My life is past falling apart. Here's the background. My husband was abusive and an addict and gambler when I was pregnant. I left him and became a single mom living at my parents house. Things were OK here, I went back to college to get my degree and worked F/t. I worked really early to get home in afternoon and went to school at night. My son went in daycare at 18 months and has since never been able to make friends, bullies other kids, and is crazy hyper.
I always defended my son to daycares and schools and refused meds. His dad moved to where my parents lived and worked his way back into our lives. When my son was four I finally decided that my husbaqnd and I could give it another go.
We moved out of state because it was too expensive where my family lives. The first year I stayed home with my son and he still continued to have behavior problems and calls all the time from his preschool (religious private school), In kindergarten when I attempted to go back to finish my degree, he got kicked out. We put him in public school, still all the usual problems, they wanted to put him in alternative school, I fought it. He is highly intelligent too, but not gifted (he was tested).
Around this time my husband started losing jobs all the time. Well needless to say he is addicted to oxycontin has wiped out our money and hasn't worked in a year. I had to put off school again which is sadly the only part of my life I like. I have an amazing gpa and was told I will have amazing job opportunities once I graduate.
Well my son is in 1st grade now and I personally have fallen apart. I am too depressed to do anything and have severe angry outbursts. I swear ugly horrible things at him and my husband. I tell them both to leave.
I hate that I hate parenting. I wanted children so bad. I hate to play with my son and he has no friends and when I try to help him make friends with playdates, the other mothers always treat me like dirt because how he acts. We have tried sports only to be embarrassed by his behavior and none of the other parents ever talk to us.
I can't give him to his father for the obvious reasons, but I am not able to be the mother he needs. If I gave him away my family would never forgive me.
I have considered suicide just to escape, than he can have a new mom. I want the best for him and it is not me.
I really need advice, I am at a loss.

You truly need to seek the advice of a professional. There are many boundaries here being crossed and you cannot do this on your own.

Have you been evaluated for depression?

You are not a horrible mom. Your just going through some tough times

Your son sounds a lot like my brother, and your husband sounds a lot like my uncle. You will get through this situation. You need to tell your husband that if he can't go to a professional about his addiction problem, then he needs to get out of your son's and your life. Also, you need to bring your son to be tested for adhd and get him on conserta or another similar medication as soon as possible. My brother is much better behaviourally now, it was just something he outgrew soon after first grade. There's hope. My uncle, however, died of an overdose. I would hate for your husband to experience this same fate. However, if you don't take action soon, it could be too late. I wish you all the best.

Thanks for your responses. I know I am depressed. I can barely muster the strength to shower everyday.
As far as helping my husband, he can't/won't be helped + I am wore out of trying.
It was nice to hear I am not a terrible mother, I feel so guilty for the mean things I have said to him. He is innocent in all this.

I am scared to get help, since there is a child in this situation won't the doctor call social services. I have let me son watch his parents go on a downward spiral, when I was supposed to protect him. I know I need help, but I am afraid.

You do need professional help immediately! Suicide is never a positive thing for any one. No one can be a better mom for your son than you. Antidepressant therapy & counseling should help you to greatly improve your tolerance of the chaos that surrounds you. Why would you refuse meds for him? The National Institute for Mental Health has PROVEN that the ONLY effective treatment for ADHD is medication. Why would you deprive you & your son of the very thing that would improve both of your lives?

Dear Foreverstudent:

The first thing I want to say to you is that you are an AMAZING, courageous and brave woman. You had the courage to leave a dangerous situation (while pregnant) and reboot your life. You went back to school, worked full time and cared for your son. That is something to not only be proud of but to remember whenever you feel incapable and beat down by difficulties.

No one can determine what is best for you and your son better than you can. And I believe you are perfectly capable of doing so. You are not a horrible mother, just a mother enduring horrible times. The simple fact that you feel guilt, remorse and concern for your son and how this situation is affecting him is proof perfect that you are a loving mom.

I have been, and to an extend still am in a similar situation. At the lowest point of my depression, my youngest was an infant, I was in danger of losing my job, and my finances were a shambles. I also experienced the angry outbursts and frustration you describe. At the urging of my employer, I saw a family counselor who referred me to a physician for depression. He prescribed antidepressants and explained that it would help me "clear up the fog" so that I could see things clearer and make better decisions. He was right.

It's the same principle as when they are preparing you for an airplane emergency. They tell you to put on your oxygen mask first before helping your child with his. Lack of oxygen immediately impairs your abilities, and you can't help your child or yourself with impaired abilities.

