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Dear people, i have got a serious problem i sometimes really wonder my my father's behaviour is abusive. Although there is no form of physical abuse, he does get mad and has tempertantrums on a regular basis, like daily or weekly.
Shouting, Yelling, Criticizing, Interfering with everything we doe. Ever since i was a small child he was constantly blaming us for his own misery, and he said things like i'm fed up with you i'm going to pack my bags and leave.
I can easily go to thirdworld country with my money and live like a king, and have a beautifull wife. I don't feel apprecatiated, ik work my *** of to take care of you, you don't deserve my goodness and love. Also he is constantly complaining about other people, i mean constantly, everytime the same story, i think i've really heard it for literally 1000 times now. And when i tell him yeah you already told me, he gets mad andt ells me it's rude.
Also he is very controlling, even though I am twenty two ad my sister is twenty, wiht me it's less, but still he acts very controlling and overprotective towards my sister. Always calling, sometimes yelling through the phone to immediatly come home or asking where she is.
Also he is very lonely and has no real friends. His family is al he has left in this world, and the only way he feels useful is by taking care and protecting us. My mother used to be very dependant, seeing my dad as a fatherfigure, when she got depressed and sought psychological help he disapproved it al the time. He was very offensive towards psychologists, didn't want to have anything to do with them.When my mother got mentally stronger and started living her own life he started constantly to get mad, demanding that she woudl spend more time wiht the family. Everytime when she siad she was gone for the weekend to some alternative course, he always got angry at her.
Accsuing her of abandoning him, not caring for him, not appreciating him.
Everytime when my mother started to explain him, that also he had to change, not to be so negative al the time, and stop critisizing others and start lookign at himself, he always got very angry, defensive, and argumentative. Always rationalizing everything away and blaming my mother.
Nothing was right, what she did, everytime when she did something he always responden negatively and unthankfull.
He always said he was sick of her, or putting her down by saying she was fat. ALways saying he enough of her and wanted to divorce, and later he said he loved her again. When after months of this behaviour my mother told
him she wanted a divorce, he got extremely angry, yelling at her all night, rationalizing blaming, giving her all the fault. He also sees his behaviour as perfectly normal, and believes he is right and we are wrong.
My father comes from the Middle East by the way, and I do not know whether that plays a role in this whole situation. My mother is American.
He also failed his own studies, and was always pressuring me from childhood to become an important person, to be the best in school, to go to college.
Now i see myself going down the same track, i failed 2 studies in college, and flunked 3 classes in highschool. Although i am intelligent enough to fulfill a academic study, I am somehow extremely demotivated, i simply have a total lack of motivation and discipline, also 2 characteristics of my father.
I simply do not know, what to do. Is my father an abusive person, or are most fathers, especially middle eastern fathers, this way ?
Also i feel that the only way I can succeed in life is by, going my own way, and have absolutly no interference or advise from both of my parents. I hate it being controlled all the time, even when i left home for college, they still had to interfer, like calling on a regular basis, start preaching me every weekend i was home. I hate it to feel responsable for my father. Like if i fail i will embarrass him, and displease him. It is so important for him that me and and sister really succeed, he dissaproves of choices we make on our own.
Like for example my sister wanted to go to nursing school, which is one level below medschool, and my dad insisted my sister would go to medschool abraod, if here she would not qualify, and even asked me to talk this idea out of her head. With me he is always stressing that he wants me to go into politics, and to become a diplomat. he desperatly wanted me to join an egalitarian fraternity, and even insisted on cleaning toilets to pay it for me.
Always projecting his own unfulfilled ambitions on me. Everytime my mother tries to tell him we have our own life, and our own choices, and we have to make our own mistakes, he simply gets angry, and tells her she does not understand. Letting my children go their own way, and seeing them go down the tubes !!!!! Everytime my mom tells him he is too overprotective, demanding, strict and interfering, he simply starts to get md and rationalizes everythign away. Like for example my sister is 19 and wants to go on vacation on her own to spring break in mexico, and my father says no, that's not a place for a descent girl like you, by the way girls get drunk and get raped there i can't leave my daughter there. I don't want you to return home with aids, you know really those kind of things. He says these things all the time. I am really ****in fed up with it. When i was in college he even came all the way across the state like 3 hours, because I didn't pick up my cell phone.
Really this man really made my life and my childhood and teenage years a living hell. The problem is also that he is constantly in denial, and really believes he gives us all the freedom in the world, and is not a strict father.
I really regret the fact i didn't have the guts to rebel against my father when i was like 15 or 16, always being so obedient, afraid to displease.
Even though I am 22 years and lived on my own for 2 years, i still have like allot of resentment, fear and anger of my childhood. I moved to the other side of the state, but the fear of displeasing him, the feeling of being controlled, the anger towards him still haunted me. It jsut didn't go away.
I know it's a long stroy, but i really need to get this off my chest.
Is there anyone who can help me, or give me advise, or at least refelct on my story and tell me what you think of it.
