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My oldest daughter is 18 1/2 and has been in a mentally abusive relationship that did end finally. It became very ugly. I took her to an abuse center to talk to them it didn't do much good and we have had a therapist involved with her ever since. The kicker is that she is going back to him now. We are extremely distressed and at a loss as to what to do. Her being 18 is the biggest problem as far as what our options are. She lives at home and is technically still a highschool senior. We have always homeschooled, she is taking a couple of courses at our community college and is wanting to act and be treated as an adult. She lies to us and is not able to make good choices concerning herself. The young man is 21 and lives with his parents and has a list of mental issues, depression and anxiety. He finally started taking meds but now has decided to up his alcohol consumption. I have explained to her how dangerous this is but she "knows" and chooses to ignore the warnings. The therapist told us to impose boundaries on what would be acceptable to us like how often they see each other and for how long to start with until everyone was more comfortable and we could see he had changed as she wants us to believe. He doesn't come over and we don't see or talk to him at all. She goes in her room and shuts the door, all secret like, when he calls and won't say anything to us about them. He has been calling her in the middle of the nights for months off and on and robbing her of her sleep. I have told her how disrespectable this is of him but she thinks it's just wonderful. We finally had to tell her to put her cell phone out of her room at night with the rest of the families (we pay for it) EVERY night I have to go to her room and get it myself. We told her she could see him twice a week and for no longer than four hours at a time for now. These things were decided with the input from the therapist. She came home an hour late yesterday for the second time since she started to see him again. We told her that she had lost car privileges (our car she doesn't have her own.) except for getting to school and wouldn't see him for one week because of that. She became very angry (of course) and is researching moving out now. She also told me that he wants her to go to another state with him for a three year program he has been offered by a job. He finally has a job after 2+ years of not. Don't know if it will last because of his temper and lack of respect for others. He is a real creep!!! How do I help her and how do I stop this from hurting my other 3 children this is starting to erode the foundation of our family and is a terrible burden to carry every day. My health and patience with my other children is starting to crumble and I feel like a failure as a parent and SO helpless to stop the whole mess from spiraling out of control. The others are upset and can't stand to hear us fight ( i am trying to curb that and stay calmer at least on the outside.) She is irrational some of the time and very volatile if he sets her off. She wants to blame us because he tells her it's us and we are the problem. Typical abuser behaviour isolate and cut off the victim from family and friends. He is text book classic in many ways. Insane jealousy, possesive, (she can't go to her brothers games or out with the family without him erupting into a cruel dialog on her phone during the outings. Telling her he's breaking up that he can't trust her and she is having affairs with everyone he can think of. That going with us isn't good for them. ect.
Sorry so Long I am so lost and frightened for her and the fabric of my family. Help!
Deep down, she will respect his making the effort to protect and nurture her. He is also the person to put the nasty boyfriend in his place.
He must follow through with building a relationship with his daugher, and there are many people who can help him with advise and support, such as a pastor, a therapist, an older man who is respected for his wisdom.
When your husband takes over that will relieve stress on you, so you can nurture other members of the family.
She is 18. She will leave. He is telling her she has rights, the law will tell her she has rights. You will lose contact completely if you alienate her further. Cell phones are cheap at walmart, you can't keep an 18 year old young woman away from what she wants to do. No amount of pleading will make her see what a mistake she will be making. The therapist is not the one who will lose a daughter. You will. You have done everything you can. Hope and pray that she will see him for what he is on her own, if not, she will pay the price as all adults have to do. The more he can use your opposition to lure her away , the less chance there is of her seeing through him. The more you criticize him, the more protective of him she will be. Remember, she will pull away as long as you keep pulling in the opposite direction.
Let her talk to him, it will lose it's luster after a while. Let her see him a little more often. Better than running off right now. The grass will remain greener as long as it is forbidden. Let her know she can confide in you so you know if it becomes abusive. Hold on to your marriage and don't let this ruin your health or family.
