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    emrose's Avatar
    emrose Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 10, 2012, 10:29 AM
    My dads girlfriend is ruining me and my dads relationship
    My parents have been divorced since I can remember; I was about 3 at the time. Mum dated a few times but now she has a boyfriend who I get along with. He has his boundaries and would never come between me and my mother's relationship. But my dad's girlfriend is another story. They have been together since I was about 6 or 7. Before she moved in, I didn't mind her because I didn't know her that well.

    About 4 years ago my dad bought a new house and his girlfriend moved in with us. At first it was okay, but as the years went on Its been getting worse and worse. My dad has changed so much because of her. He is now into expensive art, buying things, and having the best of the best. He used to be so down to earth. Its all changed because of her.

    The other thing is she NEVER pays for anything. Our bathroom is getting done up at the moment because our bathroom was pretty bad. But she's asking for all this new stuff for it that we don't need! AND now they are doing up dad and her bathroom when it is perfectly fine! All of this is around $90,000. Obviously is coming out of dad's pockets.

    When we are going to go out for dinner it's always "Robyn what do you want to do? What about here?" He never asks me what I want to do. And when she doesn't get her way she has a big hissy fit and is down buzz which makes dad change things for her wellbeing. She always says I want this I want that and she always goes against anything I say. My dad is completely on the whip and me and my brother hate it.

    We tell my mum absolutely everything and if she wasn't there for us I don't know what I would do. I live with mum half the time and dad half the time. But I am seriously considering living with my mum full time. Dad never shows affection for me anymore; we used to have a father-daughter relationship people would kill for but now its all about Robyn.

    Once at a hotel Robyn went to the bathroom and while she was there I told my dad I was cold. When Robyn came back she also said she was cold. So dad spooned her to warm her up. There was me on the other bed, my heart dropped. She also always stands in the middle of us, literally. We would be walking and she would walk in between us, or at a restaurant or couch or car she would sit in the middle. Its so obvious what she's trying to do.

    Everyone says talk to your dad about it but I'm not good at talking about things to him. And when we try to he denies it and insists that she is perfect. Can anybody help?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #2

    Jun 10, 2012, 10:38 AM
    I'm very concerned that you are tattle-tailing to your mom all sorts of stuff about your dad. That's not healthy for you or for her (or for your dad).

    Why aren't you able to live full-time with your mom? How old are you?
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #3

    Jun 11, 2012, 07:36 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by emrose View Post
    The other thing is she NEVER pays for anything. Our bathroom is getting done up at the moment because our bathroom was pretty bad. But shes asking for all this new stuff for it that we don't need! AND now they are doing up dad and her bathroom when it is perfectly fine! All of this is around $90,000. Obviously is coming out of dad's pockets.

    First, I'd stop carrying stories back and forth to your mother. Why do you live with your father?

    I'm a second wife, stepmother. It's not "our" bathroom. It's your father's. She's asking for stuff that "we" don't need? No, you think she's asking for stuff that you don't need.

    Unless you are contributing to the household - and I don't see that you are - I don't see where any of this is your concern.

    Unless it's jealousy on your part, of course. Were you happier when it was just you and your father and she wasn't in the picture?

    The brutal truth is some day you are going to go out on your own and your father will be left with whatever life he had before you went out on your own. That might include this woman. It might not.
    emcat90's Avatar
    emcat90 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Jun 18, 2012, 08:55 PM
    First of all, I tell my mum the truth Its not like Im exaggerating or making my father sound hopeless? Im telling someone how I feel and my relationship with my mum is strong so I will continue letting her know what's happening but thanks.

    Was I saying I want them to break up? No. I don't want my dad to be alone when Im out I was asking for some advice? And why do I live with my father I don't know he's my dad? So your saying to just leave our whole relationship right.

    And it is "our" bathroom actually it's the kids bathroom and it was a mess and Im glad it is being done up Im just saying it would be great if she contributed since she lives in the house.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #5

    Jun 18, 2012, 08:59 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by emcat90 View Post
    First of all, I tell my mum the truth Its not like Im exaggerating or making my father sound hopeless? Im telling someone how I feel and my relationship with my mum is strong so I will continue letting her know whats happening but thanks.

