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-   -   My adult son won't speak to me/us. (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=178784)

  • Jan 31, 2008, 12:20 AM
    DearAddaline
    My adult son won't speak to me/us.
    35 years ago I was a single mother with 3 kids. It was hard. Their father was an abusive drunk. I divorced the drunk and married a man who I thought would help me raise my kids. He did so financially, but was an overbearing and demanding stepfather. The kids rebelled and eventually left home as soon as they were able. I was always very close to my only son who was an artist (like me), very sensitive and valued relationships more than anything. Three years ago (he was 41) he stopped talking to me... he initially said it was because I voted for George Bush (I had a traditional belief that it was Not a good idea to change presidents in the middle of a war). But he also stopped speaking to everyone in my circle of family/friends - his sisters, uncles, friends, step-siblings - even if they were radical left wing democrats (much of my family and friends are!). He's a school teacher but always had a unique (artistic?) way of looking at the world. Here's the bazaar part... the only person he speaks to is his biological father who abandoned him as a youth and who he's been trying to connect with all his life (drunk or sober)... (father hunger?) But that doesn't explain why he won't speak to ME. I've called, emailed and even went to his workplace with one of my daughters. He was friendly enough, and sounded happy, successful (but distant) but I have no clue why he won't speak to me. I've pleaded with him to talk to me... tell me if I did something wrong... hurt him in some way?. and he just is clammed up. I'm afraid if I push too hard he'll change his email address. He never answers the phone when I call. Before all this happened he was a loving and attentive son. I always encouraged him to be honest with others as well as himself. Everyone adored him. He was the favorite son, the favorite uncle, the favorite everything. He's now broken about 20 hearts of those of us who were close to him and who loved him deeply. Was he brainwashed? Mid life crisis? Should I beat down his door? He won't give me any closure on this. He won't give me a reason. He just doesn't want a relationship with anyone who was in his life. He was great until he turned 41, 3 years ago. We're all heartbroken. Live and Let Live? If it were only me, I would try to understand what I did wrong... but it's EVERYBODY in my life. What should I do? It would be easier (not preferable) for me if he died... awful as it sounds... at least I would know why our relationship ended. His stepfather (who supported him for 25 years) now has altzeimer's disease. I emailed my son about it - thinking he'd want to break the ice and "come home." But he did nothing. I'm ashamed of my son... he's inhuman anymore. Please give me some suggestions... I'll try anything at this point. It's just not normal for someone to change their personality so drastically overnight. I'll never get over this. I'm shattered beyond belief.

    I have several friends who have adult children who stopped talking to them for various reasons (and they were loving, conscientious parents)... what's going on?? What should I do? I miss my son.
  • Jan 31, 2008, 12:57 AM
    pasiria
    "children who stopped talking to them for various reasons (and they were loving, conscientious parents) "... this phrase... what you define as loving, my parents defined themselves as loving, took care of my needs, worked very hard for me to go to school and get an education, they think they raised us with good standards. I hardly talk to my mom, and it's not because I want to, it's because I have to, in oder to keep in touch. But, you might think you gave them all the love, but maybe he doesn't think so. Somewhre down the line something went wrong. He is just too afraid of maybe hurting your feelings or confronting his very overbearing and demanding father. In my case, I had to put up with a very violent father and I feel remorse because my mother never defended us. You build this feeling over the years and there comes a time in your life where you rahter be alone. Maybe, this is the case with your son. I'm sorry to hear you're in pain. At least you have tried so much to get close to him, some parents don't. If he doen't want to open up, there is nothing you can do. He will open up when he is ready.
  • Feb 7, 2008, 06:03 AM
    CeilingFanLightTrouble
    I personally think you have to consider the personality of the adult child. For instance, my parents made mistakes when my brother and I were growing up. My brother hasn't spoken to my father in years. My family and I are going on a cruise with my dad this summer. We had several of the same experiences with my father. In fact, I could easily argue that I had it much worse because I lived with my father and stepmother and my brother never did. But I have a more forgiving personality. My brother is a creative, sensitive soul with a genius IQ. He just refuses to let go. He think he has moved on by cutting our father out of his life. But in actuality, I know he thinks about the past and my father every single day. You can't appreciate someone for who they are when you are wrapped around the past. And what many adult children fail to ever learn is that parents are people first, and make mistakes. And these adult children will also make mistakes. Perhaps it's because I'm more sensitive to that fact since I now have my own children and my brother doesn't. But he continues to hang on to the perception of how parents should be and how ours failed him.