Personally, your father is emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse can be or is more harmful then physical abuse. Physical heals, emotional wounds remain deep if not dealt with.
Personally, your father is emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse can be or is more harmful then physical abuse. Physical heals, emotional wounds remain deep if not dealt with.
Yes, yes, yes...this is so true.
As stated before, I think it wouldn't hurt to get some counselling. Like Fr. Chuck said, as an adult you have choices. Please choose to lead a healthy life for you. Good luck.
Look all this psychological stuff about family dynamics, communication, taking responsibility for your own life, letting your children make their own mistakes are things my mother is trying to tell him for years, but he is so narrow minded he simply does not understand these things, he is simply very nervous, overprotective and demanding, and also frustrated, miserable and lonely. Everytime when we try to discuss certain things with him, he simply gets mad and argumentative. He sees his strict, authoritarian, overconcerned and interfearing behaviour as totally normal. I understand most parents have these things. But once he went to a psychologist when i was 14, to discuss trouble he was having with me, i was in puberty. This therapist told him, all parents had concerns and every family had difficulties, but his behaviour was not normal at all, and if he would continue with this, he would lose his children. He literally said to my father ''Sir, i think i have a very sad message for you, but you have already lost your son, i've seen these patterns so many times eventually when your sonis older he will hate you and walk away from you'' All tis man said to my father was my father had to let me go, my father saw giving me freedom and responsibility as abandoning me and seeing me end up like a junkie or a alcoholic. MY father's response to what psychologists said, was simply, ''these western psychologists do not know what love for your children means'' I mean i am outragous right now, i feel the only way i can live a normal life is a life without my father. Although in some ways he is nice, loving and caring i simply just hate him. I do not know why, but i hate him for ruining my childhood. For the mess he made in my life.
If he would e less pressuring and overprotective i would have been almost graduated by now. I flunk 2 times in highschool, en 2 years in college.
I really feel cursed by my father, as if the only way to get rid of him, is really telling him straight is his face that he is a worthless *******, who only made my life miserable. I said these thing sin the past, things like ''You are a worthless dad" ''**** off'' GEt out of my life'' You will never ever see me again'' ''You should never have had me as a child'' ''I never was happy in this home'' It simply doenst get through, he doesn't understand what he does wrong. Telling him nicely, my mother went to several counselors with him,
tells him in a normal way certain things are unpleasant. He only get rational and agumentative, denying what he does, and putting the entire blame on us. Or he angrily walks away
I also feel as if i can't really explain it, like give concrte examples, it his just a certain attidude which overshadows himf or the most part.
SO you see nothing helps, hard confrontation doesn't help, realtionship counseling doesnt help, talking does not help. I want my father to really go away out of my life at least temporalily, maybe for good. I've seen it with others also they all have unstable lifes, because of problematic (not abusive) family situations.
you can't change him so stop trying. Change you. Walk away if you need to.. I finally had to and didn't talk to my mother for years. You are an adult and there is no reason that you shouldn't be able to live your own life, but if you don't make the decision to go then he's going to keep doing this and you, as an adult, will keep letting him. Walk away for awhile. Let those emotions heal a bit and stand up for what you believe in... Yourself. If you let this hate get to you your going to turn out just like him... Do you really want to become just another statistic? Or are you ready to grow up?
Yes, it is abusive. But that isn't the most urgent problem....
One of the worst features that takes place in a dysfunctional family is the overrunning of boundaries and the subsequent mixing up of what is who's responsibility. It makes for everyone shifting blame to anyone but themselves which really keeps them trapped. I hear you saying "IF ONLY my dad ______, then I could be happy." I would bet THOSE kind of statements are rampant in your family.
It is a big fat lie. It is a big fat lie that you need to blow up in a pile of mental dynamite. It is a big fat lie that until you get HOW big and HOW fat and HOW lying it is... you will remain his willing victim. You will be doing it to you but blaming him....because that's what you all do.
The truth is this: there is nothing stopping you from getting clear of him and living happy, joyous and free... except for your unwillingness to do what it takes. How do I know this? I used to be exactly where you are and I am not anymore.
There are a great many good posts here on this thread. After you put your "I AM RESPONSIBLE" mindset on, I suggest you reread through them and take up what they suggest and get a plan going for your exit strategy from the madness. It is up to you.
Yes totally, using the phrase " If only___________ "
regrets are episodes from the past that come to haunt you in the present.
They are not worthed.... keep moving forward!
Your dad may have come from a family which did not communicate very well. he seems pissed off about something, but don't hurt yourself to get back at him. Do what you want to do in Life. Don't live for him. He may live for a hell of a long time ! You might as well live a fun, friendly, enjoyed Life. If that doesn't include him, then so be it. Good Luck.
Your father is a troubled man. I'd cut off any and all contact with him and encourage your mother and sister to do the same, until he gets professional help. If he refuses, then ces't la vie, let him go back to the Middle East and "have his beautiful wife and live like a king." Something tells me that if he really could have done all that he would have. Your family does not deserve to take this kind of abuse so you all need to make up your minds not to.
