four step kids, and two of my own

brittanymommy08 · #1 Oct 24, 2009, 05:35 AM

Hey!
Just so everyone knows there is an age differnce between me and my boyfriend.
he's 29 and i'm 19.
I swear the kids were NEVER a problem before now. I love them to death, I used to go pick them up from school go get them during the week and now i can't take the stress of them?

I have four step kids, and a one year old and expecting any day now, my problem is I get so ill for no reason, I've tried to control it. is this just too much on me right now, i only have my step kids every other weekend, but when they are here it's just crazy I never had a problem before, i know they are kids, and are only being kids but for some reason it driving me crazy, i feel like my packing my things and leaving i get so stressed, half the time their daddy don't get on to them they could be screaming for no reason, he leaves and won't take any of them with him and then he may be gone for two hours when he leaves he like i'm only going to be gone 30 mintues, am i just thinking about me? My doctors are on my butt about me not relaxing, but I can't, my one year old evens gets to me at times, the kids ages are 8,5,4,3 and then i have a year old. if it not the kids it's everyone esle my mother says i'm hard to talk to right?
what can i do? I'm not trying to be this way.

I'm just so ill, and i can't help it. I feel like I'm being bad to the kids, I don't say anything to them, i try to play but i get mad, and they treat like little girl like she a baby doll,

I'm a bad mother aren't I?

s_cianci · Oct 24, 2009, 05:52 AM

No, you're not a bad mother. But your boyfriend needs to do his share and be a father, especially since your 4 step kids are his kids. Sure, you can love them and be as much as a mother to them as your own children. But holy cow, 4 + 2 = 6 kids! A family that large needs 2 full time parents, a mom and a dad. Time for your boyfriend to step up to the plate. If he won't, then it may be time for you to get out and take your 2 children with you. Another question ; is your current boyfriend the father of your 2 children? If not, then where is the father or fathers? Do they have a hand in raising your 2 children? That would take a lot of stress off you as well.

brittanymommy08 · Oct 24, 2009, 05:59 AM

well, I know this sounds bad, but my oldest one he not, her daddy walked away when she was three days old, and i may hear from him every four months, child support looking after him, her daddy really don't care, but that's okay I'm making it on my own, with out him. but this child is my boyfriend, he don't even act like he cares at times about me being pregnant. i know he loves his kids but does he know how to be a daddy, now with my oldest he a GREAT father, when he home and we don't have the other four, my oldest daughter does everything with him, he great to her, but when the others are here he don't want anything to do with any of them it seems, he plans so he has to work on the weekends we have the kids and it lefted for me, then he wonders why i'm ill and tired, his ex wife is my best friend and she said she sees it when her son comes home he like miss brittany did this for me and hear nothing about their daddy doing anything for them?

i love him and my child loves him, it only like this every other weekend.

redhed35 · Oct 24, 2009, 06:08 AM

you have had a stressful pregnancy,anyone in yours shoes would feel the pressure and stress.

you need make a plan for when the small ones are around.

are you ever heard of a mommoy helper?

these are 12 or 13 year olds who help out with the kids for a small amount of money,althought that depends on the child and her parents.

with an older child around to play with and entertain the small ones so you can just potter around the house or get some chores done.

dont forget..you have to stay in the house as well,she is there to help you,not babysit.

if you put up a notice in a shop or local paper,perhaps some one will answer.

get some bits and pieces in for when they come,you dont have to spend money,maybe a small amount on crayons and stickers.

your step kids have come to see their father,put your foot down and insist he spends time with them.

brittanymommy08 · Oct 24, 2009, 06:14 AM

i have, it only 9:13 am now and we done have a big fight, this morning, he lefted and i have all the kids, i wouldn't mind it, but i just get so ill. my mother comes and helps me with my one year old alot.

Cat1864 · Oct 24, 2009, 06:43 AM

First thing is to accept that you are normal. You've been through a lot with this pregnancy and it is wearing you down both physically and mentally. Right now you are so limited in what you can do that frustration is probably a big factor, too.