    Likewise, my husband has 3 daughters from a previous relationship who never lived with him and I. They didn't live near us and he saw them for holidays, summers and other visits. He took them all over the place for entertainment, amusement parks, concerts, etc. He did the best he could as a non-custodial parent, never missed a child support payment and paid for all 3 to go to college (or at least make an attempt).

    His middle child will not speak to him. She stopped speaking to him after he stopped paying for her college... after 4 failed semesters and a 1.67 GPA. She won't have a conversation about why she's upset with him. She does tell her sisters, who funnel stories back to my husband. So, she gets to stew on her exaggerated beliefs while never listening to anyone else's side.

    The commonality here is, both she and my brother have "victim" mentalities. They don't want to hear the other side. They don't want to let go of their feelings. I don't know what they are getting from hanging on to them.

    Now, I do understand how some people cut other people out of their lives because they were horribly abusive, and they have to cut the strings to have any normalcy in their lives. However, yours doesn't seem to be the case.

    I'll tell you this, the more my father chases my brother, the more my brother rejects him. Likewise, the more my husband chases his daughter, the more she rejects him.

    I think you (and my husband and father) will find peace if you can learn to let go of the strings that bind, look for peace in your life without your adult children, and just hope someday they come back around. By chasing them, you help keep them in the mode of thinking you're the enemy. Each time you make contact, it gives your son another opportunity to reject you. If you stop, they get the chance to reevaluate their decision and think about whether they made the right choice.
  • Feb 7, 2008, 06:30 AM
    CeilingFanLightTrouble
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by pasiria
    "I had to put up with a very violent father and I feel remorse because my mother never defended us. You build this feeling over the years and there comes a time in your life where you rahter be alone.

    At least you do speak to your mother occasionally. I think when a person makes a decision not to speak to the other person at all, it creates even more drama for both parties. Only you know the answers for yourself. But if you do find yourself dwelling on the past, perhaps some counseling could help. Dwelling on the past hurts the present and the future. Best to resolve it, deal with it, take action, or get counseling, so that you can move on and let go.

    I will say this, when I was in my early 20's, I had some horrible residual feelings towards my father and stepmother. She was very abusive and he allowed it. I knew they were horrid parents and resented them. And it ate me up inside. I'm 40 now, and it took me years to develop a relationship with them that is acceptable to me, and that included not speaking to them for a few years at a time. But I have boundaries, and that's something you can have as an adult. So, if you set your boundaries, you may have a much better chance at having a relationship with your mother.

    In my case, I limit the amount of time we visit at my father's house. My stepmother treats that as her turf and anytime she acts up, it's usually on her turf. I will leave, and she knows it, if she yells. Likewise, when she's at my house, neither my husband nor I will tolerate her mouth. If she gets out of line, they both have to leave. I'm not a child, nor do I need to rely on my father to control his wife. So, now that she knows we're both adults and she will get called on her behavior, she's an angel. Likewise, I've had to accept that being afraid of confrontation is a fault of my father's. But we all have faults, and that's just one of his. Sounds like it may be your mother's fault too. Could be worse. Try to look for the good in her, not just focus on the bad.
  • Feb 7, 2008, 04:28 PM
    pasiria
    I've had several fights with mom, no screaming or insults, just disagreements. For example, the last fight was about my sister's kids. My mom refuses to let my sister's kids (3 and 5 yr. olds) to see their grandma, since my sister is divorced, my mom hates her ex and the family. I understand her hating her ex. The guy was physically and verbally abusive, but we argued that it was not his mom's fault and that the children always ask for her. My mom started to cry. Then my father walks in and my mom storms out to another room crying so loud. My mom made no attempts to clarify anything with my father and my dad got angry at me and accused me of making her cry. I avoided calling her. I would call her maybe twice a month. It's been about two months since then, and now we talk a lot more. Despite of the abuse, I love my parents with all my heart because I'm smart enough to know that they didn't know better. They tried their best. I've done so much for them and I will always be there for them. My dad has beginners alzimers. I struggle from time to time with the bad memories because I'm very emotional, with 3/4 of my left hemisphere of my brain dominating my actions. But, I know that my parents will not be with me for long, who knows, they are 65 and 74. They still work. The problem is that my dad is a controlling person. To the extreme that we have to ask permission to buy a new car, even if we are going to pay for it, if we don't ask, he'll get very mad. I just have to deal with it.
  • Dec 13, 2009, 07:51 AM
    Appraisergal
    Dear other users,