    Was I saying I want them to break up? No. I dont want my dad to be alone when Im out I was asking for some advice? And why do I live with my father I dunno hes my dad? So your saying to just leave our whole relationship right.

    And it is "our" bathroom actually its the kids bathroom and it was a mess and Im glad it is being done up Im just saying it would be great if she contributed since she lives in the house.
    I'm confused. Emrose asked the original question. How are you related to her?
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #6

    Jun 19, 2012, 06:17 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by emcat90 View Post
    First of all, I tell my mum the truth Its not like Im exaggerating or making my father sound hopeless? Im telling someone how I feel and my relationship with my mum is strong so I will continue letting her know whats happening but thanks.

    Was I saying I want them to break up? No. I dont want my dad to be alone when Im out I was asking for some advice? And why do I live with my father I dunno hes my dad? So your saying to just leave our whole relationship right.

    And it is "our" bathroom actually its the kids bathroom and it was a mess and Im glad it is being done up Im just saying it would be great if she contributed since she lives in the house.

    I never said you exaggerated - I said you carry stories, even truthful stories, from one parent to the other.

    You don't want your father to be alone when you're out but he should be with just you when you're not out?

    I'm sure you're aware that it's relatively unusual for a father to have custody of a daughter.

    I agree - the girlfriend should contribute. How much, by the way, are you contributing?

    EDIT: Could this be one person with two user names?
    zaccie's Avatar
    zaccie Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jun 30, 2012, 11:50 AM
    It sounds to me that your dad really loves this woman and that she makes him very happy. Isn't that a good thing? I feel for you in your situation but are you sure you are not a little jealous?

    It will get better, I promise. Trust me in like a few years, you won't care. When you are older and have your own boyfriend one day , your dad won't be such a priority to you. Im sure he loves you just as much as he loves her, just in a different way. You can't give your dad what he wants/needs (the romantic love and affection and sexual tenderness of a woman)

    It is completely undestandable that you feel this way. However, I was a little concerned when you mentioned that your dad was 'spooning' her because she was cold and how you felt left out because you were cold. Would you really wan your dad to spoon you? Lol Think about it!

    Wishing you the best x
    gracieda's Avatar
    gracieda Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jul 6, 2012, 11:35 AM
    Sounds like your dad is happy and the way he handles his relationship (household finances, being open to new interests such as art, etc) is not your business. I understand that you are hurt by the way your dad handles his relationship with YOU and that is a different matter. Stop focusing on the girlfriend. Focus on things like wanting to spend some time with your dad - but do not try to come between him and his girlfriend. It is not a competition - you are the child and the primary relationship a father has is with his life partner, not his child. That is what the bible teaches and it is what experts agree is the healthiest framework for a family. That doesn't mean you are out of the picture, but it means that you will have a different relationship with your dad than the one he has with his girlfriend and there is a boundary around their relationship that does not include you. I get that you need some attention from your dad and that is a legitimate conversation to have with him... but don't pit yourself against the girlfriend and don't get into matters that are none of your business such as finances.
    geebie's Avatar
    geebie Posts: 3, Reputation: 0
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    #9

    Jul 20, 2012, 04:41 PM
    Hello,
    I'm 15 and my dad does the same! His 'MISTRESS' is horrible she slammed open my door when I was crying to my dad because his family hate me for soereason and she just screamed in my face 'get her out of MY house' and what did he do he kicked me out on the street at like 10 at night... she came from having nothing to now living in a reall really good house with my dad, he always takes her side and has threatened me before! He's always saying your turning into a cult because of my religion which isn't true and has made my mums mum and dad very sick because of the stress his mum is giving them. When I was 13 I said its either her or me and he said her... he never sticks up for me when she yells at me and always says its my fault...

