Hello, I hope you can help me. I have just become a father for the first time and feel I am loosing the plot. I am 39 years old and been married for 5 years. I never ever wanted children and my wife knew this. However I agreed to have a child because she was so desperate for a family.
I convinced myself everything would be OK and I felt that as soon as I saw my child i would love it so much I would kick myself for not giving in earlier.
The problem was the first time I saw her all I felt was resentment. I have tried to bond with her over the last 6 weeks but I feel nothing. In fact as soon as she cries its like someone flicks a switch inside me and I feel real anger towards her.
I know I would never hurt her and I do know I want to protect and provide but this hurts me to say this but I dont love her.
Its now becoming a problem with my wife. She adores the baby and i know she is torn between the two of us. We had such a wonderful life together before, now its all changed.
It scares me to think that my wife will start to loose respect for me if I cant be a good father but I dont see a way out.
I cant go through life pretending to be happy and I cant stop the anger from showing. I have never ran away from responsibility in my life and I wont run away from this but at the moment i dont see a way to be happy again.
All I want it to love my daughter the way others do and feel a bond but all I feel is total dissapointment in myself for not feeling anything.

DoulaLC

You are not alone in how you feel.....very much like postpartum depression, and many people don't realize that men can go through many of the same feelings associated with it.
Young babies are a lot of work. The first 6 weeks or so are mostly "maintenance"...you are putting things in them and cleaning things off of them with very little feed back. Their cries are designed to be annoying so that we have to respond to them to meet their needs in a responible amount of time. Some people can handle 15 minutes of it, some can only handle 3 minutes.

Not everyone is a baby person....some people find this stage very frustrating only to develop those feelings of love they expect to have at the moment of birth when the child becomes a toddler, or older....when they can do more, when they can respond to you, when there is more interaction.

These feelings of frustration, lack of deep love, etc., do not make you a bad parent.....acting on them would.

There may also be the issue of how much time a new baby actually takes....and this includes time you once spent with your wife. It is a tremendous adjustment that many people underestimate, and it can be felt differently by different people. Some breeze through it, others really struggle and find they feel guilty for not feeling how they think they should or for resenting the baby at times...sometimes much of the time...and these feelings can feed on themselves. It may not be so much a matter of not loving the baby, but not liking the intrusion and the upset to your once orderly and predictable life.

It does get better, things will start to become normal and routine again, the baby will become "more fun" as she gets older, and certainly as others have said, seek outside help if you feel you are having a real difficult time of it.

kp2171

i wanted my child and love him dearly, but i went through a stretch of depression about 3-4 months after he was born. stress. other issues. just took me broadside and i didnt see it coming.

i hated the idea of counseling, but i went. it helped. seriously. someone else to talk to really helped. i walked in the office hating the fact i was there. i walked out glad id gone.

i cant promise you anything. cant promise you youll grow to love your child or your life as a family. i can tell you the stresses get easier in time. it does get easier.

and i completely agree with doula... feeling resentment and anger and frustration is something you shouldnt be ashamed of. what you do with that energy is what is important. you have to believe you have control over yourself and your life, and that even when you are in circumstances you didnt desire, that you can be happy and content.

teezee

So what you don't love your baby. Who does love their baby at an age when all they do is cry and scream and make your sleepless nights a living hell? You cant force yourself to love something you really dont. So dont fight what you feel. Let things take its natural toll and as she gets older, you will most likely develop a natural love for the child, especially if you attempt to bond with that child where theyre at an age where they can communicate with you. The ONLY thing you can do now is to take objective responsibility for the creation you agreed to create and be patient. Maybe you can even find some time for you and your wife to take a vacation together and let grandma take care of the child for a little bit or something. It will help you guys get back on your feet. But just explain to your wife that you're having trouble coping with your feelings about the situation but that you have taken it upon yourself to remain patient and give it a chance in the long run. If you put it that way, she should understand. This is all I have to tell you because you can't just make a baby magically disappear. You already made the choice and she is here whether you think it's a mistake or not.

liz28

You're not the first person to ever feel this way - it's quite common and doesn't make you an unloving parent. Newborns have no ability to express emotions beyond just "I'm hungry" and "I'm tired". This is pretty different from other meaningful relationships you've had in your life, where the ability to express love is reciprocal.