    I was married to a lawyer in Miami who never felt responsibility to family. He called his parents by their first names and, during our marriage, only contacted his folks when I initiated the contact. My parents convinced me to remain married and subsequently I had two pregnancies, 3 kids. I finally divorced him when, at his insistence, I became the sole support of the family - while he waited for his biz phone to ring. The children, all boys, were 7 and 4.5 at the time. Needless to say the divorce was contentious and remained so until the twins reached 18. To my knowledge he consistently broke promises to them and yet I'm the one on the 0utside looking in. Today they are 34 and 36.5. Oldest is a professional artist - waiting for the phone to ring (in Manhattan), the twins are a lawyer in Ft. Laud and Dr in Atlanta. I supported them through undergrad and graduate degrees, not with tuition (they went on scholarships) but with the usual gas, date, food monies. In 2005 something (I'm still clueless)went terribly wrong and no one talks to me today. I should also mention none are married - although all are very eligible, healthy and good looking. Throughout their growing years any good I ever did for them was deprecated by their father. The heartbreak goes beyond pain. Through counseling and antidepressants I can face each day, but I've lost a part of me that can never be replaced. I will never feel at peace; instead I feel the extreme time and effort to create such productive citizens was wasted and betrayed, replaced only with abandonment. How do these kids who don't speak to parents explain away parental relationships? Will it catch up with them eventually? Rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated.
  • Dec 13, 2009, 07:52 AM
    rozey48
    Dear other users,

    I was married to a lawyer in Miami who never felt responsibility to family. He called his parents by their first names and, during our marriage, only contacted his folks when I initiated the contact. My parents convinced me to remain married and subsequently I had two pregnancies, 3 kids. I finally divorced him when, at his insistence, I became the sole support of the family - while he waited for his biz phone to ring. The children, all boys, were 7 and 4.5 at the time. Needless to say the divorce was contentious and remained so until the twins reached 18. To my knowledge he consistently broke promises to them and yet I'm the one on the 0utside looking in. Today they are 34 and 36.5. Oldest is a professional artist - waiting for the phone to ring (in Manhattan), the twins are a lawyer in Ft. Laud and Dr in Atlanta. I supported them through undergrad and graduate degrees, not with tuition (they went on scholarships) but with the usual gas, date, food monies. In 2005 something (I'm still clueless)went terribly wrong and no one talks to me today. I should also mention none are married - although all are very eligible, healthy and good looking. Throughout their growing years any good I ever did for them was deprecated by their father. The heartbreak goes beyond pain. Through counseling and antidepressants I can face each day, but I've lost a part of me that can never be replaced. I will never feel at peace; instead I feel the extreme time and effort to create such productive citizens was wasted and betrayed, replaced only with abandonment. How do these kids who don't speak to parents explain away parental relationships? Will it catch up with them eventually? Rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated.
  • Dec 13, 2009, 07:53 AM
    bronx56
    Dear other users,

    I was married to a lawyer in Miami who never felt responsibility to family. He called his parents by their first names and, during our marriage, only contacted his folks when I initiated the contact. My parents convinced me to remain married and subsequently I had two pregnancies, 3 kids. I finally divorced him when, at his insistence, I became the sole support of the family - while he waited for his biz phone to ring. The children, all boys, were 7 and 4.5 at the time. Needless to say the divorce was contentious and remained so until the twins reached 18. To my knowledge he consistently broke promises to them and yet I'm the one on the 0utside looking in. Today they are 34 and 36.5. Oldest is a professional artist - waiting for the phone to ring (in Manhattan), the twins are a lawyer in Ft. Laud and Dr in Atlanta. I supported them through undergrad and graduate degrees, not with tuition (they went on scholarships) but with the usual gas, date, food monies. In 2005 something (I'm still clueless)went terribly wrong and no one talks to me today. I should also mention none are married - although all are very eligible, healthy and good looking. Throughout their growing years any good I ever did for them was deprecated by their father. The heartbreak goes beyond pain. Through counseling and antidepressants I can face each day, but I've lost a part of me that can never be replaced. I will never feel at peace; instead I feel the extreme time and effort to create such productive citizens was wasted and betrayed, replaced only with abandonment. How do these kids who don't speak to parents explain away parental relationships? Will it catch up with them eventually? Rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated.
  • Dec 13, 2009, 07:55 AM
    antiques426
    Dear other users,

