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    cindylouky's Avatar
    cindylouky Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 2, 2011, 09:23 PM
    Daughters who won't talk to their mom
    My daughter won't speak to me,, got into real bad place in my life when she was young and abused her with very hard discipline,, apologized in depth several times, asked God's forgiveness, and find it very hard to forgive myself,{I am supposed to but hard} can't begin to fix things with my grown daughter cause she won't speak to me but twice a year for 30 minutes,, she holds on to her hatred of me and I know it affects her life a lot,, any suggestions ***?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #2

    Mar 2, 2011, 09:33 PM

    I'm glad you've come to this site and posted about your situation. We do things as young moms that we regret later once we know better or our lives have changed somehow.

    The first thing you need to do is forgive yourself for real. God has forgiven you, and you've tried to reconnect with your daughter.

    How far apart do you live? Have you ever spent some time talking with a counselor about all this?
    cocobong's Avatar
    cocobong Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Mar 12, 2011, 03:49 PM
    It will be OK god will help u apoligz to her tell her how much u mean to her
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #4

    Mar 12, 2011, 03:54 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by cocobong View Post
    it will be ok god will help u apoligz to her tell her how much u mean to her

    PLEASE stop using text speak. Not everyone here is Christian - not everyone here shares your beliefs.

    Please don't tell us what God will do.

    Wondergirl has already given great advice - this person has to forgive herself before she can move on.
    cindylouky's Avatar
    cindylouky Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Mar 15, 2011, 04:58 AM
    Have not spent time with counselor,can't afford that at all, we live far apart and I am to ill to travel, I might be close to forgiving myself and then pray some day she will reach out,, ty for all the answers and I hope to read more anytime///oh and I by the way I am a Christian,, ty
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #6

    Mar 15, 2011, 05:39 AM

    Oh, but you CAN afford a counselor. Have you tried? There are many counselors that get paid on a sliding scale fee according to your income.

    If you have a local university that has a psychology department you can get counseling there for next to nothing, or nothing at all.

    What have you done to apologize to her? How have you actually shown her that you are sorry for the way you treated her?

    You can't expect her to forgive you because you say you are praying for forgiveness. You actually HAVE to do something about it, like counseling. Actions speak louder than words.
    jenniepepsi's Avatar
    jenniepepsi Posts: 4,042, Reputation: 533
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    #7

    Mar 15, 2011, 09:02 AM

    I can give you some advice from your mothers point of view. My mother spent most of my childhood abusive, physically and emotionally. And now as an adult, she has tried several times to reconnect us.

    I am not sure why, I am still sifting through it all with my counselor, but I still cannot forgive my mother for the abuse she inflicted on me, and my own child later in life.

    I want to. I want to have the normal mother daughter relationship. But its not going to happen any time soon and I don't know why. It is going to take a long time and a lot of hard work, and a lot of pain.

    Good luck hon. And I can almost guarantee that she loves you. I love my mom. But its hard, and it will take time
    cindylouky's Avatar
    cindylouky Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Mar 15, 2011, 01:57 PM
    Comment on J_9's post
    I knew by putting this question out here, some would reply and hurt me, but that is OK,, I have no income at all , can't work, live near no university at all,, why does counseling mean so much? I think a good line of communication between us would start some sliver of healing,, have apologized in depth, treated her very well for long long time, left her alone when she requested, I don't expect her ever to forgive me,
    cindylouky's Avatar
    cindylouky Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Mar 15, 2011, 01:57 PM
    Comment on cocobong's post
    Ty so much for your very kind comment
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #10

    Mar 15, 2011, 02:14 PM

    Comment to J_9 by cindylouky
    I knew by putting this question out here, some would reply and hurt me, but that is ok,,,,I have no income at all , can't work, live near no university at all,,,,,why does counseling mean so much?


    Unless you are deep in the hills, there has to be a counselor somewhere near you -- even then, a minister/pastor/priest would be a good person to talk with (especially since forgiveness is central to this). And don't tell me finding a minister is not possible. My dad was a pastor to a congregation deep in the hills of NC and would travel for miles on rutted mountain roads full of weeds to visit people who needed him for spiritual and emotional help. And money? Nearly all counselors and preachers are willing to help however they can, on a sliding scale or by barter. Many's the time my dad brought home a basket of blackberries or a wooden crate with a chicken inside (Sunday dinner!) as his payment for the counseling he had done.

    I think a good line of communication between us would start some sliver of healing,,,,,have apologized in depth, treated her very well for long long time,,left her alone when she requested, I dont expect her ever to forgive me

    "A good line of communication" hasn't happened yet, but your getting counseling might be the first step toward it. She may have forgiven you, but forgiveness doesn't mean she has to be all huggy and kissy now and add you back into her life.

    Her forgiving you means she becomes free to move forward without all the anger flattening everything she tries to do in life. Sometimes forgiveness means staying away from the person you've forgiven.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #11

    Mar 16, 2011, 01:43 AM

    HARSHNESS WARNING

    I knew by putting this question out here, some would reply and hurt me, but that is OK,, I have no income at all , can't work, live near no university at all,, why does counseling mean so much? I think a good line of communication between us would start some sliver of healing,, have apologized in depth, treated her very well for long long time, left her alone when she requested, I don't expect her ever to forgive me,
    Oh, goodness gracious... how did that "hurt" you?

    Time to get off the pity pot.

    You abused your daughter and now you are sad because she wants very little to do with you. What do you expect? Do you expect her just to suddenly forget the years of abuse and open he heart to you as if you were always a loving mother? That's a fairy tale that's just not going to happen.

    If you want her to be a part of your life you are going to have to work for it. Working for it doesn't mean keeping the lines of commuication open, or praying. It means showing her that you are willing to change by getting counseling, whether it be a professional counselor, or a minister who comes to your home.

    My abusive grandparents died divorced and all alone because they refused to reach out and get the help they needed. They just expected everything to be peachy keen between them and my father and my aunt. Well, it doesn't work that way.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #12

    Oct 4, 2011, 03:26 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by cindylouky View Post
    why does counseling mean so much?
    Because it can help you deal with this issue. Bottom line is your daughter may never forgive. But a counselor can help you forgive yourself. Not excuse, but forgive. And that's the first step.

    A counselor can also review what steps you have taken and maybe give you pointers on what you can try. If you use a clergyperson as your counselor they might be able to serve as an intermediary.

    No one here wants to or has tried to hurt you. But what I'm seeing is someone so deep in remorse that you can't see the realities. It's a fact that many people who feel the type of remorse you do, become slaves to the pity. So much so is that they live for it. A self pity becomes insufficient so they seek others to pity them as well.

    But this site isn't about that. We want to help and I think we see that the way to help is to show you how to deal with your remorse. To stop the pitying. To get on with your life, with or without your daughter.

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