Having Children Before You Are Ready

I’m going to keep this thread PG-13, so bare with me when I get creative with certain words.

I’ve been noticing a trend, especially in the Marriage and Relationship sections, that a lot of people are having children, but one of the two parents is neglecting parental duties for various reasons.

Here are some common cases:

1) The husband/boyfriend decides to cheat on his wife/girlfriend, so the trust is broken and it’s suggested that the man stay away from the family so that he does not alienate the family by setting such a bad example. Or vice versa.

2) The child was an accident and now the parents are stuck with a child, but were not ready in the first place. One of the two parents will neglect parental duties because of lack of maturity. This happens for both men and woman.

3) The couple believes that they are ready, but once they have a child, they realize that the other person is not who they thought they were. Clashes begin and someone gets kicked out of the house, leaving the child with only one parent.

4) A dangerous approach is when only one of the two people involved decides to have a baby. This traps the other person into a situation that he/she was not otherwise prepared for.

I wish I had a magic solution so that we could avoid every possible situation; however, that’s unrealistic. I do however want to list a few suggestions that maybe help prevent some of these occurences:

a) Before having an intimate relationship, make sure you are very comfortable with the person on an intellectual level. You can’t expect to get to know a person very well only after a few months. It takes time to get to know someone. It takes time to earn the person’s trust. It takes time to work on issues. But once those issues are ironed out, your relationship will be much stronger and you will be in a better position to take the next step in a relationship.

B) Relationships don’t need to be rushed. If you’re already committed to one another, then spend some time enjoying each other’s company and connecting an on intellectual level. Intimacy is a huge factor in the relationship, but when all is said and done, it’s not the most important factor. Think about it, how many relationships have ended because of arguments compared to have many relationships ended because of lack of the physical aspects?

C) Expecting other relatives to help you raise your child is also unacceptable. It's one thing to expect your relatives to help you babysit, but it's another thing to expect them to raise your child(ren). There are so many negative factors that can be contributed to this line of thinking.

i) By dodging responsibility, your child could grow up to resent his true parents. Being a parent is almost like playing God. You're bringing another human being into this world. You control your child's unbringing and it's very important that the child grows up in a caring and healthy environment.

Ii) It's transfering the burden onto someone else, which is not fair to that person (or those people, I.e. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). If you're so irresponsible, then you're not responsible enough to have a physical relationship in the first place.

Regardless of these factors, if you feel that you are responsible enough to have an intimate relationship with the possibility of having a child, accidental or not, then you should be responsible enough to raise the child.

D) If you’re in a relationship hoping to change the other person, or hoping that the other person will change with time, then you’re setting up yourself for disappointment. There’s always that possibility that the person will change. But there’s no guarantee. False hope has caused many to fall victim to a painful relationship. If you have so many concerns and issues about the other person, then you need to slow down the relationship and sort it out before you move forward. If you can’t sort it out, it’s time to end it, as tough as that sounds.

E) Regardless of how much protection is used, there is always a chance of an accident. So when you commit to an intimate relationship, you need to be prepared for all possibilities and not assume that the protection is enough.

F) Falling victim to a one-sided decision to have a baby can be toxic (as discussed in responses #6-9). This is a perfect example on why it is utterly important to get to know the other person well before commiting to a physical relationship. A forced pregnancy can quickly deteriorate a relationship.

G) I cannot emphasize this more, but getting to know the person at a higher mental level is extremely important. Getting engaged is a huge step and if you still have lingering doubts, it’s best to sort them out before you get engaged.

H) Finally, marriage. If you cannot pass any of the above mentioned steps, marriage should not even be a topic of discussion.

I) Financial stability is extremely important to raise a child (see response #5 by CFZD)

Hopefully the information provided here will help couples realize that having a highly physically romantic relationship is not a small step. Whether accidental or not, having a child is a HUGE COMMITMENT and CANNOT be treated lightly.

** The information provided may sound harsh and does not cover cases of rape (see Criminal Law), drugged (see Criminal Law), and drunken accidents (see Drinking Responsibly).