    I was married to a lawyer in Miami who never felt responsibility to family. He called his parents by their first names and, during our marriage, only contacted his folks when I initiated the contact. My parents convinced me to remain married and subsequently I had two pregnancies, 3 kids. I finally divorced him when, at his insistence, I became the sole support of the family - while he waited for his biz phone to ring. The children, all boys, were 7 and 4.5 at the time. Needless to say the divorce was contentious and remained so until the twins reached 18. To my knowledge he consistently broke promises to them and yet I'm the one on the 0utside looking in. Today they are 34 and 36.5. Oldest is a professional artist - waiting for the phone to ring (in Manhattan), the twins are a lawyer in Ft. Laud and Dr in Atlanta. I supported them through undergrad and graduate degrees, not with tuition (they went on scholarships) but with the usual gas, date, food monies. In 2005 something (I'm still clueless)went terribly wrong and no one talks to me today. I should also mention none are married - although all are very eligible, healthy and good looking. Throughout their growing years any good I ever did for them was deprecated by their father. The heartbreak goes beyond pain. Through counseling and antidepressants I can face each day, but I've lost a part of me that can never be replaced. I will never feel at peace; instead I feel the extreme time and effort to create such productive citizens was wasted and betrayed, replaced only with abandonment. How do these kids who don't speak to parents explain away parental relationships? Will it catch up with them eventually? Rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated.
  • Dec 20, 2009, 04:56 PM
    wolfmama

    Antiques426, I see that you have three posts under different names. Maybe this site isn't working correctly. At any rate, I found your entry about the adult child estrangement by typing in a Google search entitled "when your adult child rejects you." As I read your story, I kept thinking how similar our two situations are... I hope we can communicate about this, and perhaps help each other. I am going to post my story under this same thread.
  • Dec 20, 2009, 05:25 PM
    wolfmama

    My adult daughter is married with twin boys, age 7. She and her husband are educators, him a principal (Ph.D.) and she a classroom teacher, and they took teaching jobs with Quality International Schools in Turkmenistan this past school year. Though I have never been a clinging mother or grandmother, and she lived 3 hours away, this news was hard for me, knowing I would not see them once they moved, since she informed me they intended to "live internationally" from now on.
    I was married to her father for 20 years, all the time unhappily, and during that time was told if I tried to divorce him, I'd be "out in the street" with nothing and he'd take her from me. We never "fought" and I stayed till she left for college on a full scholarship. I divorced her father after she left home, but all the while she was growing up, I used my money to buy her clothes, cars, etc. as her dad was squirrelling his money into savings. He was also emotionally inept and distant, but now she seems to gravitate toward him, and only contacts me with impersonal responses via email when I write to her in Turkmenistan. I sensed this was occurring this past summer, and it sent me into an intense depression. I had to "up" the Zoloft recently. I've sent numerous packages to her in that faraway country, to the tune of over $1,000, to which she replies with a polite "thank you." I've done this, I realize, as a way of hearing from her, but am feeling the "casting pearls before swine" attitude within myself.
    They installed "skype" on the inlaw's computer so they could communicate via webcam before they departed. I wrote to her asking if we could communicate that way, telling her how much I missed them. She responded with one phone call.. not on webcam. One call, and I had hoped to receive more from her, as it is a "free" call for her. Anyway, I know this sounds like a "pity party." I have not asked her why she wants to distance herself from me, as I feel this would alienate her further. It is very sad to not have contact with the little twins.
  • Oct 3, 2010, 06:54 PM
    missy111
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by CeilingFanLightTrouble View Post
    I personally think you have to consider the personality of the adult child. For instance, my parents made mistakes when my brother and I were growing up. My brother hasn't spoken to my father in years. My family and I are going on a cruise with my dad this summer. We had several of the same experiences with my father. In fact, I could easily argue that I had it much worse because I lived with my father and stepmother and my brother never did. But I have a more forgiving personality. My brother is a creative, sensitive soul with a genius IQ. He just refuses to let go. He think he has moved on by cutting our father out of his life. But in actuality, I know he thinks about the past and my father every single day. You can't appreciate someone for who they are when you are wrapped around the past. And what many adult children fail to ever learn is that parents are people first, and make mistakes. And these adult children will also make mistakes. Perhaps it's because I'm more sensitive to that fact since I now have my own children and my brother doesn't. But he continues to hang on to the perception of how parents should be and how ours failed him.

