I am very worried about my daughter [she is 12]. She is TOTALLY changed in almost every way. Her clothes [all black] if she has her way, her appearance...her activities..EVERYTHING!!! She has a cousin who is more like a friend than anything...always has been. He is 14..and also acting VERY different..or for a better understanding to all the readers, " EMO". Im not totally sure what all that means completely...but all I know is that it isnt a "phase" anymore and Im really to the point that im actually scared. I have tried to talk to the boys mother [who I am very close too]. She doesnt seem to either think it is a big deal..or she just isnt able to do anything about it herself. I love her son and her very much..but I dont want my daughter to hang out with him anymore..or even associate with him at this point. Im not trying to blame him for all of this..but he is a big influence on her as she is about the only "friend" that he has. He isnt popular at school..unless being the "weird kid" is what he's opting for..and Im positive that this all started because of his relationship/friendship with my daughter. I dont like the clothes..the hair in the eyes..the FILTHY bedroom...the laziness, grades slipping...OH!!! lol..and the OBSESSION with Anime...it is beyond just a "phase" now...and I feel as if she is or has changed into a totally different person. Before this..it was all "girly" things..pretty clothes...nice hair etc..now its all "goth"..or "emo"....PLEASE HELP...any and all advice would be so helpful. Thank you...I would also like to add that yes, I have talked to my child..of course...set rules, offered bribes..begged, screamed, yelled..Ive done it all..she is completely changed...and it is scaring me alot.

Clough

I have a little insight as to what you are going through as I have a close friend who's granddaughter was living with them, the grandparents. She is fourteen and also exhibited an abrupt change similar to what you are describing. Was very much "in grandma's face" in terms of being rebellious. And, hangs around people like herself who also appear to be radically changing.

I know that you have to live with your daughter and have to deal with whatever complaining she is going to do. But, you are the parent and in control as long as she remains in your home. I'm sure that you already know that. But, you have also tried to do things and would like some advise as to what more you can do.

There are any number of things that you could try: Spend as much time with her as you can - away from her friends. See what other things she is interested in and take her to events that have to do with those types of things that involve people around her own age - maybe she will meet and make some new friends that way. It's very difficult to control with whom she comes into contact at school. However, you do have lot's of control as to whom she sees after that. Not too late for girl scouts. Maybe her school counselor needs to be alerted a little more as to what is going on with her? How about a babysitter who is in high school who could serve as a good role model for her? What about writing the boy's mother a letter telling her of your concerns (Something a little more concrete than words she might hear. Also, gives her something to think about.) In it, voice your concerns and ask her if she has any solutions to your problems that you are voicing. If you are close as friends, she will want to help you.

I know that there are others who are members of this site who will be able to go beyond the advice that I am giving you. I hope that something I have said might be of help.

Clough

Just a site that I found that may be of use to you. I hope that it is.

Help me, doc, my kid likes emo at Pandagon

Matt3046

Go to CVS and but a drug test. Better safe than sorry. Emo?

grammadidi

Okay, first of all, who buys her clothes? She is only 12 years old, so I am thinking that you tell her that you don't have a problem with her expressing her individuality, but as long as she is underage you would like her to follow your rules as far as appearance goes. You also have a rule that she must earn community time, and to do so she must dress appropriately and keep her room clean. Also, spend more time doing family activities that you approve of, BUT allow her to invite someone to join in.

I believe that most kids who do this sort of thing are either seeking attention or feeling very insecure - probably both. Have you talked to her about her feelings about herself? Is she happy or sad? If there was something about her life that she xould change, what would it be? Does she ever get bullied or teased at school? If so, why does she think that is? I would probably try to empathize with her about any negative thoughts/feelings and suggest that it must be so difficult being a twelve year old now and does she think that having someone besides her parents to talk to would help. If you feel she needs one, get her a counselor.

The bottom line is, you want her to abide by your rules without pulling a lot of control on her. Having clear rules and clear consequences should help. You could allow her to dress the way she wants on Saturdays, or something like that so you don't seem totally controlling. I also like the idea of putting her in certain activities where she has to wear a uniform.

I also think you need to love her, hug her and listen to her as much as you can.

Good luck!

Didi

Hello_Brittany

Ok, i think you should let her be her self, but try to be apart of her life without trying to change her. Im 14, and alot of people call me "emo" or "punky" but i just look at them and tell them not to label me. Maybe you could tell her to not label her self, and find her own style, make up her own label! Like, i love to ware black, but i also like pinks and greens. I don't label myself or others, so you two shoudn't either. Encourage her to be herself, find her own style, dance to her own beat, you get the picture? I'm not the BEST advise giver...but i just wanted to try.

~*BRITTANY*~

templelane

She is just a kid being a kid- give her a break! What the others said about boundaries and spending time with her were all good advice for any teenager.

But don't freak out because I know loads of 'goths' and 'emos' who are medics, lawyers and other respected professions/ training to be. Yeah they've toned it down a bit form their teenage days I'd admit. But it's not a sign she's on a road to self destruction. Take heart at least it shows she's got the courage to be her own person and not just follow whatever is the most popular fad at school (although it is getting very popular over here- don't know about where you live)

So yeah, take the others advise but don't worry 'emos' are people too!

krittengirl

I would be much more concerned with the attitudes and behaviors than with the clothes and hair. Don't let the way she looks be the issue. It is not bad to look different. She may feel like she gets lost in the crowd when she wears "normal" clothes. Now if the clothes are skimpy or have inappropriate logos or pictures on them then that is different. My husband and I have specifically had a ministry to the kids whom others seem to find weird or scarry. Many times clothes are just what their way of expressing that they are an individual. Watch the behaviors. Watch for sudden changes in behavior and attitudes. Slipping grades need to be dealt with. They may indicate a serious problem, or may just be because school is getting harder. Work with your child to improve her grades. Let the clothes just be clothes. See past the clothes and focus your efforts on her.

frankiebob_mclarry

This is nothing to panic about. When I was younger I went through a little of an emo faze. I was very upset and lonely because we had just moved to a new town for the 6th time in the 4 years I had been in school. If she is trying to pull away from you, that is normal but take it from someone who knows, all she wants right now is for you to be understanding ad be her Mommy like you were when she was little. Oh and the definition of EMO is you are emotional, and in fact most hard core emo kids I now spend their days wrighting peotry. But just DO NOT be mad at her, or yell, it will just push her away and make her act lik eit more, and if she is in fact cutting, don't be angrey with her, she is just trying to let some of the emotions inside her out. Just sit her down and talk to her and tell her how much you love her.

Well Hope I Helped and Good Luck!!

supajessie5

listen to her music, music is the source of a teens attitude it defines who they are, in the case that her music talks about death and slitting wrists alot stop her from listening to that type of music or confiscate stereos