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I am a 57 year old single Mom. I had my son at 38-1/2 and his father abandoned me while pregnant. He acted as if he had lung cancer so I thought he died when I did not hear from him. My son has always been defiant. I've taken him to therapists since he was 7 but he was always so intelligent that he would present as a very together boy and I always looked out of control.
Eventually I did lose control and had a total breakdown in 2006. While my son was always abusive, his cruel behavior worsened when I became ill.
Now I was just not an awful mom who should never have had children but ugly, a slut (his father was my last relationship, a "b...", but also crazy. I should explain that my breakdown was a result of cumulative stress and childhood trauma and my diagnoses were major depression, ptsd, dissociative disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia and generalized anxiety disorder. I lost total control of my thinking and bodily functions.
I received treatment and finally returned to work only to get laid off again.
My son has been abusive for years. I find myself hiding in my bedroom because he is such a bully. He is 19 and I've told him to leave but he says he will not leave until he completes his MBA (he is only a freshman and dropped all classes but one). He works part time and makes good money but does not pay anything although I'm running through my retirement.
Today is his birthday. He wanted money. He said yesterday that he wanted to have his celebration with grandma and me right away to "get it over with". We are his only family and he hates us for this. I said OK and ran out and got the food and cake (no time to cook because of his demand). I gave him a check for $500.00. He was mean all day.
Today he was called into work. He became irate as he had requested the day off. He called me and said he was just going to leave work. I told him that could be considered job abandonment and he could be terminated. He went into a rage. He wants to take Accutane and I'm supposed to sign for it as I'm the one paying for the insurance (COBRA--you know how expensive that is). In order to take Accutane the person is not to have any emotional problems. My son is always having rages at me so I told him I'm not going to tell the doctor he does not have emotional problems because his rages make him seem mentally unstable.
Well, then he totally blew. He spewed again his hatred for me; how I'm the worst mom in the world; how I should never have had a child; how I should not have slept with his dad (we lived together); how I was a loser with no job; how I was ugly; how I was crazy.
I locked the door for fear of him (he had previously injured my shoulders). He slid the check for $500 under the door and told me to "shove it up my a..". He kept yelling. I called my Mom (she is 84) to come over so I could safely get into my bedroom. She came over and his behavior continued. He wanted me to apologize for calling him mentally unstable. I finally apologized to quiet him down but I don't feel sorry.
And, worse is that I cannot forgive him anymore. He is a classically abusive person to me and he is such a sweetie to everyone else in the world. I want him to move so much but I can't get him to budge. He is now angry because he tore up the check. I know he wants me to write another check but it is not in my heart.
The irony is that I have always adored my son. Because I always had to work I never had another relationship with a man because I felt I never had enough time with him.
What should I do? Should I still give him a birthday check? Should I force him to leave home. I'm so tired of his tearing down my self-esteem. I'm trying to job hunt again and feel old, ugly and tired. I have always literally adored my son but now all I long for is peace.
I am a 57 year old single Mom. I had my son at 38-1/2 and his father abandoned me while pregnant. He acted as if he had lung cancer so I thought he died when I did not hear from him. My son has always been defiant. I've taken him to therapists since he was 7 but he was always so intelligent that he would present as a very together boy and I always looked out of control.
Eventually I did lose control and had a total breakdown in 2006. While my son was always abusive, his cruel behavior worsened when I became ill.
Now I was just not an awful mom who should never have had children but ugly, a slut (his father was my last relationship, a "b...", but also crazy. I should explain that my breakdown was a result of cumulative stress and childhood trauma and my diagnoses were major depression, ptsd, dissociative disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia and generalized anxiety disorder. I lost total control of my thinking and bodily functions.
I received treatment and finally returned to work only to get laid off again.
My son has been abusive for years. I find myself hiding in my bedroom because he is such a bully. He is 19 and I've told him to leave but he says he will not leave until he completes his MBA (he is only a freshman and dropped all classes but one). He works part time and makes good money but does not pay anything although I'm running through my retirement.
