[cess]

I am doing this in 2 parts here is first part up to my husbands death.(sorry for any misspells or any bad writing)


Ok here we go . I will start when I was born. I went to a friend of
The family . Was raised well there.When I turned seven.The lady told
My parents that she was going to just adopt me.At that point my parents
Decide they wanted me to come home.Well they gave me the choice. I
Didn`t know what it would be like with my real parents.So I chose
Them.Thinking I wouldn`t be so controlled.I was right.I did whatever
I wanted.No this didn`t make me a bad girl.I never got introuble
Till I hit around eleven years old. At this point. My mom found
Out I smoked. She allowd it and bought me cigarettes.Yes I was
A loner in school .got picked on.didn`t bug me .I didn`t care what
They thought.Well I started getting in fights at school . Got caught
Smoking at school.got introuble for a necklace I wore.Many other
Things.I never told anyone but my nephew and a nabor both sexxual
Mealested me.By touching my pirvate.my nephew tried to make me have
Sex and suck him. My brother stopped him.but never told.moving on
This girl I knew that picked on me in school calls me and
Ask me to come protect her at a football game.well money talks
walks. She paid me 50 dollars. So I went. I didn`t end up
Fighting. I knew the high school girl . So she just told everyone
I kicked her .Well got paid. Hung around acting like a bad .
This boy got smart with a friend. I told him to watch his .
Well he flipped me off.I told him do it again I will break it.
He did. I walked up grabbed his finger began to bend it to break it.
He somehow got me up against the fence with my arm behide my back.
That got my attention. We talked .smoked cigs togeather.well after
That . I met him again, I went with a friend to this sexy guys house.
So she told me . We went into this guys room .he was much older then I
So I kind of ignored him.While her and him made out. We went to jump on
A trapoline.He invited his little brother.Which was the same guy.
Now I will skip some.Well the guy we will call ed.ed kept coming to
My house.I could get rid of him.I would go out come home at 10pm.
And he would be there.My mom started pushing for me to date him.
I finally gave in. Got my first kiss from him playing hide and seek.
We hid togeather.But he got me into drugs.Pot weed whatever you want
To call it. He started drinking with friends,His friends would throw
Him out a moving car into my ditch.(my dad wasn`t around much)well
I would have to go get him bring him in.take care of him .my mom
Would help me sober him up to take him home.well lets move on a
Bit more. I won`t explain but my mom detured me from other boys.
To only ed.well by age 12 . I had sex for the first time.In my
Farthers bed.(forgot to mention this my mother slept in my bed
With me. My dad would knock on the door and say you ever going to
Come to bed with me.she would tell me.don`t worry I got to go do my
Duties.she would return later.This is from day one of living at my
Parents)OK anyway it was with ed. We were in love.well after I turned
15 .I found out I was pregnant.My first baby boy.(oh and to mention I called
My mother after I had sex for the first time and told her.)well I didn`t
Anyone for 4 months . No one knew. I told my mother she said tell ed.
So I did. He told me to abort it, I said no he threaten to hurt me.
So he wasn`t allowd around. Well he apoligized and we got back togeather.
Well then I had to tell my dad. My dad kicked me out at 15 years old.
I moved with a cool lady . We will call her betty.she taught me many
Things we talked a lot.I refused to allow my father to know where
I was. Then one day I can home to betty`s and it was real late.
I didn`t want to wake her to get in.I walked to my dads 7 months pregnant
Door locked knives in the door when I unlocked it.(oh also forgot to
Mention my mom moved out before I told I was pregnant.She lived with betty to.
She moved out cause my dad pulled a gun on me and her.)it was cold and snowy
Out I laid on the road I must have fallen asleep. I checked the door again later
And it was unlocked. I went to my room .everything how I left it.
When I woke my dad didn`t go to work. He said he was sorry.
That his door was always open to me.well I moved back in with him.
Ed went to jail My son jr was born .when I turned 16 ed was 18 we ran
Off to tenn. Got married.with mothers permission. I had moved to my
Mothers then ed and I moved to my dads.ed got a job.I took care of
Our son. Well me my dad got into it.he kicked me out.so I took my son
To my mom to watch there wasn`t room for us to move back in.(at this
Time my dad had got cancer and was slowely dying. He gave my mom and I
Most of his pills)i got money out the back started popping pills. Went
Got ed`s brother to rent a motel room.there we checked out the room.
His brother always had a crush me I always turned him down.well I was
Popping pills every hour. He wouldn`t let me leave he smoked weed
With me gave me a purple football looking pill. I took.all I remmber
Is getting dressed after that.I knew what happened.I blacked out trying to
Drive home from picking up my husband.I couldn`t see could hear and work pettles.
Husband steered the car.well about 2 days past I wouldn`t have sex.
I told my husband what happened .what I could remmber. He went off .
Throw a chair at his brother.(recliner at that)well life went on.
Husband ended up in a lot of trouble for his drinking.not to mention
He would sometimes try and hurt me while being drunk.I stuck with him
We moved to Texas to avoid him going to jail.lived there 2 years.
I left him moved back to Ohio because of his drinking.he begged me
To come get him 2weeks later I went and got him.thing continued
With no change still drinking a lot and choking me once and awhile
When drunk.when I moved back from Texas I was 7months pregnant with my daughter
Well while in Texas I did cheat once on him.It was one week affair.
My birthday him drunk being a . His friend my friends house.
He ended up a .also in Texas I watched a 15yr old boy.because he
Listen to me over his mother.well he raped me I said no.he held me down.
I couldn`t do anything.I don`t want to remmber that so lets go on.
Husband though our daughter was his remmber this my birthday sept 25th
My daughters birthday sept 7th. No way she was anyone's except my husbands.
We had her tested it proved I didn`t lie to him.I told him about the week affair.
If I didn`t he would have never knew.anyway drinking continued .had
Anouther baby boy. Drinking and coking get worse.The day he passed
Away I had enough I was leaving I had a place to go .he came home drunk.
I left came home. He was in bed .I put childern to bed except my oldest
Who slept on the couch.I sat out on the computer.I heard him scream for me
I checked on him.he said his chest hurt he was hot make him a bath.
I asked should I call 911 he said no.I made him a bath. He got in
With my help. He got out .he said call 911. I ran to the nabors I had no phone
They called I ran back home tried to help him to the bedroom.he fell
On top of me eyes open not responding but still breathing . I was cring.
My oldest said mom what's going on . I said nothing everything is fine
Go back to bed. Ems got there shocked him 3 times. Put him in the truck
Left I couldn`t go my childern .my mom came over. Watched them. I
Went to the hospital.they took me in a small room.told me he was
Doa.I ran out out jumped in my car called my mother told her he died not
To tell the childern but I had to get away she watched them for 2 days.

