I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP
I agree totally with Tuscany: We have a similar situation we treated our DIL like a princess and she is so fast to turn on us when she wants something. She is just a StepMom to our GrandChild and she seems to think her parents come before us when it comes to Our GrandChild's B'Day's, Christmas etc. Totally unaccepted to me & my husband and our youngest son who is the uncle to the Grand Child. Crossing the line if you ask me. The Child has a Mother. We are proud that she can have a "Best Friend" when it comes to our GrandChild but not a Mother.
Quote:
Originally Posted by grandfather
Tuscany,
Sorry my post scares you, but it's obvious that you cannot possibly relate to situations like those of us who are a generation older than you have to endure.
I am sorry your mother-in-law takes it out on you when she can't come over.
Believe me, I know all about extended families, tension, the need to give-and-take, and all that jazz. I do not expect the Normal Rockwell family, but I do dang well expect more than we get sometimes.
Your comment also assumes that our DIL doesn't resent us already. Well, she does, in detail I will not elaborate on here. What I know that you do not know is that my grandchild will be told that we don't care, don't want to see her. That will not go unchallenged. I will not have her believe a lie about her paternal grandparents who simply want the paranoid DIL to lighten up and not require supervised visits when there is absolutely no reason for it. No, there's no mental illness... just manipulation on her part.
And yes, I am well aware that our children have the right to do what they want with their own children. I had some of my own, obviously, and I know where they are coming from. But, like I said in my last post, someday they will probably be grandparents and I only hope they have children-in-law exactly like we have!
I have thought about the legal route, but I am not going to do that. It would be too hard on everyone involved. However, I have decided that I just need to change my expectations. I expected to be able to be a grandma to my grandchildren. I expected to have close relationships with them, my sons and their wives. I expected to have the same closeness with them that I have with others in my family. Now, I am in the process of changing my expectations. That way, if I get those things that I hoped for, it will be an added blessing! If not, hopefully it will not hurt so much.
I hope your daugher in law never has a son....we've had to stay very proactive for every moment we get, and the minute we let up, we're just out of the picture. Its very disheartening, and its just the way it is. It also has to do with the nature of the daughter in law. One of ours is very spoiled, and as long as she can just think about herself, she's fine. so if we back off, and don't try to see the grandchild, she's not going to worry about it. The other daughter in law has shown alot more maturity in that area, so we really try not to abuse it and really appreciate her concern. Why is it that the parents of the girl always seem to act like they 'own' the grandchild. I've seen it time and time again. Pretty much anyone you talk to that has a married son is in the same boat. We just pray alot, and try not to think about it too much
Katie Ann,
I love the way you think!! I have often wanted to go to my DIL's mother and say, "I hope you get a DIL just like mine" and smile sweetly. However, I can't do that. I have two other sons and hopefully they will have wives that love us and want to include us. I will think about what you said if that time ever comes and try not to take advantage of the situation. In the meantime, I will continue to insist in the nicest way possible that I see my granddaughter. When I first posted, she was coming to visit for 11 days. Those 11 days are over now and we got to see our granddaughter twice for about 45 minutes each time. Both times I had to 'nicely' insist that she meet us for lunch so we could see the baby. It was very sweet to be able to hold her and see her sweet smile. When I get resentful about only seeing her twice, I have to remind myself that is 200% better than the previous time she visited when we did not see her at all! When I talk with other young mothers, I always remind them to include the father's parents in the grandparenting if that is what the grandparents want. I allow them to see a bit of my hurt so that they can take that into consideration if they are considering acting in the same thoughtless way my DIL acts.
I do have to wonder about some of these posts. My position may be unusual, but it seems that some of you are asking a lot of your daughter-in-laws. I don't come from a very close family... my dad's side of the family lived out-of-state, so we saw them once or twice a year. My mom's side lived in town, but as my mom put it, "her mother didn't really like children". We'd see her every few months, but when we did us kids would go play outside while mom and grandma talked. When we got older, she'd go on outings with us, an afternoon at the zoo, meeting for lunch, etc. Most of the time that the family all got together was on the major holidays for 4-5 hours. I have to say, I'd go insane if my (hypothetical) MIL wanted to be as involved in my (hypothetical) child's life as some of the people who have posted on this topic. Especially the ones who want to sue for visitation! It may noy be anything about you... your DIL may just have different expectations about what is "normal" than you do.
I do have to wonder about some of these posts. My position may be unusual, but it seems that some of you are asking a lot of your daughter-in-laws. I don't come from a very close family... my dad's side of the family lived out-of-state, so we saw them once or twice a year. My mom's side lived in town, but as my mom put it, "her mother didn't really like children". We'd see her every few months, but when we did us kids would go play outside while mom and grandma talked. When we got older, she'd go on outings with us, an afternoon at the zoo, meeting for lunch, etc. Most of the time that the family all got together was on the major holidays for 4-5 hours. I have to say, I'd go insane if my (hypothetical) MIL wanted to be as involved in my (hypothetical) child's life as some of the people who have posted on this topic. Especially the ones who want to sue for visitation! It may noy be anything about you... your DIL may just have different expectations about what is "normal" than you do.
