Hi I am new here. This looks like a great place to come to commiserate or to learn from other parents. Today I wanted to ask what is a reasonable hour that a 20 year old should be home. She is on summer break now. She thinks coming in at 2 or 3 is acceptable since most of her friends work at restaurants and don't get out of work til 10:00 or 11:00 nightly. They go to each others houses. Last night she said that some boys kept walking by where she was sitting, throwing white dust on her. It was kind of grainy. She said she had trouble swallowing after that. She is out again tonight at someones house and said not to expect her home til 2:00. Should I make some boundaries or is it too late? Thank you so much for any thoughts you have. vickimarie
It is your house, so you have to lay the rules out flat. If you feel an 11 pm curfew is fair, then that is the way it is. She is not a child, but an adult living under her parents' roof. You need to make it clear what is acceptable and what is not. I feel I would set a limit of midnight for any adult planning to stay at my home. For someone immature or someone who brought friends, I'd go earlier. At the end of the day, she is living in your home, and the person with the ultimate right and ultimate responsibility is YOU. So only you can decide what is appropriate. I say put the guidelines out there, and be willing to send her packing if she doesn't have a REALLY good reason for abiding by them.
I remember having similar issues with my parents when I was in highschool and college over curfews.
I personally think that at 20 years old she should be mature enough and responsible enough to stay out until 2 or 3 am. You didn't indicate that she was out doing anything dangerous or harmful while she is out. Also, remember that you can still get into plenty of trouble at any hour of the day if that is what you are looking to do.
I also worked in restaurants, and so did my friends. By the time we got off work it was 11 or 12, but we were wound up and wanted to hang out and have fun.
I don't think you need to come down on her or set a specific curfew if she isn't doing anything bad. It sounds to me like she just wants to spend the time she can being with her friends and having fun.
At 20 years old, she is a young woman. Soon she'll be living on her own, and she needs to start learning to be responsible and make good choices for herself and not because she is being told to.
I hope this helps. And though it may be hard to believe (I know my parents were skeptical and it caused a lot of fighting), just because she is out late doesn't mean she is doing something bad. If it will ease your mind, ask her to get a cell phone if she doesn't have one so you can call her if you get worried.
Hello, What are the circumstances that your daughter is living with you? Is it an agreement that you have or is there some other reason.
You mentioned that some guys were throwing white powder on her. Maybe you should set down and talk to her more about this. There has to more to this story, could you elaborate on it? If you or she thinks that they were throwing drugs or something on her, (I dont know of anyone who throws elicit drugs around as they are very expensive, unless you are thinking of something else maybe, what else could it have been?)
Curfews are for minors, but maybe its more acceptable to ask her to come home at a respectable hour, as you sound like you are waiting up for her) Is the time she is coming home a problem or what you think she may be doing while she is gone?
I disagree. There is an amount of respect that is due to anyone who is housing you, and a curfew is one. Coming and going at all hours is disruptive and worrying. If this 20 year old wants to do as she pleases, she should rent her own place.
my daughter lives with my husband and I while she is attending community college. If she wants to she can go to a four year college we have already promised we will cover costs. we gave her a safe car to get to and from school.She changed friends almost weekly. She is petite and very pretty. She drives to parties alone where she meets up with friends. She has to negotiate dark winding country roads. She loves her car and is a careful driver. She drives alone because she is independent. She said in the other room that were cooking the white stuff.
thanks to everyone for the kind advice i appreciate it and all of you. She is still not home but I must go to work at 7 so will try and get a little sleep. thank you so much i am so glad you were up and willing to help me . vickimarie
Well I dont mean that she doesnt need to come home at a decent time, I just meant a set curfew will make her feel juvenile. But yes she does need to go by your rules, if you have them for her.
The only white thing I can think of someone cooking is meth. But I think its actually kind of clear. Her having different friends from week to week would make me wonder.
If you have to work early mornings she doesnt need to keep you up worrying, you should tell her how you feel, and just ask her to come home in time for you to get to sleep or tell her to stay in one place. It doesnt sound like she is really hanging around the right people, but maybe you should just try talking to her about it first.
If you are providing her with a vehicle and a roof over her head as well as her education you have the right to ask her to come in at a respectable hour. Does she not work??? If not, she should!
Quite frankly I get bad vibes from your post. You can't run her life for her, but, if she was boarding in someone else's home I am sure they wouldn't put up with her coming in at 2 or 3 in the morning. I also wonder if her story about the boys throwing white powder on her is a cry for help and control. Apparently, she is still having trouble controlling her own life right now.
I would approach this with love, care and concern while at the same time asserting your need for respect. Tell her that if she opts to work and move out, you will support her decision, but as long as you are supporting her financially, she needs to abide by your rules.
This seems like a tough one because she is an adult and yet she lives in your house. My baby sister lived with our parents til she was married at 24. And I know that there were times that she was out all hours of the night, but as a general rule she was usually home at a decent hour. But if she is a student when does she have time to study???? What about just telling her why you dont want her coming home at 2am?? Although I do understand how restaraunt work is and if she and her friends dont get off work til midnight then it may feel like 5pm to them.
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