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my 12 year old step-daughter won't sleep in her own room. I don't sleep in the same room as my husband due to his snoring. She's 5'8, a B cup bra, wears tight boy shorts and a v neck tight string tank to bed spraying body spray all over before going to sleep. My four year old son sleeps in the room sometimes as well however not every time. I've asked my husband to please have a talk with her as this is not normal and is actually unhealthy. He tells me I'm over reacting that she's still a little girl and I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is. She wraps her arms around him and lays her head on his chest, she spoons him when laying down with her leg over him, she sits next to him with a skirt on and her legs draped over his and recently began calling him "daddy" instead of dad ...now the latest, she gives him for fathers day a 9x12 framed photo of her in a string bikini on the beach wearing a padded bikini top, people say it's because he has one of me on his desk in a bikini, uh where's the school or sport pictures?
...I'm just sick at the whole thing and my husbands lackadaisical approach. I am near divorce with all this, since it's just so creepy. He tells me not to blame her for what her mother has taught her to be (I don't, but he's not helping) her mom is the town tramp and dresses very [trashy] too, but c'mon this is his daughter already. He tells her to go in her room, but when she doesn't, he doesn't pursue it. People have made comments as to her behavior and more so this is why I've brought it to his attention since he is in the public eye often, somebody is going to say the wrong thing one day and he's not going to like it. Am I being ridiculous? Please help.
Children don't sleep with their parents --- The temptation is there in this case.
He may not be doing anything wrong --- But what he is doing is not right...
Many daughters have been USED by adult males... Many sons have been USED by adult females...Adults who USE children are sickos, kids will think its normal--- living in a fantasy world --- the daughter is competing for the wifes job ...
Molesters will drag society down to their level, not setting very good examples!!!
oddly enough, the mother has sent her to seek counseling for what she stated, "she's having difficulty with the divorce" fact is, they divorced when she was only 13 months old, so obviously she has issues with other things, but the father does not believe in therapist, he thinks if you can't work them out at home then you have real problems.... and yes we have a problem here. hopefully I can convince him to at least sit down with someone to discuss the real issues here. Thanks again guys.
The mother is trying to escape responsibilites of what she has helped create, by blaming it totally on a divorce. The dad is probably from the background of *keep your mouth shut what goes on in this family is our business*! and he does not like his private life discussed, (unless he is the one discussing it, that way he can make it look the way he wants it to) That way he stays in control. Just like his screaming controls you all. He is also in control when he gives you flowers, baths and nice dinner, enlist his friends help to keep you there. Abusive men give into their women just enough to keep them hanging on and then they revert back to the old ways very quickly, when they know you are not leaving. You need to wise up to the ways of abusive people. Read, talk and listen and you will learn. You will see what I mean someday, that is if your not in denial, and already know.
All right... this girl has a mother who acts like a tramp. And a dad who sees nothing wrong with her sleeping with him. Your family needs professional help, and needs it fast. I think that, no matter how much you deny it, your husband is getting _something_ out of this bizzare relationship with his daughter. How long have you been married to this man? It is possible that he has been sexually abusing his daughter before you were in the picture, and doesn't see any reason to stop. In fact, you could be "window dressing" to deflect attention, although I would expect him to be more discrete in that case.
So you need to make a decision. Do you want to stay married to this man? And when you consider that, keep in mind that you have NO power to make him change. And therefore, assume that he is going to continue with his behavior exactly like it is. Are you willing to stay conditionally? Something like "if we get counseling, I'll delay my decision for 6 months and see what happens." Or is it time to leave, if only to keep your own standards of morality? If you do decide to leave, I'd consider taking some pictures beforehand and tipping off Child Protective Services, because that girl deserves a better life than the ones her parents seem willing to give her.
The mother is trying to escape responsibilites of what she has helped create, by blaming it totally on a divorce. The dad is probably from the background of *keep your mouth shut what goes on in this family is our business*! and he does not like his private life discussed, (unless he is the one discussing it, that way he can make it look the way he wants it to) That way he stays in control. Just like his screaming controls you all. He is also in control when he gives you flowers, baths and nice dinner, enlist his friends help to keep you there. Abusive men give into their women just enough to keep them hanging on and then they revert back to the old ways very quickly, when they know you are not leaving. You need to wise up to the ways of abusive people. Read, talk and listen and you will learn. You will see what I mean someday, that is if your not in denial, and already know.
You have a valid true point here Bushg ... my husband always wants to look like he is Mr. wonderful and hasn't any problems and I hate to say it but he's a charmer in public but a screamer at home. In any event, this is what baffles me about the 12 year old, why would one be so "attracted" to a man that screams at you at such a young age ... I'd be running for the hills at that age. (my grandfather was/is my father figure growing up and never once raised his voice) It's bad enough at my age to be screamed at, but as an adult you've already figured out ways of tuning one out or walking the other way, most young ones will cry or I would think not want to come around him ... It's so odd cause she and I get along fine, but when the dad is around she clings herself to him. I'm making some calls today and getting professional help on this matter ... it's just way out of control.
