I’m going to keep this thread PG-13, so bare with me when I get creative with certain words.
I’ve been noticing a trend, especially in the Marriage and Relationship sections, that a lot of people are having children, but one of the two parents is neglecting parental duties for various reasons.
Here are some common cases:
1) The husband/boyfriend decides to cheat on his wife/girlfriend, so the trust is broken and it’s suggested that the man stay away from the family so that he does not alienate the family by setting such a bad example. Or vice versa.
2) The child was an accident and now the parents are stuck with a child, but were not ready in the first place. One of the two parents will neglect parental duties because of lack of maturity. This happens for both men and woman.
3) The couple believes that they are ready, but once they have a child, they realize that the other person is not who they thought they were. Clashes begin and someone gets kicked out of the house, leaving the child with only one parent.
4) A dangerous approach is when only one of the two people involved decides to have a baby. This traps the other person into a situation that he/she was not otherwise prepared for.
I wish I had a magic solution so that we could avoid every possible situation; however, that’s unrealistic. I do however want to list a few suggestions that maybe help prevent some of these occurences:
a) Before having an intimate relationship, make sure you are very comfortable with the person on an intellectual level. You can’t expect to get to know a person very well only after a few months. It takes time to get to know someone. It takes time to earn the person’s trust. It takes time to work on issues. But once those issues are ironed out, your relationship will be much stronger and you will be in a better position to take the next step in a relationship.
b) Relationships don’t need to be rushed. If you’re already committed to one another, then spend some time enjoying each other’s company and connecting an on intellectual level. Intimacy is a huge factor in the relationship, but when all is said and done, it’s not the most important factor. Think about it, how many relationships have ended because of arguments compared to have many relationships ended because of lack of the physical aspects?
c) Expecting other relatives to help you raise your child is also unacceptable. It's one thing to expect your relatives to help you babysit, but it's another thing to expect them to raise your child(ren). There are so many negative factors that can be contributed to this line of thinking.
i) By dodging responsibility, your child could grow up to resent his true parents. Being a parent is almost like playing God. You're bringing another human being into this world. You control your child's unbringing and it's very important that the child grows up in a caring and healthy environment.
ii) It's transfering the burden onto someone else, which is not fair to that person (or those people, i.e. grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). If you're so irresponsible, then you're not responsible enough to have a physical relationship in the first place.
Regardless of these factors, if you feel that you are responsible enough to have an intimate relationship with the possibility of having a child, accidental or not, then you should be responsible enough to raise the child.
d) If you’re in a relationship hoping to change the other person, or hoping that the other person will change with time, then you’re setting up yourself for disappointment. There’s always that possibility that the person will change. But there’s no guarantee. False hope has caused many to fall victim to a painful relationship. If you have so many concerns and issues about the other person, then you need to slow down the relationship and sort it out before you move forward. If you can’t sort it out, it’s time to end it, as tough as that sounds.
e) Regardless of how much protection is used, there is always a chance of an accident. So when you commit to an intimate relationship, you need to be prepared for all possibilities and not assume that the protection is enough.
f) Falling victim to a one-sided decision to have a baby can be toxic (as discussed in responses #6-9). This is a perfect example on why it is utterly important to get to know the other person well before commiting to a physical relationship. A forced pregnancy can quickly deteriorate a relationship.
g) I cannot emphasize this more, but getting to know the person at a higher mental level is extremely important. Getting engaged is a huge step and if you still have lingering doubts, it’s best to sort them out before you get engaged.
h) Finally, marriage. If you cannot pass any of the above mentioned steps, marriage should not even be a topic of discussion.
i) Financial stability is extremely important to raise a child (see response #5 by CFZD)
Hopefully the information provided here will help couples realize that having a highly physically romantic relationship is not a small step. Whether accidental or not, having a child is a HUGE COMMITMENT and CANNOT be treated lightly.