Hopefully, once Jr. is in your arms, a lot of the fear, hormones and physical issues will calm down and you can get back to a more stable base.

Don't beat yourself up about being sick. That only adds to the stress. Instead, sit down with your husband and calmly have a discussion with him about the number of children and that you need his help. If you feel like you can't be calm when you say what you need write it down and let him read it and then discuss the issues. You need to work together to calm the household down or it will just get worse when there is a new baby in the house. Trust him to help you and to be a father as well as a daddy.

Can you talk to your mother? I know there is, more than likely, a lot you have been holding in. Are you an only child? If not, then she probably has some good advice for dealing with more than one child. She probably is worried about you if she has noticed a change in your personality.

As for the four older children, with their father, make a list of house rules and consequences. Include being careful with the two youngest and that babies are not dolls. Then sit down with the children and let them know that when they are there you need for them to follow the rules to make their visits more fun and enjoyable. It is okay to be honest with them that there are changes already and more to come. It doesn't mean that you care less for them. You just have to show it in a different way than playing with them for awhile. Reading and puzzles are replacing physical play.

Once, everything else settles down, I think your interactions with B will improve again. Use her nap times as unwind time. Get your husband (or maybe your mother) to watch her for a little bit so you can distress. She's getting to the toddler stage so she is going to be testing her boundaries more and more. Don't let that get to you. Be firm and as consistent as you can be about what you expect from her.

Remember to give yourself some down time each day. Let the stress go as much as you can. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

brittanymommy08 · Oct 24, 2009, 07:29 AM

me and him stand differnt on the kids,
he hasn't always been there for them
is why he says he don't get on to them,
but is that fair to let them ruin our house
because he wasn't there in the past you
can't make up for lost time, but all i'm trying to do is make it where the kids can have fun but know what to do and not to do, but it starts a fight with me and him, he screams those are my kids and not yours, my mother comes twice a week to get my little girl =, and at night this reading is what i do for me time.

Jake2008 · Oct 24, 2009, 09:48 AM

I don't know why your husband thinks it's ok to schedule work on the days you are stuck with six children!!!

I'd be pulling my hair out, and losing my mind.

To say you must be resentful is an understatement.

Why are you and your boyfriend not communicating about this? Why is he not there when you need him the most?

I would suggest that the next time you are stuck with all those kids on 'his' weekend, give him advance notice that your mother has bought you a day at a spa, or a day out shopping or whatever. Book yourself OFF for a day. Go to your mom's and sleep if you want to, but get out of that house!!

Let him see just what it takes to get through a day alone with a mini daycare centre. If he can't learn to step up, and help out after that, then hire a helper to come in.

It is not a bad reflection on you whatsoever, to need help with all those kids. You are a good mother, but you are a sucker for putting up with this, and not demanding that he help out. Give him a list of chores and duties that he has to do.

Don't let HIM get away with this.

brittanymommy08 · Oct 24, 2009, 12:29 PM

I rather not fight in front of them,
well after a few post this morning,
i just kinda lefted with his mother
and we have been out and about,
so he has all of them he did well
my house isnt wreaked,

i just stressed is all, i love these kids
i want to be in their lives, i hate it when i miss
school functions, i just sometimes
need a little help,

he great when there's only one or two, but with all six its like he hides from it, trust me i know its alot i been doing it for a year now every other weekend,

but thank you for the advice,
we have talked and he going to
work on it, and the working thing it
about to be out the weekend on his
weekend with the kids,

and by the way, i know he wants to
see his kids, but sometimes they don't want
to come cause daddy not here,

Jake2008 · Oct 24, 2009, 12:34 PM

I''m very pleased you got a day out, away from the kids. Good for you!

I really hope he is going to try to help out more. Maybe if you let him know what you expect, he won't be so inclined to do his own thing.

Please take good care of yourself, physically. I realize you are young, and strong, but you have a tremendously hard life right now, and even more so when you cannot count on your husband to recognize this, and offer to help.

Speak up for yourself, and realize that you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration.

All the very best of luck to all of you.