Quote:
Originally Posted by froggy7
All right... this girl has a mother who acts like a tramp. And a dad who sees nothing wrong with her sleeping with him. Your family needs professional help, and needs it fast. I think that, no matter how much you deny it, your husband is getting _something_ out of this bizzare relationship with his daughter. How long have you been married to this man? It is possible that he has been sexually abusing his daughter before you were in the picture, and doesn't see any reason to stop. In fact, you could be "window dressing" to deflect attention, although I would expect him to be more discrete in that case.
Froggy thanks for your input, I don't believe there is anything going on with he and the daughter, really; I'm not completely naive to what goes on in my home, it's the inappropriate behavior coming from the daughter that mystifies me that was why I'm writing asking for answers on the topic of her always wanting to sleep in her fathers room and always clinging to him, inappropriately and he not wanting to address it the way it should be addressed or at least talk about it the way it should be talked about. (married 6 yrs) It's kind of embarrassing for me when family or friends come over asking "why is she dressed that way and why is she trying to hang all over her father like that" He'll push her away some days and say, "ok, enough ****go sit down", but most times it's his little girl and "she doesn't get any attention from her mother". She's a very spoiled 12 year old to boot, only wanting Hollister and Abercrombe or it just wont be worn. (the gram buys her all that daily along with the frequent trips) Again as I stated in a previous post, I'm making some calls today.
You know I really just think it sick. And I feel horrible for you, I really don't know how you have stuck it out this long. I would try to get them to talk to a counsler. It's just not normal behavior. I'm sure you love your husband very much and you want your marraige to work and you have been very strong through out this whole time but sometimes enough is enough.
You know I really just think it sick. And I feel horrible for you, I really don't know how you have stuck it out this long. I would try to get them to talk to a counsler. It's just not normal behavior. I'm sure you love your husband very much and you want your marraige to work and you have been very strong through out this whole time but sometimes enough is enough.
Thanks beach ....at this point, I'm not sure I truly love my husband anymore ... so many things are just not good and that's why I need to call someone today ...thanks so much for your time
wow, i didnt really read everything word for word, but I definitely think you have a serious issue on your hands Goofy. Let me know if I step out of line here, but it sounds like both you and the ex wife are 'lookers' so to say and have the bodies to flaunt. Now I dont mean that as an insult in any way, so please dont take it that way, but from the descriptions of yourself and the ex, this man has a taste for women who look good...am I correct?
So this has me thinking that this is why this girl is dressing this way- because she sees this is how to get a mans attention, and it especially works on dad. It does disturb me that she has this mentality, but if her mother was as starved for attention, then she must have learned it from her- plus her dad encourages it by accepting her into his bed.
I dont get the feeling there is anything sexual here, but all the same it is not appropriate. The father seems to want to protect her- I am thinking he may feel bad about what she has been through, divorce and whatever else has happened in between. He may also feel threatened by your views- this is his daughter and as much as you are his new wife, he doesnt want to share the parenting of her...I am not sure this is just some of the impression I have. Have you tried a different approach? Have you tried sleeping with him instead so that she will not be in there? I know my uncle snores horribly and my aunt cant sleep in the same room...but maybe you could start out in there so she will sleep in her own bed?
Are you able to talk to him and have a calm discussion about the whole situation without him getting defensive? Maybe you can ask him to sit down with his daughter, or maybe even the 3 of you and just figure out what she may be thinking...
I just know that at 12 is such a sensitive age- she is trying to identify herself as a person and feel out where she fits in....I just remember being awkward and I actually had a strong attachment to my stepfather at that time (though I certainly did not sleep with him). My thing was that I wanted to watch TV and I would give him back rubs all the time...just to be with him. My mother was not around at the time, so I was seeking attention where I could get it...but I know there was nothing perverse about the situation.
I dont think there is anything perverse as far as the father goes. I think the daughter is very confused and identifying men as a way to get what she wants. Maybe you can find something online about teenage girls and their sexuality, and talk to her dad in a way that he wont think you are trying to attack his parenting, but that you dont want her to be confused. Ensure him you think he is a good dad, but she is at the age when things need to change, and he is the only one who can guide her to be a stronger and wiser woman...
These are just some thoughts off the top of my head. I hope everything comes out okay. I would hate to see a marriage end over all this. This girl needs some help either way- she is going to become obsessed with getting attention from men...and well the average girl does that already too much... she may be overboard.
wow, this man has a taste for women who look good...am I correct?
So this has me thinking that this is why this girl is dressing this way- because she sees this is how to get a mans attention, and it especially works on dad. It does disturb me that she has this mentality, ...
Are you able to talk to him and have a calm discussion about the whole situation without him getting defensive? Maybe you can ask him to sit down with his daughter, or maybe even the 3 of you and just figure out what she may be thinking...
