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I am a 57 year old single Mom. I had my son at 38-1/2 and his father abandoned me while pregnant. He acted as if he had lung cancer so I thought he died when I did not hear from him. My son has always been defiant. I've taken him to therapists since he was 7 but he was always so intelligent that he would present as a very together boy and I always looked out of control.
Eventually I did lose control and had a total breakdown in 2006. While my son was always abusive, his cruel behavior worsened when I became ill.
Now I was just not an awful mom who should never have had children but ugly, a slut (his father was my last relationship, a "b...", but also crazy. I should explain that my breakdown was a result of cumulative stress and childhood trauma and my diagnoses were major depression, ptsd, dissociative disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia and generalized anxiety disorder. I lost total control of my thinking and bodily functions.
I received treatment and finally returned to work only to get laid off again.
My son has been abusive for years. I find myself hiding in my bedroom because he is such a bully. He is 19 and I've told him to leave but he says he will not leave until he completes his MBA (he is only a freshman and dropped all classes but one). He works part time and makes good money but does not pay anything although I'm running through my retirement.
Today is his birthday. He wanted money. He said yesterday that he wanted to have his celebration with grandma and me right away to "get it over with". We are his only family and he hates us for this. I said OK and ran out and got the food and cake (no time to cook because of his demand). I gave him a check for $500.00. He was mean all day.
Today he was called into work. He became irate as he had requested the day off. He called me and said he was just going to leave work. I told him that could be considered job abandonment and he could be terminated. He went into a rage. He wants to take Accutane and I'm supposed to sign for it as I'm the one paying for the insurance (COBRA--you know how expensive that is). In order to take Accutane the person is not to have any emotional problems. My son is always having rages at me so I told him I'm not going to tell the doctor he does not have emotional problems because his rages make him seem mentally unstable.
Well, then he totally blew. He spewed again his hatred for me; how I'm the worst mom in the world; how I should never have had a child; how I should not have slept with his dad (we lived together); how I was a loser with no job; how I was ugly; how I was crazy.
I locked the door for fear of him (he had previously injured my shoulders). He slid the check for $500 under the door and told me to "shove it up my a..". He kept yelling. I called my Mom (she is 84) to come over so I could safely get into my bedroom. She came over and his behavior continued. He wanted me to apologize for calling him mentally unstable. I finally apologized to quiet him down but I don't feel sorry.
And, worse is that I cannot forgive him anymore. He is a classically abusive person to me and he is such a sweetie to everyone else in the world. I want him to move so much but I can't get him to budge. He is now angry because he tore up the check. I know he wants me to write another check but it is not in my heart.
The irony is that I have always adored my son. Because I always had to work I never had another relationship with a man because I felt I never had enough time with him.
What should I do? Should I still give him a birthday check? Should I force him to leave home. I'm so tired of his tearing down my self-esteem. I'm trying to job hunt again and feel old, ugly and tired. I have always literally adored my son but now all I long for is peace.
Oh my goodness sweetheart!! Your question made me feel so terribly bad for you and your situation! It sounds like you have been through an awful lot of things in your life!
I realise you adore you son, and feel like it is your job to make sure he is taken care of, but he is grown now, and treating you horribly! He is not showing any respect towards you OR his elderly grandmother. The both of you could be very seriously hurt! DO NOT sign his prescription for him, and DO NOT give him anymore money!! What he is doing to you and your mother is flat out abusive!
I don't mean this in a harsh way, but you are teaching him how to treat you. The longer you enable him, the longer his abusive behaviour will continue. It can ONLY get worse from this point. You said he has already hurt your shoulders...please don't wait until he does something worse to you, or your mother who I'm sure can't defend herself against him. He could cause irreperable damage, or worse!
You need to call the police next time he gets into a rage like this!! I actually think you should do it BEFORE his next tantrum (I'm using that word in the mild sense). Don't think of it as being "mean or cruel" to him. Think of it as being a loving and caring Mother, who doesn't want her son to be this way. You will be helping him...not hurting him!!
Please don't think of yourself as an awful mother. You are obviously a loving mother, to come and ask for some help! Also, PLEASE don't refer to yourself as ugly, or a slut! God made beautiful people, and you are one of them!!! It sounds like you have had a very hard time of things, and you developed alot depression amoung the other things you mentioned because of it.
It sounds to me like you are trying your best. Please try and remember that you are doing the best you can with what you have, and don't let other people bring you down and take you over with their control.
I'm going to link a song for you to listen to okay? Just listen to the words and know that there are people that care!
do not ever give him another dime! he doesn't deserve it, whether or not its his birthday. being his mother does not mean you are obligated to be his doormat. and yes, do whatever you have to to get him out of your home! your home should be a safe, healthy environment for you. it sounds like you have a lot of your own issues you're dealing with, you don't need his thrown into the mix. i hope everything works out for you
starbuck8, justcurious55 and Fr_Chuck I want to thank you for responding. This morning, after not sleeping all night, I was first going to write out a check and then the adult part of me said "no"---enough. I agree with all of you. The only thing is that I do have a problem kicking him out of the house. I was kicked out directly after high school and while I learned survival skills my son is much more immature. I just can't do it.
I thought about how he said I am an awful Mom. I've always worked hard and literally adored him. So, I've been bad because of my past because I have overprotected him.
And, because I'm a natural giver, and we have no family, I've been awful because I've spoiled him.
I'm so glad you all answered me as I will now NOT write out that check.
SadMom, now I'm sad too! Starbuck hit the nail on the head.
Something to think about; my mom had really mean & abusive parents. Her and her siblings moved out willingly when they were like 14 and worked their rears off to stay out.
You, being the kind & gentle & enabling mother that you are, have the opposite affect on him. If you don't SLAM your foot down now, this will continue long after he has his MBA. Until the day you die.
Unfortunately, and I hate to say this, but a lot of this is your fault. The worse he feels about himself, the worse he's going to treat you, the worse he's going to feel about himself... Stop pampering him and let him go be a man by making him do so.
He needs to be kicked out, promptly. Not as a revenge for you but so he can make his own way as a man. Cut him off of all aid completely. No money, no food, no assistance with rent, NOTHING, but advice, and only if he asks for it. You don't have to be mean about it but you have to be serious and firm/resolute.
You're doing him an injustice as long as you cater to him. He'll throw his fits too so be ready for them. That's what spoiled children do. But once the fits have passed you'll have a little angel on your hands again. One you're proud of and one who's proud of you.
Cheer up SadMom! This isn't unheard of. It's quite common in fact. And it will pass as long as you stick to your guns.
Wow. Wait until he leaves, have a locksmith come over and change the locks and have a police person there when he shows up and rages at you. You need to kick the devilspawn out.
I agree that I should not do anything for him--not cook, buy him food, etc., but I just have such a problem kicking him out. I realize I am at fault for my over protecting and my spoiling him. I believe I can stop both but I don't know how to psyche myself up to kick him out.
Wow. Wait until he leaves, have a locksmith come over and change the locks and have a police person there when he shows up and rages at you. You need to kick the devilspawn out.
It sounds like you have had a very hard time of things, and you developed alot depression amoung the other things you mentioned because of it. 
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