Dear people, i have got a serious problem i sometimes really wonder my my father's behaviour is abusive. Although there is no form of physical abuse, he does get mad and has tempertantrums on a regular basis, like daily or weekly.
Shouting, Yelling, Criticizing, Interfering with everything we doe. Ever since i was a small child he was constantly blaming us for his own misery, and he said things like i'm fed up with you i'm going to pack my bags and leave.
I can easily go to thirdworld country with my money and live like a king, and have a beautifull wife. I don't feel apprecatiated, ik work my *** of to take care of you, you don't deserve my goodness and love. Also he is constantly complaining about other people, i mean constantly, everytime the same story, i think i've really heard it for literally 1000 times now. And when i tell him yeah you already told me, he gets mad andt ells me it's rude.
Also he is very controlling, even though I am twenty two ad my sister is twenty, wiht me it's less, but still he acts very controlling and overprotective towards my sister. Always calling, sometimes yelling through the phone to immediatly come home or asking where she is.
Also he is very lonely and has no real friends. His family is al he has left in this world, and the only way he feels useful is by taking care and protecting us. My mother used to be very dependant, seeing my dad as a fatherfigure, when she got depressed and sought psychological help he disapproved it al the time. He was very offensive towards psychologists, didn't want to have anything to do with them.When my mother got mentally stronger and started living her own life he started constantly to get mad, demanding that she woudl spend more time wiht the family. Everytime when she siad she was gone for the weekend to some alternative course, he always got angry at her.
Accsuing her of abandoning him, not caring for him, not appreciating him.
Everytime when my mother started to explain him, that also he had to change, not to be so negative al the time, and stop critisizing others and start lookign at himself, he always got very angry, defensive, and argumentative. Always rationalizing everything away and blaming my mother.
Nothing was right, what she did, everytime when she did something he always responden negatively and unthankfull.
He always said he was sick of her, or putting her down by saying she was fat. ALways saying he enough of her and wanted to divorce, and later he said he loved her again. When after months of this behaviour my mother told
him she wanted a divorce, he got extremely angry, yelling at her all night, rationalizing blaming, giving her all the fault. He also sees his behaviour as perfectly normal, and believes he is right and we are wrong.
My father comes from the Middle East by the way, and I do not know whether that plays a role in this whole situation. My mother is American.
He also failed his own studies, and was always pressuring me from childhood to become an important person, to be the best in school, to go to college.
Now i see myself going down the same track, i failed 2 studies in college, and flunked 3 classes in highschool. Although i am intelligent enough to fulfill a academic study, I am somehow extremely demotivated, i simply have a total lack of motivation and discipline, also 2 characteristics of my father.
I simply do not know, what to do. Is my father an abusive person, or are most fathers, especially middle eastern fathers, this way ?
Also i feel that the only way I can succeed in life is by, going my own way, and have absolutly no interference or advise from both of my parents. I hate it being controlled all the time, even when i left home for college, they still had to interfer, like calling on a regular basis, start preaching me every weekend i was home. I hate it to feel responsable for my father. Like if i fail i will embarrass him, and displease him. It is so important for him that me and and sister really succeed, he dissaproves of choices we make on our own.
Like for example my sister wanted to go to nursing school, which is one level below medschool, and my dad insisted my sister would go to medschool abraod, if here she would not qualify, and even asked me to talk this idea out of her head. With me he is always stressing that he wants me to go into politics, and to become a diplomat. he desperatly wanted me to join an egalitarian fraternity, and even insisted on cleaning toilets to pay it for me.
Always projecting his own unfulfilled ambitions on me. Everytime my mother tries to tell him we have our own life, and our own choices, and we have to make our own mistakes, he simply gets angry, and tells her she does not understand. Letting my children go their own way, and seeing them go down the tubes !!!!! Everytime my mom tells him he is too overprotective, demanding, strict and interfering, he simply starts to get md and rationalizes everythign away. Like for example my sister is 19 and wants to go on vacation on her own to spring break in mexico, and my father says no, that's not a place for a descent girl like you, by the way girls get drunk and get raped there i can't leave my daughter there. I don't want you to return home with aids, you know really those kind of things. He says these things all the time. I am really ****in fed up with it. When i was in college he even came all the way across the state like 3 hours, because I didn't pick up my cell phone.
Really this man really made my life and my childhood and teenage years a living hell. The problem is also that he is constantly in denial, and really believes he gives us all the freedom in the world, and is not a strict father.
I really regret the fact i didn't have the guts to rebel against my father when i was like 15 or 16, always being so obedient, afraid to displease.
Even though I am 22 years and lived on my own for 2 years, i still have like allot of resentment, fear and anger of my childhood. I moved to the other side of the state, but the fear of displeasing him, the feeling of being controlled, the anger towards him still haunted me. It jsut didn't go away.
I know it's a long stroy, but i really need to get this off my chest.
Is there anyone who can help me, or give me advise, or at least refelct on my story and tell me what you think of it.

Brad

bellatwo

[SIZE=3]Since you gave specific examples of your fathers behavior, and then asked "is this abusive," I wish to answer your question. Yes, you are being emotionally and psychologically abused. A few examples of emotional and psychological abuse are as follows: Gives little thought for your feelings, behaves in a threatening and/or manipulative manner. Continually criticizes, ridicules, and insults you. Regularly threatens to leave you or tells you to leave. Withholds approval, appreciation, and affection.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=3]Brad21, please know you did nothing to deserve this, it is not your fault, you are not to blame, you are the victim. You cannot fix your father, and little you do will. You can seek professional help to repair the damage he has done to you. [/SIZE]
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bellatwo

I have no clue what I just hit, which precipitated the [size=3], I apologize for the distraction.

stonewilder

My mother was the same way. There is no magic answer on how to get over this. You need to know it's not your fault. I went to counseling after my mother died because I felt guilty that I didn't morn her passing but was rather happy there would be no more drama. It wasn't until I started going to counseling and opening up about all the things she had done that I realized how much pain I was really in and how it was unknowingly affecting my life and relationships. I never knew or thought about my mother being abusive till the counselor told me it was. All I ever wanted was to hear my mother just once tell me she was proud of me even for the littlest thing and I think that bothered me more than anything. I realized later that even if she had ever said she was proud of me it wouldn't have really meant much coming from her of all people. Get some counseling. You may feel drain and even sick your first few sections but don't give up on it. It will help to get it all out.

tamieko2

you are of age, i suggest if u dont have a job, get one and move out!! my dad was the same way and even though i am 30 yrs. old he still has the ability to make me feel like i am 12, i left, i visit on occasion but my contact is very limited, he is so negetive and verbally abusive i cant deal with him. he is always saying bad stuff about my mom and telling me i remind him of her. his problems are not yours they are his, let him deal with them on his own.