This is also a case where you didn't select the person you are going to love, and of course there's no trade-backs. So, this is going to be a one-way street for a little while, and you kinda have to roll with it

It can be difficult having someone new in your life, someone who takes and takes and takes and doesn't really give anything back. It can be hard adjusting to a new mode of interracting, and maybe since you didnt want a child like you stated, its might seems overwhelming.

Things change a lot at 4-6 months, when she will start to smile for real (i.e., not just gas), respond to seeing you, etc. At that point I believe you'll start feeling more like a dad and find the experience much more rewarding.

There's a number you can call and can help you alot with referral, support groups, one-one counseling, because like mention above it can be ppd, 1800-944-4773.

Good Luck and hopefully you get help and start bonding with your daughter, because its so rewarding to be a father and it makes a difference in the future.

parent25

Hi Gooner, I can definitely relate to your feelings. I am now the mother of a 5mo old son. I was not ready either. I was not in love with his father and barely knew him. We had a conversation before the relationship became physical and I told him children were not for me right now. He agreed to be careful until i was able to get on birth control. I trusted him. He ended up removing the condoms w/o me knowing and poking holes. He wanted a child with me so badly. he was ready to be a father. he wanted a family so badly was all he could say. The night i caught him was too late. Two days later I found out I was pregnant. I was only 24! I am now a single mother and believe it or not this child that he wanted SO BADLY does not even know him. He does not care for the child at all. No child support nothing. So here I am alone, my boat was rocked..and I am now a mother?? Just last year I was living the high life.

So, I did not feel a connection to the child the entire time i was pregnant. When i gave birth it didnt change. nothing. I was angry. This was all forced upon me. I was robbed of my chance to have a child when i was ready and when i was with the man i would spend the rest of my life with. I was deceived. I was so angry. Still to this day I have those same feelings. Every time i would hear him cry i was so angry and felt hate..towards his absent father and towards him. I would put him in his room if i felt i could not handle it. I can remember one night i let him cry and cry because i was so angry. I did not care to console him. That hurt.

Things have gotten better though. I can honestly admit I did not start "liking the little guy" until this past month. I never hurt him physically of course and always made sure he was safe, fed, and taken care of...but I know how you mean about not being able to be there emotionally. While I did everything your supposed to do to take care of a child, i failed to give the love. You feel bad for not loving the child. Then i had my family mad and all over me for not loving the child or being overly loving. I never said anything bad about the baby to anyone..I took care of him so how could they see i didnt love him? They saw that that bond was not there and that hurt me too that others were able to see it. Did my child see it too?

He is such a happy baby and gets tons of love from all my family and maybe i felt that was enough..but he now gets it from me more and more. and the dad?? believe it or not..he is still absent.

So what does this all mean? Why? i still ask myself everyday. I hated when people would tell me "oh a child is a blessing from god" or "this was meant to happen"...right? ok why would god give a child to someone who was not ready. a girl not in love. an unwed mother? how could it possibly be meant to happen? all this made me so angry and carried over into the feelings i had toward my son. (believe it or not it even took me awhile to say "my son" when talking about him..i would always say "the baby" "that kid" but never "my child" "my son"..it still feels weird.

All i can do is provide love and support to my child despite the way it happened i guess. It still sucks though b/c i am a young girl strugging financially to provide for a child i knew i was not ready for.. and i am very hurt at the situation and how it happened..i realized that is why i was really angry and so as i slowly get over that i am able to love him more and more.. I am trying my hardest to do this as a single parent with a fulltime job and hopefully a fulltime student if i can manage the finances alone...I hope things get better for you and your daughter. I never thought i was going to start to love my child. It took 5mo after he was born. It is what it is. You have to deal with whats in front of you even if it was forced upon you. (i still get hurt when i repeat that to myself ..)Best of luck!!

Have you discussed your feelings with your wife?

DoulaLC

>>>>So what does this all mean? Why? i still ask myself everyday. I hated when people would tell me "oh a child is a blessing from god" or "this was meant to happen"...right? ok why would god give a child to someone who was not ready. a girl not in love. an unwed mother? how could it possibly be meant to happen?

Glad to hear you have started to enjoy your baby more....and that you have family around to help out. The anger and resentment at the situation is so understandable....and it makes it worse that there is nothing you can do to change what happened....only how you deal with things now. It sounds like you are well on your way to making good changes for both you and your baby.