    Reading through the messages I am really surprised! Honestly people have no idea what you are going through, they seemt o be blaming you and turning it all around on you. All you want is some advise and obviously people arnt seeing that they are only seeing that you hate this lady which is understandable, I hate why dads girlfriend as well...

    I would say maybe speak to a councilor about this and see what she thinks as she is qualified for this type of stuff, or maybe one day just say hey dad can we go out for lunch and talk, like just you and him and if he doesn't understand then she has blinded him. Maybe you could even just stand up and say no, I don't want a new bathroom or no we don't need that, you sound like a beautiful girl and one day your dad will come around and see what she is doing and see what he is missing out on.

    I hope everything turns out in the end and I am so so sorry that you are going through this best of luck :D

    I don't know if you are a christian or not, but I am and this bible verse if what gets me through everyday, it lets me know that when I fall or get knocked down by my dad that he is their to pick me up and protect me. He will be their in the night to keep you warm when you are cold, he will never love anyone more than he loves you, you are his princess and he loves you unconditionally, he will never hhurt you, he will never make you cry, he will dry your tears and hold your heart in hhis hands when you are hurting.



    "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
    Psalm 34:18
    geebie's Avatar
    geebie Posts: 3, Reputation: 0
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    #10

    Jul 20, 2012, 04:46 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    First, I'd stop carrying stories back and forth to your mother. Why do you live with your father?

    I'm a second wife, stepmother. It's not "our" bathroom. It's your father's. She's asking for stuff that "we" don't need? No, you think she's asking for stuff that you don't need.

    Unless you are contributing to the household - and I don't see that you are - I don't see where any of this is your concern.

    Unless it's jealousy on your part, of course. Were you happier when it was just you and your father and she wasn't in the picture?

    The brutal truth is some day you are going to go out on your own and your father will be left with whatever life he had before you went out on your own. That might include this woman. It might not.


    I don't want to seem rude, but this is a very hurt young girl you are talk to and saying she is doing the wrong thing, and saying she is or sint doing things and truning this around on her is very inconsiderate. I am going through the exact situation and reading this myself was very hurtful so I can imagine how hurt this girl would have been when she read this comment. She asked for advice not for someone to tell her how she is doing the wrong thing.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #11

    Jul 20, 2012, 04:49 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by geebie View Post
    i dont want to seem rude, but this is a very hurt young girl you are talk to
    It seems that "this very hurt young girl" is mistakenly, out of jealousy, contributing to her own misery.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #12

    Jul 20, 2012, 05:00 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by geebie View Post
    hello,
    im 15 and my dad does the exact same! his 'MISTRESS' is horrible she slammed open my door when i was crying to my dad coz his family hate me for soereason and she just screamed in my face 'get her out of MY house' and what did he do he kicked me out on the street at like 10 at night....she came from having nothing to now living in a reall really good house with my dad, he always takes her side and has threatend me befor! hes always saying ur turning into a cult because of my religion which isnt true and has made my mums mum and dad very sick because of the stress his mum is giving them. when i was 13 i said its either her or me and he said her.....he never sticks up for me when she yells at me and always says its my fault...

    reading through the messages i am really surprised! honestly people have no idea what you are going through, they seemt o be blaming you and turning it all around on you. all you want is some advise and obviously people arnt seeing that they are only seeing that you hate this lady which is understandable, i hate y dads girlfriend aswell...

    i would say maybe speak to a councilor about this and see what she thinks as she is qualified for this type of stuff, or maybe one day just say hey dad can we go out for lunch and talk, like just you and him and if he doesnt understand then she has blinded him. maybe you could even just stand up and say no, i dont want a new bathroom or no we dont need that, you sound like a beautiful girl and one day your dad will come around and see what she is doing and see what he is missing out on.

    i hope everything turns out in the end and i am so so sorry that you are going through this best of luck :D

    i dont know if you are a christian or not, but i am and this bible verse if what gets me through everyday, it lets me know that when i fall or get knocked down by my dad that he is their to pick me up and protect me. he will be their in the night to keep you warm when you are cold, he will never love anyone more than he loves you, you are his princess and he loves you unconditionally, he will never hhurt you, he will never make you cry, he will dry your tears and hold your heart in hhis hands when you are hurting.

