Hi I am new here. This looks like a great place to come to commiserate or to learn from other parents. Today I wanted to ask what is a reasonable hour that a 20 year old should be home. She is on summer break now. She thinks coming in at 2 or 3 is acceptable since most of her friends work at restaurants and don't get out of work til 10:00 or 11:00 nightly. They go to each others houses. Last night she said that some boys kept walking by where she was sitting, throwing white dust on her. It was kind of grainy. She said she had trouble swallowing after that. She is out again tonight at someones house and said not to expect her home til 2:00. Should I make some boundaries or is it too late? Thank you so much for any thoughts you have. vickimarie
Well again this is tough, it is your house and you can have house rules, but after all of my boys reached 18, I set it as 2 pm on weekends and 12 during the week. They were allowed to stay out all night of course if they merely told me, since they were adults.
I am in a similar situation with a 19 yo home for the summer. We talked when she first got home about our rules and did not set a curfew but discuss each event and what time she feels she will be home. I still ask her to check in occasionally and to call when she is leaving a friends house so I know when to expect her. I explained that while I know she she came and went as she pleased in the dorm, that while home I feel responsible for her safety. SInce I don't sleep well until she is home we agreed that when she arrives she will wake me and let me know she is home so I can sleep sound. Hope this helps.
I remember having similar issues with my parents when I was in highschool and college over curfews.
I personally think that at 20 years old she should be mature enough and responsible enough to stay out until 2 or 3 am. You didn't indicate that she was out doing anything dangerous or harmful while she is out. Also, remember that you can still get into plenty of trouble at any hour of the day if that is what you are looking to do.
OH MY GOD..... I am a twenty year old daughter of parents who are WAY over protective. I was at a party recently (4 days ago actually) and I left my house at 10 pm with my fiance that I'm going to marry in September, I told my parents I was going to a party at some of my fiance's friends house. They asked me what time I would be home, I told them I didn't know. They stared at me like I was crazy and it freaking annoys the hell outta me.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself, and then you decide if coming home at 5 in the morning is ok (important:: this is the first time in 2 months that I come home after midnight). I go to UNLV, I am a full time student right now doing summer classes. I am almost done with my bachelors degree, maintaining a steady 3.4 GPA, and obviously not missing any homework assignments or ditching classes. I work at the family business- the Alien Fresh Jerky store in Baker, California EVERY weekend (we live in las vegas). I am about to get married, so I have all my wedding plans going and for those of you who are parents, I'm sure you understand the situation I am in because I assume you are married and had to go through all that wedding planning too, and it is so aggravating when ONE thing goes wrong.. I was a confirmation teacher until April of this year going once a week for 2 hours (its a catholic class). The last time I got together with any of my friends like for a birthday or anything was last year for my birthday in August. I have 2 younger siblings and one older. my youngest little brother is 11 years old, and yes, I take the time sometimes to go look at his pet turtle and tease him about why he got such a slow animal, but I also talk to the turtle cuz everytime it gets asked a question it seems to understand and nod its head.. lol. I also play videogames with him, and watch all his cool little pivot game things that he does on the computer- he's getting better at it too! So, I'm a good sister, right? ok, so I don't want to go into too much more detail, so that's the short little biography of me.
Now you tell me, am I MATURE enough to know what time to come home, to know if a party is not good for me then I can leave? My parents KNEW I was going to that party with my fiance, they KNOW he's going to marry me, so OBVIOUSLY he MUST care about me a lot... am I just overreacting? I feel they are WAY overprotective of me. They said i need to be 21 to be able to do whatever I want; I don't think so, I think that a number does not matter, I think you have to look at the person and the decisions she makes and judge on the maturity of them to help you decide what age is appropriate.
It was a really cool party, we listened to some music, played some beer pong (I actually played with smirnoff because I don't like beer), met some cool people and even invited one of them to the wedding (she's been a friend of my fiance's for a while now, she just wasnt on the list yet, but now she is!) I was having fun... until my dad called me at 4 and ORDERED me to come home and to tell him where I was (which I had already told him I was at a friends of my fiance's) and that I was not yet 21.
If you email me your responses that would be great.
Parents, Please, just look at your child and his/her life and THEN decide what time (IF ANY) to give them as curfew, don't let your children hate you for making them leave a fun party early. If your worry is that they will get into drugs- make them take a drug test as soon as they get home! I heard you can buy them at walgreens.. thats what my fiance suggests we do to our kids someday.
MATURITY is NOT an age. Maturity is making choices that will affect your life in a positive way.
I agree with a lenient curfew. My daughter would come home at all hours of the night or the next morning and I almost always had knots in my stomach worrying and not being able to fall asleep.
I even think it is just plain common curtesy for ANY family member to let the other members of your family under your roof have a general idea of what your doing. I even hate it when my bf just walks out the door and I have no idea where he went or when he is coming back.
