I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP

julesnrmc

I can sympathize with you. I have two beautiful grandchildren. My son became a widow last year at the age of 28. He now has a girlfriend who he has become very involved with him as well as the children.
In my case this young women , who is very good with my son and grandchildren spends less and less time with our family and more and more time with hers. I don't complain for fear that I will not see my grandchildren at all.I watch my grandchildren getting closer with her family.When the come to my home it's for a few hours but when it's her family its for hours and hours ( Very Late )
But , unless my son is willing to speak up and say something I don't see any changes happening. It breaks my heart to see our family drifting apart but honestly unless my son sets some ground rules I have no choice but to take what I can get..
Maybe daughters are different.
Good luck !

sally johnson

I've got a situation much worse I feel actually. For two years as doting grandparents we had loads of access to our grandson. His mum was really pleased to accept the help that we offered which included financial and supportive in fact whatever was best not just for our grandson but for her too. Her mum is dead and I feel I tried to become a sort of mom to her. Everything was great until 'the new man' came on the scene. Then, without notice, our phone calls were not answered. She changed her number, moved house and eventually moved our grandsons from his nursery. We have had no contact for 12mths and have approached a solicitor (who needs £230 plus vat an hour to help). Our solicitor advised a private detective to first find our grandson/his mom. He came up with nothing. We then went down a different route and have now been informed that 'no financial contracts' have been undertaken in the uk this year! What does that mean - probably that she has left the country with our grandson? She was on benefits and had never worked so I doubt if she is keeping herself, and at any rate, wouldn't that include family allowance which she would be entitled to still. We are at a loss as to what else we can do. So I suppose what I am saying is that even if its not as much contact as you would like, there is something to be said for putting up with the scraps - we would love to be able to do that just now.

Nanawannabe

Not to pirate the discussion but as an update on my daughter in law problem. It is far from over, yet took a new twist. They were planning the wedding (date confirmed) when she found out she was pregnant. We took it in stride and she opted to keep the same date even though she would be considerably pregnant at the time of marriage. About a month after they were married a close friend of hers came to my son and said she was riddled with guild she hadn't told him that the baby probably wasn't his as the new wife had been having an affair at work. My son was devastated but confronted her, she assured him it was his baby, but admitted to the affair. He requested she take a DNA test, which she agreed to. I believe she thought he would let it "drop", but he didn't. Well you guessed it...the DNA was performed at the birth and 48 hrs later we learned he was not the father. She moved out, taking all the furniture I purchased and even now is trying to manipulate back into his life. They have been separated 3 months and she wants to get back together. She even offered to give up the baby for adoption to her mother to make it easier.
What a mess. For the first time in my life, I did speak up to my son. I usually tell him what ever his choice, I will abide by it but this time I spoke my mind. I can only hope he learns from this horrific happening that this marriage is not meant to be. Our family has been turned upside down.
I hope things are easier for the rest of the posters and things are settling in.

sally johnson

Well - what a mess indeed. but surely your son wouldn't want her after all that. I'm not saying that it should be a problem for him bringing up another mans baby - i really think that to be a dad you have to be there throughout - not just at conception, but for her to offer to give you her baby - what else could this woman do? Anyway - nothing much here has changed. I've heard back from another private detective - still negative on an address I'm afraid and also tried to contact her sister - who refuses to take our calls. I've just done a letter addressed to her via her brother, but now I find out that he has moved address - I'm not giving up either !!!!!!

MIL Grandma

I am so glad to find a place where there's discussion of a daughter in law problem instead of the many MIL from Hell places. Being a Mother in Law is the worst role a mother of a son could have to perform in life. My heart goes out to all who have expressed their pain and anger sometimes at the treatment they receive from daughters in law. I believe it is fairly common for women to be close to their mothers and for men to simply give up making any family plans when they marry. As the mother of two sons I have found that my sons go along with whatever arrangements their wives make. Period. I have taken things personally, felt hurt and anger and want to just find a way to let go of these negative feelings. It is not easy to let go and although I have seen kind answers here, I still don't know how to let go of the hurt. I have started seeing a therapist, for the first time in my life, and I am hoping to learn hope to just let go of the feelings and move on with life. If anyway knows a better way, please let me know. I don't think there is a way to change the situation. The only possibility is to change your feelings or let go of the hurt.
I suspect there are a lot of selfish DILs out there and a lot of ambivalent sons who want to keep the DILs happy.

notthemama

You are not alone. When my two sons were born I knew then the above would happen. Now that it has it still deeply hurts. My sons mother in law is devious and does everything she can to to make me look bad and push me out of my sons life. We have given them so much more and the only thing I can think is that she is jealous. We only get to see them about three times a year you would think when we visit she would lay off but she doesn't. She is like the little devil on my daughter in laws shoulder. My daughter in law is having a baby and I want to be there when it is born and her mother in law is telling people she doesn't understand why I think I need to be there. Yet she will be. She doesn't have a clue how selfish that sounds. Wish daughter in laws could treat their mother in laws how they would want their future daughter in laws to treat them!