Today is his birthday. He wanted money. He said yesterday that he wanted to have his celebration with grandma and me right away to "get it over with". We are his only family and he hates us for this. I said OK and ran out and got the food and cake (no time to cook because of his demand). I gave him a check for $500.00. He was mean all day.
Today he was called into work. He became irate as he had requested the day off. He called me and said he was just going to leave work. I told him that could be considered job abandonment and he could be terminated. He went into a rage. He wants to take Accutane and I'm supposed to sign for it as I'm the one paying for the insurance (COBRA--you know how expensive that is). In order to take Accutane the person is not to have any emotional problems. My son is always having rages at me so I told him I'm not going to tell the doctor he does not have emotional problems because his rages make him seem mentally unstable.
Well, then he totally blew. He spewed again his hatred for me; how I'm the worst mom in the world; how I should never have had a child; how I should not have slept with his dad (we lived together); how I was a loser with no job; how I was ugly; how I was crazy.
I locked the door for fear of him (he had previously injured my shoulders). He slid the check for $500 under the door and told me to "shove it up my a..". He kept yelling. I called my Mom (she is 84) to come over so I could safely get into my bedroom. She came over and his behavior continued. He wanted me to apologize for calling him mentally unstable. I finally apologized to quiet him down but I don't feel sorry.
And, worse is that I cannot forgive him anymore. He is a classically abusive person to me and he is such a sweetie to everyone else in the world. I want him to move so much but I can't get him to budge. He is now angry because he tore up the check. I know he wants me to write another check but it is not in my heart.
The irony is that I have always adored my son. Because I always had to work I never had another relationship with a man because I felt I never had enough time with him.
What should I do? Should I still give him a birthday check? Should I force him to leave home. I'm so tired of his tearing down my self-esteem. I'm trying to job hunt again and feel old, ugly and tired. I have always literally adored my son but now all I long for is peace.
I would love your opinions. Thank you so much.
Hello My heart goes out to you I really don't have any experience in this type of problems but I can always give my thought.
You have to be strong and be ready, first talk to him tell him how you feel if talking doesn't work write him a letter. Your only going to say this once and if he doesn't get he's act together then he is out the house. You have to be the strongest and tuffest mom ever!!
He is going to be like what ever and get mad and if he does get abusive then have your mom call the police and press charges. Tell him he is not allowed in your house. Hi's belongies will be out side the door waiting for him. And pray to god that he will realize that there's no one out there like you.
Hello My heart goes out to you I really don't have any experience in this type of problems but I can always give my thought.
You have to be strong and be ready, first talk to him tell him how you feel if talking doesn't work write him a letter. Your only going to say this once and if he doesn't get he's act together then he is out the house. You have to be the strongest and tuffest mom ever!!
He is going to be like what ever and get mad and if he does get abusive then have your mom call the police and press charges. Tell him he is not allowed in your house. Hi's belongies will be out side the door waiting for him. And pray to god that he will realize that there's no one out there like you.
I agree completely. Your son needs to know that you are no longer going to put up with physical, verbal, or emotional abuse. I know you don't want to kick him out on the streets, but if he is smart enough to be going to school to get his MBA, he is smart enough to figure out how to take care of himself too.
I think writing him a note is a good thing. That way you will be able to tell him exactly what you want to say without getting off track, or interupted by him. Tell him that you love him, and it's because you love him that you have packed his bags. Tell him that you are his MOTHER, and that you have taken care of him until now, and now it's time he learned to take care of himself.
I'm sure he won't be too happy about all of this, but I would set the note on his suitcases, and tell him that he has not been respectful to you or your mother, and you are no longer willing to put up with his condecending and abusive behaviour.
Also tell him that if he doesn't leave willingly, then you will be forced to call the police to have him removed.