[shenda]

It does not matter what I think of your life, we all have our share of decisions to make and consequences to endure. Given all that you have shared, I say that you are a capable of squeezing every ounce of life afforded you, which strengthens you as times goes on. The fact that you are able to share your story indicates that these things no longer have you bound. With each event released, you can confidently know that you are healed, healthy and have only a vibrant portion of life to offer, the helpless, the hopeless. You are a source of inspiration... keep one foot in front of the other... you shall reach that ultimate place... your feet shall soon enter into that place where your heart is... nothing has the power to slow you down, hinder your pace... Like an adorn wristpiece... you have taken many lickin's but you keep on tickin'... reach for the stars and know that once you obtain such height... your oyster still awaits. You shall go as far as your heart desires... you are focused and determined... see you on top.

[Wildcat21]

FIRST and MOST important... you can't change the past - EVER. You need to move forward AND change. You need to do things differently - make decisions BASED on the out come.

It's seems you live for the moment too much and don't CARE about the consequences of your actions - a real bad way to live. You need to think about the future and STOP reacting on your feelings - you have kids that NEED you.

You need to change - going forward you can have a great life.

[cess]

Part 2


Ok when I returned home. I was scared. Had to arrange a funeral.All that crazy stuff.None would help me but my mother.I
Had to pay for everything. My mom helped by watching the childern.my late husbands mom did nothing but criticize everything
I did.she wasn`t paying for it I was .My husband had no job . I didn`t work.where was I to get the money.But still I could
Have got a better casket and so forth. My grandma passed away and had giving us all 3 plots each. So I had the plot.But that
Was to far for my mother-in-law. Nothing I did was good enough.Not to mention I was living in that house.I started avoiding
The bathroom. I went to my moms to shower.took my childern there to bath.Use the bathroom at the nabors.I had to move.I was
Stuck on the internet. I wanted to be able to talk to people.But not let them see me hurting.I stayed away from everyone.
Except my mother. I rarely left the house unless I had to.My mom got worried about me.On the day before new years she said
You need to go out I will watch the childern.go out for new years. At first I didn`t want to. Then a guy on the internet
Said come up to cleveland and have a good time .He was really nice on the internet so I desided to go.Well I couldn`t stay
Long it was a long drive. So I went and we played video games for awhile ate had a good time.then I had to drive back.
I left him a message I enjoyed myself.I think he got the wrong idea on me visiting.I had told him I wasn`t looking
For a relationship just a friend.well anyway I started going out on fridays and saturdays to the club.But still when home
I didn`t want to be there.I finally one day desided to move. I chose a town with 5 minutes of columbus.well I seen the place .
Desided I could afford it on what I got for the childern and I .surviver benifets.then I had anouther proublem .I had
No one to help me move. I turned back to the internet.started dating a guy I never met he would call me I would call him.
Type thing. Well that wasn`t helping me get moved .so I seen this one loud mouth guy I always fought with on chat.took him
In pirvate pm we got to know each other he gave me his number. So I called him. We talked I asked him to come hang out.I
Would pick him up. So I did.my first inpression was he was a nasty mother huncher. But hey why not just have some fun and
Get him to help move me. He was a big guy he can lift a lot.well he was a pervert.but was funny as hell.he mested with a
Dirty hore that I brought with me to see guys to see how they were about girls.who come on to them.so he failed the test
Anyway. But still he can help me move. Well we went and picked up anouther guy from the net. Which basicaully played on
My computer. But I didn`t care .well I took them all home.came home did my motherly stuff and all that. Then went and