As to how could things have been meant to happen?....perhaps it is what you are able to do now...with supporting others who are going through the same thing, dealing with the same sorts of feelings, letting them know it does get better....you never know whose life you may change in some small way by giving them hope and letting them know they are not alone in what they are experiencing.

melonie_21

All i can say is how can you all be supporting what this man is saying?? I am sorry but for one thing you do not bring a child into this world just to make someone happy it doesn't matter who it is, before bringing a baby into this world you should be ready to and happy about it. Why would you want your child growing up knowing that you dont love them. On your part that is the most awful thing you could have ever done to that child and your wife!! I hope soon she sees what kind of man she is married to. I am sorry to be so judgmental and mean but how can you bring a life into the world when you didn't even want to in the first place?? I just dont get it, I mean yah there are peope that dont plan on it and it just comes along but you did this knowing that you didnt' want a baby!!! WTH?? Another thing is I just dont understand how a dad can look into his babies eyes and not feel anything at all! Every dad i know and i know lots, has felt nothing but pure honest love as soon as they hold thier child.... how can you feel nothing? Makes me wonder what kind of person you really are. I pray to God that your wife sees this too and takes her baby and leaves. That baby doesn't need someone who feels nothing for he/she! You are a selfish a**hole!

smokedetector

melonie_21,

I'm sitting here wondering what kind of person you are.

It's not like he doesn't love his kid on purpose. He just hasn't connected yet. It's not a sin, and it's not something he can control, as I'm sure he would LOVE to love this baby. You are making the situation worse by suggesting that he is wrong and a horrible father for not feeling deep emotions for someone only a little while after they first met. Some people are more guarded emotionally and can't connect that quickly, even with new members of their own family. He loves his wife and decided to share this experience with her. I for one commend him on thinking about it before the pregnancy and deciding to change his life in this way for his wife (even though thinking things would be ok since his wife would be happy and he would love the baby when he saw her was not what actually happened, it is easy to think that something like that could take place), and also for being honest with himself after the birth, because he recognized a problem and sought help.

He might have made a mistake, but it was, arguably a logical one, and people have done WAY dumber things. He is allowed to be human. So instead of making him feel worse about a situation he already feels bad about, why not try and help him through his emotions and realize the best parts of this situation and build on them. Instead of tearing people down, try building them up for a change. We're all human and we all deserve help when we need it.

To the OP, any updates?

simoneaugie

I have two children that I chose to give birth to. I loved neither of (they were a pain and so annoying) them until they were talking. Now I know that as teens, there will be hate, on both sides. At least with my teen, that is the case. Grandmas and neighbors and other people I know helped reinforce that they were mine when they were infants, and now that one is a teen. I did not abuse them or ignore their needs, I simply felt no attachment or motherly love, at all.

I think the messages I internalized growing up helped this situation to evolve. My sister chose not to have kids. She dislikes children intensely. I realized that the messages I accepted were wrong when my oldest suggested a solution.

I told her that we needed to stop our game because Daddy would be home soon and dinner needed to be started. "Mommy," she tilted her little head to one side. "Daddy not here yet! Lets play!" Somehow her 3-year-old logic made perfect sense. She was human. She could reason, and she was my friend.

There are so many that say a parent could not, not love their children. Bull! Emotions mix togetner. Hate and annoyance are frequently fear masked as something else. The questions to ask yourself are about fear of inadequacy and the unknown future. You don't know what's going to happen. You don't know for sure if you will ever feel bonded to your child, if you are somehow defective.

Just let it be and be the best friend, husband and parent that you can be at this moment. We only have the present moment to make choices in.

ms williams

you probably have just created a huge problem. you knew yourself well enough to know children are not for you. your wife should have respected that or she should have never married you if having kids was what she needed. you may grow to love the child and you very well may not. in the long run living in a situation were you resent the child, the child feels the resentment and the possible tension with your wife over this does not sound like a good family enviroment for a child or you mental health.
i left similar situation when my daughter was 7 months old. i met another man months later that loved us both and that is who she considers her dad. we are no longer together but remain good friends and 19 yrs later that is still her dad and she is still his only little girl. they can be happy with out you. if you cannot find that loving fatherly feeling separating might be best for the child.