A lady had asked a question and read and reread it as it is a very deep question. Her topic was My Adult son wont talk to me, Us. I read the answers as well. Today it is Christmas. I feel so alone. I do have other children. Yet there is a constant ache everyday that does not go away. In spring -08, my son has not returned any of my or my other childrens calls. I has been slowly going this way about over the last 2 years. But eventually we would catch him off guard and he would talk and he did show up on Christmas day. But not this year. He has not returned any of our calls. He is successful in the music industry and I have always encouraged him. He is very well known in the community and has endless friends. I have an adult daughter who thinks by things he has said, it is because he looks down at us for the area we live in as well as the fact that I have adopted children (one is bi-racial white/black and the other is handicapped. My daughter said he hates the handicapped one, because she is handicapped. But that has been over a decade ago. I don't get it. The two children are very loving and love him, very much.
I have NEVER had words with my son, as an adult! This has been coming on I guess for a few years now but this seems so clear. All the siblings have tried to contact him. My other kids said let go for now. He is with his friends alot!
Please if you have any ideas, let me know.

You didn't say how old you son is. He is still growing up even if he is over 40. Give him some time to rethink his love for you. He'll come back, but maybe not at Xmas. Xmas for some people means heartache and not good times. He'll just have to come back on his own as any prodding from you won't work.

My son is 28 years old. It just feels so , actually I can't explain it. I'm not mad at him, but very dissappointed in him. That he would do this. I always gave him so much love and attention.
I can try todo what you say. You know though I think about what if, something were to happen -- I would never get to tell him how much I love him. Can someone just shut down there feelings cold turkey. No fight, no bad words. Just decide he wants nothing to do with us. We tried a few times today. I can understand my kids deciding to back off calling him but as a Mom - well I don't want him to think I don't care that he doesn't want us no more. Thank you for writing me.

Perhaps he thinks that, if his fans find out where he "came from" -- has a biracial and handicapped half-sibs -- that will reflect on him ("Oooooooh, is he biracial? Is he handicapped somehow?) and he will lose popularity because these sibs are not "normal" (he thinks). He thinks that, if he cannot present a perfect picture to his new world, he will lose respect and applause.

When someone has risen in wealth and fame in the world, it can be very difficult to stay connected with one's roots, especially at first. He has new friends and new contacts and a whole new world to live in. He hasn't realized yet that he can have the best of both worlds, his old one and his new one...

Be patient with him and continue to send him cards and letters telling him how much you and your family love and value him.

Wondergirl,
Thank you for answering me. Christmas day was very hard for me. We don't have an address for him. Just his phone number. He usually has it off & we leave message or recently it just rings & goes into a message that voicemail is full.
All his friends still see him. Everyone does but the family. Please know that we are not the type to fight or belittle each other. I have ALWAYS told him how very proud I am of his accomplishments and how much I love him. I always tried to encourage him.

I did relax and accept what you said but with now way to now leave any correspondence I NEED to be able to at least leave messages. After I see how much in life I have supported him: always room mother, field trips, sleep overs on weekends ,very involved yet he still sees his old friends just not me and his siblings.
I'm thinking about showing up at one of his concerts. What do you think??
Thank you for any advice.

Hello LUV:

I'm getting the feeling that you think you're OWED a relationship because of all you've done for him... If HE gets that message too, you're going to drive him away further by continuing to do what you're doing. Relationships based upon obligations don't work out too well.

excon

I'm glad you were happy with my suggestions. I have a couple more for you. Excon is right. Let things lie for a while and don't turn yourself into a martyr over this situation. Obligation is truly the biggest turnoff in any situation.

Why do you "NEED" to contact him right now? I have two adult sons, so I can empathize with you a bit. The younger one is a writer and plans to dethrone Stephen King someday. If that happens and he doesn't stay in contact with me, I hope I will have the patience to give him space until all the glitter and glory fade a bit. Like I had said, your son is in a whole new world right now. Give him time and don't pester him, don't repeatedly call or leave messages, and don't attend a concert (yet!). Just get on with your life and take good care of the rest of the family.

A friend once told me to always leave a vacuum. In fact, Richard Roeper, a columnist and movie reviewer with Roger Ebert, said in this morning's column, his first one after a long two-week vacation, "How will you ever miss me if I don't go away?" I suggest you do this -- leave a vacuum and "take a vacation" instead of being (what your son might consider) too needy. Let him come to you. Be patient and create that vacuum.