    Likewise, my husband has 3 daughters from a previous relationship who never lived with him and I. They didn't live near us and he saw them for holidays, summers and other visits. He took them all over the place for entertainment, amusement parks, concerts, etc. He did the best he could as a non-custodial parent, never missed a child support payment and paid for all 3 to go to college (or at least make an attempt).

    His middle child will not speak to him. She stopped speaking to him after he stopped paying for her college.... after 4 failed semesters and a 1.67 GPA. She won't have a conversation about why she's upset with him. She does tell her sisters, who funnel stories back to my husband. So, she gets to stew on her exaggerated beliefs while never listening to anyone else's side.

    The commonality here is, both she and my brother have "victim" mentalities. They don't want to hear the other side. They don't want to let go of their feelings. I don't know what they are getting from hanging on to them.

    Now, I do understand how some people cut other people out of their lives because they were horribly abusive, and they have to cut the strings to have any normalcy in their lives. However, yours doesn't seem to be the case.

    I'll tell you this, the more my father chases my brother, the more my brother rejects him. Likewise, the more my husband chases his daughter, the more she rejects him.

    I think you (and my husband and father) will find peace if you can learn to let go of the strings that bind, look for peace in your life without your adult children, and just hope someday they come back around. By chasing them, you help keep them in the mode of thinking you're the enemy. Each time you make contact, it gives your son another opportunity to reject you. If you stop, they get the chance to reevaluate their decision and think about whether or not they made the right choice.

    Wow this really make lots of sense. My son is not talking to me because a bad divorce and I have been trying so hard. But, maybe I will take your advice and take a step back and see what happens. Thanks
  • Nov 17, 2010, 05:14 PM
    Julsonmars
    Comment on missy111's post
    Thank you very much for your insight. I'm sad my 28 yr old son decided to break ties and go with his father who has never been available. My ex won turning my son against me and his sister. He's angry because I will not pay his way anymore.
  • Oct 24, 2011, 04:55 AM
    chant
    I was with a guy I had 3 kids and 1 was is we were to gether for a long time but it all went wrong when he would not let me be myself and have mates so I stayed till my daughter leved school but my old daughter was hard work she does not talk to me any more and my son is all for him my little girl lives with me now but I have lost my kids because I don't won't to be with this guy what do you think I can do to make it right with my son and daughter and my older daughter has had a baby and won't let me see her I am so lost I have tired yo talk to her but she does not won't to know me
  • May 11, 2012, 05:52 PM
    winnie22
    I truly believe if a child is given love, their needs are met, they are cared for and come from a truly caring family and cut their parents off with NO reason, I mean none and in a mean way, they are spoiled selfish adults. There is no reason for an adult child to do this to "anyone". I am going through it and have no idea why I am being treated in such a manner. This comes from a sociopathic personality. To hurt another person with intent has no excuse,forget it is a parent. Personally, I would not have the heart to treat another person in such a thoughtless way without reason, much less my parents. It is cruel. I know personally, going on two years.

