My son is 18, has Aspergers/a developmental delay disorder. Simply put he is chronologically 18, not emotionally. Do to my question, I felt it appropriate to give this information. He is in college, only child left in home with a mom and dad, our home has only a few rules: 1) No drug usage, 2) No alcohol until 21, 3) Don't drive our car high or drunk. If you "slip" phone home for a hassle free ride, no punishment, day after speeches from us. 4) 1:15 AM curfew, which we told him we will remove to "no curfew" as soon as he receives "c's" or better in all his classes, which he can do and he has tutors to help him if he needs extra help. 5) Clean your room and do your laundry once a week. We pay all his expenses, within reason we give him money when he asks, since this was part of the agreement we made, if he attends college = all his classes, since working and going to school would be too much for him.

As of today, he defies the above rules, including his near daily pot usage. We took away privileges, such as gave him an earlier curfew, he ignored, so we grounded him to the house for a weekend, he said he was going out anyway, and he did. He can no longer use our car, since he drives it high, which so far he has not ignored. We found a therapist several months ago, and the therapist has said, in front of our kid, grounding an 18 year old is inappropriate, he did not offer what we are to do instead. To date, anarchy and chaos prevails, our son is in charge. We don't dare ask him to do something, it is a battle we won't win, if he doesn't want to do it, he simply says no, and there we are, with egg on our face. Not to compare kids, our others were not perfect, just did not get into drugs, and this is new territory for us. It is my thought, if our 18-year old wants to live like free from parental authority, and we have none anyway, he should move out, live on his own. The problem is, none of his friends will take him in, and he has no job. It sounds horrible, but if this 18-year old missed a meal or two, got a little cold, he may come back home and think following the rules is not so bad compared to the alternative. Any input would be greatly appreciated, in spite of our paying a therapist he is obviously not giving us the degree of advice we need.

shygrneyzs

Can you place him in Job Corps? One of my friends and her husband did that to their son, who has the same developmental delay. He will not like the rules there either but maybe he will see things differently.

I would change therapists - yours obviously does not understand developmental delays. Just because an 18 yr old is 18, does not mean he can function at that level, especailly with Aspergers.

Does your son have any other diagnosis with Aspergers? Such as ODD, Depression, Bipolar, OCD, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder? A good Child and Family Psychiatrist would be able to help both your son and your family.

Fr_Chuck

Pot usage, and most likely other drug usage, is the issue, that makes him not care about any other rules.

We also had another rule in our house, use drugs you sleep on the street.
You throw any pot you find in his room out, and if he does it in the house, you change the locks the next day, no issue, no fuss.

Remember if for some reason they do a drug raid on your home, they can take it, if they really want to because there are drugs there.
He is not respecting you and what you have worked to do.

bellatwo

Shygrneyzs: Thank you for replying, it was extremely helpful and validating since we felt finding a new therapist was an appropriate immediate step. Our son does have co-morbid, concurrent diagnoses, such as anxiety, depression and his drug usage seems to be exacerbating his thought disorder. We are having our son re-evaluated at Johns Hopkins Psychiatry Department this coming week to make sure nothing else has developed, and our son is willing to go.

grammadidi

I'm not sure you will like what I have to say, but I do ask that you give it some thought before reacting. I want you to know that I am familiar with many forms of developmental delays, Asperger's and most mental health issues. I don't really think the therapist was far off - and here is why....

I think you did great with the rules, you just forgot to outline the consequences. I totally understand where you are at, especially knowing that he suffers from Aspergers, but it cannot be an excuse to break house rules or the law. With your son being 18, you will not get the support you are seeking from counsellors. As painful and difficult as it may be, there comes a time when you must let your son take responsibility for his own actions. My solutions may seem harsh or extreme, but I assure you that they are probably the best thing you can do for him and for your family.

I suggest an immediate family meeting where mom and dad are both supporting each other and agreeing on the following rules:

1. The no drugs rules stands. Consequences for infractions: If you find drugs in your home or if your son comes home and is under the influence of drugs you will report it to the police immediately. If there is a second offence, not only will the police be called, but the locks on the doors will be changed and son's belongings will be on front step.

