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    starlight38us's Avatar
    starlight38us Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 14, 2008, 09:47 PM
    Abusive Son
    I'll try to sum things up as quickly as possible... My son is 19 and lived with me all his life up until he turned 17 then moved in with his dad... My sons entire life his dad has called me names and since my son has moved out, he is disrespectful to me... My son doesn't think twice of calling me stupid etc. Our relationship has been very strained since he moved. Last year he decided not to see me for at least 7 months... He's living like a bachelor in his apt with his dad... My son and I recently had a misunderstanding and I made a comment to him that I didn't want to hear it... Apparently his girlfriends mother had a car accident and they were going to the hospital to see her... I didn't hear him say that and now he thinks Im a monster and thinks that I said I didn't care about her being hurt... I said I didn't care to him because he blows me off about stuff and I thought he was doing it again. I didn't hear him say the mother got hurt and he won't believe me.. He has a girlfriend of 2 years that he's involved with.. I called him one day and asked for him to come over to talk and he started making excuses (like he always does). We have been seeing each other about 1x a week for the past 7 months.. I was mad at him because I wasn't invited to take pics of his girlfriend and him going to the prom yet my ex was invited.. My son has never included me in anything, not even the girls mother... My son thinks that Im an abusive parent because when he lived here we fought a lot towards the end... He doesn't treat me or my side of my family as his family only his dad and his family... He doesn't think twice of yelling at me or calling me names.. His dad has always ripped me apart in front of my son and my son acts like its normal to disrespect me... He shuts down to me and doesn't apologize... He recently called me an abusive mother. I am so upset that he would say that to me... The past months we got along fine and now he did a complete 180 on me... The constant problems with him is causing me to get bad migraine headaches and I can't take it anymore.. Ive had people say he will grow up and realize he needs me and will treat me better but Im starting to get physically sick with the stress.. Im just curious what any other mother would do in this situation.. Alot of it is that he is brainwashed to think Im something Im not because of my ex...
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #2

    Jun 15, 2008, 06:22 AM
    Your son seems to believe that he can dish it out and that you will take it. At age 19, most boys believe they are ten feet tall and bullet proof. My belief is that the maturing process is not over until around age 26. Just curious: do you have other children? Repairing a relationship is challenging business; how do you feel about involving a counselor from your mental health clinic, or a trained minister?
    starlight38us's Avatar
    starlight38us Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jun 15, 2008, 06:33 AM
    I have been seeing a counselor on and off for a couple years now.. When he moved out, my ex brought 2 police cars to my house at 6am to get my sons clothes... My son won't go to counseling... All he is wrapped up in now is his girlfriend.. Now he feels that I said "I dont care" regarding the girls mother getting into a car accident, when I didn't even here him tell me that because I was so mad... He never includes me in things like having the opportunity to take prom pics, special events, etc... Its always sorry afterwards and that he never thought of asking me... I don't believe it... I believe that he knows what doing.When he was seeing me the past couple of months we were friends... I had emailed him explaining that if he thought I was an abusive parent, then he shouldn't be near me.. I wanted to see what he would say... Instead he replies, I don't know what your message is saying, do you want to see me or not. Direct and to the point... He doesn't care how he talks to me.. Its been 3 years since he's moved out and its been bad... Do I just move on?
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #4

    Jun 15, 2008, 06:54 AM
    Not certain what 'move on' means. But I believe you should be in more control of the situations you find yourself in with him. If he is living with his Dad, then things may be about the same as they have been since he moved out three years ago because there hasn't been much opportunity for personal development, except for the girlfriend and her involvement in his life. If 'move on' means letting him grow up, yes, by all means, and he may come to appreciate his relationship with you in more mature ways. He is not going to be a little kid anymore.
    starlight38us's Avatar
    starlight38us Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jun 15, 2008, 08:24 AM
    thanks for the comments back.. When I say move on, I mean let him come to me, me not contact him... Im really upset though that he called me a child abuser. Plus a comment that his girlfriend never wants anything to do with me... I've met her only 2x in the 2yrs he's been dating her... Im tired of being treated like Im a loser or not good enough by my son.. He recently did a complete personality change to me and Im really angry with him right now.. Im getting harder by him and Im getting used to not seeing him, since my relationship has been anything but normal.. What he does is this... When I confront him about the name calling, he doesn't apologize.. In fact, he likes to reverse the blame on me.. I used to say I don't want to see you, that was when he first moved on and I was really hurt... He uses that against me and says that's why Im abusive... Yet he's got a nasty tongue and feels that he can say whatever he wants... He only recognizes his father as a parent not me... In fact my ex was recently in the paper for a bag of marijuana in his car and had to go to court... Yet my son thinks he's the best... I raised my son by myself, he had always lived with me... He's fixated on bad and won't remember any of the good... He also is living with someone that is brainwashing him... I don't know if there is any chance of him realizing what he's doing... Im not going to let him treat me like that anymore.. Do you have a suggestion what would be a good way of handling this situation with him.
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #6

    Jun 15, 2008, 08:49 AM
    I can really understand what you are saying: "When I say move on, I mean let him come to me, me not contact him", and agree. I wouldn't call him; maybe send him a card every few weeks on special days, holidays, etc. Call only to offer to meet him and possibly the girlfriend for dinner, where they won't make a fuss; or just meet him alone in a public place. If he is acting like an adult brat, I wouldn't encourage more of it; be patient and let the process of maturing go on.

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