Dear people, i have got a serious problem i sometimes really wonder my my father's behaviour is abusive. Although there is no form of physical abuse, he does get mad and has tempertantrums on a regular basis, like daily or weekly.
Shouting, Yelling, Criticizing, Interfering with everything we doe. Ever since i was a small child he was constantly blaming us for his own misery, and he said things like i'm fed up with you i'm going to pack my bags and leave.
I can easily go to thirdworld country with my money and live like a king, and have a beautifull wife. I don't feel apprecatiated, ik work my *** of to take care of you, you don't deserve my goodness and love. Also he is constantly complaining about other people, i mean constantly, everytime the same story, i think i've really heard it for literally 1000 times now. And when i tell him yeah you already told me, he gets mad andt ells me it's rude.
Also he is very controlling, even though I am twenty two ad my sister is twenty, wiht me it's less, but still he acts very controlling and overprotective towards my sister. Always calling, sometimes yelling through the phone to immediatly come home or asking where she is.
Also he is very lonely and has no real friends. His family is al he has left in this world, and the only way he feels useful is by taking care and protecting us. My mother used to be very dependant, seeing my dad as a fatherfigure, when she got depressed and sought psychological help he disapproved it al the time. He was very offensive towards psychologists, didn't want to have anything to do with them.When my mother got mentally stronger and started living her own life he started constantly to get mad, demanding that she woudl spend more time wiht the family. Everytime when she siad she was gone for the weekend to some alternative course, he always got angry at her.
Accsuing her of abandoning him, not caring for him, not appreciating him.
Everytime when my mother started to explain him, that also he had to change, not to be so negative al the time, and stop critisizing others and start lookign at himself, he always got very angry, defensive, and argumentative. Always rationalizing everything away and blaming my mother.
Nothing was right, what she did, everytime when she did something he always responden negatively and unthankfull.
He always said he was sick of her, or putting her down by saying she was fat. ALways saying he enough of her and wanted to divorce, and later he said he loved her again. When after months of this behaviour my mother told
him she wanted a divorce, he got extremely angry, yelling at her all night, rationalizing blaming, giving her all the fault. He also sees his behaviour as perfectly normal, and believes he is right and we are wrong.
My father comes from the Middle East by the way, and I do not know whether that plays a role in this whole situation. My mother is American.
He also failed his own studies, and was always pressuring me from childhood to become an important person, to be the best in school, to go to college.
Now i see myself going down the same track, i failed 2 studies in college, and flunked 3 classes in highschool. Although i am intelligent enough to fulfill a academic study, I am somehow extremely demotivated, i simply have a total lack of motivation and discipline, also 2 characteristics of my father.
I simply do not know, what to do. Is my father an abusive person, or are most fathers, especially middle eastern fathers, this way ?
Also i feel that the only way I can succeed in life is by, going my own way, and have absolutly no interference or advise from both of my parents. I hate it being controlled all the time, even when i left home for college, they still had to interfer, like calling on a regular basis, start preaching me every weekend i was home. I hate it to feel responsable for my father. Like if i fail i will embarrass him, and displease him. It is so important for him that me and and sister really succeed, he dissaproves of choices we make on our own.
Like for example my sister wanted to go to nursing school, which is one level below medschool, and my dad insisted my sister would go to medschool abraod, if here she would not qualify, and even asked me to talk this idea out of her head. With me he is always stressing that he wants me to go into politics, and to become a diplomat. he desperatly wanted me to join an egalitarian fraternity, and even insisted on cleaning toilets to pay it for me.
Always projecting his own unfulfilled ambitions on me. Everytime my mother tries to tell him we have our own life, and our own choices, and we have to make our own mistakes, he simply gets angry, and tells her she does not understand. Letting my children go their own way, and seeing them go down the tubes !!!!! Everytime my mom tells him he is too overprotective, demanding, strict and interfering, he simply starts to get md and rationalizes everythign away. Like for example my sister is 19 and wants to go on vacation on her own to spring break in mexico, and my father says no, that's not a place for a descent girl like you, by the way girls get drunk and get raped there i can't leave my daughter there. I don't want you to return home with aids, you know really those kind of things. He says these things all the time. I am really ****in fed up with it. When i was in college he even came all the way across the state like 3 hours, because I didn't pick up my cell phone.
Really this man really made my life and my childhood and teenage years a living hell. The problem is also that he is constantly in denial, and really believes he gives us all the freedom in the world, and is not a strict father.
I really regret the fact i didn't have the guts to rebel against my father when i was like 15 or 16, always being so obedient, afraid to displease.
Even though I am 22 years and lived on my own for 2 years, i still have like allot of resentment, fear and anger of my childhood. I moved to the other side of the state, but the fear of displeasing him, the feeling of being controlled, the anger towards him still haunted me. It jsut didn't go away.
I know it's a long stroy, but i really need to get this off my chest.
Is there anyone who can help me, or give me advise, or at least refelct on my story and tell me what you think of it.
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