College age daughter is disrespectful and ungrateful.

singlemom64 · #1 Mar 20, 2008, 09:20 AM

(I accidentally posted this in the "teen" section so I'm re-posting here. Sorry - new to this whole thing.......)

HELP.

I've been a single mom for almost 10 years and I have single-handedly raised my almost 19-year-old daughter. She is in college now, living in an off-campus apartment, majoring in a medical field.

Just a little while ago, we had yet another argument over the phone about money and rules. Every weekend when she comes home, she sleeps almost all day and then meets up with her friends from her hometown at night. She doesn't do drugs or drink. She does smoke, though, against my wishes.

I pay for her tuition, her rent, her car insurance (she drives my old car which is paid for), her groceries, basically everything. She does not have a job. I was okay with that because she needs daily tutoring in some of her subjects and I didn't want her to be stressed out, worrying about bills, during some of these extremely difficult classes.

However, she is not doing so well in school and is not pursuing the extra help like she should.

She told me she's lonely, and wants to bring her two friends from home to this college and they can all share an apartment together off campus. It looks like this is going to happen because the friends have taken the entrance exams and passed. They are actually apartment hunting today.

My daughter has been extremely disrespectful toward me every weekend - throwing profanities at me, especially - and it's all because I ask her to help out at home with her 3pets, to visit her grandmother, etc.

Her grandmother - my mom - has been fighting cancer for 2 years, and she is now in Hospice care. I'm the POA and the only daughter taking care of her despite having two older siblings. That's another story, though.

So, today my daughter told me that she and her 2 potential new roommates are planning on adopting a couple dogs when they get their new rental house. I told her it would be a mistake - a huge mistake - because she doesn't have a job, (I would be supporting yet another pet), she needs time to study and get extra tutoring, etc. She accused me of trying to control her life and said "Just tell me whether or not you'll still pay for my tuition and rent."

Her sarcastic, disrespectful attitude is getting to me. With my mom dying in a matter of days, I am just breaking down every single day in grief. I don't understand why my daughter can't back off and just wait on pet ownership. She already left me with her two cats and a hamster which I take care of. I have a small dog, too.

Am I being unfair to tell her no, I will not support another pet because it is going to take all of your spare time and any extra money you may earn (hopefully) to take care of it? She keeps saying she's almost 19 and I'm being extremely unfair. This weekly stress is taking its toll on me and I just can't take it anymore.

Thank you for any advice - I'm at my wit's end.

twinkiedooter · Mar 20, 2008, 09:32 AM

I answered someone else who had a similar situation where the child went all expenses paid to college and acted like a jerk to the parent. Why are you totally funding her in her adventures into being a grown up without her financial input? College should be something that is earned by the child - not just given to them on a silver platter. You paying for everything is wonderful - but not very conducive to daughter learning the "hard" way to grow up. Even if she had a part time job in the evening it would show that she is serious about growing up and learning that all is not fun and games. Moving off campus with her pals is a sure fire receipe for mayhem. Getting pets in a rental home spells more mayhem. Who's going to pay for the pet damage? You? Sure hope not.

For starters she needs to buckle down and get the help with her studies. If her grades don't improve - then you and your financial backing needs serious second thoughts from YOU about continuing this help. Only child or not - she sounds like she is spoiled. My mom never bought me a car (or gave me her old one either). I had to earn and buy my own car, pay my own insurance, etc. The more you give another person no matter how well intentioned the gesture is - the MORE and more the other person wants. Sad but true. Her bad attitude and behavior towards you right now proves my point. What would she do if you held back her grocery money, say, and made her earn her own food money? She must learn the lesson of work = rent money, food money, car money, insurance money, clothes money. Right now it seems that she has everything handed to her and her surly attitude shows that she is resentful of you for all of this. Better she learn how the real world operates now before she is 25 years old and totally clueless as mommy has paid for everything for her.

Shell_Lee · Mar 20, 2008, 09:35 AM

No you are not being unfair. I completely agree with you on this.