Got the one funny pervert again but for him to achaully load the truck.him and a friend of mine loaded the truck we
Made 2 trips that wasn`t half my stuff.but good start.so we went so one dude could fight my nephew ended up everyone
Pussied out except me I was going to whoop my nephew girls but my sister stopped me.well then I had my hood up fixing
My ground wire and didn`t shut it all the way. On the way home my hood came up and shattered my wind shield.well we
Made it to my house. And took the car to be fixed. Had to get it with the rental truck . Then was making small
Trips next few days to get more stuff with my car. Then I go up one day its locked. I was like what the heck. They said
On you haven`t been there so we locked it up and it is ours and everything in it is ours.I was what the heck.instead of
Fighting about it I let my go.well during all that on the last trip I started likeing the funny pervery.
But I was dating someone and he knew it. Well I fell asleep in my car and him and his friend took my cell
Phone called my boyfriend told him they were doing a train on me. Well my boyfriend wouldn`t talk to me I tried to explain.
That it was a lie since he wouldn`t talk to me I caught him in a Yahoo chatroom.told him we were over.so first
Thing I did was kiss the funny pervert he was damn good kisser . I did not sleep with him till the third day.
Well then he started staying with me at my place . I had a girl that I met off the net who said she was 19
Living with me as a live in nanny. I paid her well for it.then my car broke he said he would fix it .I said OK
Here's the keys. He was like why don`t you come with me. I was like my childern .he was life do you think a live
In nanny is for. I told her I had to go get my car fixed I would be back in the morning she said that was fine.
My mom lived there 2. so I went it took almost all night to fix the car.then I woke up and there was message on my phone
Childern service they said they had my childern . I called my house asked my mom what happened.she said that girl
Was only 15 I was like what no way. She said yes she was .the cops picked her up and childern service took the
Kids because by this point my mom couldn`t care for them anymore. I tried to go get them thewy wouldn`t give me my childern back.
I was flipping out . The guy stayed with me.I ended up trading my car for a much faster car cause I like racing.
Did everything childern service asked they still wouldn`t give me my childern.well I lost my benifets because the childern
Were taken. Which then I lost my house. By this time me and the funny pervert was dating I will refer to him as my boyfriend now.
Well we were forced to live at my bf`s moms. We stayed there awhile till we got a place. Well that's where I live now.But he has
Changed.(forgot to tell you before kicked out of house we got into a car wreck with my fast car I was sleeping
He was driving a friend jumped two lanes lost control and hit a car which it us into a guard rail shut down 270 for 2-3 hours.
I got 3 stitches above my eye,one in my cheek and a broken cheek bone. He got stitches in his head.)i never once kicked him out
I did ask him to go to his moms for awhile once . But not told him to get the hell out.he tells me to get the hell out every
Argument like he doesn`t care. He hurts me so bad I cry and he acts like my tears are meaningless. I never cried before now.
No clue why I started.he also says things like get me a pop I know he is joking cause he is smiling and laughing
But I don`t like to be called a all the time. I have told him this.still he does it. We have a lot of good times but
We fight a lot to .I still don`t have my childern back because I have no place for them . All I have to do is fix this place up
Like do new plumbing through out the place and build a room and keep it clean. I can`t find a job I have tried. Also have to
Go to councling for childern services.I have till nov to have this place fixed up for the childern or they are taking them forever.
They won`t help me fix it iether so don`t comment on that. I have done everything I can and I am at the point of giving up everywhere
Every time I try it just gets worse. With him being a all the time my childern being gone . I just am having troubles
Dealing with it.I don`t know what to do anymore I am confussed.

