My husband's brother and sister-in-law were killed in a car accident a couple of weeks ago. We attended the funeral and the shiva, which is a traditional Jewish mourning period lasting 7 days. We have also adopted their children, a 4 and 6 year old. Since we've been back home, I've been thinking of various ways to help the children through this. Traditionally, Jews say special prayers called kaddish for 11 months after the death of a close family member. I've been doing a bit of reading about kaddish and I discovered that it is more for the benefit of the mourners than the deceased. So, I've been thinking of taking the children to the synagogue so they can say kaddish for their parents. I of course would say it along with them. We live only 3 blocks from a synagogue so we could easily walk there each morning.

My problem is that, since I am an agnostic and haven't really decided what I believe about G-d, I feel like a hypocrite for taking the children to the synagogue to pray. I talked to the rabbi and he said that as a Jew I am most welcome regardless of what I believe or don't believe. But I still feel hypocritical about it. I try to tell myself that I'm doing something good for the children, to help them. Is that good enough?

rkim291968

"I try to tell myself that I'm doing something good for the children, to help them. Is that good enough?"

Yes!

fredg

Hi, Orange,
You and your husband are to be commended for your wonderful love, caring, and sharing your lives with your newly adopted children.
Please don't be concerned about yourself personally, and spiritual things. Doing this for the children is up to you, and I do agree with the Rabbi, about letting the children do it, and "you are welcome".
Love knows no bounds, is shown by those who truly care; like you. God knows what you are going through, and gives you strength to do what you think is right.
You are not a hypocrite, in any sense of the word; just a person filled with love.

Fr_Chuck

I would say that first the children have been bought up within thier religion, so this is an issue in which they may ( depends on thier parents) been raised and taught that their faith is true and valid. To change that for them, or to cause them to question thier faith because of your non belief can be a real problem for them to understand or accept. With that it would only be correct to give them the opportunity to share thier faith and to go though the process of grieving. Also the Rabi can give the children futher comfort.

If you do not need the prayer to get over your grief or do not believe in God I would merely take them and allow them to pray.

But now going to sound like a preacher here, if you join them in the prayer it may well help you find the relastionship you lost and come back to a closeness with God.

orange

Thanks so much Fred. You probably don't realize how much it means to me to hear you say that.... last night I was so down on myself about it, and about everything in general. Like really depressed. I'm sure it's the grief creeping up because I haven't really grieved myself since the accident... I've been trying to take care of everyone else. And rkim thanks to you too, I am really glad to know that doing it for the children is good enough for now.

I agree, and I want things to be as easy for them as possible. Regardless of my own personal belief struggles, I don't consider a syngogue a harmful thing, and if they want to go, I am all for that. The children have indeed been brought up with some religious activities, although the encouragement was on the part of their grandparents rather than parents. Their parents were more or less secular like Alex and I. But the children have expressed interest in going to the synagogue here and they want to have a seder for Passover (again, I feel like a hypocrite for doing this, but I'm thinking about having a children's seder on one night of Passover and inviting some other Jewish kids from the neighborhood to it). Luckily I read and write Hebrew, so that part of it isn't going to be difficult.

LOL well you never know. I am certainly open to that.

Anyways thanks again everyone, I feel so much better about it now. I hope we can be organized enough to start going tomorrow morning. The service is quite early in the morning, but since we live so close to the synagogue and the service is only about 25 minutes long, it can easily become a part of our morning routine. I'm actually excited to go now!

Btw, Fred and Fr Chuck, I couldn't comment on your posts, got the old "spread it around" thing again. But I appreciate your input more than you realize probably.

Fr_Chuck

I do the chistmas tree and even allow santa and his reigndeer to be in my yard, my children were always taught there santa did not bring any gifts, but the always got excited over Santa in the mall and the such.

We often do and allow things for children we may not personally agree with. ( easter eggs, halloween and the such for me)

I am sorry I don't know enough about the Jewish faith to know your customs and traditions.

LisaB4657

Orange, when your brother-in-law and sister-in-law designated you and your husband as the people they wanted to take care of their children, that meant that they were trusting your judgment in how to raise the children. Your beliefs didn't have to be the same as their beliefs. They trusted that you would raise their children the best way you knew how and that was what they wanted. Don't second guess yourself. If you think that taking the children to synagogue is the best thing for them right now then that's what you should do, regardless of your personal feelings about religion. If you feel that they should be raised agnostic because that is your belief then that's ok too. As long as you remember that you are fulfilling your responsibility to them (and their parents) then feeling like a hypocrite should never be an issue. It's a very difficult job you have now but have faith in yourself, because their parents had faith in you.

orange

Yeah I'm wondering about that kind of stuff myself. We won't be celebrating Christmas or Easter in our home, but at the same time I don't want the children to feel left out if other kids are having candy or presents.

Well similar to Christianity, there are many celebrations throughout the year which can be tailored for children. There's Channukah and Passover of course, but there's also other holidays which are fun for the kids... there is a celebration called Purim which is kind of like Halloween in that everyone dresses up in costumes and synagogues often have a carnival for kids. There's also a version of Thanksgiving called Succoth, the harvest festival, with lots of fun activities for kids too, including building a "house" (called a sukkah) outside in your backyard, decorating it with harvest symbols and eating special meals inside it. There's even a tree planting day, which I believe is called Tu B'Shevat. I really want the kids to observe this one, as I think it's important to plant trees! Plus I love gardening.

Fr_Chuck

I am sorry I found out from my wife I am not "politically correct any longer, the local stores are having "spring bunnies" and spring eggs"
so I guess you can do them also.

My wife has a "holiday" music festival for her music students, some do Chrsitian, so Jewish, others non religious.

I wish I could celebrate some of them with you, I always try to learn the customs of others

Jesushelper76

Orange, You know what. Your doing what is best for the children and what the children believe. Wheather you are a strong believer or not, should not stop you from praying with them. Prayer is strong, no matter what is your religion background or beliefs. Prayer is a very important part of life, being able to communicate with God. Be with the children. It is for them and you could learn a lot about yourself and God through the children. Children are the key, there is no hyprocrisy.

Joe