2. No alcohol til age 21 rule stands. Consequences same as drugs UNLESS he can legally drink in the area where you live. If it is legal, then the consequence will be that locks will be changed and son's belongings will be on front step the next time he leaves the home.

3. No driving car if high or drunk rule stands. Without question if you feel he has done so, police will be called and car priveledges are immediately removed. If it happens again, not only will police be informed, but locks will be changed and son's belongings will be on front step.

4. 1:15 a.m. curfew stands as long as you are supporting your son unless he pre-arranges a different time within reason. If son chooses to break curfew then you will no longer support your son.

5. Keep room clean and do laundry rule stands. If room is not being kept clean then you will assume items not put away properly are items no longer wanted so you will bag it and donate to charity or discard. In addition, you will NOT do his laundry for him, and if it builds up it, too, will be bagged and donated to charity.

I realize that your son is delayed, but if he can attend college, get a driver's licence and somehow get money for drugs and/or alcohol then he is capable of keeping the rules or living with the consequences. One of the most difficult things we do as parents is give our children wings. The only other thing I can think of is to try to place your son in an independent living group home if they are available.

As disabled as your son may be, he IS capable of following rules, not breaking the law, and respecting his parents. Tough love is definitely in order, and it will likely get a lot worse before it gets better as he tests his limits.

I am not saying don't give him a second chance, but he may need some 'street' time before he realizes that your rules aren't really that bad when he you are paying all of his expenses. The only way you will take him back is when he agrees to abide by your rules and is clear that there will ONLY be one last chance.

By the way, you are obviously giving him too much for expenses if he can afford drugs and booze! That would be the first thing I would change. Why would you be giving him any cash if he can't even be bothered cleaning his room or doing his laundry anyhow?

Good luck, I know it will be a difficult process, but it's probably the right time for you all.

Hugs, Didi

bellatwo

We LOVED what you had to say, we appreciate you taking the time to speak frankly, you and the others that replied to our post placed early this evening, were divinely used. As tears are streaming down my face, I am writing to let you know, my husband and I received the support we needed at the right hour. It was a long night, our son did not come home by his 1:15 curfew, he did not answer his cell phone. This was the first time he did this. I waited on the couch, my husband ill with grief went to rest a bit. Our son strutted in at 5:10AM, with a what is your problem walk, attitude and words to that affect followed. It was obvious he was still high, but I would guess this time it was not pot, since I am used to how he acts (mellow) when under the influence of that. My husband and I, got our act together, presented a united front. We threw some of his clothes in a bag, threw them out of the house, and my husband at 63 physically shoved his 185 pound, 6'2" son out of his house. Last words were, "We love you. As long as you are doing drugs, you cannot live here." Doors are locked. Something died inside me, the despair is greater than I have ever known. My husband's tears say he is feeling the same. I came to see if there were any more replies to my post, and found yours, called my husband to come read.

I want to say, our son used pot on and off since he was 16, with divine intervention, he was always able to stop, months at a time. He has only begun using again within the past month, and when he is using, we always stop giving him money, since we know he will use it to make a drug purchase. The money for this evenings "fun" he admitted was because he sold his IPOD. He is obviously in serious trouble this time, but does not have the desire or intent to stop, receive help. Did we really do the right thing???

jhardegr

*big hug* I feel for you. Your son and my daughter (also 18) sound like they were cut from the same mold.

I won't go into all the issues with my daughter but suffice it to say that almost everything you said about your son could have been said about my daughter.

I can't tell you what you should do, but I can tell you what we did. I gave my daughter as much help and encouragement as I could. Offered to pay her expenses as long as she attended college and kept a "C" average OR worked full time in something with some career potential.

At the same time, I told her that I had a "zero tolerance" policy on drug use (including alcohol).

A few weeks later (after she had dropped out of community college but was, at least, still working) I found out that she had been buying drugs from a girl at work. She was still seventeen at the time but I told her that she should start looking for a place to live because she would need to move soon after her birthday.

