Help with daughter in law problem

sandi_feet · Nov 7, 2006, 11:01 PM

I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP

turbo · Jan 22, 2007, 07:36 PM

Your feelings are certainly understandable. Being left out or treated unfairly is very painful. I cannot fathom how adult children who have been given so much love by kind parents can fail to see the hurtfulness of their behavior. Perhaps keeping a journal might help. It seems as though the Dr. Phil, 'talk it out and make it better' style does not always work. Adult children do not always want to listen, remain defensive and indifferent despite our best efforts. Please keep us posted as to how your situation improves and know that others are experiencing the similar strife. You are not alone.

Abuhar · Jan 24, 2007, 05:54 PM

You are asking how to deal with the feelings, which you want to get rid, right? How about thinking of something distracting, but challenging: what can occupy your mind? Think of your habits, interests, capacities, what you always wanted to do but postponed. I am saying that by finding a new activity you will kill two rabits: to forget your sad feelings and to attract your granddaughter with it. Kids of 19 year old are pretty busy people with their young dreams and interests. If you can find something that she too be involved in her soul?

gardenstop · Apr 15, 2007, 10:14 AM

Good morning.

I have so much to say with regard to g-parenting in this day and age; feeling like sandi, a second class citizen and only called upon when so and so needs jeans, sleepers; always getting the left overs regarding visitation and of course, forgettabout holidays. I have been dealing with an extremely insecure dil for over 10 years who only participates in a relationship myself and my husband on an as-little-as possible basis, unless of course she needs something monetarily or materially.

I have attempted to have one-on-one's with her; I have attempted to discuss the problem with my son; all of which boil down to a huge waste of time.

I had such a remarkable relationship with my g-ma - - so perhaps my expectations are unreasonable; however, I also tend to take more than my share of responsibility in a relationship that has gone sour. I'm working on that.

When I read some of these posts, sandi, it troubles me as the criticism seems to be directed toward only the mom in law. No one is perfect; however, and I can only speak from my experience in life, but what I have noticed is 30 something's seem to know absolutely everything about everything - - from parenting [gosh, I can't even imagined how I could have raised children w/out electric bottle warmers and warmed diaper wipes and intercoms etc, etc] But I did raise children. I was a good mom who encouraged self esteem and open mindedness. And now, when I am the brunt of my son and his wife's inconsiderate, rude and disrespectful behavior, I can't help but wonder what in the world did I do wrong?

Ah, but bottom line is, I do not live for my children or my g-children. This is my life. I have choices. I cannot control what my son or his wife do or say or think. I must not waste a precious moment - - at least I try not to, sometimes not very successfully - - on negativity and anger and hurt feelings. I must rise up and embrace all the beauty this world has to offer me.

So, you are not alone Sandi. And those of you so critical, let's talk again in 20 years when your children are parents - - perhaps you'll reflect on this differently.

froggy7 · Apr 15, 2007, 08:35 PM

What about a compromise? You say that you like your daughter-in-law's parents. What about spending some time with the baby when she's with the other side of the family? I mean, we are talking about a 19-month-old. Having some more people around to play with and help keep an eye on her is surely a good thing.

Plus, it sounds like DIL has a lot more people on her side of the family that want to spend time with the baby. After all the aunts, uncles, and cousins have their turn with the baby, she may feel that she needs the time to be alone with her kid that you want to visit. Like it or not, in most families the wife is in charge of the social calendar, and it's probably easier for her to tell someone that hasn't been in her family all her life that they can't see the kid than it is to tell Aunt Suzy who was at all of her birthday parties. Especially if husband isn't sticking up for equal time for his side of the family.

froggy7 · Apr 16, 2007, 05:09 AM

I've slept, and my brain was apparently working on this overnight.

Here's some additional thoughts:

What sort of "special outings" are you planning? It might go over better if you offered to watch the baby for a few hours on a weeknight so that they can go out, for example, as opposed to "I'm planning to take the baby to zoo all day Saturday and have them stay overnight."

Are you really getting any less time with the baby than any single member of her family? Is this a matter of perception. Example: If there are ten people on her side of the family, and you on yours, and each of you gets to see the baby for an hour, her side of the family sees the baby ten times as much as you do, but her mom is probably muttering that she doesn't get to spend enough time with the baby herself. DIL may see what she's doing as being equitable to individuals, while you see it as favoring her side.

Is there something about the plans that you make, or where you live, that the DIL is uncomfortable with? Does she feel that they are inappropriate for her child? Do you live in a bad neighborhood, on a busy street, etc? Do you and your husband have a more heated way of interacting than she is used to? I dated a guy once where the family, as a matter of course, was always yelling and shouting, while I came from a very restrained, quiet family.