Remember, we have to let go,Hon. I know, all four of mine are grown and out, but not gone. They put us through every wringer that kids can do, I am not just talkin' theory here. I am not saying you are not in the right, only that not all battles can be won. Sometimes you have to concede. No one said parenthood is for sissies.
Much love and good luck to you
While I agree with cerisa, as long as she lives in your home and you are financially responsible for her, she needs to obey the rules of the house.
Is the father living at home, what is he saying and doing about this situation? And have you talked with this guy's family?
Yes, My Husband (her father) is part of her life and here with us. He is as much at a loss as I am and probably even more hurt and confused as I am. He has kind of left me in the fore front because she and I have always been a little closer than he and her. I am in that gray area between both your posts. I feel she should respect the rules we have especially since she has 3 younger sibs watching her actions. I also see the need to let her learn on her own what is good and what is bad. Your right, a very tough road and very complicated by emotions!
I am extra sensitive right now due to a murder of an 18 year old girl, by a boyfriend who matches my daughter's boyfriend in personality description. It was a local news story. Please accept my gratitude I am so alone on this and haven't anyone close to confide in! I hate to distress my hubby more by going on and on about my fears and lack of ability to handle this.
I think your husband needs to play a larger role in this. Start doing things with her, maybe have a talk with this guy. Have you spoken with this guy's parent's recently?
She is still living in your home, being supported by you, she must obey the rules.
Although I do agree with the husband needing to show more authority in the situation, BOTH need to get a grip on what is going on.
My 21 year old daughter has played both of us for years, but in the end, who is the 'victor',the parents that can be there for their kids through thick and thin,Bad decision making is a rite of passage,didn't we all make a few decisions our family's wouldn't think too highly of?
At 21 mine has finally stated the boyfriend(which I knew was NOT right for her) was just not what she wanted(hmmm,did she grow a little from her experience?) and was I there for her when she confided in me this revelation?( I was so proud of her that she could see this and express it to ME!)
Does this make it bearable while she went through this ordeal, NONE THE LEAST,to put it lightly.
It has been explained to me as separation, separating my wants( as a parent) and her needs(as...immature teenager?)I did my best to parent her to the first stages of adulthood, now she MUST make some decisions on her own,I'll be there if she falls,and there if she succeeds.Either way I will love her forever.
Tough love and the feelings of abandonment are common hangups parents go through, we are human.
I would try what was suggested above about letting go, give her the rope, let her learn her way in life, without alienating her from yourselves, she loves you, let her learn that on her own.At 18 she can make her way in life, if she won't follow your rules, invite her to make a life away from you(When they know it all, let them live it all)You'll hate yourselves for it in the beginning,but think of how much she'll learn on her own, lifes lessons are a powerful motivator.
I am just rambling now, but I do hope you see something you'll get from this,
It is your house, you are paying the bills and the cell phone, etc.... so change the rules. Tell her if she wants to be treated like an adult she has to pay the adult price...rent, her own cell phone, respecting your curfew. Don't ask where she has been when she goes out. Simply state that if she wants to continue to live with you, these are the rules. She can choose to abide by them, or you can place her things out on the porch for her collection. i know it sounds hard and cruel, but if she is determined to have the privileges of an adult while sponging off of you, she also needs a dose of reality, which means the financial responsibility no real adult gets to escape.
My only concern is that you are dealing with an emotionally unstable teen. But if she does not respect the rules, you may have to let her go and learn the hard way.
I still would like to know if the father has concisdered having a talk with this boy. How long has this relationship been going on?
I am a little older than your daughter (26) but have been in a very abusive relationship since I was 19.
Show her this website, maybe, just maybe, it will help her to think about what she is going into. I just found it this week, and since then I've taken it upon myself to get counseling to help me outline my steps to make my goals to leave this man. What's worse is we have children. I have counseling for them too. and it's FREE. I don't know what area you live in, but please research, research, research! I'm sure you will as you sound like a wonderful mom.
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