I helped her find an apartment, bought her a washer and dryer as an "apartment warming" gift. Bought and installed a wireless router so she could have internet (we had given her a laptop after she successfully got her GED), and also helped her find and test drive a car, which I let her buy with her inheritance money (more on that later).

She did move out, but she immediately got tangled up with a woman older than I am who had no job and lived off of welfare and the kindness of others. She lost both of her jobs (or quit, I was never sure which) and I think she thought she would live off her inheritance (from her great grandparents; about $25K). She was wrong about that. I am the trustee and she won't see a dime of it until I am reasonably sure she won't use it to support her deadbeat friends or something equally ridiculous.

My wife and I tried to help her get set up with Quicken and on-line banking, but she wasn't really interested in learning to manage her money--not to mention invest it--and we finally gave up on that and now, of course, she spends almost as much on overdraft fees as anything else.

Eventually her mother--who lives in another state--convinced her to move in with her. Her mother had just separated from her second husband and filed for divorce. My daughter did move in with her but her mother almost immediately hooked up with (i.e. allowed him to move in with them) a guy who apparently smokes pot, abuses alcohol, and has threatened my daughter with physical violence, though he has apparently apologized for that and promised to "do better."

Nevertheless, my daughter did get a job, and as far as I know still has it after six months.

I think she still hangs out with some people who are bad influences on her and uses alcohol--if not any other drugs. She says she is bi-sexual and I already encouraged her to write and/or call her aunt (mother's sister) who is a lesbian, but seems to be a good and responsible person though she is ostracized by most of her relatives who are all very conservative, Christians. I myself am agnostic. My daughter did write to her aunt and now apparently idolizes her. Hopefully her aunt will be a good influence on her.

They, by the way, have also blamed many of my daughter's problems on my "lack of faith", but I find it interesting that my daughter's life patterns so far seem more similar to her mother's than to mine. Only time will ultimately tell I guess.

My daughter and her mother are similar in many ways good and bad. I think they can be bad influences on each other in some ways (for instance, they are both extremely impulsive) but I also hope that they might be able to "be there" for each other and "grow up" together. I still hold out some hope for that. It can't be worse than living with the sort of people my daughter inevitably gravitates toward--can it?

In any case, I have made it clear to my daughter that she is welcome to visit but not to live with me and that if she gets into legal trouble not to even bother calling me to bail her out. I try to emphasize that I love her and I will help her in all the ways that a father should be expected to help his daughter (help her fix/maintain her car, help fix/maintain her computer, take her out to lunch/dinner once in awhile, buy her things like "housewarming" gifts, help her with her taxes, offer her advice when/if she wants it, and always be willing to listen when she needs someone to talk to, etc.)

Her younger brother is now a senior in High School. He's not perfect but he's a good kid and very trustworthy. He gets decent grades and was just accepted into the college of his choice. Like you, I try not to compare kids but I think it's important to let it be known that, while I'm by no means a perfect father, my daughter's problems can't all be blamed on me or even on my daughter's mother (my ex-wife) or her relatives.

Maybe it's genetics but, even if it is, she won't learn to take care of herself by being taken care of and insulated from reality. Also, her continual disregard for rules, laws, and responsibility was placing a huge strain on me, my wife, and my son and now things are at least much improved in our daily life.

I hold on to the hope that once she has had to deal with life for awhile on it's terms, she will begin to have a greater appreciation for the things she's always taken for granted. I don't care what she does with her life as long as it's honest and she's happy. I hope that some day she will take advantage of her inheritance money to go back to school or put down a down payment on a house, or at least buy a car and then try to save up enough to buy the next one without having to get a loan. In the meantime, it will sit right where it is, earning interest.

If the worst should happen, she kills herself (or someone else), or gets put in jail, or something like that, I will feel very bad for her and very sad, but I have already made my peace with the fact that I have done my best with her and that I am not God. I can't make her be a good person. I can't change the fact that life can be harsh and that unwillingness (or even inability) to follow certain rules will inevitably result in pain.

