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lilone615 · Jul 15, 2009, 05:58 PM

I am dating a lovely man who unfornutley has a daughter who is 10yrs old and has a illness that is taking a good toll on her.. The illness is not life threating but it is still not a good one at all.. He does have his daughter a lot and is a great dad. I love his daughter very much also and wish with all my heart I could heal her.. But then here is the problem he has became so carried away by all this that he has became rude to me and takes anger out on me. I understand people take stuff out on the ones they love but why is it that he has to make me hurt so bad.. I want her to get better so bad but I don't understand why he can't hear me or my probs for just a min a day. I have two kids and they are healthy and I almost feel quilty for that. Over the past couple weeks he has stated how he only lives for her and loves her and only lives to make her happy.. Am I a bad person to be jealous by that comment? I also am hurt cause I always have done little things for her and liked it when I did but recently when she had a treatment I told him she would be getting something special from me to make her feel better he was like no don't send it I was floored because it was like no one else could give her love but him.. I am to the point I think I should just walk away and not give him anymore headaches cause I know he needs to concentrate on her right now but I love him so much I can't bear the thought of not having him but don't want to cause him any more problems either.

Torrid13 · Jul 15, 2009, 06:05 PM

It's very hard having family members that are ill. My mother has a serious mental illness, and it's very hard sometimes dealing with it.

He clearly is having a hard time knowing his daughter has an illness. He might blame his genes for it (I know my mom did when I was diagnosed with mental illness) and feel like he has to spend the rest of his life "making it up" to her. Or he's so afraid of losing her, he wants as much time as he can with her and doesn't want to share.

There's many reasons could be acting this way, but it's hurting you and your relationship with him. Likely, he's not going to change anytime soon, and you can't just wait around for him to give you attention and love while he's pouring it all out to his daughter.

I would talk to him about this, and if it doesn't look like he's willing to listen, I'd leave him alone and find someone who's going to give you the time of day!

jenniepepsi · Jul 15, 2009, 08:00 PM

I suggest a family counselor. You all obviously have underlying issues that need resolved if you are going to make your family work. It worries me that you say 'he has a 10 year old daughter UNFORTUNATELY' its not unfortunate. A child is an amazing thing.

But perhapes I could understand better if you explain why its 'unfortunate' for you?

Please understand, I'm not critizising or judging you. I'm just trying to understand better so I can give you the best advise posssible.

talaniman · Jul 15, 2009, 08:14 PM

I am to the point I think I should just walk away and not give him anymore headaches cause I know he needs to concentrate on her right now but I love him so much I can't bear the thought of not having him but don't want to cause him any more problems either.

Its about sharing love, not being in love, and if he won't share tell him clearly your out of here!

Family counseling is about the only other option I see, if he won't go... go yourself, and get the strength to do what you have to. Make sure he knows all your feelings, good and bad, and any decisions you reach.

Gemini54 · Jul 16, 2009, 01:00 AM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

i suggest a family councellor. you all obviously have underlying issues that need resolved if you are going to make your family work. it worries me that you say 'he has a 10 year old daughter UNFORTUNATELY' its not unfortunate. a child is an amazing thing.

but perhapes i could understand better if you explain why its 'unfortunate' for you?

please understand, im not critizising or judging you. im just trying to understand better so i can give you the best advise posssible.

I think she means that 'unfortunately' the daughter is ill - and unfortunately, this illness has an impact on her relationship with him.

rosebud135 · Jul 16, 2009, 01:09 AM

Have you told him how you feel? You should deff sit down with him and have a nice (none yelling) conversation about how you feel.

artlady · Jul 16, 2009, 01:16 AM

When you love someone it has to survive the good and the bad and the difficult.

Some people do not know how to unite when things get tough and they draw inside and try to carry the burden alone. It sounds like your B.F. may fit this description.

I would simply give him the space he seems to need right now and let him figure this out for himself.

Your just going to have to sit on the back burner for awhile.His entire being is dedicated to his child right now and sad to say ,there is just no room for you right now.
There could be but he is going to have to invite you in.

Depending on how invested you are in the relationship,I would say be patient, if you can, and at some point have a discussion about your expectations for the future in regard to how you work out problems.

Not everyone is a team player.

I think you would be showing him respect if you just let him struggle through this the best way he knows how.

Tell him you are there if he needs you but you will not be treated badly because he is suffering.There are punching bags for that,you are not one.

Gemini54 · Jul 16, 2009, 01:25 AM

My sense is that he doesn't have the emotional reserves to deal with his daughter's illness plus have balanced relationship with you at the same time. It sounds as though he's worried and frustrated and he can't express these emotions in a positive fashion - they are expressed via rudeness and anger towards you.

Also, and this is just a thought, he may feel that you are 'competing' with him in his love and concern for his daughter - perhaps he wants to be the only one that does the caring and concern thing with her.

I wouldn't be jealous of his comments about only living for her - but I would listen to what he's trying to say to you. HE wants to be the one that loves his daughter and makes her happy.

I understand that you're also concerned for his daughter and that you love her. My sense is though that your love and concern may be better directed to your man to support him at this time.

artlady · Jul 16, 2009, 01:31 AM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

My sense is that he doesn't have the emotional reserves to deal with his daughter's illness plus have balanced relationship with you at the same time. It sounds as though he's worried and frustrated and he can't express these emotions in a positive fashion - they are expressed via rudeness and anger towards you.

Also, and this is just a thought, he may feel that you are 'competing' with him in his love and concern for his daughter - perhaps he wants to be the only one that does the caring and concern thing with her.

I wouldn't be jealous of his comments about only living for her - but I would listen to what he's trying to say to you. HE wants to be the one that loves his daughter and makes her happy.

I understand that you're also concerned for his daughter and that you love her. My sense is though that your love and concern may be better directed to your man to support him at this time.

Can't rep you,darn rules,but we are on the same page to be sure. This is no time to be thinking about her desires,she just can't come first right now.
I also think that since OP states they are only dating ,the commitment to suffer through anything as a couple is not firmly established .