    "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
    Psalm 34:18
    Whether you are an adult or a teenager or a child religion has no place on this board. That's for the religion boards. Not everyone shares your beliefs so please don't post them here.

    After reading what you've posted I understand why his "mistress" (a word I'm not sure you understand) thinks you are part of a cult.

    I've known you for 5 minutes and I think you're part of a cult. It's also apparent that "Honor Thy Father ..." has no meaning to you. Do you pick your Bible verses?

    I don't know who you are talking to but "you people" is very inappropriate. Don't even attempt to try to guess the backgrounds of the people who post here.

    "We don't need a new bathroom"? Unless the person who asked the question is paying for the bathroom I don't see it's any of her business.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #13

    Jul 20, 2012, 05:05 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by geebie View Post
    i dont want to seem rude, but this is a very hurt young girl you are talk to and saying she is doing the wrong thing, and saying she is or sint doing things and truning this around on her is very inconsiderate. i am going through the exact situation and reading this myself was very hurtful so i can imagine how hurt this girl would have been when she read this comment. she asked for advice not for someone to tell her how she is doing the wrong thing.
    Well, you are being rude. You are going through the same situation - your parents have been divorced since you were 3; your mother has a boyfriend, your father's girlfriend never pays for anything in "your" house (obviously you must have paid for it or you'd have no say in financial matters), your father is into expensive art, your father is redoing the bathroom. That's just for starters.

    I read your answer. I don't mean to be rude but I don't think you have the same situation.

    Your father and hers are entitled to their own lives. You are entitled to your own life. Nice if they are entwined and everyone gets along but apparently that's not the case.

    Advice includes telling someone you don't agree with her thoughts/decisions. If you only want to hear from people who agree with you talk to your friends - or, in your case, your Church group (and I say that with respect, not with sarcasm. Find people who think and believe the same way you do and follow their advice.)
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #14

    Jul 20, 2012, 05:17 PM
    Oh for goodness sake. Princess... or plural, since there seem to be a lot of young girls dealing with this.

    Daddy owns the house, daddy makes the money, and if daddy wants to spend $90,000 on bathroom remodel because his girlfriend wants that, that's daddy's choice, not yours.

    When you have a home, a job, and make the decisions, then you can dictate how you live your life. You can't dictate how daddy lives his. He's an adult, you're a child, you have no say.

    Jealousy will get you no where. Tattling on your dad to your mom, well, if mom listens and validates your silliness then she's not a very good mom in my opinion. It's a childish thing to do, for both you and mom.

    If you want control over what happens in your life, grow up, become an adult, move out, get a job, get a home of your own, and then control your world. Until then, suck it up!

    That's the truth of the matter, and sadly, the truth often hurts.
    jbmll12345's Avatar
    jbmll12345 Posts: 1, Reputation: 0
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    #15

    Aug 3, 2012, 04:15 PM
    I completely sympathies to the poor child going through this, my dad always puts his girlfriend first and I almost feel unloved, I understand I can't be the only person he dedicates his life to but I should at least get some attention! Anyone telling you to grow up or suck it up is wrong! A mom is there to give advise and be there for you and if your moms doing that then good on her! My farther has been with a woman for two months and has already said she's moving in without considering mine and my six year old sisters thoughts, and does he even think to ask how we feel, no! And that's because he's a man, they don't care! You can't talk to your dad because he either won't listen or denies what's obviously the truth! Hang in there, and remember to stay close to your mom and friends, they'll get you through this ! Xx
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #16

    Aug 3, 2012, 04:25 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by jbmll12345 View Post
    my farther has been with a woman for two months and has already said shes moving in without considering mine and my six year old sisters thoughts, and does he even think to ask how we feel, no! and that's because hes a man, they don't care! you can't talk to your dad because he either wont listen or denies whats obviously the truth! hang in there, and remember to stay close to your mom and friends, they'll get you through this ! xx

    So your "farther" should have to ask for your permission to live his life? What is "obviously the truth?" That you contribute nothing to the household, are a child and think you can control your "farther"'s life?

