I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP

smrtpants

as with all situations/sets of circumstances that pertain to family [and other subjective arenas], there are often 'three sides to each coin'; and when a side is presented it is often, naturally and not necessarily intentionally, skewed to the p.o.v. of the party that has taken that particular side...

...that said, i wonder if you asked to speak with both your son and his wife at the same time, thereby allowing them to feel the 'protection' of their inherent alliance as husband and wife as opposed to the perception of being 'cornered' [which could imply the possibility of being 'coerced' into some kind of 'spousal-mutiny']...

...i'm thinking that you will have a better chance at reaching them if you approach the situation/issue from a 'what is in the children's best interests' instead of what you need as a grandparent, and that inviting them to discuss it as a 'dynamic duo' you should pose no threat to their strength both as husband and wife, and as parents who hopefully only want what's best for their children...

...on the other hand, if there is anything that you are not saying [either for the sake of retaining your anonymity, or because you just haven't come to terms with something crucial in a defining manner that pertains to their comfort level with regard to your interaction with their children] then you are simply in an unfortunate holding pattern until you can 'step up to the plate'/'face the music'/'wake up and smell the coffee', and nothing is going to change, in fact it might even deteriorate, until you come to terms with what their real issues are.

samsclub

You are right you do need to learn how to deal with it. As a mother of 3 young children it would stress me out if my mother in law were over sensitive and trying to "schedule" times with them. It is not natural and it does not flow. Your daughter in law will naturally go to her mother- where she has great comfort. It is not a reflection on you at all. You are taking that part personally.

With you trying to force yourself into their family time/life they will pull away even more. When you do see your grandchild just be the best grandmother you can be and enjoy seeing them. Let the atmosphere be comfortable and enjoyable. It is not a battle between her parents and you. You need to lower your expectations so that you will not feel so overwhelmed and they will not feel the pressure.

Just enjoy them and her when they do come over. (At least they do see you.) If you relax they might relax.

sandi_feet

This answer is not what I was looking for , but it sure does hit home. Thanks for the advise...

grandfather

sandi_feet,

Reject the load-of-crap advice heretofore given. Of course, none of us know all the particulars about your relationship with your daughter-in-law, but advice like "just enjoy them when they do come over. (At least they do see you).", and doing "what is in the children's best interests" is not only condescending but ignores your pain.

I do not know what kind of grandmother/mother-in-law you are, but I can tell you and anyone else who reads this that not every mother-in-law is the wicked witch of the west the world portrays. Do a Google search of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law problems and about all you find are a multitude of websites bent on showcasing how stupid, moronic, wicked, evil, disgusting, spawns-of-satan mothers-in-law are.

Yes, there are bad mothers-in-law. REALLY bad mothers-in-law. We get it already. There are tons of sites that denigrate mothers-in-law and psycho grandmothers. I am here defending the good ones.

My wife is a most wonderful wife, mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother. We have many of the same issues with our daughter-in-law concerning our granddaughter that you do. There is NO reason whatsoever that we should get the shaft like we do, but it's a fact. We have to FIGHT for scraps of time for our granddaughter, and yes, it does hurt when the "other grandparents" get 95%+ of the time and we get next to nothing. We have tried to have a great relationship with our daughter-in-law well before our son's wife got pregnant, but there was never any real emotional attachment from her to us. She "tolerates" us but doesn't feel a real connection with us.

She is petty, accuses us of things we've never done or thought, and our son doesn't want to play either side, so he totally stays out of it and refuses to get involved. About the comment that you should do what's in the best interest of the child: how is it NOT in the best interest of the child for you to get more time and not merely leftover scraps? Unless you are a criminal, a drug dealer, an alcoholic, or some other moral degenerate who would be unfit to be with your own granddaughter, it would absolutely be in the child's best interest to be with you more than she probably is.

What the idiot daughters-in-law don't/won't understand is that most grandmothers (at least the decent ones) just want to love their grandchildren and spend time with them. Is that so terrible? If those same grandmothers did NOT want this, the same daughters-in-law would howl about how uncaring grandma is. Can't win for losing. And yes, I understand how a woman would be more apt to go to her own mother for comfort, as one poster says, but what has that got to do with you being able to spend time with your own granddaughter? I don't recall you being hurt because your DIL doesn't come to you for comfort.