When you are depressed, things seem so hopeless and you have a hard time tapping into the right thoughts, much less solutions to your situation. Once I got on the antidepressants, I was able to find free counseling through a local church, see where I needed to make changes and made some difficult decisions to resolve some of my situations. (I changed jobs, realized I couldn't hang on to my house, moved to a smaller apt. got counseling for my children, etc.)

I can't begin to explain to you how confident I am that you can make it through this. And I really hope you already have.

I have no doubt you can fulfill all the dreams, goals, hopes and potential that you have.

Best wishes and God bless!

Hi. Having been in a similar situation I sought out psychological care for my son for his attention issues. Despite my situation at home with addicted/depressed husband, there were no calls to social services and nothing at all other than getting my son on the meds he truly needed. I went to the child psychiatrist alone then with my son. That was it. I informed him my husband had addiction issues so would not be attending. The doctor didn't seem affected. I had similar conversations with the professionals at my son's school. You are a great mom and have the right priorities. Your son is first. Please have him evaluated. For HIM. Treatment can turnaround his entire mood and social experiences. I have seen this first hand. Your son can be much happier and well adjusted with the right care. As for you I really think you also need to see a therapist, or at least consult with your regular doctor. You may need something yourself to help you stay calm and hopeful. Your son needs a happy mom. That example will help too. You are under crippling stress and also need help. It is more responsible to seek out help for yourself than try to tough it out. I have no doubt that once you get yourself and your son on a good routine you will go on to finish school and climb out of what seems like a deep hole right now. But you an do it. It's just a deep hole, and it has a top to climb to climb out. Good luck!

Vitamin D3 plays a CRITICAL role in preventing depression, and most Americans are very deficient in Vitamin D3. GO get tested. Don't just start taking the vitamin (really a hormone) without having yourself tested. But if you are deficient, the doc or clinic will write you a prescription, and take it, then start taking a daily supplement. In the summer, get out and get sun on your skin! There are many personality disorders, and my son has an anger disorder- (likely a hormonal imbalance, but largely undiagnosed r/t his mental handicap) and I live with his terrible angry outbursts daily. He's in his 30's now. I am his Mom and caregiver. I have lost many relationships because of this. However, I CHOOSE to care for him, as he would have NO quality of life if I did not. There isn't much there for him as it is. Seek professional help, but don't put too much hope into a great response from that. Most have no idea what its like, and many times, there are no real "Cures" only tons of suggestions. Still, if you can find even ONE effective coping mechanism, great. That is worth it. Remember, and say over and over to yourself, that it is not because of you that this is happening. You have just been given enormous challenges, and the goal is to make a lakeful of lemonade. Get some time for you, try daily to do this, but follow through on your responsibilities as a parent. Avoid the low ground by not reacting to your son's negative behavior. Its hard to do, but if you mess up and poke at his self-esteem, he will only get worse. Also, avoid blame on ether your son or your husband. If your husband is using negative behaviors and drugs to cope, you may be doing you and your son a service by separating from your spouse, and getting yourself in a protected situation. Above all, look in the mirror, tell yourself it could be worse, and SMILE where you can see yourself smile. It makes a difference in our brains, and actually helps lift your mood. Practice smiling even when you do NOT feel like it. It actually does release substances in our brains that are helpful to us mentally to do that. WHY do you not feel "the best for him is not you"? Are you acting out negatively and not admitting it? FIX whatever it is that you might need to fix about yourself, and think proactively about your family situation. Tell yourself you CAN be the Mother you want to become. Then, in addition to counselling for at least you and your son, (be VERY honest with your counselor!) get a Church you don't mind going to, and learn to enjoy doing that. Sometimes, when we have NOWHERE to turn, knowing that GOD is there and ready to help you, is all you have, and it is, incredibly, enough to make the difference in millions of lives, so why not yours, too? Whenever I go to church, it helps to remind me to be my best possible self, to increase my measure of patience, and unconditional love, and to decrease my feeling of resentment against my tormentors, since there is always Satan to blame for the negatives... Oddly enough, it seems to work. Use whatever works that is on high-ground morally. You will feel better overall about the situation. We can't choose our kids. We CAN choose our spouse. Our kids can't choose their personalities, but we CAN help them overcome their weaknesses that hurt them, by getting them the right kind of help, and by not stopping looking for that help, no matter if it seems there IS NONE. Keep on keeping on. You will eventually conquer those devilish problems if you keep chipping away at them. Never give up! WIN! Win by simply refusing to quit.

Please try al anon and get some counselling . You have your hands full and need to find the right kind of support for you and your son because the situations that you are dealing with your son and husband are very difficult and no one could handle that alone so get with people who are in the same situations and can offer help solutions and support!