    Men, in general, don't care - all men? You need a counsellor or therapist.

    Stay close to your mom? That's called pitting one parent against the other.

    You "complete sympathies"? What does that mean?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #17

    Aug 3, 2012, 05:19 PM
    The killer of sympathy from me is the story about telling your father that you were cold and he spooned his girlfriend and not you. A daughter who is lying on a hotel bed and has a sudden need to tell her father she is cold when his girlfriend is out of the room, instead of getting under the covers, has an agenda of misguided jealousy.
    I'm not discounting the fact that many children are yearning for love from both parents, ideally in one home but if not that, then in two homes. Many divorced couples bend over backwards to put their children first. But if they don't - count your blessings: you HAVE 2 parents, neither is homeless or even struggling, and you didn't even get left at home when they stayed at a hotel.
    geebie's Avatar
    geebie Posts: 3, Reputation: 0
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    #18

    Aug 5, 2012, 02:31 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by jbmll12345 View Post
    i completely sympathies to the poor child going through this, my dad always puts his girlfriend first and i almost feel unloved, i understand i can't be the only person he dedicates his life to but i should at least get some attention! anyone telling you to grow up or suck it up is wrong! a mom is there to give advise and be there for you and if your moms doing that then good on her! my farther has been with a woman for two months and has already said shes moving in without considering mine and my six year old sisters thoughts, and does he even think to ask how we feel, no! and that's because hes a man, they don't care! you can't talk to your dad because he either wont listen or denies whats obviously the truth! hang in there, and remember to stay close to your mom and friends, they'll get you through this ! xx

    Finally someone who understands and doesn't criticize us for what we feel!
    Thank you
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #19

    Aug 5, 2012, 02:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by geebie View Post
    honestly, you need to go away! all three of us ( with parent issues) are all hurting and you making smart remarks and mocking our spelling is disgusting, you are the one who needs to grow up!!!!

    And those of us who are parents and see this from the other side don't agree with you.

    Your "all men" comments are insulting to men, rude and totally unwarranted.

    Tell us about your situation - not how "all men" act.

    I'll leave the "grow up" comments to someone else.

    Allow me to quote my colleague, Alty (I'm sure she wouldn't mind):

    "Oh for goodness sake. Princess...or plural, since there seem to be a lot of young girls dealing with this.

    Daddy owns the house, daddy makes the money, and if daddy wants to spend $90,000 on bathroom remodel because his girlfriend wants that, that's daddy's choice, not yours.

    When you have a home, a job, and make the decisions, then you can dictate how you live your life. You can't dictate how daddy lives his. He's an adult, you're a child, you have no say.

    Jealousy will get you no where. Tattling on your dad to your mom, well, if mom listens and validates your silliness then she's not a very good mom in my opinion. It's a childish thing to do, for both you and mom.

    If you want control over what happens in your life, grow up, become an adult, move out, get a job, get a home of your own, and then control your world. Until then, suck it up!

    That's the truth of the matter, and sadly, the truth often hurts."

    I do give you this one - I should not have made a joke out of your spelling. I apologize for that. Find one of my errors and bring my attention to it.

    Please point my "smart remarks." You speak for three people? Are you one person with more than one user name?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #20

    Aug 5, 2012, 02:48 PM
    Sounds more like a spoiled little brat who has been primed by her mom to find out and tell all the details going on. And mom of course lets her know this is all wrong and bad, since of course mom is not getting a 90,000 bathroom.

    It is dads money, not the child's money or the mom's money, Dad does not have to justify spending his money, This has nothing to do with the child. It could have been dad always wanted to, but mom was too cheap to do it. Or they did not have the money earlier.

    I think this spoiled child does not appeciate what they have and needs to grow up

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