Far too many children/children-in-law really don't care what their parents want. That's a fact. My prayer for them all is that they will come to understand how we feel when THEY become grandparents someday. By that time, of course, it will be too late to develop a relationship with our grandchildren, as they will be grown and have a life of their own.

I am sorry I have no real advice for you in all this, except first, don't take anyone's stupid advice amounting to "shut up and be grateful for what you've got", and second, I CAN say that you shouldn't give up hope. Make sure your granddaughter gets to know you. Spend whatever time you can with her. As for me, when my own granddaughter asks me someday why can't she stay with us more, I'll tell her the truth.

bluerose

I have a 13 year old grandson living with me. It's a very sad story. I'll try to give you the short version. My son and his wife broke up, not even a year married. She was on her own with the baby when he got hurt and he was taken from her. My son got custody. Eight years later my son re-married, and then two more little boys came along. My grandson felt pushed out and became more and more unhappy at home and asked if he could come and live with me. He is 13 now and has been with me for two years. My son and his wife have been married about six years now and I can count on one hand how often I have seen her and the other two grandsons. I do not know the reason for this. And I am too busy taking care of my grandson to go and find out.

I really feel for you, sandi_feet. It's a very difficult position to be in. There are sites all over the net filled with grandparents who are taking care of grandchildren or are fighting for more time with their grandchildren. Some even fighting through the courts for more access to their grandchildren. It's heartbreaking.

Someone suggested sitting down with both parents and discus having more time with your grandchild. I think that would be a good idea. You also want to try to fix to have your grandchild on a regular basis. Pick a day that is continent for both parents and grandparents, and ask for it to be an overnight stay.

Let us know how you get on. Okay?

BabyBruchie

i think you talk to your son, since it seems that it was unbalanced because the mother is the one seting the time and all that. if your son would be in the scheduling, maybe the time between you and the other grandparents would be equal... and dont tell them at first that you where hurt maybe tell them indirectly or maybe ask them maybe if you could spend more time with your granddaughter because you miss her alot.

bluerose

sandi_feet,

Do a search on the net for grandparents rights. You can find other grandparents to talk to who have been through the same thing.

Tuscany

To be quite honest this post scares me. I have a very loving and kind mother and father in law. In fact I call my father in law Dad, however we do not get along all the time. That is just the way it is. My husband's mom is jealous when he can't come over and see her when she calls, and will take it out on me. Although I do not believe it is intentional it still happens. No matter how great your relationship is with your in-laws there is going to be tension, I believe that it happens when two families come together. Case in point...blended families where step children are involved.

What scares me the most is that you say that you will tell your granddaughter the "truth" as too why she is not over to your house as often. Don't you see that it will backfire on you. Yes, you are the grandparent and yes you do have rights, however, the parents are the parents and they have the most control over who their child can see. I fear that doing this will make your daughter in law resent you, push your granddaughter further away, and place your son in the middle of a situation that he cannot win.

grandfather

Tuscany,

Sorry my post scares you, but it's obvious that you cannot possibly relate to situations like those of us who are a generation older than you have to endure.

I am sorry your mother-in-law takes it out on you when she can't come over.

Believe me, I know all about extended families, tension, the need to give-and-take, and all that jazz. I do not expect the Normal Rockwell family, but I do dang well expect more than we get sometimes.

Your comment also assumes that our DIL doesn't resent us already. Well, she does, in detail I will not elaborate on here. What I know that you do not know is that my grandchild will be told that we don't care, don't want to see her. That will not go unchallenged. I will not have her believe a lie about her paternal grandparents who simply want the paranoid DIL to lighten up and not require supervised visits when there is absolutely no reason for it. No, there's no mental illness... just manipulation on her part.

And yes, I am well aware that our children have the right to do what they want with their own children. I had some of my own, obviously, and I know where they are coming from. But, like I said in my last post, someday they will probably be grandparents and I only hope they have children-in-law exactly like we have!