The way I see it is if they are just out hanging around or whatever 11 or midnight should be good and if they want to stay out later they should call and let you know.
If they have something special they want to go to that is going on after midnight then add about an hour or two onto the time it is over.
Helicopter parenting is destroying generation Y. It is proven that Gen Y is unable to hold jobs, unable to plan for their future, unable to save, and unable to be self sufficient. One of these reasons is that for some reason their parents are all overprotective, do everything for them, set all the ground rules, and do not allow them to be self sufficient.
Children need to slowly grow up. There are a few things in here that worry me. One thing that worries me is I don't think she's being straightforward with you as to "whats going on". At the same time I don't think she's getting in trouble. I have to venture to guess that she doesn't feel comfortable communicating honestly with you.
Ground rules are acceptable- but don't set the ground rules. Some people on here have said "its your house- your rules"- no, its your duty as a parent to help your daughter grow. She's not magically an adult at age 18- nothing magic happens on that day- maturity and age do not coincide perfectly.
So sit down with her and decide together at the ground rules. Now you have rules, you hae requirements, you both know what expectations are, but shes not being babied.
consider other options- in Highschool, my friends all went out until 2/3 AM. My parents would not allow that, but what they did allow is that I could have friends OVER until 2/3 AM. Now I had 8-10 people over frequently. My parents would pop down with drinks or snacks occaisonally to "check" on us, but we never did anything wrong- never drank, no drugs, nothing. Not only did it help me, i helped keep those 8-10 others out of trouble too.
I'm not saying thats what you should do, but don't hesitate to think outside of the box. Work together with your daughter to help her grow and learn to be self sufficient. Give her some say in the matter, but come together to reach an agreement. She needs you!
Well I'm 24 my brother is 23...I moved back home with my parents because my salary got cut plus i live in southern california...I contribte to my paents household pay my own bills and working to move out ASAP...I hated having to come back home but had no choice (what was i suppose to do, sleep in car?) If your child isnt geting in trouble, you know her friends and their parents and IF shes responsible, tell her, let her know tht as long as she isnt doin dumb things like ( sleeping round in ur house, making lots of noise when she comes home, and lets u knows who shes wit and where) then ur cool about her hanging out....trust me ...i had way more respect for my parents house and there wishes and as long as they didnt smother me or trip f i went to a party that ened at two and i got in the house at 330....who cares as long as shes taking care of her business, not in trouble or having babies then stop worrying and let her live her life....
Most people in their early 20s go through the staying out until 4 in the morning phase and most outgrow it by their mid to late 20s once age and responsibility kicks in.
Most people in their early 20s go through the staying out until 4 in the morning phase and most outgrow it by their mid to late 20s once age and responsibility kicks in.
Wow... I know this thread is old but a curfew at 20... seriously?
I had moved out at the age of 19, how is she ever going to learn how to become a responsible adult if she has to rely on "mummy" to tell her how to do everything.
The only thing my parents requested was a courtesy call so they knew that I was ok if I was going out into town, if I was at a friends house they trusted me enough to make my own judgements.
Hey im 20years old. I think aslong as you have a mature daughter, it would be a good idea for her to be home at around 230 or 3. depending when the bars close in your town. Anything later than that is trouble lol.
When an adult child is living with their parents, two things need to be remembered: #1, the parents own the house. #2, the "child" is not a child, and should not be so treated.
As the owner of the house, it is perfectly reasonable to create rules. As an adult, it is perfectly reasonable to come home as you please. As an adult, however, it is expected that you respect the rules and the people with whom you cohabit.
My friends seemed to think that my parents never laid down any rules in their house; they would be so wrong. My parents had rules. They also let us debate them as we got older. By the time I was 16, my parents pretty much let me set my own limits because they trusted me to make reasonable decisions. I was allowed to stay out as long as I'd like because I understood the consequences of not making it home in time to sleep and wake up to go to school or work (Mommie was NOT my alarmclock.) I understood the consequences of leaving the house without my cellphone (the consequence being my dad would call my friend's phone to find me, and then pick me up to go home at 8pm for bedtime. Awkwardddd.) I understood the consequence of not telling my parents where I expected to be and how late I would be out (my mother nonchalantly told me one day that if she ever wondered where I was, she would pretend she was in a panic and call the cops. I don't know if she was joking... Awkwardddddd.)
Bottom line was, as long as I didn't give my parents a reason to go "crazy", they wouldn't. Sounds fair to me.
My parent's don't ask me where I'm going or how late, usually, but it's an unwritten mandatory rule that I tell them when I am out of state or going into the city-- yes, even today while I own my own house, haha.
One of my friends who still lives with her mother has to wake her mother up and say good night before she goes to bed, just so that she knows she's arrived home safely. If I was still living at home and my parents asked me to do that, that doesn't sound unreasonable. It's also reasonable to say before she goes out for the night, "Good bye, I'll be home at X o'clock." Then, either come home when she says she will, or call to check in if the ETA home changes.
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