I have a 24 year old daughter that has moved in and out of our home numerous times. She was married for less than a year, and once again came home to live with us. She has Lyme Disease and goes through periods of time where it is hard for her to work. We don't have a lot of money, but we moved into a 3 bedroom apt. to make room for her, and we don't charge her rent. She is always welcome to our food and she contributes nothing to the utilites or household expenses. Lately she has become very angry with us because we don't give her money to pay for treatments for her Lyme Disease. We feel like we've gone beyond the call of duty already by giving her a free ride. She even bought herself a new car (something I don't have) causing herself more debt. She has a job and goes to college, so most of the time she is functional. I try to encourage her to continue her education and I've never pressured her for money, but somehow she is completely ungrateful. She is rude to me and her father and she says that we don't care about her because we won't pay for her treatments. I don't know what to do with her. I have other children in our home and I cannot afford to take on her medical bills. Am I being too hard on her expecting her to take responsibility for her own medical bills, or have I spoiled her rotten with a free ride?

ISneezeFunny

I am a 22-year old, so my view on this may be skewed, but I always believed it is the parents' duty to provide the necessities for the child (yes...at 24, the word "child" isn't used very much...but...hey, why not)

Food, shelter, and including medical bills, may fall under the category of "necessity."

Now that I've said that...here's my opinion on this. Now that she's 24, it's no longer your duty. HOWEVER, since you are her parent, I feel that this is one of those things you can't get "mad" over...but instead, try to talk to her about her spending habits. She has a job and no expenses, what the heck is she spending money on?

It seems harsh, but perhaps it's time to kick her out and let her be an "adult".

I suggest telling her to pay for room + board, and perhaps you can pay for her medical expenses.

AKaeTrue

I don't believe a parent should be obligated to pay anything for their adult children just because "they are the parent".
Thats ridiculous. If that was the case, then who's to say that child would ever leave the nest???

deed, you are going above and beyond and it sounds like you have been very generous and understanding.
I believe in the case of your daughter, you have given her so much that she expects everything from you all the time.

I would hold your ground and continue to let her pay her medical bills.
If you haven't already tried this, you can explain to her that if she doesn't
have money to pay for NEEDS like medical treatment, then she shouldn't have money to pay for her WANTS like a new car.
Tell her that the money being spent on a new car should be the money paying for her medical bills.
Hint by saying "this would be the mature and responsible way to handle your medical bills".
Perhaps if you encourage her in this way, she'll stop complaining about the medical bills.

Good luck

Fr_Chuck

you have spoiled her rotten giving her way too much of a free ride.
She is not grateful since she just expects more

bushg

Free ride, spoiled rotten...hold your ground.

hpy2luvdgs

I hate that we live in a "entitlement" culture. For some reason the last generation(or was it a couple of generations ago?) of our population (the senior citizens now) didn't seem to have this problem but they have raised children that do. I am 30 years old and have lived on my own since I was 17. I have managed to pay for my own home, car and medical treatments (I have severe asthma, and PCOS) while attending college. Was it easy? NO! But I had to stand on my own 2 feet and now that I am successfully married and parenting my own child, with a career that I love, I am grateful that I was forced to take on life challenges head on. I think parents that coddle their children will have robbed them of their chances of fully embracing life by making them dependent and completely unprepared for life as an adult out here in the real world where it can be absolutely beautiful or downright ugly. Sure it feels great to be the one to step in and save the day (like always letting her move back in rent and bill free) but really that is a selfish thing for you to do. You do it because it makes YOU feel good, but you don't give a second thought to how it effects her. She has now become a person that feels she is "entitled" to free room and board as well as free medical treatments and anything else she can get you to cough up. So YES your daughter is a spoiled brat. You can help change that by forcing her out of the nest and making her a self reliant adult. Set a date for her to move out and keep it. Suggest she get a job where medical benefits are offered to her (as we all know she no longer is eligible under your plan because she is too OLD, heck even the insurance company expects her to be paying her own way by now). And last but not least treat her as the adult that she is not the child she used to be.:

deedeeowens

Thanks for your replies everyone. The general consensis seems to be that she is spoiled and needs to take responsibility for herself. After I posted this I received several calls from family members. They told me that they received a letter from my daughter where she describes the numerous symptoms that she has to cope with, and asks for money to pay for a costly treatment that she heard about. I am so embarrassed! My husband talked about getting a second job to pay for her treatments so she would leave her grandparents (on limited income) and the rest of the family alone. I asked him not to do that. She has money for a new car, and she feels good enough to go out and have fun with her friends, but she goes begging for money to pay for her medical treatments. I'll be embarrassed by her, but I won't be manipulated. Fortunately our families have seen right through it and no one is giving her money. My husband and I are hard working people, and we never raised her to be like this. We only went out of our way to help her because she was ill and needed the extra help so she could stay in school. Now, with the way she is acting, I'm going to have to exercise some tough love. Thanks again for all the input. Dee Dee

Wondergirl

I'm glad to hear that, DeeDee. She was able to move out and marry, is well enough to go to college, work, shop for and buy a new car, so at least she could help out around the house--not only pick up her own stuff but do regular chores. As one or two others said, telling her the free ride is over might be the best idea. Give her notice and tell her you will help with finding a place, moving, and getting her settled, but she is on her own for rent and bills. She may even have to go into an inexpensive studio apartment or rent a room with kitchen privileges, but that's okay. If she could find a roommate, that might be a good idea.

Like Sneezy said, yes, she's your child but she has made the decision to grow up and be independent from you in all sorts of ways. So let her continue with that. (And I didn't mention the Lyme disease, but she has to learn how to manage that without manipulating people.)