i know its long and will be hard to read sometimes.. but please be patient... its important
maybe 'parenting' isnt the perfect category to be in, but its the closest i could find. it also has another use.. a lot of parents will read this and i could really do with a parents perspective.
ill start by telling you my story.

when i was born i wasnt what you would call a 'planned' birth, but less and less kids are these days. i lived with my mother and father - defacto relationship - until i was two, when my mother and i moved in with my grandparents. from here we moved into a house with my aunty, just me, mum and her. as far as i can remember.. my dad would pop over maybe once a week, sometimes once a month... im not really sure i was too young to remember, but i didnt get the impression i didnt have a father so i guess he was there at least some of the time. when i was seven it was again moving time, my mum and i moved into a house, just us this time. i remember dad would come over this time at least once a week, mum and dad would fight sometimes... they would yell, I hated my dad... i would tell my um this ever night when he came over and she tucked me in, i didnt want him around... i cant remember why. me and him never talked, i felt shy around him, i never knew what to say, we never had a very good relationship... i couldnt be myself. In year 7 or around then, i started to get strange dreams that i only recently realised was because of this fighting... the dreams werent 'dreams' really.. just built up emotion trying to escape i think.. i remember everything would be calm and my head with quiet whispering and sometime wimpering voices would talk to me, then all of a sudden there was screaming and loud noises and my face was cringing and i would start to run(in my dream) i could see anything, but i knew i was running, after a while i started to like the dreams and try to force myself to have them. but anyway, moving on with the story... dad was present in my life continuously until year 9, i was 12. he told me he was going to fiji to see someone, a few weeks later he showed me a picture of her, yes her, and said this is my friend that im visiting... later that year he went there and married her. my mum told me that he had never actually met her before. anyway, dad came home and the awkwardness enhanced ten fold. months went past and i found out from my grandma that his wife was only an immigrant trying to get into the country, and accused him of rape just to stay in the country at least until the court case was over. (it was absolute bull if you were wondering)
ever since then... i can count the number of times ive seen him on one hand. he doesnt call, he doesnt come over. i only see him if my grandma has an xmas thing and he happens to turn up.. at which point we say hi how are you then ignore eachother for the rest of the day.
i dont know if i even want him to call or come over... im not sure if i want him to care... i dont know if he secretly does or if he misses me or if he feels as bad as i do about the tyness of our relationship.
he plays guitar, and this year i started too, and i want him to be proud of me for that... but i dont think that he'd care.. and i know that if i told him he'd say "oh yeh, thats good". no seriously thats what he'd say...
my dad is a man of few words to say the least, he keeps to himself....
i dont know what to do now or where to start on my road to getting past it... all i know is that i cant keep feeling like this...
please help

morrigan

my father left when i was ten years old he left me and my younger sister with my mother .the run up to the separation was not easy on any of us especially when he moved his then girlfriend into the house with us!
he then proceeded to drag my mother through the divorce courts for joint custody and that was the last i heard from him until i was 27 when i received a phone call out of the blue from him telling me that my half brother had been killed while in Iraq
i had many reservations about meeting him again including would he be proud of me ashamed of me glad to finally see me the questions i had running through my mind were endless.
anyway we met got back into communication with each other and that is when it started to come apart.
i started to receive in excess of 5 phone calls a day from him for no reason, at first i was glad and then they started through my working hours and disrupting that part of my life
he only ever wanted to speak to me he had no time for my partner and my children which are obviously my life now. i tried to explain that i now came as a package not just me any more he wouldn't except that and we have not spoken since.
that was 3 years ago now and i have recently found out that he has terminal cancer, but i have to say that i am happy with the choices i made,im the one that has to live with them every day. i know that that sounds heartless.
iwas angry that he was making me decide between him and my family,to me that was the only alternative for me. okay so i do wonder what if, but this is the kind of man that i am talking about:
he had already been married 4 times (and has a new current wife)
he has 8 children in total all of whom he has given this kind of ultimatum to, and all have answered in the same way as i have. his current wife has a son but my father has successfully managed to drive a wedge between the two of them to the extent that mother and son no longer talk to each other

i must stress that this is worst case scenario, but i do honestly understand how you are feeling.
i am happy with my life and ALL the choices that i have had to make in it, and i realised that i didn't and still don't need the blessing (for want of a better word)of my father.at the end of the day he was never there and my mother always was and still is, through every milestone in my life.

ordinaryguy

From your description, I would say your father is a selfish, immature person. Your story (and yours too Morrigan) breaks my heart. It would be nice to be able to tell you that it doesn't matter, you shouldn't take it personally, he's just a selfish a$$hole, so ignore him and get on with your life. But I know it's not that simple, even if the part about who he is is the truth. There's no way a child can not take it personally when a parent doesn't care enough to be there and take an interest in them as they grow up. It's a void that will always be there in your psyche, but with help from people who do love and care for you, you can eventually learn to feel your own worth and become a whole, healthy person in spite of it. It may be best to look at it a disadvantage or a handicap that you have to overcome in your life. Nobody's life is perfect. Everybody has their own challenges and unfortunate circumstances to deal with, and this is yours. It's a big deal, but it can't truly warp and destroy you unless you let it, so don't let it. Be strong, and take charge of your own healing. Your father is a pathetic figure, more to be pitied than punished. Don't waste your vital energy on anger (at least not too much--some is inevitable and even healthy). Relate to him in whatever way works best, as long as it doesn't dominate your identity or sap your energy. If that means no relationship at all, don't feel the least bit guilty about it. And if you ever have children of your own, remember the lessons he taught you and don't repeat his mistakes. Bless you.

ciaobella

i am goin through a similar situation my dad moved to america when i was 2 only i didnt here from him until i was 16 its a very hard subject i know but i really think you need to tell your dad how you feel that way it is out in the open and not building up inside you

N0help4u

He is caught up in his own life and probably feels it doesn't make a difference one way or the other to you. He probably figures you had a decent upbringing and turned out to be a good kid and thats all that counts. Maybe you could bring it up to him somehow where you let him know you wish you had more of a father son relationship and you would like to know how he felt about that. Ask him if there is a way that you could be more a part of his life. Otherwise he is going to take it for granted that you have a 'normal' relationship from his perspective.
If you decide you do want to care:
Can you at least ask him if the two of you can get together for lunch sometime or go to hear a band, or play your guitars together or maybe even ask about getting together so he can teach you a little more of playing the guitar. Try and break the ice with him and see where it goes.

What many kids that do NOT care end up doing is become workaholics and become really successful. They figure my dad couldn't be proud of me so I will make him notice me by the great success I become in life.

Unfortunately many kids who feel a parent wasn't there for them when they were growing up end up using it to lead a dysfunctional life their self and/or end up as an addict. You seem like you have a really good head on your shoulders and have a lot going for you so I am sure you will make the right decisions in life with or without your father.

biggirlpanties

I have not spoken to my father for 25 years. I am now 49 and in a position to open up this relationship so I think we have a lot in common except that I'm a girl. I'd like to talk more but headed to the salon. Just one comment though. Families are so detailed and hard and difficult and on and on but maybe you and I should think about our good ones too. My good ones are so good that it brings tears to my eyes. Should we give a chance?
I wish someone would answer my post about kids. I need help there too!!!