12 year old daughter sleeps with Dad

Since you have gotten overwhelming confirmation that the father-daughter relationship needs professional intervention, I will simply add - don't let him talk you out of it.

The thing that caught my attention besides the acting-out-daughter is that you said you don't sleep with your husband because he snores. Please add a doctor's visit to your list of professionals. Your husband may be suffering from sleep apnea. Simple tests could mean that you are back in your bedroom which would strengthen your relationship (I think).

WOW! Let me first say before I comment on this post, Bushg, you have hit the nail directly on the head on more than one issue going on here! I think you are absolutely correct in every single aspect of this problem. I think that the one poster who told OP to grow up and called her jealous does not realize that kids, especially little girls around the ages of 12-14 are so influental that its almost scary. They will mimic behaviors that they see their mothers, sisters, cousins and even older girls at school doing. It is very apparent that the mother in this situation lets her daughter "see" a little too much if you all know what I mean. As far as dad goes, he is completely wrong for allowing this behavior to continue. If he feels that mom doesn't show her enough attention, then he needs to start doing stuff with her one on one. Maybe take her shopping, or go fishing (if she is into that) He needs to find out what this little girl is interested in and then use that to bond with her. This cuddling at night in skimpy clothing needs to stop. All I keep hearing in my head is Michael Jackson saying its a natural thing to open your bed up to a child! NO ITS NOT! Children belong in their own beds. It has been proven that children that are allowed to sleep with their parents have severe issues with insecurity! Get your family some help please, don't wait. Do it soon and please keep us posted on this situation!

Well I was very happy to read that the pic of you in a bikini was in a home office. Because that set off alarms for me. I don't know any business that would think a picture like you describe was appropriate for the office.

My second point is that I don't see anything wrong with a father cuddling a daughter, even up to a much older age. But specifically sleeping in the same bed? Sorry that's going over the deep end.

So the bottomline here is that you have a somewhat dysfunctional family. Dad's inappropriate behavior, your refusal to share a bed with him, daughter's suggestive clothing and overly affectionate behavior, among other clues.

You NEED to get the whole family into counseling. Dad needs to be warned that his behavior may get him in jail. Daughter needs to taught what is acceptable and appropriate behavior. You need to learn how to deal with the whole situation.

I think the dad needs a good wake up call. I am sure he sees nothing sexual in this at all, his daughter is and probably always will be his little girl, however old she is, but she is old enough to understand that this behaviour is not right between a father and his daughter. I too find the photo thing creepy, but girls like to play at dressing up and acting older than they are-my five year old daughter wants to wear a bra! Actually so does my 4 year old son, but its nothing sexual, they kist like to play at being adults. But at that age, she must realise herself that a line is being crossed. I am not for one minute saying it is her fault, far from it, the mother sounds like a pretty bad influence, but she is not a baby, kids are not that naive these days. However, the father needs to put a stop to it. He needs to tell her she is just too damn old to be sleeping in his bed and she is to act her age-not younger and not older! If she wants to be wearing bikinis she has to accpet she is growing up and sleep on her own! I don't blame you for contemplating divorce, I would not accept my partner sleeping with his daughter (who is the same age!) Its just not right.

Well s2tp you've done it again, I feel as if I'm speaking with someone that knows a lot of what’s happening here ...thank you.

I will admit there are days when I've finally become so frustrated I attack his ways of raising children ... Especially when he tells my 4 year old it's okay to tinkle outside if he can't run in the house in time. So it becomes a buildup of several issues and I finally blow in a way that isn't very amicable.

When I met this man he was incredibly sensitive, caring and seemed so thoughtful towards his mother with taking her shopping all the time, calling her daily to see how she was doing, doing things for her, making every effort to get his daughter, etc. That honestly lasted for about a year, we then married and well, the rest is history. I tell him often he's a true Jekyll Hyde..He’ll even laugh at that some days.

