My life is past falling apart. Here's the background. My husband was abusive and an addict and gambler when I was pregnant. I left him and became a single mom living at my parents house. Things were ok here, I went back to college to get my degree and worked F/t. I worked really early to get home in afternoon and went to school at night. My son went in daycare at 18 months and has since never been able to make friends, bullies other kids, and is crazy hyper.
I always defended my son to daycares and schools and refused meds. His dad moved to where my parents lived and worked his way back into our lives. When my son was four I finally decided that my husbaqnd and I could give it another go.
We moved out of state because it was too expensive where my family lives. The first year I stayed home with my son and he still continued to have behavior problems and calls all the time from his preschool (religious private school), In kindergarden when I attempted to go back to finish my degree, he got kicked out. We put him in public school, still all the usual problems, they wanted to put him in alternative school, I fought it. He is highly intelligent too, but not gifted (he was tested).
Around this time my husband started losing jobs all the time. Well needless to say he is addicted to oxycontin has wiped out our money and hasn't worked in a year. I had to put off school again which is sadly the only part of my life I like. I have an amazing gpa and was told I will have amazing job opportunities once I graduate.
Well my son is in 1st grade now and I personally have fallen apart. I am too depressed to do anything and have severe angry outbursts. I swear ugly horrible things at him and my husband. I tell them both to leave.
I hate that I hate parenting. I wanted children so bad. I hate to play with my son and he has no friends and when i try to help him make friends with playdates, the other mothers always treat me like dirt because how he acts. We have tried sports only to be embarrassed by his behavior and none of the other parents ever talk to us.
I can't give him to his father for the obvious reasons, but I am not able to be the mother he needs. If I gave him away my family would never forgive me.
I have considered suicide just to escape, than he can have a new mom. I want the best for him and it is not me.
I really need advice, i am at a loss.

J_9

You truly need to seek the advice of a professional. There are many boundaries here being crossed and you cannot do this on your own.

Have you been evaluated for depression?

zelda

you are not a horrible mom. your just going through some tough times

reallyconfused

your son sounds a lot like my brother, and your husband sounds a lot like my uncle. you will get through this situation. you need to tell your husband that if he can't go to a professional about his addiction problem, then he needs to get out of your son's and your life. also, you need to bring your son to be tested for adhd and get him on conserta or another similar medication as soon as possible. my brother is much better behaviourally now, it was just something he outgrew soon after first grade. there's hope. my uncle, however, died of an overdose. i would hate for your husband to experience this same fate. however, if you don't take action soon, it could be too late. i wish you all the best.

foreverstudent

Thanks for your responses. I know I am depressed. I can barely muster the strength to shower everyday.
As far as helping my husband, he can't/won't be helped + I am wore out of trying.
It was nice to hear I am not a terrible mother, I feel so guilty for the mean things I have said to him. He is innocent in all this.

I am scared to get help, since their is a child in this situation won't the doctor call social services. I have let me son watch his parents go on a downward spiral, when I was supposed to protect him. I know I need help, but I am afraid.

mosesgt

You do need professional help immediately! Suicide is never a positive thing for any one. No one can be a better mom for your son than you. Antidepressant therapy & counseling should help you to greatly improve your tolerance of the chaos that surrounds you. Why would you refuse meds for him? The National Institute for Mental Health has PROVEN that the ONLY effective treatment for ADHD is medication. Why would you deprive you & your son of the very thing that would improve both of your lives?

tajmah

Dear Foreverstudent:

The first thing I want to say to you is that you are an AMAZING, courageous and brave woman. You had the courage to leave a dangerous situation (while pregnant) and reboot your life. You went back to school, worked full time and cared for your son. That is something to not only be proud of but to remember whenever you feel incapable and beat down by difficulties.

No one can determine what is best for you and your son better than you can. And I believe you are perfectly capable of doing so. You are not a horrible mother, just a mother enduring horrible times. The simple fact that you feel guilt, remorse and concern for your son and how this situation is affecting him is proof perfect that you are a loving mom.

I have been, and to an extend still am in a similar situation. At the lowest point of my depression, my youngest was an infant, I was in danger of losing my job, and my finances were a shambles. I also experienced the angry outbursts and frustration you describe. At the urging of my employer, I saw a family counselor who referred me to a physician for depression. He prescribed antidepressants and explained that it would help me "clear up the fog" so that I could see things clearer and make better decisions. He was right.

Its the same principle as when they are preparing you for an airplane emergency. They tell you to put on your oxygen mask first before helping your child with his. Lack of oxygen immediately impairs your abilities, and you can't help your child or yourself with impaired abilities.

When you are depressed, things seem so hopeless and you have a hard time tapping into the right thoughts, much less solutions to your situation. Once I got on the antidepressants, I was able to find free counseling through a local church, see where I needed to make changes and made some difficult decisions to resolve some of my situations. (I changed jobs, realized I couldn't hang on to my house, moved to a smaller apt., got counseling for my children, etc.)

I can't begin to explain to you how confident I am that you can make it through this. And I really hope you already have.

I have no doubt you can fulfill all the dreams, goals, hopes and potential that you have.

Best wishes and God bless!