The problem with kids usually between the age of 18-21 is this: They know they are old enough to be called an adult and want the freedom that comes along with it. BUT..... they still want mommy and daddy's help. I believe that you are doing a really good job of mixing both. I would have been EXTREMELY happy if my mom paid for my tuition and rent in college.

I know you want your daughter to do well in school (and I don't blame you) but I think she is going to want to do well in school for herself.

If she keeps saying that she is almost 19 and you are being unfair then you tell her to get a job! Tell her that, "Yes she is 19, and she is the one being disrespectful and unfair to you!"

On a side note: she's going to have a hard time finding a house to rent in a college town that will accept dogs without jumping the rent cost greatly!

luvmylab · Mar 20, 2008, 10:02 AM

Reading your post made me think about my college years!! (I feel so bad for my parents now). One of the issues you and your daughter are having is that when she is at school she can do what she pleases and doesn't have to ask or tell anyone. But when she's home you expect her to tell you(and she should). My parents and I had a long long Christmas break. I went back to school and told my friends that my parents and I argued more over Christmas break then we did all through high school.

It's time for some tough love. Tell your daughter what you will and will not pay for and stick to! (PS I think having her friends at school with her will be really really bad).

You also might want to try and think of her as an adult (I know she's not acting like one but she thinks she is one). So treat her like an adult. When she ask for money tell her that she's an adult and that you are going to treat her like an adult. You are not an ATM and she needs to control her spending.

I am sorry for everything that you are going through.

Wait until she wants to move home after college!

squeaks77 · Mar 20, 2008, 10:17 AM

Cut the brat off and concentrate on your mother, sweetie! If she ends up getting kicked out of school, she can always re-enroll.

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Mar 20, 2008, 10:55 AM

Your daughter tells you that she is almost 19 and that you are being unfair...

So tell her to grow up then and lose the whiney, bratty attitude and that she is being unfair to you. Nearing 20 she is soley depending on you and at that age can mean no-breaking off into the real world.

Why can't she get a job? Don't tell me that working and going to college will kill someone because it WONT. I did it and I had NO financial help from both parents.

Please, save yourself before it gets any worse. You don't want her to be living with you until she's 30. She needs to get out and work for what she wants. If getting an apartment won't fit your budget then fine. tell her that she needs to come up with the money.

the1unv · Mar 20, 2008, 08:04 PM

I say "tuff love". I am sorry to hear about your mother. Loosing a parent is never easy! I do wonder though what would happen if your daughter lost you? The biggest and most important part of a parents job is to teach a child how to survive with out you. It sounds to me like your daughter would be lost. I know college is tuff. I went to college.....classes were from 9am till 3:30 pm..........I was at my first job by 4:00 and swept floors until 6:30.........then went to my second job and washed dishes till 11:30......then went to my 3rd job and stocked shelves till 2:30-3:00am............My parents helped me with my schooling but any thing else I wanted was my baby !! It taught me to work for what I wanted and most of all it taught me to cherish what I have. I was not very happy with my parents back then....BUT.....20 years later and I Love them so much for teaching me what life was all about. My parents and I are best friends now and I believe it all stems from their "tuff love". My wife and I now have our own construction company and it is so cool when my dad ( going on 70 years old) comes to stay with us for a week so he can "work with his son and learn something new". I say be tuff with her now and in the long run you will be much better off than if you keep handing out .
MIke

singlemom64 · Mar 20, 2008, 09:16 PM

Thank you ALL very, very much for your advice - I really appreciate it!

I am going to sit down with her this weekend and we are going to have a talk. I know it's going to be tough but I'm going to stand firm on all of it.

Thanks again -

smearcase · Mar 21, 2008, 04:42 AM

I totally agree with the previous comments. She has to pay as much of her own way as humanly possible. But, since you have been providing her support to this point I think you should cut back in phases. As she realizes you are serious she should start helping herself. Even if she doesnt, you have to stick to your guns even if that means she suffers some failures. The sooner she realizes she controls her own destiny, the better. If she has to fail and recover, the sooner she does it--the better. Your constitution will be tested as much or more than hers. Tough love is exactly right.



At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you will be able to: Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+ topics. Accept money for answers that you provide. Communicate privately with other members (PM). See fewer ads. Sign Up!