The daughter and I were always chatty and did things together, she’ll still ask me if her hair looks okay or about her new shoes … however my assumption is the mother got word of this and began filling her head with junk ...she then became stand offish and almost disrespectful, whatever the mother told her or is telling her is beyond me. Nonetheless I still remained friendly ...until she began to sass me, or say "i doooon't think sooo" or "Whaaatever" the last one was, “I only have one mother”. I would say, "young lady, you don't talk to me that way" and she'd run to her father and say, Dad, **** is all mad about something, can we go get McDonald's” I discipline my boys and they respect my decision and my 16 yr old is very well behaved, she just sasses. I can almost sense a bit of phoniness when she comes over now where she wasn’t like this in years past. (I’ve been around her since she’s been 5-1/2.

I drop little hints in reference to promiscuity and how there’s so many nasty things going around. She’ll say, “OMG, I know, some girls are just nasty hoes” okay, I thought they began saying that in HS not 6th grade. She’ll watch the Sweet 16 show and say “those girls are so spoiled and trashy on that show” (I’ve seen it once) I’ll let her know that it’s TV and these reality shows are inflated for viewing pleasures, don’t get too caught up in that. She dresses older for her age and has been sent home from school or having parents called for her makeup applications. (I found out through another parent as her mother would never tell us) As far as a heart to heart about the S word, I haven’t really got too deep into that.

Another thing is, this little girl goes through friends like I go through milk. One month she’ll say “my best friend, blah blah blah”…then the next, “oh, I don’t talk to her anymore, I hate her” they all go through those stages however she hasn’t established any true friendships that are lasting. The neighbors [her age] make comments like, “wow, you look like your 16 [with that makeup on,] yes her mother allows it …we do not. My girlfriends’ daughter of 12 years is the sweetest cutest thing, they have nothing in common since this little sweetie is so inexperienced. I’ll explain to my step/d how important it is to have friends as I’ve had them from 3rd grade, 6th grade and HS still … she’ll say “oh wow, my mom has like 4 best friends”, I’ll ask if she’s known them a long time when she responds with, "oooohhh yahhh, like 6 months and they talk every day" …so her mom hasn’t any real friendships either. I guess her one 'best friend' told her now x husband that she was back stage flashing her chest to the band …that marriage lasted 6 months.

And …while typing all this several have posted their response and I am truly grateful …thank you

I did phone a PHD with a MA and was able to speak with her on the phone for roughly 40 minutes …in short, she indicated that any 12 year old girl sleeping with her father is not healthy nor is it acceptable, cuddles or not … it’s wrong. She also stated that it sounds like my husband is rather immature and selfish. She also stated that the daughter should seek therapy to figure out what normal 12 year olds are doing. She said from the sounds of things, this man [husband] doesn’t sound like he’s willing to make a change, but only for the moment. All in all she had some very good points and would like for my husband and I to visit with her next Friday … but isn’t going to promise anything since she’s seen these types before…Friday was the only appointment she had left. Let’s see if my husband goes for it, I seem to think not, but we’ll see …

Squiffy … Dad sees absolutely nothing sexual in this, yet he’s fully aware of what goes on at the moms place …she’s even taken her daughter on trips with her boyfriends staying in the same room … we called the attorney on that one and she (supposedly) has never done it again. The daughter is very hush hush about the mother now.

Scott, my family “is” somewhat dysfunctional … he and I still take care of business however my sleeping in the same room is a nightmare when his loud muffler is going. It’s been nearly 3 years now …but the added tension with everything else doesn’t make things better. A girlfriend of mine has been married 17 years and has slept in separate rooms for over 9 …they have a super relationship, without the added nonsense. (Same reason) The pic of me isn’t anything seductive, actually I was standing at the table drinking a glass of water when the photo was taken …I just happen to be in my bikini.