You have my best wishes and hearty cheers for courage to back off for a while.

I would reach out and just keep it simple... "I love you and I would like us to be close. I don't know really what I've done to hurt you, and perhaps you've tried to tell me so I am sorry I did not get it, or pay enough attention. I'd like to meet with you and hear whatever you might have to say, in the hopes we can mend this rift." It could be that he's got a problem unrelated to you with alcohol, drugs, mental illness. It could be that you were not such a hot parent and do not see some deep offenses that he has suffered over the years. And it could be that he feels you misunderstand his views on the adopted kids... perhaps he likes and even loves them but resents the way their special needs impacted your family and displaced him in some way. Perhaps he did not feel you had enough financial resources for the added responsibility, and holds you responsible for whatever sacrifices might have resulted. PErhaps he feels you didn't consider his feelings. And perhaps it has nothing to do with any of that and there's something else going on - something he doesn't want to share with you for his own reasons.

Good luck to you and take care.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE TIME YOU DID TO HELP ME THROUGH THIS. I don't mean to act like a martyr but I am afraid that is exactly what I am doing. You three are right. Thank you for the honesty. I am now trying to look at the situation differently. Specifically, what you said Don't know nothing, about It could be that you were not such a hot parent and do not see some deep offenses that he has suffered over the years. And it could be that he feels you misunderstand his views on the adopted kids... perhaps he likes and even loves them but resents the way their special needs impacted your family and displaced him in some way. Although my intentions were good to take in children that nobody wanted, I did slight my own children. My other children are glad they are in their life. But apparently this one might have felt cheated. I see it, I GET IT!!
Thank you. Now I just have to figure out this mess of how to show him, when he lets me back in, how important he really is to me. I tell my kids all the time how much I love them, BUT actions speak louder. LUV 4 U and ME

I am 25 and for one thing, I think the fact that you have tried to keep in contact shows how much you love your son. He is still in his 20's and as a 25-year-old myself, he might be trying to focus on his career. One thing that is hard about being a young adult is being the "adult" part. When interacting with my father, he sometimes (out of caring for me) he gives my advice on what to do with my life, whether it be my career,relationships,etc. When being in your 20's you are really trying to find out everything on your own. You have already gotten the values and nurturing set forth from your childhood and adolescence. Now you are trying to make your own decisions. He might be trying to make his impact on the music inductry and just wants to focus on that. I bet when he reaches his goals, you will be hearing from him.

Lizbeth, thank you. I agree now that this is WHY my son is avoiding all of us. The reason is I found him over the weekend. I actually waited until after a concert and saw him. I didn't receive WONDERGIRLS message until after I saw him. She had advised me to not go to a concert YET. Boy, was she right! But I had the sense NOT to go in until it was done and they were done and talken with fans. I waited until he was done talking with one and went up to him. Not even in the building but behind where they band gets loaded up. I went up to him and he gave me a hug. I never put pressure on him. He asked if I saw the performance and I said no. Because I did not know if he wanted me to be in there. He said Of course I do. He seemed happy I had showed up. He sat and talked with me. Told me how busy he has been. Touring and all. It was real good. Of course I am not dillusional that he is not going to bounce back to my sweet boy but it was so good to see him. I never asked anything about why we haven't heard from him. I only spoke praises of how good they sounded from out in the back alley where I could hear them playing. And how proud I am of him. But I really want to do this right. I still can not get ahold of him. His voicemail is still full and he lives out of state now, but comes back frequently to play. So I will have to play a waiting game. Thank you so much. I really appreciate any advice.

No problem at all! I am glad the meeting went well!

While I agree with much of what has been said, I do think that the son has an obligation to his family, and if not his entire family, at least to his mother.

I don't think it is asking too much for him to show up for Christmas dinner, or at least call and say he won't be able to make it, but touch base there somewhere.

Why, unless there is a long history of discontent, arguing, bad blood so to speak, would he suddenly 'drop' his family like that. I'd say he's rather selfish and self-serving. What does a stamp cost on a Christmas card- too much effort for the rock star?

While I wouldn't push it as most agree, and I'd step back on the phone calls and messages, I would probably write a personal letter, expressing that he is loved, and missed, and whatever his reasons are for excluding his family, I will respect his (obvious) need for privacy. I'd let him know that no matter what happens, the door is always open.

