I am divorced, and I am engaged to be married. My fiance has a 6 year old daughter. I have a 5 year old daughter and a 6 year old son.

My children are and have been happily involved in various activities. My son is in baseball and football...my daughter is in her 3rd year of dance.

This year my son told me he would like to take tap dance as well, so I enrolled him. He loves it, even though he is in a beginner class with much younger little girls. His sister thinks it great that he goes with her, and of course she has shown interest in starting baseball next year. I have always encouraged them to explore different activities, because I know someday they will find their niche and tell me what they want, and don't want to do.

Last week my fiance's Ex wife called to say she is enrolling their daughter in Poms and Cheerleading and the class is on the night we usually have their daughter at our house.

So, this week we took her to her class, and my daughter discovered that 3 of her friends from school are in the class as well. Of course she was thrilled to see them, she loved the fact that they dance (her passion), and of course she loved the big sparkling poms. My daughter begged me to join the class, and her ss2be thought it was a great idea and even walked her over (with her arm around my daughter's waist) to the enrollment table. I think it made her feel cool and like a big sister to lead my daughter.

Both girls were excited about taking the class together, but when the EX found out...she was pi_ _ed! She said it was completely unacceptable and demanded that we not do it. She said she wants her daughter to have this all to herself. She insist that her daughter needs to have her own thing...just for her. She is actually threatning to pull her daughter out of the class or drive 30 minutes away to another location, if we don't drop out.

During her verbal blast of me on the phone, she stated, "any therapist will tell you that kids need seperate activities." Well, I have searched high and low and I can't find anything that directly relates to this issue....so I am asking for your feedback.

These kids love eachother, and I feel it would help to bond the girls if they share an interest/activity.

fredg

Hi,
The only thing that relates to this is that your ex is being very, very selfish; and, doesn't like you starting some fun type of activity for the child that she didn't think of herself!
Children have the most fun when sharing activities with friends. Stick to your guns, and let the child have fun. The only thing that can interfere with the child having fun in this activity with friends is your ex. Maybe she will keep her opinions and feelings to herself; but don't count on it.
Best of luck,
fredg

Chery

The lady (putting it mildly) is jealous of anything that has to do with you. She is also concerned of loosing her daughter when she spends time with you. That's her problem, but she can create more stress for all of you unless you put her in her place and reassure her that you are not taking her daughter away from her. You might need to talk her into a group session to relieve her of her fears. Maybe even inviting her over to see that the kids really get along well and that they want to be together might help, depending on how you get along with her, but reaching out and not making her feel 'left out' might help the situation. You all need to stress the point that being agressive will not help the kids at all. Good luck.

ranieri

What makes her think her daughter cant still do her own thing. Do not be bullied or pushed around by this ex. She is an ex for a reason.
I feel sorry for her child being used as a scapegoat to make you feel wrong. In the end it will hurt the children this pissy behaviour. It sounds more like she needs to get her own thing going and stop worrying you about what she isnt willing to take responsibility for, her own boring divorced life.
Does the child honestly feel this way? Does she feel as if she has siblings following wherever she goes copying her all the time? This can be talked about with the girl in a delicate way with out her feeling backed into a corner OR let it go and see how she behaves with them in the class if she starts to pull herself away from class, making excuses not to go then maybe.
At any rate, let ex be stupid you can only take care of whats on your end. Maybe daughter told her how really nice you are and caring. Im sure this was hard for ex that feels already left out of the situation. She wants to hate you and you are being nice to her daughter.
If this is important and what the daughter wants is a different class, then it will be. But you gotta stop letting her get to you peace ranieri

Chery

This is the part I keyed in on, so I apologize if I offended anyone. Children in seperated families are usually the victims, and this is what I wanted to stress - that you should not use them for any conflicts between you. I hope that this works out for all of you eventually so that your lives can carry on, and not just on this subject. I did read from you that you are willing to sit down together, that's great hearing a litle from both sides shows the whole picture as much as you let me see, so Good Luck to all of you for the kids' sake.

A QUOTE >>
Both girls were excited about taking the class together, but when the EX found out...she was pi_ _ed! She said it was completely unacceptable and demanded that we not do it. She said she wants her daughter to have this all to herself. She insist that her daughter needs to have her own thing...just for her. She is actually threatning to pull her daughter out of the class or drive 30 minutes away to another location, if we don't drop out.

Chery

I agree with rys old sis. This should be handled in a mature way without the kids and let the kids do what they like doing, even if it is together. And by all means don't show your dislikes in front of them. They are not doing anything wrong. Life is just starting for them, and they don't need this stress in the family unit as an example. I wish you all the best and hope it all works out in the end - for the adults - the kids seem to be doing fine, so let them keep on. Good Luck.

Chery

This will probably be the last time you hear from me on this forum.. but.

Do you remember when your parents tried to keep things from you because they thought you were too young? Do you remember how school mates tried to get you on their sides? Do you remember each and every time you were lied to by people you trusted unconditionally because they were your loved ones? Well, guess what, your children catch things like sponges and pick up on all the things going on around them, so this will stay with them forever. They file it away in their memory, but it will eventually come back. Kids are very impressionable and look for guidance from you 'grownups'. So the damage has already been done. What are you (ex, step - and especially the silent RT) going to do about this to prevent further damage? Try and leave them out of this particular argument from now on, because that's what it is - and it's public, like it or not. Get professional assistance to help you handle this and the future - as it sounds like it will not end at this subject, there is too much else involved that has to be cleared by you adults. Life is not kind to any of us sometimes, but we do have the ability to make choices. Berating phonecalls,emails, and more forums are not going to get deep enough to help you. Hoping you make the right choice, and sincerely whishing you all a better and content life, Chery

jabe

I think it's interesting that the mother was looking for her daughter to have some time doing an activity with her ex-husband and the new fiance found a way to make sure that won't happen. There are obvious issues here and its fascinating the hateful reply to a one sided comment by a new and obviously very controlling fiance. I love the fact that the fiance gave you all a very one sided situation with not all the facts and of course the mother gets SLAMMED!!!

Chery

I just have to say it, jabe, if you read all of the interaction, the ex-husand is not mentioned much or taking part in this at all - (or did I miss something?). Don't know if you are a man or woman, but this is the first issue you picked up on so it must have hit a soft-spot with you. Try and give people a chance and not be too critical, especially if you don't know them in person. Everyone has an opinion, it's what you do with it that counts. Welcome to this forum.

step2be

Jabe,

Sorry you were not able to see all the Ex's hateful replies, lies, and insinuations.

You only see my comments on the forum now, because the EX may have finally realized how insane she is acting...she erased all her post and her older daughter's post.

This thing just got too ugly, and post like yours only serve to exacerbate the problem.

Thank you for your feedback, but it is hard to make an informed response with only a partial picture of what has transpired.

I am erasing all my replies today, because this madness has to end.