** The information provided may sound harsh and does not cover cases of rape (see Criminal Law), drugged (see Criminal Law), and drunken accidents (see Drinking Responsibly).
As Artlady mentioned it sets up for a vicious cycle of messed up lives starting from one abandoned baby to the following generations.
A suffering child grows up to be a confused adult,making the wrong choices,
mostly without the right education or information
and ends up messing the lives of any family he or she starts without dealing with the existing issues.
I'm glad that this thread is drawing attention. Hopefully more people will vote in the poll as well.
It's interesting to note that so far, 4/10 votes have been "other reasons". It just shows that nor matter how long my text is, there are still SO MANY other issues that I haven't been able to cover. This is really a HUGE issue. Hopefully with the addition of all your suggestions/observations/comments, it will help further complete what I've begun.
I really appreciate all the responses I've gotten so far. Keep it up!!
Excallent post I wish, you pretty much covered everything really well, hopefully it opens a few people eyes.
Only criticism is not to do with your post but with the poll... Your option for "Other" covers so so many issues as you said.. the 4 other reasons you listed are not the most common in my opinion.
You have not covered reasons like money, work, schooling (for the mother/father if young), infuence by others, thinking they cannot or are not raising a child well, depression, all this would influence the high result for "other"
It is also not based on fact which is what this site is all about... it's just a stab in the dark and people opinions on what they think would be common reasons when they may infact not be.
Sorry for the criticism it's just the first thing I thought when I saw the poll.
Thanks for pointing that out shazamataz. The reason I listed those reasons is because they were the most common that I encountered in this forum.
Furthermore, you're listing problems (money, school, work) that occur after the child was born. What I'm trying to point out is how to avoid that situation all together. Having a child comes with a lot of responsibilities.
I was focusing on avoiding initamacy (or sexual intercourse) when a couple is not prepared with the fact that accidents can happen. The thesis should be, "don't have sex until you are ready to face the prospect of raising a child", otherwise, you're faced with a possible abortion. I wanted to keep it PG-13, but maybe I should have been more explicit.
You're right, my question wasn't as clear as I wanted. There are many other issues that can be covered after a child was born, but that wasn't my focus.
The question was suppose to be about one parent abandoning the child(ren) while the other parent raises the child(ren) alone. It's rare that money, work and school would kick the other person out of the house and the child being left with 1 parent. It's usually relationship problems, such as the possible answers provided.
From what I have seen, the main reason children are abandoned, is the relationship fails, for whatever reason, and the woman becomes a single parent, often without support, or resources.
Of course their are exceptions to the rule and I think many more men are getting it, and doing their jobs better, but its no secret that females are more in the work force, with less pay, and often must fill the dad role too.
My vote is for a failed relationship, often for the wrong reasons, and to much to fast, with little knowledge, or experience, to really make things work.
My vote is for a failed relationship, often for the wrong reasons, and to much to fast, with little knowledge, or experience, to really make things work.
This is a very valid point. Feelings of lust can really rush a relationship that wasn't ready for the next level. Couples need to spend more time strengthening a relationship first before jumping into bed.
There are too many babies being born without any consideration as to what it means to bring a child into this world. The decision to use birth control is of less importance than what colour nailpolish goes with which lipstick.
Entrapment is one thing, where a woman/girl figures she can 'get her man' by having his baby is a sign of a very twisted thinking, that ultimately leads to taxpayer supported children and families with no father in sight.
And what about young women who plan to have babies together, and have no intention of having even a relationship with the father. Knowing that they will be supported one way or the other, again by tax dollars, I know of three who plotted for months to have sex with men in order to all be pregnant at the same time.
And of men who father several babies with several different women, and support none of them.
And what of society as a whole, who remain generally silent, and accepting of all these babies being born deliberately into single family homes, and their mothers boo-hooing how tough it is to raise their children as 'single parents', when they chose to be single.
Sometimes it seems like a new social status, and just under the surface is a whole social structure being supported without a whimper.
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