I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP

rejectedmotherinlaw

you posted in december 2006. are you still out there?

Nanagramma

Hi.. I just read this whole string of postings.. I am also in a similar situation.. But the difference is that my DIL does Not have a great relationship with her mother and family.. In fact her greatest desire is to have a good relationship with her mom!

So, as a result she feels disloyal to them if she has a nice relationship with me... It's all very mixed up. I live 20 minutes away from them but basically have been told to stay away and not call unless they call me. So, I see my grandson about once every few weeks for an hour or 2 ( generally at other family functions).

My son is stuck in the middle which I hate .. I don't want him to know how bad I feel but it affects everything I do. I can't sleep and think about the unfairness of it all the time. When they were first dating, she called me all the time and used me as a confidante.. but now - nothing. I am so disappointed!! This isn't what I expected. I have other grandchildren living in another state so rarely get to see them (but am not treated to badly).

I know that having a discussion with my son and DIL is useless..

Nanawannabe

This is n old thread, however one of absolute prevalence. My mother used to say a daughter is a daughter all of her life, while a son is a son until he takes a wife.
I would like to have a good relationship with my daughter in law, yet am held at bay on every score. I feel like I must "walk on eggs" around her. I had a wonderful relationahip with my mother and grandmother and hoped to have the same. I have been married twice, once when I was much younger for 7 years and most recently 27 years. I still feel kindly towards my first mother in law. My daughter in law is on a mission to exclude us our first grandchild is due shortly and we hare beyond excited naturally. I offered to buy them all their furniture and we went out to dinner one night to pick it out. I asked her mother to accompany us, to set a precedence for how exciting this is for us all. Her mother declined. Nathless the furniture was chosen and brought home. While we were there she mentioned a particular theme she was considering for the baby's room. She had mentioned a particular theme she was looking for and I told her I had seen the very one online, but it was also available at Burlington coat factory. We looked while we were there but didn't see it. The next few days were busy, but I emailed her and told her I found the bedding at a different store, cheaper and with free shipping. She was excited and cancelled the one she ordered and saved 50.00 with the find. It was supposed to be delivered on Wednesday. Wednesday came and went, no mention of the bedding. I emaled her and asked if it had come in, and she said it had but she forgot to tell me. I said that I was thrilled and was it Nathless she had hopped in person? She said it was, and I said I couldn't wait to see it. She informed me I couldn't see it. I thought she was kidding. She wasn't. The next few days, I ran into my son and he asked me how I liked the baby bedding. I hesitated, but told him I hadn't seen it. he said well, come over and see it. I hated to tell him, but mentioned she didn't want me to see it. He said that was crazy, as she had shown it to her mother. We were set to go out to eat and the three of us were in the car and he casually mentioned "Did you show my mom the baby blankets? She said no, I'm planning to wait until the room is set up. My son said, your mother saw the stuff, and she said well I really want to wait. I smoothed it over by saying to him, she just wants to give me the full effect. In my heart, I know she is just being childish and controlling. Was it such a big deal to show me the blanket? When she found out she was pregnant, her mother screamed and gave her a lecture. Now they are young, but married. I went by and bought them a beautiful "Congratulation card" and brought her some of her favorite body lotion. I told her to pamper herself. I always try to do little things for her, so I just don't understand why she feels the need to put up such walls. They live 5 minutes from me, and I go by maybe 1-2 month when we have plans. It's not like I'm knocking on the door every day. I don't understand the insecurity. I'm not on earth to take over, I just want to co exist in their lives.
I hope your situation is better, because I can see mine is going to be trying. I probably won't be able to see the baby at all.

whoknowswhattodo

Hey...why not ask for a specific time each week to be with her? Or every other week? They might love a built in evening free...make it really positive. Put your own hurt aside for the overall good and perhaps someday in the future they'll like spending more and more time at your home. Just be as hospitable as you can and don't expect anything in return. God bless!

Nanagramma

MY situation is still the same.. I am asked to babysit about once every other week.. And I do see them at other family functions.. I try hard not to be intrusive and stay away from the darling baby as much as I can bear it on those occasions. I don't want to burden my son .. he knows it all but can't change his wife.. (he is fighting to stay in the marriage so he doesn't lose the baby).. It's really hurtful to be kept out of enjoying the baby but maybe in time things will change.. Maybe as she matures, she will become a kinder person?

Nanawannabe

That would be something to look forward to if as she matures, she would be a kinder person. The MIL get a bad rap...seldom do you hear about a manipulative DIL. Mine is very insecure, and manipulative. The last thing I want is to put my son in the middle.
I hope mine gets kinder as she matures... One can hope

darling dear

I feel your pain. We have the same problems you described with additional concerns. My son and daughter-in-law had dated only months when she got pregnant-her second-at 18. We had the initial shocks; etc., but paid a great part of the wedding and welcomed her into her home. They lived here a short time before going to college. She did nothing even when asked to. We help with bills and rent, but are not overly generous. The baby is now 4 months and my daughter-in-law is just beginning a part time job. She shows us no respect yet expects apologies from us for no reason or any reason. She also uses the baby to get what she wants. She lies continuously. My son works and goes to school. He is caught in the middle and is not sure of anything any more. I have even been told by her that I am "f....ing rude" when I disagree with something. Her mother actually calls me and tells me who I can and cannot invite to functions at my home....I've tried discussing issues, but that is a joke. She doesn't want to be brought into "my stuff". Hope this makes you feel better!

Nanawannabe

Both our problems are that our daughter's in laws are very young. They think they know if all...Too bad. My DIL controls everything, and I know when the baby comes my life is going to be hell. Of course I am excited about the baby, as well I should for my first grandchild. I have gone out of my way to include her and make her feel a welcome part of the family. She just wants to exclude me on every score. I bought all the baby furniture, yet can't see it set up. What a joke. I would think she would want to share in the excitement. Casual friends at her work get treated better. She mentioned in passing she had invited someone at work to be the baby's Godmother. Unbelieveable. The woman delined saying it was a conflict of interest since she was her boss.

Mommy2gio

My mom is very sensative about her time with my 3 kids. Especially now with my 6week old daughter(first grandaughter). Everybody asks to take my oldest son everywhere. He is 6 turning 7 but going on 37. Anyway she would plan special things and i wouldn't realize it and makes plans for him to go with my brother. She was very hurt even though i wasn't doing it on purpose.

So what I decided to do was give her a day. one day a week that was hers. If she was going to make plans to make it on that day and i would not schedule any one else on that day. My boys stay the night and she will take them to school the next day. she gets her time and i don't have to get up early to take them to school.

Now you don't have to ask for a whole day if you think your daughter in law won't be willing but maybe just bring it up lightly to them both. Ask if there is a day of the week that they need a babysitter so they can run errands or go out to dinner together. so that it seems like a favor to them. That way they will think " hey we could have a date night once a week". You won't seem needy, you will seem helpful. you can look forward to that day once a week and if you don't get to see her as much on holidays it wont be that big of a deal because you will have seen her more often. Let me know if this helps.

There's nothing wrong with wanting more time with your grandchild. You just have to go about it in the right way I really do want to know if this helps you

ismxp6

I think your idea is all wrong..... this family with the grand child need to have empathy towards both grand parents. They all diserve to visit with the grand child. What the hell is family about? In the USA, family is something that is just not there for the kids. I should know I was an educator and I saw it first hand. It is rare to see a full structured family.
Something that is needed as a good foundation for our country...but not the case.
The children need to know their heritage... it gives a sense of being. Get a Clue !!