My daughter turned 18 this year and in the month prior to her birthday, my former husband kicked her out of his house (due to her mouth) and she went to live with a girlfriend 2 hours away so she could go to school.Within 6 days my daughter called and wanted to come home to live with me. Fine. She wasn't ready to live on her own and I knew it. In the meantime she had overdrawn her checking account for the rent (she had never had an account before) so I covered the $250 charge. A day later there was another $200 I put in her account and my daughter promised to pay me back. Well, between her cell phone bill and car insurance, these promises eventually added up to $1700. My problem is I always believe my children when they say they will pay me back and my youngest daughter has never let me down. It took some time for her to find a job and when she did, she also signed up for college (which I happily paid for) as well as for a credit card to establish credit so she could put the cell phone in her own name. In due time, she dropped out of school without telling me and ran up her credit card so there were over limit charges. She paid off her credit card but when I brought up the fact that she owed me money, she got quiet. She spends a fortune on makeup and clothes and totally neglects my questions regarding repayment. She has zero boundaries and borrows my clothes and jewelry constantly. She actually took some of my birthday money and never even bothered to get me a card or gift. She is hostile and mean and refuses to renew her medication for her mood stabilizer. She tells me she is 18 and feels better without it. Counseling is out of the question and everyday is a battlefield. Yesterday she was especially abusive and I told her to pack and leave. I had had enough. Last night she came home to talk about perhaps leaving at the end of the month but I explained she had never listened to my needs and since she refused to respect me, she couldn't come home. She got snotty and mouthy and packed a small bag to leave even though she has no real place to go.
How do I deal with a wayward daughter who is NEVER wrong? What options do I have? How do parents handle this behavior other than "tough love"?

J_9

Understand that she is now 18 and legally can live on her own if you are in the U.S.

What you must do now is stop enabling her. By covering the $250 charge, etc., you are enabling her behavior.

What options do you have? Let her live her life on her own, let her make mistakes and learn from them. If you continue the way you are going now, she will eat you alive.

I know you love your daughter even though she is putting you through this, but sometimes love means letting go and letting them learn from their mistakes. Yes, it will be hard, but you can do this for her own good.

There really is no way to handle this other than "tough love." You have done enough and she did not respond. Now the ball is in her court.

You could have gotten the prescription filled for her, but you can't make her swallow the pills.

If she makes the choice to disrespect you in your own home, then she does not deserve to be there. Eventually she will wise up.

Jesushelper76

Honestly the best thing is stick through what you said to her. You did not listen to my rules. You did whatever you want. You are not allowed to stay here. You need to find your own way now. School is very important. The rule for me was as far as I was in school I could stay at home. Or pay rent. Your former husband did the right thing, and now you realize that you should have done the same thing. Hoping she will learn when she has no money for these things she can not afford. She will eventually learn that not everyone is going to give hand outs and she will discover she needs to start doing things for herself. Your doing the right thing by not having her come back.

talaniman

Without tough love now you may as well give up. If she breaks the rules she has to go and this time don't give her any money. It hurts but she has to learn to obey your rules and be respectful.

Fr_Chuck

Let me see, they make those great heavy duty black plastic bags for trash, you take all of her clothes, put them in them, put them on the front porch and change the locks, Let her know you love her and that she is responsible for her life, not you, and that she has to grow up and take care of her own things

Really bad things,
1. you paying her bills and not getting paid back first
2. paying any bad checks, twice, and not making her close the account.
3, ever allowing her a credit card, they make great prepaid cards for people with no credit and not good at paying thier bills.
4. allowing her a place to live rent free and letting her do those things.

You were taken for a ride by a con person, who just happens to be your daughter.

Imkarch

Thank you for all your answers!
I tossed my daughter out before Christmas and within 4 days she found her way to her Grandmothers house where she stayed for one month. Her Grandmother (my Mom) told her she needed to be out on a certain date and she was. While with her Grandmother, she never cleaned a thing, offered to grocery shop or pay a spec of rent.
She has since moved in with a friend of mine who is single with 2 small children. Once more, this will be a partime situation. I receive updates on her which are not good (she pierced her tongue, let her car insurance lapse and has not bothered to register her car yet -she bought it 4 months ago-so she's driving around without plates). I heard she drove to work still hung over from the night before.
She doesnt call me (she has no phone other than her work phone) so we have no real contact. I'm just keeping my distance. No mention has been made regarding her repayment of the money she owes me.
She's like a loose cannon right now but I thank you all for giving me the backup I needed to not backdown and bring her home. I feel stronger without the negative adversity that tookover my home.
I'll stay in touch.....

Jesushelper76

It is good to hear of an update. You did the right thing. Some people need to learn the hard way.

J_9

Yes, it is good to hear an update. It is also good to know that you did the right thing for both of you.

She will most likely come around and be more responsible, if not sooner then later, but she will make a turn around eventually.

Keep up the good work and stay strong.

Imkarch

I"m back and asking for more advice.
Since my last post in February, i have seen my daughter once and that is when she came over to pick up some items she left in my home. She marched in telling me she wanted to clean out her room and since i was in the middle of something -and i wanted to make sure she didnt take anything extra- i told her she would need to come back at a more appropriate time. She turned and said "Sweetheart, i will leave when i'm ready!" That set me off and i had to call the police to get her to leave.
Prior to that, i had found an insurance check made payable to her (which had been missing for months) and i put it into a joint savings account for safe keeping. When she asked me if i had found the check i told her i had and i would write her a check for the amount which i promptly did. She thought i did something wrong by placing that check into my account and told me she would get me in trouble with my boss being i work in a bank. She called my boss and told her i had stolen her money and forged her name on the back of the check-none of which was true. My account with my daughter is at a different bank anyway but my boss called me into her office to discuss the situation with me. She asked if my daughter "needed attention". The situation was extremely embarrassing to say the least.
Now i hear that my daughter would like the computer i bought for her last July which is still in my home.
HERE'S MY QUESTION.....
Since my daughter has behaved so poorly and still refuses to pay back any portion of the $1700.00 she owes (see earlier post), do i give the computer to her or do i sell it to recoup some of the money? The computer was a graduation/birthday gift and even though i have always told my children to be the better person etc, etc. i feel like holding the computer as hostage until i receive something towards her debt. This last experience with my employer has left me shaken.
Any advice is appreciated.

talaniman

A gift once given is no longer yours, and it is illegal to hold someones property for collateral without prior agreement. She can actually make a claim in small claims court. Trouble maker she is so cut the ties and let her swim in her own shat. She is an adult and she is smarter than you. So let her go about her own business and learn her own life lessons. We always worry about our children, But we can't always protect them. Speaking of small claims court, that is also an option for you to recoup your $1700, if there was an agreement and documentation as to the amounts. Let Judge Judy rip her a new one, if you so choose. I don't think I would, but its on the table.