Froggy7 I 100% agree! I'm dealing with a MIL that thinks that she's allowed to do whatever she wants whenever she wants because they are "her grandbabies." She somehow believes that it's all about her and that we need to cater to that. I have news, it is not all about her. I see the main issue as she not having hobbies and interests of her own and putting way too much pressure on us to use her grandchildren to fufull her emptiness. A word to the GPs-This is a two income world, things are not as they used to be and the more pressure they feel and stress you add to their lives (and I know in our situation it is this way) the more they will in turn avoid you. The best thing you can do is not show your hurt feelings, bolster them and tell them what a great job they do and make them feel good about their abilities and BACK OFF! I know anyone who is pushy with me I pull away....people who are laid back I ask them for their help and feel comfortable with them hearing me and my wishes as a parent. They are telling you something when they don't offer up time...the more you push the more they will feel as though you don't hear them and don't respect their wishes as parents. It may take some time but backing off will cause them to pursue you and offer time. But you need to wait it out in the wings without a timeline.
Don't worry about what they do with her family or others. Just worry about yourself. Ask your daughter-in-law politely. I really miss "insert name", could i arrange to spend more time with her? I'd like to help you (daughter-in-law), perhaps when you get your hair cut or have a dr.'s appt or when you and "son" go on a date. Just hold tight and be available and always offer. As the child gets older, she'll request to spend more time with you.
My mother-in-law rarely asks to spend time with my son. But now that he's 4, he says, I don't want to stay with my other grandmother...I want to see grandma (my mother-in-law). So, in due time, your granddaughter will likely request the visits and you'll get more time.
What grandparents don't realize is that with working parents, we too, feel like we don't get enough time with our child. So, keep that in mind, too.
Just set your intentions for positive time with your granddaughter and intend for it to happen. Try to remain open minded and put yourself in the mom's shoes sometimes, too.
good luck! Your granddaughter is lucky to have you!
There may be no answer it seems - I have almost the identical problem - and my husband and myself have agonized how to "fix" the situation. We tried to talk to our son but he said there was no problem - we just were looking too hard. We are tollerated by his wife -she will not visit nor bring our 2 precious granddaughters to visit. It's only when she's working on weekends that my son can allow us time to see the girls. We've done all we know how to do but there is nothing that seems to make a difference. She has a mother and father and she doesn't see the need for us - which is 98% of the time. I offer to babysit - she doesn't need it - her mother and family always; we offer to take them out - there's always something else she has planned. I've been so hurt that it's gotten on my last nerve - to the point I've spoken with my MD about prescriptive medication to numb the pain. And that's sad - I don't need meds - I just need to feel the family that I once enjoyed throughout my life. We were a close family and until this marriage 9 years ago things were normal. This is not normal.
I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP
I am a mom to 2 year old girls and i feel sometimes as though my mother in law gets upset because I want leave my girls with her I have only left my girls in emergencys with my mom because they see her more I dont mind the girls spending time with her as long as i can be there my girls were born very premature and i am a very picky mom so good luck maybe you should try telling her how you feel
I’m responding to those of you who are grandparents but are not given the opportunity to spend quality time with their grandchildren. Two years ago my granddaughter was born into our wonderful family. She is such a blessing to us! My son and daughter-in-law are terrific parents! I struggle greatly with the fact that in the past two years I have not been given the opportunity to have quality time with my granddaughter, though I have offered to baby-sit if they needed to run to the store, get things done or go out for an evening. I know and understand the close relationship between mothers and daughters and know that it is normal for my daughter-in-law to want her mother to be primary in having my granddaughter, but I am so hurt that not even once have they given me time with her. We (my two sons and their wives and my granddaughter) have family night here at my home. After dinner my granddaughter and I have fun together for a few hours but an hour or two goes very quickly and I feel like my daughter-in-law is observing everything I do. After much prayer for God’s direction, I asked my son and daughter-in-law if we could talk. My son allowed his wife to present her thoughts which were those of insecurity for anyone else watching my granddaughter except her mother. I am 59 and her parents are late 40’s. I am not a competitive person and do not want to be a wedge between my son and his wife. Does this mean acceptance is the only answer? I cannot tell you how painful this is to have never bonded with this wonderful baby. I feel grandparents are an essential part of the family unit. I long to talk with her and walk in the flower gardens, looking at butterflies, birds and making blanket tents and dressing up our kitties in doll clothes. Kids do not need a lot of “things” to make them well rounded but unconditional love and attention is the glue that holds families together. I see many young families trying so hard to entertain their little ones 24/7 and they are worn out and weary. There isn’t enough time to stop and smell the roses and that is where grandparents can step in. Thanks for listening all of you grandparents that feel my pain.
Linear Mode
