a boy his age. He wants to be an adult, but he is right on the cusp. In his mind, he is a 'grown man' and doesn't need his 'mommy' taking care of him.
You sound like a wonderful mother. And you have done a good job from what I can tell. Give him a few years to mature. Keep in contact with him. Call him. Visit him, but try to back up a little bit and let him make his own mistakes, get his own regrets, and maybe even get into a little trouble. After he has matured a few more years, I assure you, he will be back to build an adult relationship with you eagerly. But for now, he is trying to break the ties of 'mommy' and 'child'


Good luck hon. I also suggest that with your extra time you have, take a community center class, or join a group or some other social activity. Surround your self with other mothers of 'almost there' adult children.

Hi...I can sense that your whole world revolves round your son. Take one day at a time and don't stress yourself. Easier said than done..sure but what is the point of making yourself ill ! Do as much as makes you happy and find some volunteer work or hobby that can absorb your time. If there is love..and I get the feeling that there is plenty..he will come around. You miss the good times with him..they will be back if you stand up for yourself. He is trying to make a mark in the world and establish his identity. Support him but do not stand insubordination. It is difficult but not impossible. I am in a similar situation myself ..one that I never imagined I would be in...being blamed for all that goes wrong ! God Bless !

Hi Spoonies123..how have you been? Have you heard from your son? I know how it feels not to hear from a child you have devoted yourself to since he was born. Your life must revolve round him! It is impossible to not to do things for him..you probably adore him and worship him. This happens often when the father is not around and one has been a single mother...not many people understand the feeling and the intensity of your love for your child. However, such children become self centred especially if they have no siblings ! I don't know how to console you but you must take care of yourself and stop stressing..I am preaching but am unable to put it into practice..but I try everyday! I want to be able to love my child but also learn how to detach myself to a degree..as excessive attachment or excessive love too can be a bad thing ! Practice moderation in everything..even in love! Have a nice day!

I can relate! My son is 33, we were always close & in the last 3 yrs he has changed. He yells @ me, hungs up on me, will go 6 months without talking to me,etc. Being around him is like walking on egg shells, what will set him off next? I've learned to step back & wait. How sad & a waste of preious time on earth. Hang in there Moms!