    Note to all: we are only here for a brief time and to cut ties,with reason forever, is a huge loss. It is also plain mean. Being a mother, I tried as hard as I could to make a life that was loving and caring. To the parent it is simply emotional abuse, and I am now realizing this person (my son) has emotional problems I was not aware of.
  • May 20, 2012, 05:19 AM
    shortedout
    I am a 55 yrs old. My parents never call me or my 3 brothers. I at times felt that they didn't care or liked my brothers better. I have had to call them as do my brothers, now between me and my brothers my parents get regular calls and emails . At the same time my two children don't call me. I have send emails and texts and posts that they would enjoy on my Facebook, but rarely hear from them. I get to spy on them with Facebook. My hope is that they will eventually start to call me, but reality is that they haven't. I try to understand that they have their own lives and schedules and that they don't have an interest in an old (from their eyes) mans life. I feel left out and it saddens me I wonder what I can do to get them to call, but I'm afraid the only thing that interests them is money, something I can't help with. It took me years before I finally accepted responsibility to call my parents.

    If there is a message to my post, I guess it is that it is up to you to define the relationship and then if they don't respond let it go, being a pest will not encourage them to want to be closer. Lets face it family are not friends, children can be cold, heartless and self centered.
  • Nov 8, 2012, 01:19 PM
    JLD53
    I feel for all of you, I am going through the same with my youngest son. My husband, my two sons and I had always been a close family, I still can't believe this is happening. My youngest and his wife had our first Grandchild, a beautiful little girl, born last April. I saw her twice, then he and his wife decided they were angry with me and banned me from seeing my Granddaughter, I haven't seen her since she was four days old. My hurt is breaking, I literally can't function, I am seeing a doctor. I encouraged my husband and oldest son to keep a relationship with my youngest. After my youngest's wife wrote some nasty things about me on Facebook, my oldest sister and my nieces came to my defense. My husband went over and had a chat with my youngest, and my oldest will not speak to or be anywhere near his brother. My oldest feels my youngest's wife is behind all of this and he despises her. That day my youngest's wife blocked my entire family on FB, and my son said F*** my entire family. I have tried calling him, he won't answer, I have tried writing him e-mails, he blocked me. He still talks to my husband, and I asked my husband to please ask him to tell me what I did to deserve this, he told my husband 'it was a combination of things.' I recently lost one of my sisters to complications from Multiple Sclerosis. My youngest and his wife went to her memorial and my oldest went to her son's house after. I did go up to my youngest and his wife at the Service and asked him how he was, he asked me the same, I told him no matter what, I love him, he told me not to start. I then turned and said hello to his wife and she would not even acknowledge me. I am so angry, I don't have a clue how I will get past any of this.
  • Nov 12, 2012, 04:02 PM
    8track
    This pops out in the original post: "He was the favorite son, the favorite uncle, the favorite everything. He's now broken about 20 hearts of those of us who were close to him and who loved him deeply. "

    Being the "golden child" is a heavy burden for anyone to carry. It's one of the signs of a dysfunctional family and is a type of abuse. The son is an adult child of an alcoholic father, which makes the mother the co-dependent. Children raised in this environment get two choices: Go in denial, keep playing the role of golden child but the price is you cut yourself off from your true self. Most people choose this route as its easier. But the cost is to become an alcoholic or engage in some other dysfunctional behavior. The other choice, discarding one's golden child role, is harder and lonlier. Without recovery these adult children take on the role of "lost child" or "scapegoat" while the other steps in for the golden child role.

    These dynamics don't just happen over night for no reason. When an adult child cuts off their parent, its been a long road coming. It's been a lifetime of many reasons, heavy hearts, and unresolved conflict that brings things to this conclusion. I went through this myself, and I needed 6.5 years of "space" to focus on therapy and recovery to find out why I felt this way. What I found out was that I have PTSD from being raised by a self absorbed narcissist mother who is incapable of healthy loving. Years of emotional neglect, her inability to protect me from men she was dating and her inability for empathy led me to cut off ties. It took years of a nurturing therapist to finally soothe the pain and learn self love and boundaries. Until she is willing to get help, or learn safe boundaries, I and others like me have no choice but to choose "no contact" or "limited contact".
  • Nov 13, 2012, 10:26 AM
    JLD53
    Have you shared with your mother what you have learned through therapy? I know as parents we are human and make mistakes, but I do feel we have to be willing to acknowledge those mistakes. I think it would also be good for her (and you) to hear what you have to say, maybe it would be the push she needs to get some help for her own issues.

    For you, I say, kudos... for recognizing you can have a better life, and your willingness to go through therapy to achieve that.

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