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I'm have to choose between my children and my boyfriend
I'm the kind of person who is very passive and easy going. mostly because at the first sign of confrontation I give in. I was divorced 3+ years ago after 20 years. my children hated their father and demanded he leave. He was dominateing and abrassive. they said he was cheating on me but I doubt it. None the less I desided it was best for my family to seperate. at that time my oldest daughter then 19 insisted I never date as long as they were at home. I had no intention of doing so. However, I have met someone who I love and makes me very happy. He is also some what controlling and insists that certian rules be obeyed in the house. i.e. no underage drinking, no boyfriends spending the night. helping with housework. and to the older girls, now 19 and 22, paying $50 a month rent to help with expsence. Also that they take care of thier own animals, which I have alway done. My older daughter had her boyfriend over to spend the night which I didn't know until that next morning. I don't appove of him but Thats "none of my business". When my fieance asked to have a talk with him that next morning all hell broke lose. Now my children, no 22,19, 17 and thier boyfriends took a vote and if I don't make my fience leave they will all move out and never speak to me again. The question I have is do I have a right to have someone in my life or not as long as my chiildren live at home? They think I've betraid them. I've never not been there for them and I think I am now but they hate this man. This is the hardest thing I ever had to deside. I could use some help.
It does sound as though your children have ruled your life and are somewhat out of control. But they are your children not his.
It sounds to me like you have always allowed someone else to tell you what to do and how to live in your own home. I see this man as trying to push his way into that role now.
You have to learn to live your life the way that you want to and stop putting everyones happiness above yours. You deserve to be respected and not to be taken advantage of by anyone else. Sit and think about what you want , what type of order you want in your house and how you want to be treated. Then take steps toward making that happen.
Er...hello. That guy is not demanding he's right. No underage drinking, what type of parent are you if you don't have a problem with underage drinking? He sounds like a good guy and I think he has it right, he's trying to help your kids grow up.
I totally agree with bushg. It's awful to have to pick between the two but your kids are adults, they need to act like it!
For starts taking care of there own animals...well yea there their animals. I'd get rid of them if they weren't taking care of them.
If they move out they will quickly realise what they take for granted. If paying $50 a month is bad, paying actual rent of $200 pluss food will kill them and they'll be a bit more grateful.
You are the parent, it's your job to be their parent not their friend! You need to step up to the plate, they will never hate you, and trust me they will come back. You have betrayed no one...they have betrayed you. They don't want you to be happy and have what you want.
My only question is why does this guy put up with your kids?
They sound like brats!
Location: In my own world but the important people knows my name.
Posts: 74
Now my children, no 22,19, 17 and thier boyfriends took a vote and if I don't make my fience leave they will all move out and never speak to me again.
Ok there is alot going on here.
definitly some counseling need here
What are your boundaries? Obviously none.
What do you want? Your children running your life? or your boyfriend (fiance)?
Are you putting your boyfriend in an ugly position by making him the bad guy because you do not want to speak your mind to your children. that what it sounds like to me. he loves you and is standing up for you because your kids run all over you.
how is it not your business what happens in your home.!!!!???
I think you need to run your life.
But if you want this man in your life he needs to have some say as well.
You are dfinitly not a united front with your children.
Why are your children not contributing to the household? are they in school ?
Why are you still supporting them as adults.
I don't feel $50. is much at all especially if they have jobs..
Youre kids are voting on who stays in your home!!!
.
Blended families are always tough and dealing with children after divorce can be hard.
I think you need to get some help here find a counselor who you feel comfortable with.
talk through your thoughts and issues be honest.
Is this man controling your life? Is this something you seek out in people.
When your children leave are you going to be alone and allways seeking their approval
Sound pre marriage preparation is a key in avoiding the pitfalls
that accompany blended families. Unfortunately the divorce rate is
higher for second marriages (60% end in divorce) than it is for the
first (approximately 50%). Most people entering marriage expect it
to last a lifetime but more often than not, it doesn't. Before
making a lifelong commitment it is crucial that you take time to
really know your partner and make sure this relationship is right
for you and your children. The last thing you want to do is put
yourself or children you may have through the devastation of a
failed relationship.
Check out this site about blended families I did it is called blendedfamilyfocus.com
Good luck this is a crucial time My thoughts are with you
I haven't stated that rules don't need to be in place!
I'm stating that a mere boyfriend really shouldn't have a say in what happens in his girlfriend's house, with his girlfriend's adult kids.
SHE NEEDS TO MAKE THE RULES, NOT HIM.
I agree her kids need to grow up--but it is NOT the boyfriend's right to tell them to do so. Their MOTHER needs to do this.
My main point is who the heck chooses a boyfriend over their own kids? And who lets someone ELSE make the rules in their house? Someone who is being controlled, that's who. I think her kids may have a valid point, is all.
I really don't think this is just a disagreement about some guy making rules they don't like--I think there is more going on here.
But hey--whatever. Yes, her kids are spoiled---but where do YOU people get off saying that some unrelated guy that she happens to be dating (and she doesn't say how LONG they have been dating either) should be the one to correct that?
Also...she states she got out of a relationship from a "dominating and abusive" man just 3 years ago. She does NOT state whether or not she got counseling for that. Without counseling, she may have fallen for yet another dominating and abusive man, because cycles like that are hard to break. Which means, in the end, that her kids may have a point about this guy, especially since she states that he's "a little bit controlling".
First off blood is thicker than water. However your girls seem like they can not respect athority. Your boyfriend is trying to do the right thing but it is not his place to do so it is yours. I see nothing bad about his rules but they should be your rules since you are their mother. Stop letting people control you it seems your girls are. How do you feel about this man? Remember your girls will grow up and leave your home. Do you see yourself with this man after that? If so tell the girls that you think his rules are acceptable and you will enforce them. They are old ejnough to get out on their own if they don't like it.
I am not going to give advice here, because I think there is alot more going on than you are sharing with us. Not calling you a liar...I just think some pertanent things were probably ommitted without knowing it.
I think you should maybe sit down with your children and listen to why they don't approve of your fiance. They are probably trying to look out for you because the last thing they want to see is you hurting like you were with their father. They are probably going about it the wrong way, but they have good intentions I think.
Synnen was right on one thing for sure, and that is that you need to make the rules. I think from the sounds of it you probably need some assertiveness training. I think you need some confidence in yourself. I don't think you have alot of that. I feel like you are like me and depend on other people for your own self-worth.
Counselling would be a good step. I think going with your kids to family therapy would be a great thing...for everyone. It doesn't sound like the healing process from your divorce has really even started yet?
I wish you the best of luck. I hope I helped even a little!
And just for the record...no man or partner worth a damn would make you chose them or your children. They would either sit down and figure it out, or ask to leave to save you the agony of making that choice. I know he isn't the one who made the ultimatum, but other than your children he is the only one who can diffuse it.
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