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tumeunv · Jul 26, 2011, 08:45 PM

My daughter is 10yo... my friends son is 3 and he stayed with us for a few days and went home today... my friend called me and said that her son had bruises on the tip of his penis like someone had pinched him... when she asked what happened to him he said that my daughter did it while he was getting dressed this morning... she asked him what did she do and she said that he took his finger and thumb and closed them together as if he were making a pinching motion... I asked my daughter about this.. and she denies any of it and I am very disturbed by this matter.. what do I do?? What if she is lying?

joypulv · Jul 26, 2011, 10:49 PM

A 3 year old is usually less likely to make something like that up than a 10 year old is to lie. I would take her to a child psychologist, who will be better able to sort out the truth.

It may be considered typical experimentation; I don't know. I don't know what that act might mean to a 10 year old girl. Your emotions might have been evident when you questioned her so she automatically lied, not because she is on a path to some disturbance. Try for her sake to stay calm and promise the other parent that you are having her talk to a professional. Hopefully it is just the sort of behavior that can happen normally without meaning much more than curiosity. I remember when babysitting a small boy, he was fascinated with skeletons, and finally blurted out, 'where's the penis bone?' She might have wondered about a bone too.

Jake2008 · Jul 27, 2011, 04:58 AM

Had to spread the rep Joy, but I agree.

Had this child just had a blank, I don't know sort of expression when asked about the bruise, that is one thing. That he knew what happened, and could verbalize it clearly, is quite another thing.

Regardless of what the mother of the young child decides to do, your daughter needs to tell the truth, and deal with it.

I would be more concerned with her behaviour because how do you know this was the first time this 'pinching' went on. How do you know that others have not been pinched as well.

If she were my child, I would not wait and act upon the information the young child's mother provides- i.e. visiting a doctor.

I would sit her down and tell her that you will find out the truth. You will start by speaking to father, and then the family doctor, and if necessary, seek other professional help, until you do find out the truth.

Maybe she just did a dumb thing and pinched him out of curiosity. If that was the case she knew it was wrong or she would have just came out and told you when you found out. But, she more likely than not did something, in my opinion, and you need to flush out the truth so that you are confident she can be trusted around young children, and/or get her straightened out.

I would not let her off the hook.

tumeunv · Jul 27, 2011, 06:23 AM

Thank you both for your advice. I will look into finding a dr. for her to go see. I couldn't sleep last night I even thought about paying for a polygraph test just to find out if it was true or not.

joypulv · Jul 27, 2011, 06:43 AM

I would say no polygraph.
How to deal with lying requires an understanding that ALL children do it at some point. They are testing boundaries and finding their power. You don't have to tiptoe, as Jake has made it clear, but you don't have to treat her like a criminal either. She needs the chance to be honest with her mother, and her mother needs to be in charge but remain calm. You can do that today, and meanwhile find the therapist. You may only need one visit. A lot of that is to appease the other family.

excon · Jul 27, 2011, 06:52 AM

Originally Posted by tumeunv

what if she is lying?

Hello t:

What if she isn't??

To me, it would take MORE than a 3 year old's testimony to convict my daughter...

excon

odinn7 · Jul 27, 2011, 07:36 AM

Let me just point something out that I have seen children do in different circumstances...

WHAT IF the mother of the boy noticed something and asked the boy and maybe he didn't answer her. She then might have followed this up with something else like, "did this happen?", "did it happen here?", "did it happen there?", "did so and so do it?"... you know what I mean? With a 3 year old, you can often convince them of something simply by the way you question them. The hard thing to deal with in that case is that the child then believes what he said even though it may not be entirely true. Without having been there to see the line of questioning and how it was done, how could you be completely sure that the boy is telling the truth and the girl is lying?

I am not saying that this is what happened but it COULD have happened. And if it did happen, I am not saying that the mother of the boy did it to be evil or anything like that, but that she was simply concerned and her line of questioning just was haphazard for lack of a better word.

I think the girl needs to be talked to calmly and questioned about this with level headed people talking to her.

excon · Jul 27, 2011, 07:48 AM

Hello again,

Out of greenies, Odinn7, but you're right on... Events such as you describe ACTUALLY happened, and people's lives were ruined... All, because they didn't know how to talk to children. Please read about the McMartin preschool trial..

excon

odinn7 · Jul 27, 2011, 07:48 AM

Also, just thought of this... bruises on the tip of his penis. That sounds odd to me by itself. I don't recall ever having a bruise there, especially from someone pinching it (yeah, yeah... never mind). Maybe he caught it in his zipper or something else and was embarrassed to admit it. Just something else to think about.

Wondergirl · Jul 27, 2011, 07:55 AM

I think the girl needs to be talked to calmly and questioned about this with level headed people talking to her.

And the more any non-professionals question these two children, the more confused the children's memories and stories will become. Ideas will be put into their heads, they will become defensive, and the truth will be lost.

***ADDED*** Back during the '90s, there was the "recovered memory therapy" scandal. Some therapists were able to "help" patients recall instances of childhood sexual abuse that may not actually have occurred.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recovered_memory_therapy

joypulv · Jul 27, 2011, 09:19 AM

For one thing, we are dealing with an upset parent of the boy, so that adds an element that might not apply inra-family.
For another thing, how many 3 year olds have zippers on their pants?
And I don't think he would make up a pinching story to cover up embarrassment. I don't think he would be embarrassed, and a pinching story is quite a leap of invention. True, mom could have invented the story, or he did have a zipper and mom leapt over the part about him being caught, because daughter helped him get unstuck.

I still think it needs calm firm quizzing from the girl's mother as Jake suggested, to show that she's the boss and mom's know and should be told the truth, and meanwhile call a therapist just in case.

ScottGem · Jul 27, 2011, 09:26 AM

One issue that hasn't been discussed is the reaction of the boy's mother. When she called was she upset, angry or was she a friend trying to tell you that you may have a problem?

In either case, you need to reassure the mother that you are taking this seriously and will try to get to the bottom of it.