[Wildcat21]

One thing - stop trusting people you meet on the interenet!! PLEASE - friendships take a lot of time. You have to be 1000% caucious. You can't trust these people right away - no way!! Stop this. People can be anyone they want on the internet and in a chat room - OK? You can't trust these people right away and it sounds like you met a bunch of creeps.

[letmeno]

Wow!

1. Hooking up with people you meet on the internet is dangerous. If this is what you plan on doing from now on. Your children are in the safest place for them to be. No one like this should be around your children.

2. You need a 12 step program to get yourself clean and remain that way.

3. Start at a women's shelter. They offer substance abuse programs, and they can help you get on some type of state assistance such as food stamps and medicaid, as well as offer you shelter.

4. From that point, the department of public aid will help you find employment. This is one of the requirements of being a state aid receipient. They will refer you to all types of programs that will assist you.

5. State aid will help you find housing. Your rent will be based on your income. There might be a waiting list but if you are homeless, they will make exceptions.

6. There are programs out there that will help you in your situations. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is not going to help your situation at all. If this is something that you are sincere about, then take my advice and do this. My mother works for the Dept. of public aid, that is how I know that they do cater to low income or no income people.

[cess]

Umm I don`t need up getting clean or staying clean I have done fine on my own I have been clean for almost 2 years so that is not a proublem


Also internet thing won`t happen again I learn from my mistakes.

[letmeno]

I touched on that subject because the department of children and family services are going to REQUIRE you to be clean and sober in order to get your children back. If they feel at all that drugs are a part of the equation that led up to them getting involved in your life, they will REQUIRE you to take random drug test.

[cess]

OK not to be mean but no sh@t don`t you think I know that.I have already been screened a few times as I said clean over 2 years . Plan to stay that way. So no more drug talk.

(yes over 2 years got out my calender and dates checked to be sure :) )