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    Star01234's Avatar
    Star01234 Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Jan 20, 2011, 09:17 AM
    My adult daughter is verbally abusuve to me
    Help! I need advise. My only daughter (my only child) is verbally abusive to me. Not all the time, but when it happens she just tears in to me. She always says we just can't get along and she is happier when I am not in her life. Basically, she tells me our relationship is over. The smallest thing I do can set her off. I feel like I am on egg shells most of the time, trying not to make her mad. I love my grandchildren so much that I can't bear the thought of not being in their lives. I love my daughter too, but most of the time I am uncomfortable around her. She blows up at her husband and the kids sometimes, but not like she does with me. We had some issues from her childhood that both of us had therapy for. I had hoped they were resolved, but I can't help but think she just hates me. I try to do everything I can for her. My family and friends tell me I have spoiled her and that she just doesn't respect me because she knows she can treat me the way she does. Last week I was visiting and she blew up at me and I took a stand and ended up leaving. I usually give in and stay when she does that, but this time I told her she had to apologize and admit that she doesn't have the right to treat me like that. She wouldn't apologize, instead she justified her actions... said I know just how to set her off. She is not speaking to me now and my family and friends say I shouldn't try to contact her... that she needs to realize she can't keep doing this to me. They tell me from their prospective I was a doting, wonderful mom... but from her perspective she thinks I was an awful mom. I have read a lot on here from people who say their daughter treats them this way and they had no issues growing up. What causes this? And how do I get her to stop yelling at me. The last time it happened it was in front of my grandchild. That really hurt...
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #2

    Jan 20, 2011, 09:45 AM

    Does anyone else say anything when she blows up?

    Her father,her husband?

    Is her issue only with you or can you think of situations where she has blown up at others?

    For now I would leave the emotional dust settle, your relationship can be salvaged, but you both need space right now, you because your hurt and her because she's angry.

    Give it a week or so,then make contact and ask to speak about what happened, listen to what she has to say and see if you can figure out what's going on underneath all her anger towards you.

    Could you be an easy target for her frustration due to your past relationship?

    It does not excuse her behaviour by any means and she has over stepped the bounderies.

    As I said, give her some space, and make contact, see what she has to say, if she's abusive, give her more space and try again.

    I understand its going to be hard not be around your granchildren, but if you don't do something different this time, you'll get the same result you always have.
    Star01234's Avatar
    Star01234 Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
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    #3

    Jan 20, 2011, 10:01 AM
    Thanks so much for the advice. I will do my best to follow it because it does sound practical. My daughter is short-fused. She gets angry in traffic, sometimes will yell at the kids or her husband... but, mostly it is at me. It has always been that way and I have allowed it because I didn't want to be cut off from her... and now from my grandchildren. I think in a lot of ways she is just not happy and it is easy to blow up at me.
    Thanks again...
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #4

    Jan 20, 2011, 10:11 AM

    Keep an eye on your thread, other people will post and offer different types of advice that you may find useful, or offer other insights into your daughters behaviour that may ring true for you.

    It's a difficult situation your in and understandable that your upset.

    In the meantime, treat yourself, even if it's a cup of coffee and a good book, this type of argument can be very emotionally and mentally draining, not too mention stressful.
    twicelived's Avatar
    twicelived Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Feb 9, 2011, 06:09 PM
    I have no idea what causes it, but I'm living it. In my case, my 30-year-old daughter entered therapy and somewhere in that experience, I ended up the villain. There was abosolutely no indication, other than those difficult teenage years, that anything was wrong. During her therapy, my daughter confronted me with an endless list of wrongs. I spent the next 2 and a half years in shell shock, trying to accommodate her while paying a huge emotional price to keep her in my life. The truth is: I was scape-goated; there is no way out, I can do no right. So, after an e-mail from her heaped with verbal abuse, I reached saturation. It's incredibly painful but in the end, I know I did my best. The daughter I knew no longer exists but people who love me just as I am, do. Please, choose them not someone who abuses you.
    promising0's Avatar
    promising0 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jun 3, 2011, 03:36 AM
    I know what your going through. My daughter is 18 and will be graduating h.s. in a few weeks. I am the parent that accepted her being gay, allowed her girlfriend to live with us until we move to Florida. I went to school for psychology and learned very valuable information on why we do the things we do and the causes of certain disorders. I am in no way qualified to diagnose what disorder if any whe may have, but, I have told her to get help that something is wrong. She started smoking pot, no other drug that I know of. I feel like I'm married to my abusive ex-husband again. She makes exscuses for everything she does, that she had a great childhood, but when I get mad I hurt them mentally. Nothing could be furtheer from the truth. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease in 02'. My ex-husband got remarried and left the state and left me sick on disability to raise my kids alone in a state with no family. I managed to go to college and decided to move both my kids and my daughter's girlfriend to FL. I get no appreciation for that, she's hurting my heart so bad. I don't know how to forgive her this time, at all. I'm a very forgiving person, but this time I don't know what to do?
    TMcD's Avatar
    TMcD Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    May 4, 2012, 02:33 AM
    I've just now gotton to the same point with my Daughter. My Daughter say's terrible things about me, it's to the point if anyone ask's me if I'm her Mother I hesitate and say uh, no, uh, who. Ha ha ha ha. But seriously, it's not funny. I did everything for my kids, worked full time to set a good example, provided a stable home, but I was also the one who had to put my foot down about homework and such. When I refused to serve her, her meals in her pig stye of a room, that's when the trouble really started. Now she's married with three children, she rules supreme, Her husband Rick is a great guy I just hope he lives a long time, cause I won't have her back in my house. I'm really sorry this is happening to any of us, I wish there were some way to snap them out of it. Life is supposed to be for the pursuit of happiness and contentment, I'm retired now, my life is so peacefull, except for her. I don't deserve this from her and I won't be treated this way. Sad. Best wishes to you, heartbreaking, T McD
    broussard's Avatar
    broussard Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    May 4, 2012, 02:43 PM
    I almost went through the same thing. I think the majority of the problem was was because she had gone through a devastating experience and apparently took it out on her parents. I did not know what happened. She was punished but it didn't keep her from exploding or disresprecting her parents. We sent her to her grandma's, even that didn't last too long. I found out, in this case, they need to feel loved and do not know how to express themselves and ultimately they are not happy with themselves. All you can do is get help for her and let time deal with her. Once she matures, you two will be the best of friends again. I really Hope this helps.

    Good luck
    MITZIH's Avatar
    MITZIH Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Nov 27, 2012, 09:50 AM
    Hi, I'm going over the same situation right now with my 29 year old. She has done favors for me which I have paid back. This last time, she helped me get a car, I have been paying for it, no money out of her pocket the same as cell phones. I made a remark about her posting a picture with the fathers mistress, so she just blew up. I have no say about my feelings. She now has demanded that I give the car back, I will but I will have to move on and forget that she is my daughter. She is very hurtful, she attacks my husband of 12 years. My heart is broken because no matter what I do, I am the bad mother no child wants. My grandkids adore me, but I will have to live without them. I can no longer take the abuse from this daughter. There is no compromising with her.

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