...I dont think there is anything perverse as far as the father goes. I think the daughter is very confused and identifying men as a way to get what she wants...
...This girl needs some help either way- she is going to become obsessed with getting attention from men...and well the average girl does that already too much... she may be overboard.
Best Wishes!
How enlightening to hear a different viewpoint s2tp ... You hit on a lot of important points that make sense and I truly appreciate your input on this matter ... and in answer to your questions,
1. I've tried to have a calm discussion with my husband, however he becomes enraged at the very beginning [of any conversation it seems] He doesn’t handle confrontation well.
2, he is very protective of his daughter, however he won't pick her up for a month if she and the mother gang up on him ... it's his way of punishing her ... stupid and infantile, I know. I asked that we try and get full custody but he said daughters should be with their mothers …uh not in that environment.
3, I realize I have a rather juvenile husband; I don't think the public sees this because he is such a charmer with his refined demeanor outside the home.
4. Several years ago I noticed the daughter rubbing herself, I immediately asked what she was doing when she of course responded with, "nothing" why? I just know it has to be something she's seen at the mother's house given the information we've received (from the recent x husband and other boyfriends) sick thing is, I was told (by a prefessional) it was natural for a child to touch themselves ...however now she's not such a little child anymore.
5. My husband does prefer a looker, I often accuse him of being rather shallow. I don't dress too sexy or trashy if you will; I try to dress classy but not matronly; I'll wear a long t-shirt to sleep in too so why the daughter feels she needs to dress that way around our home is silly.
6, the mother does dress for attention, and boy does she get it. And not to sway from the subject entirely, but she might resemble a Kim Bassinger but more worn from sun and bars with maybe a triple F chest. I will admit, she was very pretty 10-15 years ago when I knew her. But several surgeries later, she's not as cute. The mother will often call me [at home] and make remarks about my new vehicle, my new business, something about my boys, my saying something to her daughter, etc. just nonsense items. I generally do not respond, as it's just her way of trying to get to me. They have been divorced nearly 11 years already.
7. I truly believe you are right with his daughter being confused and using the [wrong] approach to get the male's attention. I'm just very creeped out at how she is with her father. And I swear on my life it has nothing to do with jealousy. Father's day was the last straw when several people dropped their jaw at the picture she gave of herself in a bikini, then having worn a short short skirt draping her legs over her fathers legs was just about all the family and friends could stand. He ended up tearing the picture into three and throwing it across the floor asking, "does this make you feel better"? He just doesn’t get it. Sometimes I almost believe the mother and grandmother are pushing her to do this even more. It's really all too creepy for me and that is why I continue to seek outside opinions from everyone. Again, Thank you so much for your time.
I think your gut feelings are correct, and you should seek help in rectifying this situation. I can only wish you the best and hope you come to a solution as to what to do with your dysfuntional husband, and his wayward daughter.
It sounds like she is mimicking what her mother does, and maybe its an added bonus that you are ousted because of his response to you. I dont know- this sounds like such a triangle of issues. My first thought is to talk to him, but it sounds like you have tried that approach several times now. Is it possible that you are attacking his way of raising his children and that is why he gets so defensive? I am somewhat familiar with the type of guy you have painted him to be- and well I must give you lots of credit for dealing with it for so long, I dont have much patience for that kind of attitude (being automatically defensive and resorting to yelling to get his way). Not me, I would have already left- but then I have never been in love with a guy like that, so I guess I really dont know what I would do in a situation like that.
So have you bonded with the girl at all? does she have other girlfriends that are like her- dressing and acting like she does? Does she dress like this at school?
I guess if you feel like approaching the father is a dead end, maybe you can reach the daughter and become a friend to her- and try to coach her in how to be a woman. Of course I do not suggest down talking her mother- that will certainly only bring hostility, but you say she likes you so she should look up to you in some ways as to how she behaves. It sucks she spends so much time with her mother who seems to be a bad influence, but if you feel up to it, maybe you can counter act those influences.
Maybe you can talk to her about sex, and ask her what she thinks or knows....I dont know how comfortable you are with her, but she is obviously exploring her body and experiencing changes in her body and mind. It really worries me that her mother is so openly sexual and not seeming to care about her daughters actions.
So I saw earlier that you were going to call somebody- I think I missed it, but are you going to seek professional help for how to deal with this yourself, or are you going to try to get someone else to intervene? I hope that whatever it is helps the situation and doesnt blow it out of proportion. Really I wish the father could see what his daughter is turning into...
I went ahead and looked up some sites which might interest you...just maybe you can get your husband to look at them too- though he sounds so stubborn I doubt it.
"FATHER - DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS" - A Dr's site and a question from a father who is concerned with the publics view on is relationship with his daughter
There are many more sites, so it looks to be a common problem. I guess you are just going to have to think hard and figure out how you feel you can handle this the best way. You sound like a very sincere woman and you have the best of intentions here- I have confidence yo will handle it well. Let us know if there is any progress, I am certainly curious.
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