I love my 30 year old daughter and have always tried to be a great mom to her. I have given her everything I can afford and have taken care of her four children while she was in college and when she is at work, for free of course. Five years ago her husband was sent to prison for abusing her and the children. As soon as he got out, she had another baby with him and she remarried him last week. He works on the road and is only home once a month. For some reason, she turned on me the day after she got remarried. She ripped into me for everything! Says I don't attend kids functions, such as scouts and sports, says my house is messy, I'm fat, etc. I work full time as a teacher during the day and take care of her children at night while she works as a nurse. I get very tired. I have had two heart attacks. Sometimes I am too tired to go to the kids' events, but I do make it to many of them. I don't nag or criticize her but her sisters are angry that she remarried her ex. I don't try to alienate her children's affections. All I have done is give and give. The other day ago I missed work because her baby kept me up all night, sick and crying, while I was taking care of her, and I decided to call my daughter and explain that I am having trouble caring for her children all the time and see if we could arrange something else. She lives a lavish lifestyle compared to me. She has a very nice house and car and everything she wants. She doesn't want to pay for day care. I do without so I can spend money on her kids. I have four other kids and grandkids that I help too, and have been divorced for 30 years. My daughter has lots of friends and is pretty and popular. I have no life because I devote my time to her children. Then she acts like I'm not good enough for her to be proud of me. She always invites her friends over for dinner and goes out partying and dating. My heart is broken. What should I do?

Thank you for your reply to my post. There are many of us out there with similar situations, and you're not alone.

It's possible that your daughter's husband has such control over her and her thoughts, and that may be where the hostility is coming from.

Even though your daughter remarried him, she may subconsciously be angry at herself for giving in to him again, and that anger is reaching out to you. You know the old saying, you always hurt the one you love the most.

I know your pain. We as mothers have put the good times in the front of our minds, and made the assumption that the hard times were dim in comparison. Maybe our children (or one child) didn't feel that way. Every child takes things differently.

My father has passed away, but through the hurt I feel also, I remember something he said to me many years ago. I went through growing pains as a teenager and tried to run away. He told me years afterward that he was determined to never close the door to me. He advised me then, that if something similar happened with my children, not to close the door to them either.

I didn't realize then that it would also mean my grown children, but here I am.

You'll feel tears every day because you can't understand it. Just try to hang in there and keep that door to your heart open. There may come a day when she will need to come through that door.

Thanks. You know, my kids grew up without a grandma and I would have loved it if a nice woman would have come over to bring them Valentine's. Your dad was right; we should never close the door on our children. And my precious grandchildren depend on me too. I guess I'll just continue and be loving and kind and not change. I think she re-married her ex for acceptance in her church. I have always been kind to him and he shouldn't have anything against me, but I do think he fears I'll turn her against him, so may be trying to get her to turn against me. She came to my house for help back when he abused her and he broke a window and the abuse occurred in my home. Since I did press charges for breaking and entering, he has a chip on his shoulder against me. Thanks for the support. KC

My adult daughter hates me too ! She hasn't spoken to me for 10 months now. What's up with our kids ? I hope that your relationship mends. God Bless!

I believe we have an unlimited capacity to guilt ourselves into letting our grown kids do things we would rage against if we saw someone else doing them to their parents.

I'm not in your shoes, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to think about this situation a bit differently. I believe you want to spend as much time with ALL your children and grandchildren that you can for as long as you can. Sounded like you might be overweight and you said you have had two heart attacks. This doesn't sound like a recipe for long term involvement with your loved ones. How can your daughter (a nurse) put this kind of stress on you?

I never knew my grandparents. Over the years of my life, I have spent a great deal of time trying to imagine what it would have been like. I made sure my children knew theirs and I try to be the best I can for my grandkids. I am certain we are critically important to our grandchildren. Sounds like you are more important than most. You need to think about how best to do that for the long term.

Tough love isn't reserved for kids. If your daughter is living the high life at your expense, it won't be good for her in the long run. From what you said, you are spending more time with them than she is. I believe you need to cut back on it. I believe you need to tell her that you need some down time every week.

The issues with her husband are not your problem. Don't let her bring that into the situation. Don't let her get to you. Be loving, but also be strong and stand up for yourself.

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Originally Posted by kcscott

...says my house is messy, I'm fat, etc. I have had two heart attacks.

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Originally Posted by kcscott

I have four other kids and grandkids that I help too...

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You said these things. I said take care of yourself so you can be around for the other grandchildren. You implied your daughter is causing you undue stress. Stress can be a large contributor to heart issues.

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Originally Posted by kcscott

She lives a lavish lifestyle compared to me. She has a very nice house and car and everything she wants. She doesn't want to pay for day care. I do without so I can spend money on her kids.

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You said this. I said tough love isn't just for kids. I said it isn't good for her and I said earlier that it isn't good for you. I said if she is living the high life at your expense, you ought to change the situation.

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Originally Posted by kcscott

Five years ago her husband was sent to prison for abusing her and the children. As soon as he got out, she had another baby with him and she remarried him last week. He works on the road and is only home once a month. For some reason, she turned on me the day after she got remarried.

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You said this. I said the issues between her and her husband are not your concern.

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Originally Posted by kcscott

My heart is broken. What should I do?

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You asked this. I said don't let her get to you. Be loving, but also be strong and stand up for yourself.

I wasn't responding to anyone else. It might hurt to see it, but you wrote it.

Now, on this forum, it isn't nice to give someone a reddie for offering a good faith suggestion. On the other hand, if this was just a pity party, I probably deserved the reddie for not recognizing it in the first place.