Anyway, think on those for a bit and see if any of them apply. If so, you know what you can do to either alter or accept the situation.

vlee · Apr 16, 2007, 06:23 AM

Is there anything in the way you behave which may be putting you DIL off? For example, do you make mention of better ways she could do this or that, or save time here or there? A lot of grandma's want to be helpful, but often it feels like criticism to the mom. Her brief encounters with you could be to avoid feeling like she is inadequate. Perhaps you could be the first to make holiday plans with your son and DIL? Invite them over for a specific time. Volunteer to babysit your granddaughter, at their home. Tell them you'd like to give them a few hours to go to dinner and a movie, or whatever they would like to do. Your DIL would probably feel more comfortable thinking of her little girl being safe and comfy in her own home. Just be sure to follow whatever rules or guidelines they have for her so that you will be invited back again. How was your relationship with your DIL before she had the baby? Did you spend much time together? How about your son?

I know you say you don't feel comfortable talking to your DIL, but I think you really need to. You need to make her aware that you love your granddaughter and feel you don't have much of an opportunity to spend time with her.

judyg4040 · Apr 24, 2007, 08:42 PM

I have a similar problem. My son and DIL live about 10 hours from my husband and me. Her parents live about two miles from us. I have a three-month-old granddaughter. My DIL comes to visit every few weeks and does not think that it is a problem that she will not notify us to let us know that she is in town with our only grandchild. My son now knows that he has to notify us, but he tells me that if we want to see our granddaughter we are to visit her parents to do so. Her parents have made every attempt to let us know that we are not liked or welcome in their home. They pretend to be polite but then we hear the things they say about us behind our backs. She is coming this weekend and will be here for 11 days. We were told that we could go and visit for a little while on Saturday and that is all. My DIL will not bring the child here or to any other of the relatives' homes. My mother is not in good health and cannot climb the stairs to see the baby and they don't care. It has been a very difficult year for us. My sister was diagnosed with lung cancer, my husband had heart surgery around the same time, and my mother is in and out of the hospital. During all this we can be grateful that our granddaughter is healthy and has great parents but we are not being allowed to be her grandparents. My heart is broken.

startover22 · Apr 27, 2007, 12:46 PM

I have read these posts and think you should not make your son take sides, it isn't fair. I like the idea of talking to them together and asking them if there is a problem and make it very clear you do not want to start a problem, you just want more time with the baby. Tell them that you feel a little blown off and see what they say. Maybe they have concerns themselves. You just never know, let them talk it through with you. You sound like you will be a great grandparent. And if all else fails, take what you can get without starting a big ordeal. Starting a big ordeal will just make everyone feel uncomfortable and you will most likely see them less. I know that there are problems with my in laws and my own parents, hurt feeling and such, one is closer to us than the other so it really makes it hard. I do the best i can with my situation and sometimes we just don't get what we really want, even if it is a great want. Good luck & go talk to them together.

judyg4040 · Apr 27, 2007, 01:37 PM

I agree with you about not making my son take sides. Believe me, I know which side he would take. I have tried to be positive with my DIL and son and told them what great parents they are and will be as their daughter gets older. My gripe is that my granddaughter lives 10 hours drive from me. If she is brought to the town that I live in, I would appreciate access to her, not the fact that they are here hidden from me and my husband. Believe me, one of my most painful moments was walking into church one day and there was my DIL with her mother passing the baby around and I was not even aware that they were here. It made me think that there was something wrong with us that we should not be allowed to hold our granddaughter and it was okay for perfect strangers to hold her! I would only and have kept my children away from family that I felt would harm them in some way, which is what makes it so tough for me that we are being kept from our granddaughter.

My son has told me that my DIL is here visiting HER parents and not me and that I should not expect to see them. He is the one that works and has limited vacation time while my DIL has unlimited time to visit with her family. He tells me that when he comes to visit, then it will be my "turn" to see my grandchild. I try to be as reasonable as I can and not allow him to see the pain that this causes. I would never and have never expected them to keep the grandbaby from the other family, or even them which is another story. How selfish is that? I was raised in a very large family and sharing babies was common in my family. I don't want to see my grandchildren raised in such a way that they think they are only allowed a certain amount of love to spread around and the more people that they love, the more they have to divide what they are given thus having less to give. That is what I am witnessing first-hand with my DIL's family. My belief is that the more you love, the larger your heart gets.

The great thing that I have found about these posts is the fact that I know I am not alone and that this is a common problem and this helps me cope. However, at the same time it saddens me that people have to go through this at all.

vlee · Apr 27, 2007, 02:14 PM

I feel for you. This is a sad situation. I really hope you are able to talk to them, but remember, you can always go the legal route to be granted time with your grandchild. I know you don't want to cause more problems (which that surely would) but if you really want to see her and continue asking and being denied, you might have to resort to that.