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mimililac · May 10, 2005, 04:23 PM

I am currently engaged to my fiancé of 1 year and am beginning to wonder if I can live with this stubborn man for the rest of my life. The most recent altercation was only a few hours ago. Let me give a little background first:

We are both students in a graduate program living together. I am 1 year in and he is still finishing up some pre-requisites. So technically he is still an undergrade. He has been taking classes only part-time and has been without a job for months. I have expressed my concern about this situation and have informed him that if he runs out of money it's his , not mine. He knows that I will not save him from a demise of his own making. We also have a very different perception of money. The program that we are in is very expensive and accumulating a large amount of debt is unavoidable, but I'm a saver and he's a spender (on things for himself).

Today I was on the computer checking the status of some text books that I had ordered on his eBay account. I saw that just this morning he spent over $100 on a golf club and had it shipped to his friend's house that lives nearby. (keep in mind that he has golfed once since we've been together) Very suspicious I think. He comes home later with his friend and I tell him that we need to talk later. I can't help but be a little annoyed and did give him a little of the silent treatment while his friend was around. He asks what my problem is while we are all at the gym. I say we'll talk later. He persists and I tell him that I think he's hiding purchases from me. He says he won't give me an explantion because I accused him of lying. So, I take it back because I'm curious about this explanation. He says he bought it for his dad. We just visited his parents and his dad had just bought a new driver (the club he bought this morning was a driver) I ask why he had it shipped to his friends. He says we have no room for it at the apartment. I ask how that's a plausible excuse since his golf bag is at the apartment. After that a lot of unkind words were said on both ends and he tells me that he's tired of me always accusing him and whining because he always gets things and I don't. I tell him that I'm tired of being the only one planning our future and being taken for granted (I do all the cooking and majority of cleaning).

I guess I just need an unbiased opinion. He claims that once we're married and it's technically our money that things will be different. I just don't see that happening. I just fell used because he gets his toys and I pay for us to live. Yes that's right, I pay the rent and majority of the bills. He only pays cell phone and his own credit card debt and half the groceries.

CroCivic91 · May 11, 2005, 02:46 AM

I'd put him on the test. Explain to him that you're having second thoughts about your marriage, because you're worried about the money. I think there's nothing better then being honest before you make such a decision. Give him a time, and see if any results are made. If not - move on.

At least that's what I'd do.

Wildcat21 · May 11, 2005, 11:09 AM

From what you have told me. He doesn't sound at all like he is ready for marriage. Very imature.

You're paying for everything? No offense, but he has it WAY too good.

I'd even go as far to say that he is using you.

A man tha treally loves you would do more and help pay his own way.

Wildcat21 · May 11, 2005, 11:10 AM

From what you have told me. He doesn't sound at all like he is ready for marriage. Very imature.

You're paying for everything? No offense, but he has it WAY too good.

I'd even go as far to say that he is using you.

A man tha treally loves you would do more and help pay his own way.

This guy sounds like a jerk - do you want to marry a jerk? I think he is your jerk for your jerk/bad boy stage in life - he isn't someone you want to marry - believe me.

Go to:

Relationships.blog-city .com and you WILL get more answers

mechimom · May 11, 2005, 03:50 PM

It sounds like you're ready for marriage but he isn't. Statistics say that the cause for 99% of all divorces stems from money. Don't start your marriage heading for a divorce. Also, he should be either paying all the bills or at least half. When you choose a life mate, you are choosing someone you can lean on or rely on the help you up if you need support. If you accept him the way he is now and marry him, you're basically sending him the message that you love him and accept him just the way he is. Most couple go into marriages thinking that their partner will change after the marriage, but usually it gets worse. Make him change now. If he won't then he has to go. Good luck

shenda · May 16, 2005, 03:59 PM

You are doing GOOD all by yourself, paying your way, renting pleasure... why marry... when the situation is out of order... Man is Head... He is to protect, provide... thus if you are carrying your own weight... why do you want him... obviously it is not for provision, protection... thus I conclude... for pleasure... if you are not willing to continue as you are... do not marry... it is true that once he becomes a man... he may stand and be accounted for; however, are you willing to endure... do you see the potential in him, does he have the working of being a husband by your own personal standards, if so... go for it,. if not move on, maintain handling your load and keep in mind that the Prince emerged from the kiss of a frog and not a toad.

JackieBlueGirl · May 17, 2005, 09:25 AM

I made the mistake of "loaning" money to my then boyfriend.
Now I find myself filing in small claims court.
Its costing me $20 just to file the claim.

What a pain the A*s.

NEVER give a man money. Period. End of story.

I know the guilt trips I heard them all
"please I just need this" "please I just need that" well it all adds up!

I have no respect for any man that makes a woman pay.

I learned my lesson... now I dust myself off and move on.

I was with him 5 yrs so no it wasn't easy.

But sadly... the same story kept repeating itself.

And BTW he also bought things he didn't need things he claimed he DID need with the money.

That's what did it for me.

jonty2400 · May 4, 2007, 11:23 AM

Originally Posted by mimililac

I am currently engaged to my fiance of 1 year and am beginning to wonder if I can live with this stubborn man for the rest of my life. The most recent altercation was only a few hours ago. Let me give a little background first:

We are both students in a graduate program living together. I am 1 year in and he is still finishing up some pre-requisites. So technically he is still an undergrade. He has been taking classes only part-time and has been without a job for months. I have expressed my concern about this situation and have informed him that if he runs out of money it's his , not mine. He knows that I will not save him from a demise of his own making. We also have a very different perception of money. The program that we are in is very expensive and accumulating a large amount of debt is unavoidable, but I'm a saver and he's a spender (on things for himself).

Today I was on the computer checking the status of some text books that I had ordered on his ebay account. I saw that just this morning he spent over $100 on a golf club and had it shipped to his friend's house that lives nearby. (keep in mind that he has golfed once since we've been together) Very suspicious I think. He comes home later with his friend and I tell him that we need to talk later. I can't help but be a little annoyed and did give him a little of the silent treatment while his friend was around. He asks what my problem is while we are all at the gym. I say we'll talk later. He persists and I tell him that I think he's hiding purchases from me. He says he won't give me an explantion because I accused him of lying. So, I take it back b/c I'm curious about this explanation. He says he bought it for his dad. We just visited his parents and his dad had just bought a new driver (the club he bought this morning was a driver) I ask why he had it shipped to his friends. He says we have no room for it at the apartment. I ask how that's a plausible excuse since his golf bag is at the apartment. After that a lot of unkind words were said on both ends and he tells me that he's tired of me always accusing him and whining because he always gets things and I don't. I tell him that I'm tired of being the only one planning our future and being taken for granted (I do all the cooking and majority of cleaning).

I guess I just need an unbiased opinion. He claims that once we're married and it's technically our money that things will be different. I just don't see that happening. I just fell used b/c he gets his toys and I pay for us to live. Yes that's right, I pay the rent and majority of the bills. He only pays cell phone and his own credit card debt and half the groceries.

I am sorry.. But do not marry him! If he is doing this now and eventually you have kids. You will be the one taking care of the kids on your own, cleaning the house and everything else... Just go with your instinct.. It is always correct...

ForeverZero · May 4, 2007, 11:35 AM

If you wanted to sponsor somebody you'd be paying the 20 bucks to sally struthers to feed one of those starving kids in ethernopia or wherever. Does he have a good reason for not getting a job? If not, tell him to get off his and get a damn job. Or just listen to the offspring song, ("why don't you get a job", for you non offspring lovers) about 50 times a day, and hope those guys at harvard are right about subliminal messaging.