At this point, there isn't a lot I can do since I have already tried everything I (or numerous psychologists, therapists, and psychiatrists) could think of to help her. I also have responsibilities to my son, my wife, and yes, to my self. I won't sink the whole ship in a vain effort to save one drowning passenger who can't--or won't--learn to swim.

I don't know if any of this help you, but at least you will know you aren't alone.

Best wishes....

--John

Fr_Chuck

I have been there, ( honestly) and it can get worst before it gets better, but he is a adult now, not a child, I know we always think of them as our children, and he has to decide what he is going to do.

He will go down further for a bit, untill he hits bottom enough to decide he wants to change.

Wait for that time, not the I am sorry ( but really sorry he finally is paying for his action) but really ready to change, and then help him, don't support him, but help him do something,

Does it always work, no, nothing is 100 percent, but the party life style grows old fast when you are in it 24/7

J_9

Let me say I am truly sorry for what you are giong through right now. Having to do this to our own child causes terrible pain, however, having to do this to a child who suffers from Asperger's is even worse.

You need to stand firm with what you did this morning.

Now, if indeed you do let him back in the home you need to follow the guidelines that Grammadidi set up. I will add one thing to that though.

Not only discuss these guidelines with him, but you must make a poster or two or three with the rules and the consequences laid out in plain sight and color coded. People with AS have a hard time remembering rules and consequences. With these posted throughout the house, and you reminding him of the rules and consequences when he goes out will help keep him focused. Another thing a friend of mine does is she has printed the rules and consequences on a note card and it is in her son's wallet. When he is going to make a decision he has to take the note card out and read it first.

The latter may not be applicable to your son since he is 18 and not 13 (as my friend's son is) but just having it in his wallet is a deterrant if he indeed does see it.

Just remember that AS is a very different form of Autism and that these children are looked at more as if they have personality disorder or defiant disorder, when that is not the case with AS.

Please remain strong in your convictions and follow what Grammadidi said.

grammadidi

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this right now. Huge hugs for you both. It is difficult enough to let go when our children reach maturity, even when we are confident they will make it. It is so much more difficult when they face such difficult challenges. Your son may or may not make it, but I truly believe in my heart that you have done what you must do - both for your son and for each other. Stay strong and make him prove his worth.

I do want to add that there comes a time in every parent's life that they realize they must respect and take care of themselves before they can be loved and respected by their children. I believe you are beginning a new chapter in your lives, and the most important thing is that you have each other. The stress of living with this kind of a situation can cause havoc to your health. Stress can create or worsen an illness. I know that my situation with our adopted daughter created incredible stress which played a definite role in my husband's and my health. Sadly, my husband died when he was only 52. I will be 53 in May and I almost didn't make it past 52 as well. However, I made similar choices and my health is gradually improving. There are still stresses, and sometimes these seem insurmountable - especially doing it alone. However, I see the growth in my daughter and the strength in me. Believe me - it IS worth it. At least you still have each other to support you through the rough times.

The message of love that you gave your son as you closed the door was far more than just words. You shouted "I LOVE YOU!" in capital letters for the world to see, and I am sure that one day he will understand what a deep love you do have for him in order to set the limits that you have set. Hopefully that realization will come sooner than later.

Did you do the right thing? Only you can answer that. Obviously it is my opinion that you did. Of course you could still lose him forever, and hopefully that won't happen, but at least you won't lose each other at the same time. Your other children need you too. Doing the 'right' thing may not have the effects you hope it will have, but at least you need not feel guilt. Keeping him home and filling your home with stress and sadness wasn't working for any of you. It is difficult to let go of your baby as they are learning to take their first steps. Sometimes they fall and hurt themselves. Does that mean you did the wrong thing? I think not!

I also want to say that I am sorry I assumed your son's drug habit was being fed by your actions. I used to be an Addiction Counsellor and I know better. A drug addict or alcoholic will do anything to get their 'fix'. It really sounds like you have done everything you could do.

I want to add that if you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me. If you click on my name at the left there is a link to do so privately. I would love to offer support when needed, not to mention that I would love to hear how things are going from time to time.

You will be okay... have faith that your son will be too.

Again, HUGE hugs for you both....

Didi

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