Kanicky …the daughter has seen too much for her age ..she’s 12 going on 19, seriously …this is where the problem is … she isn’t your average 12 year old. In Dad’s defense, he makes cookies with her, reads with her, plays catch, watches movies … guess it’s just not enough. (he also tells her he needs to watch his news and she has to wait until he’s finished …she gets mad calling her mom)

Talan … my friends believe the mother and grandmother have something to do with the overly affectionate daughter…especially since the mother and gram helped copy the bikini pic and purchase the frame. My mother would never have allowed that to be given [at 12]to my father or any man for that matter.

Emland ..My husband snores because he’s a drinker too … uh huhh. Even once or twice a week will put him into a snore for days.

Like I said …tooo many things are not good …I may need to jump ship pretty soon.


Thanks so much for everyone’s great input into all this goofy stuff, it has really shed the light I needed to see …sorry it’s so long too. I’ll continue to respond if you’re still interested.

I see this in a totally different light. Trust me, I can see how this disgusts you but she is ONLY 12...you have to remember that! She wants her dad to herself and this is how she is doing it. Her brain is not fully developed so she cannot see what you can. It has been ingrained in her head by her mother that his is the "normal" way women act. I also get a sense of jealously and I probably would to but you are an adult and you need to try your hardest to set that feeling aside because this IS his daughter and she is, again, only 12. If I were you, I would talk to the daughter and explain to her that you love her and think she is beautiful but you are afraid that she is sending the wrong image about herself to other people. She is young, it is not too late! I honestly do not think she has been abused; I was a daddy's little girl when I was younger and I can remember doing similar things.

Rank ...I have expressed to her that her flirtatious ways around the boys could get her into trouble and that she doesn't want to have to live her life with "rumors" going around if she were to be misconstrued in some way. She hangs on the boys and they push her away ~I do give her compliments often~ ... But .... Again.... It is the flirtatious behavior with the father that creeps me out. It is not at all a jealousy thing, she's 12 already, I haven't any reason to be jealous of a 12 year old ..I've encouraged my husband to seek full custody, he won't. If she were 35 and doing all this, you might be able to veer towards the jealousy part ... However, I'm comfy in my own skin and haven't any reason to be jealous ... Especially of a 12 year old. It's as many have stated ...it's just not right that the girl behave this way with HER FATHER. I get plenty of attention from my husband, be it positive or negative ... I actually have to find things to do so I can have some ME time ...I'm not seeking additional attention from my husband, just to have light shed on this wacky situation. She may be twelve, but as many at home here have stated, she is NOT your normal 12 year old, she's been taught some adult behavior patterns that obviously need fixing, with the eye make-up spraying perfume on, fluffing her hair and wearing slinky clothes to jump in bed with Dad; This is NOT what the NORMAL 12 year old does...but thanks for your insight anyhow.

You are right...the more I've read on this post the more I can see.

Lady, do you not know what's going on? Have you ever heard of the oedipus theory? The greek man or whatever. He said that the oedipus theory is when the son tries to kill the dad because he is jealous of the relationship that he has with his mother. It goes for daughters as well. The daughter is jealous of the "mom". In this case you are the step mom, your the woman who is replacing HER MOM! She feels like she needs to compete with you for his love and attention, and the only way she knows how is to be provocative and sexy towards her own father- the way you and her own mom is/ used to be. Do you get it? You need to show this girl some love and remind her there is no competition for the fathers love. Its not only her fault, it is urs too.

She is shown a good amount of love at this house...she just requires more. I give her compliments every time I see her, I try to joke with her, her father bakes cookies or watches movies with her, but she often complains she's bored or she demands they go bike riding or sit outside on the deck. Then he becomes enraged and screams at her. She'll pretend she's completely interested in what he has to say all while interrupting him to say, "Okay, lets go to McDonald's or the the mall ... She's involved in every activity, she's just different from the average 12 year old, she screams at my 4 year old every time she's here, it's just an all around bad situation... My biggest problem was her primping before going to bed ...in my husbands room. I'm realizing more and more she's obviously jealous of me, my 4 year old, my 16 year old and our close relationship ... I'm suggesting to the father that she get some counseling since it's becoming more evident that she's wanting all the spotlight on her. (positive or negative)