Then I'd leave it at that. Guessing at what the reasons for his behaivour might be, will only cause more grief, and could be all off-base anyway.

I do think he'll eventually come home, and regret what he's done. We all make stupid mistakes for things we can't believe we actually did at that age.

Time and patience.

[quote=jake2008;1473662]while i agree with much of what has been said, i do think that the son has an obligation to his family, and if not his entire family, at least to his mother.

I don't think it is asking too much for him to show up for christmas dinner, or at least call and say he won't be able to make it, but touch base there somewhere.


Thank you for seeing that side as well. As a mom, who has tried to be a good parent and devoted my life to my children i feel the same way about honoring our parents.
Please don't get me wrong. I hate abusive parents. I mean h a t e them. That is one reason i took in other unwanted children. But this is not the case with him. He is very loved, has never lived in a home of drama, and i supported him in his dreams as well.
I want him to respect me and i do feel like he is not. Just because i know what type of parent i was to him throughout his childhood and now as an adult.
The rock industry seems to have a lot of people in it like this from what i have seen of it. Not all but enough.
But the others before gave me some food for thought and honestly i am listening to them. I wish it were not the way it is. But this is what i have before me. I will wait til he learns his life lessons and hope that he realizes how precious time and family is.
I have had to look at myself as well that maybe he did feel slighted. I thought i spread my love around to my children equally but maybe he feels like i should never have been a foster parent or adoptive parent. The others feel enriched by them but he perhaps feels like they are not his blood so why did i bring him into his life.

Thank you.

There are entire books written about children and memory. I remember my younger son, as an adult, once saying to me, "Remember when you said [such-and such] to me and I answered [such-and-such] and then you said [so-and-so] and wouldn't let me do [whatever it was]? You were wearing red pants that day and I've always hated red pants since then." I stood there shocked. "I have never worn red pants in my life and I never said that to you," I told him. "Oh, yes," he said, "That is one of my most vivid childhood memories."

He was 8, he said, so I would have been 37. I don't remember that occurrence, nor have I ever owned a pair of red pants. What children remember and how they interpret it might be the crux of LUV's situation too.

THANK YOU! Thank you.

That helps me not to personalize this situation as much as I do.

I am amazed at how brilliant you people are. How insightful. Can I please askyou a different question, completely different.
Do you know how I might be able to research an old murder case. I saw a mom being interviewed on a talk show from prison(not sure which show) maybe 10 years ago. I don't even know her sons name now but this callused woman and her boyfriend tortured her son 10 or 11 years old ~ killed him
~ and stuck in in a freezer. I see this sweet boys face all the time and I want to try and find out about it. I have always been so interested in stories of children who were murdered. Because I see them as angels. I want to have a website about them and so I need to find his story. His story first. His mom and boyfriend were convicted. I don't remember the state. Or the child's name. I kept thinking it was Jason but I don't think it is. Please do you have any direction. I tried looking it up on the computer. I knew she lived in a trailor park and had 2 more kids. Sorry to ramble on like this but I can't find this case. I don't think it was oprahs show.

Do you think I should try to post the question on this website? If anyone knows anything about the case? I have a little more info but no real specifics, like names or state.

Please post this as a new question (since it will get lost in this completely-diifferent thread). Meanwhile, as a librarian and Googler extraordinaire, I will do a bit of research on this question.

Here's a story about the murder of a little boy that greatly affected me, especially since it was done in this area --

Lattie and Cornelius - Lattie McGee and Cornelius Abraham

Oh that is such a pathetic story. How can that even happen. With neighbors and relatives. Someone suspected something and with DCFS, someone dropped the ball, with terrible consequence for precious Lattie.
His brother Cornelius, is a hero.
Thank you for sharing that story and yes, that is very close to home.

Wondergirl,
I appreciate that you are trying to help me with this murder case. I had looked it up a few days ago and there was some news paper site that said it has 3 similar cases but then it said I have to join @ $10.00 to find out.
So thank you very much. I hope maybe your librarian skills can help you through some news paper. I am going to put what I wrote in here on to another ASK topic. I think it was about 10 years ago. She lived in a trailer and moved in to another one with some guy around the corner from her. The interview on TV also had her brother on and he was NOT defending his sister. She was only on the talk show trying to get someone to help her get out of prison. Was my opinion anyway. You'll see if you find the article. I think it took about 1 or 2 years before they were found out. They said the boy ran away. At 10 or 11 years old! Thank You Luv4uandme