My heart goes out to you. I think you need to give him one more chance and tell him how you really feel and if talking doesn't work write him a letter. At the end of the letter tell him if he doesn't get hi's act together he needs to leave the house. As much as you love him you have to kick him out. If there's any violence please call the police and have the police take him and press charges, so he knows you’re not taking he's Sh..... anymore.
Let your son know and the police know that he is not allowed in your house. He needs to learn he's lesson. Has he ever been to jail?? You need to be really strong!! I hope I give you some straight to kick him out. You shouldn't get treated that way. God Bless you.
Also tell him that if he doesn't leave willingly, then you will be forced to call the police to have him removed.
Yeah cause that's worked so well for her in the past. Change the locks and have the police there when he comes home. He might hate you now, but be a better man for it.
Thanks, Starbucks8. I don't think he is devilspawn either. I believe he is socially delayed and this is combined with the fact that he is gifted. And, as I said, I over protected him, thinking this is what a good mother does. And, I spoiled him because other than my Mom, we have no more family and he always goes into depressions around holidays and his birthday. This is because he feels so alone. This is what always made me want to spoil him, thinking I was making up for everything he did not have.
The most embarrassing part is that I'm a rehab counselor and many years ago counseled battered women-----so I know better. I've known his behavior has been abusive for a long time. I just was afraid if he was in juvenile hall he might be molested because he is good looking and although very strong, never knew how to fight. Now that he is 19 he is not afraid of anyone because he realizes he is strong but when he was little, if someone picked on him he did not know how to handle it. I took him to martial arts but it didn't help his confidence.
But I will begin with these steps and hope I can share if I wimp out.
If you start to feel like you're wimping out, you can always share your feelings here. I know from experience that there is no black and white to any situation like this. He is your child, and of course you want what's best for him! I do understand that it must be very hard for you to just throw him out onto the street. But you need to do it. Not only for the safety of you and your mother, but for his own good.
I really hope you can bite your bottom lip, and tell him that you will just not let him treat you the way he has been, and he just has to go until he learns how to respect his mother and his grandmother. The only two people that will be there for him once he learns what it's like in the real world, when he has to survive on his own.
Take care of yourself first Marsha! You have to, and I know that you realise that.
Thanks Silly Girl. I am starting to wimp out. For hours he has been going on about how it hurts that we have relatives, including his father, who will not have anything to do with us. He doesn't understand that I cannot force anyone to behave a certain way; that some people don't have much character or soul.
I'm now feeling sorry for him. He wants that $500 check back. I keep telling me that it is time for him to truly understand the consequences of his behavior and I will not give him that check back.
He has harped on me.
I called the police-their office. They told me to go to the closest courthouse and complete and eviction form and they will do the rest.
Thanks Silly Girl. I am starting to wimp out. For hours he has been going on about how it hurts that we have relatives, including his father, who will not have anything to do with us. He doesn't understand that I cannot force anyone to behave a certain way; that some people don't have much character or soul.
I'm now feeling sorry for him. He wants that $500 check back. I keep telling me that it is time for him to truly understand the consequences of his behavior and I will not give him that check back.
He has harped on me.
I called the police-their office. They told me to go to the closest courthouse and complete and eviction form and they will do the rest.
I'll do that tomorrow.
Thanks for the support.
I'm so sorry that you have to go to this extent, but you really do need to stick to your guns with this! Maybe when he sees that you are not kidding around anymore, he will get the wake up call he needs!
Get the order, and show him that you are absolutely serious!! That will be the best thing for him. Tell him that this time you ARE NOT going to back down, and if he wants a 500 cheque he can damn well go work for it...just like you did.
hey hun, wow, thats a pretty tough situation, i can understand that you wouldnt want to kick him out because you have that love for him as a mother, but you do need to put your foot down and just tell him that is enough!!!
Tell him if he doesnt pay his up keep, or if he can find it cheaper elsewhere, then tell him theres the door, if you ever need anymore help PM me, ill be happy to have a chat with you!
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