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I am just devastated by the way my son treats me. Tonite he called me a ho and tells me every day that I am worthless. I have been here for him while his father, my ex husband went years without seeing him at all. I have helped him so much and tried so hard to give him a decent life. I am off work right now because my older son was seriously injured in an IED blast in Afghanistan last year and it put me right over the edge. I am trying to get my life back together but each and every day he tears me back down. He is 6'6" tall and over 200 pounds, very intimidating when he is angry, which is often. He hates everything I say and do. I have tried everything from ignoring him, to taking him to counseling (where he will not talk or says everything is fine) to disciplining him, to no avail. His father is no help as he blames me as he always has. We have been divorced since my son was three years old. I am a professional with three university degrees which I did while raising my kids as a single parent. I have given my kids the best life I can. Now all I get is abuse. It is sad but I really feel worn out and hopeless.
all you can do is be the parent and do the right thing.
see how he is in several years.
i wasnt mean like this to my mother, but i was the brooding-leave-me-alone teen.
sometime around when i was, oh, 23 or 24 i started understanding what my mother did for me.
i know hes big. i know hes intimidating. i think all you can do is demand respect from him. in time he will either come around or not.
you cant bear guilt about this. youve done a good job. just because he treats you poorly doesnt mean you havent done a good job. teenage years are killer, and hes more out of control than many... but he is choosing to do this.
at the end of the day you need to look at yourself and ask are you meeting your obligations as a parent and have you loved your son. your answer is yes. you have nothing more to answer for.
give him time and continue to demand respect. hopefully he will, in time, recognize what youve given him.
some people never seem to get past this phase. some do.
Speaking as a mother of a teenager I sympathise, the slamming doors, the rude mouth, the sometimes unforgivable answerbacks.
A couple of ideas which you may or may not want to try.
Have you tried the 'packing his bags trick'?
Next time it gets too much, get a big bag and get his his clothes and put them in the bag and tell him to find someone else to look after him?
The way your post is worded sounds like you and he underneath it all have had a very caring relationship in the past and he would be shocked by that tactic. A friend did this and I never thought I would do it till I found myself doing it. I was angry with myself until it worked!
Another thought is to write your son a letter. Tell him exactly what you do for him and how he is making you feel. Kids don't listen to us when you talk/shout at them and they switch off. But if you give him the letter and ask him to read it, he may take stock of it and acknowledge how much you do for him and appreciate you a little more.
Just a last word which may help. A friend's son is 19 and when another friend was having a hard time with her son, this 19 year old said to me, "Don't worry, another couple of years and he'll grow out of it". I liked that.
You have allowed your son to assume the position of the Alpha Male, when in fact you are the Alpha Female. You must reassert your rightlul status. Labman could provide sage advice from his experience with canines. I think the principles are pretty much the same. If he threatens you physically, call the authorities and have him thrown in the slammer. He is behaving like a brute who has not learned proper respect for his mother who provides for him. Get all the backup from friends, co-workers, authorities etc. that you can muster and put him in his place. I wish you all the best.
Honey my heart goes out to you but as a parent myself, yes a single mother of 2 adult sons now let me tell you something
As a teen my oldest was 6'0 and weighed almost as much as your son yes those older teen years are tough to deal with .. BUT YOU must act and show who is in control not him showing you..IF you put your foot down and say enough and the next time he starts this crap with you knock his feet out from under him ..trust me it works cause they are looking up thinking WOW SHE MEANS BUSINESS.
NOW you may be smaller than him but heck i am only 5'5 and only weighed at time 120 but that along with my tone of voice left no room for any crap out of him.
If you cannot control him and he has no respect then (i have said this to others) send him to boot camp let him learn once and for all that YOU DEMAND AND EXPECT RESPECT ..HE IS THE CHILD AND IS OUT OF CONTROL.
NOW hunny get that backbone rigid and stick to this..he is not the only child you have to focus on and if dad don't like it then tough diddley beans..let dad take him or it is off to bootcamp.
When I saw just the title of your thread I thought: SINGLE MOM.Bad marriage...Ugh!
I feel for you.
Your son is not mad at you. He is mad at your Ex. (he may blame you for the divorce but i think the inability to express himself to his dad is the issue). But he cannot tell him, so you have to take it. Classic Psych 101.
It SUCKS! Some young males are not wired that way, but some just are and are gonna challenge you.
So what do you do?
Since he's not a small child, you cannot simply "lay down the law" with a raised voice. You must sit down with him "man to man" and tell him that you love him and you are sorry that his dad is not there, and you want him to succeed in life. But you cannot accept his disrespect anymore.
You love him, but you want him to get into college, get a good job and you're doing all you can. Then I would ask him WHAT he hates about you and can you address it? He may not be used to that sort of peer respect and dialogue.
Just let him know that you ( and/or realtives, cops, counselor) will immediately deal with the things that are disrespectful - and every good action wil be rewarded and every bad action will be punished...really.
you may literally have to start taking things away bit by bit. he may see that his world has consequences and dates, cars, friends, clothes, allowance, trips may be going away - and HE is to blame. if you cannot enforce this, get help. you and he cannot live like that.
Also, if you can afford a family therapist i would seek one ASAP.
He wants your love and negative attention is what he feeds of for now. If he allows himself to be respectful and affectionate, he thnks he will be forgiving his father and acccepting his reality - and he cannot let that go. That is a heavy burden to carry and he wants to let it go. But it could take him YEARS without counseling. One day a lightbulb WILL go off in him though.....
Mmm..
That theory figures sophia3x..
Sounds like, if you cant hurt the one you hate... Hurt the one your with..
But unfortunately you see that behaviour beginning in even younger children..
Just a question Mama Bear, have you asked him why hes so aggressive toward you?
What was his response?
I know it would be wrong but beat his let him know who is in charge.Don't let him called you a ho and all type of names.Just tell him if he don't start respecting you then he is going to have to leave..You let him know he is not paying no bills or nothing but i hope this helps....
I feel badly for you I have a 15 year old daughter who is a nightmare to live with, the only time she's nice to me is when she wants something and as soon as she gets it she goes back to being herself. I dont know where everyone is from but in CT you cant kick a 16 year old out of the house, although they can come and go and you are responsible for them until the age of 18. Have you tried any programs with the school? They may be able to help with resources - good luck I will pray for you
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