[Bobby1980]

Hey, I'm Bobby from Nebraska, new on here. A minor dating issue, some mixed signals perhaps. Here goes, see what you think.

I really liked this girl I went to college with and when we bumped into each other at a conference about 2months ago I asked her out. So we go out a few times and I think we both felt a little unsure at first, but by about the 6 or 7th date , things were going pretty well. At the end of the last date we kiss etc. and we get to talking about where things are going to go, you know. I tell her how I feel, that I really liked her, really enjoyed being with her and that I was happy to take things as the came and see where things would go. At that point she says that she wouldn't be available for a while and didn't know when she could see me, and that it wouldn't be that often, and then asks me how I felt about that. I was happy to wait and take things as they came so I says "yeah sure thats cool".

As soon as I answer, she tells me that she really values her freedom and says good night.

Man, after that I thought to myself, this girl is trying to be nice about telling me that she doesn't want to get involved, so I call her and tell her that perhaps we should leave things there. She seemed cool with things, in fact not bothered at all. Here's the noodle scratcher for me. I meet a friend of hers and she tells me that this girl was into me and that she thought things were going somewhere and that she couldn't understand why I called it quits.

I really like this girl so my question is, why did she say those things if she felt like that, and if so do I call this girl back?

[educatedhorse_2005]

That was a ploy on her part to see how you really felt and you failed the test.
I would suggest you try and cantact her as soon as possible and get her dateing again.
Next time she does something likes be mor concerned and find out why she is going to gone and find out when you can call her again.

Do not miss the boat again.

[Wildcat21]

"That was a ploy on her part to see how you really felt and you failed the test."

Great answer! Total test.

What you should have said was - that's cool. Then you pull back and wha tfor her to call you. It was BS on her part to see where things stand.

I've blown that question in the past... you just have to be cool with it. She wasn't going to be that busy.

[confused25]

Seriously? That was a test! Wow I would have never seen it coming. I probably would have thought the same thing the topic creator was thinking, which was she was simply looking for a way out and trying to say it as nice as possible. Wow..

Well I don't want to hijack the topic, but I have a question that I think will help the topic creator and a lot of other folks. Basically, was this woman fully aware that she was giving this guy a test? Or is it something she did instinctively or unconciously? Oh and how do you know when it's a test or not? :confused:

It still boggles my mind that women would do this just to test the guy, and in the process risk losing a good relationship.

Well back on topic, I think the best bet would be to follow Educated's advice. If this was definitely a test then you just ended the relationship and now you have to go back and try to give it a jump start. But make sure your cool about it, no begging or anything like that.

[Wildcat21]

Total test... learn about women's tests.

Women are jaded in that respect. She wanted to see how much you wanted it. She may be a little insecure ad well.

[ilovcali]

So where's the line between her wanting it, and her thinking you're a nut job for not taking her hint? Man, I've dated a bunch of chicks in my life, had four girlfriends, and I never examined all this stuff so much at the beginning of a relationship. I just went out with the girl a few times, told her I liked her if I did, and if she reciprocrated great, otherwise plenty of fish in the sea.

The feelings are obviously a little different after a long term, serious relationship. The emotional investment makes it harder to just say "plenty of fish in the sea".

I personally think this test on her part was a load of crock and not really fair. It is difficult at the beginning to gauge if both parties want the relatioship unless it is flat out said. And this type of a game can backfire, like it did for this girl. I mean by the 7th date?

That is some chasing and having fun, but at some point, both people have to come clean about at least wanting the relationship. You don't go out with someone 7 times if you don't think you want it. Maybe twice, but not 7 times. She knew he wanted it as far as I can see. He took her out 7 TIMES! This mind game was just stupid.

I think if this had happened on the 2nd date, maybe her game is slightly more valid, but by the 7th, it's pretty stupid. Who knows though?

[Bobby1980]

Hey Guys thanks for the replies. I just threw this up because I thought it was weird.

ilovcali, I tend to see it your way. Yeah, you date a chick, sure there is apprehension at first, but when someone admitts they like you (i.e. breaks down that barrier) I don't see there is a need for games, that's why I guessed it was more of a "not interested" thing and didn't think too much about it until bumping into her friend.

Just a question for valinors_sorrow:... "way too much sifting of details for just dating, way too much focus on the other person (a very common codependent flag)"... is that on my end or hers lol? No offence taken either way lol?

[valinors_sorrow]

Just a question for valinors_sorrow: ..."way too much sifting of details for just dating, way too much focus on the other person (a very common codependent flag)"... is that on my end or hers lol?? No offence taken either way lol?

I saw you looking too closely at her behavior and trying to modify yours based on hers -- not good in my book. Better to focus on being yourself and telling the truth, whatever it is.

If a girl does something you don't understand, just ask. Easy Peasy!

[confused25]

Yeah I figured if she likes you she'll tell you, especially after you have already admitted it and dated a few times.

But like Wildcat has mentioned before, women don't think like men. Maybe its because she wanted you to chase her a bit more, you know make her feel special. She wanted to know whether you'd be willing to go the distance for her and work for it. Maybe by mentioning that she likes her freedom she was seeing whether you would be another clingy/needy guy. Eh... it's all too confusing. In the end if you're a guy who wants a woman that is straightforward with her feelings then its probably best you ended it.

Oh and about Val's comments... are you sure that's the case Val? I figured that if your sifting through the details its not really a codependent thing, but just trying to figure out what happened so your prepared for the future.

[Wildcat21]

It's TOTALLY to see if you are needy and clingy!!

Totally!!

But read Val's posts - she's totally on to that. Behave like yourself... but learn the rules as well.

AND YES!! There are 'games' and 'rules' - like it or not - AND EVERY SINGLE woman plays them. (Alright women - let me have - BUT, you know I am right - period - end of story)

SEE, women have tests to see if you are 'the guy'. They try to test you quickly so they don't invest any emotions if you're a creep or jerk.

[valinors_sorrow]

Oh and about Val's comments...are you sure thats the case Val? I figured that if your sifting through the details its not really a codependent thing, but just trying to figure out what happened so your prepared for the future.

It's not the sifting, its both the sifting TOO EARLY and the attempt to modify behavior based on another's behavior (IF I do this, she'll do that -- a childish and manipulative approach) together that caused me to bring up codepedency. Actually, sifting implies to me far too much importance placed on details while one utterly misses the big picture. There is nothing wrong with learning about yourself and others but the simplest way to do that is ask the source when you are confused by someone. But all kinds of guessing at it and asking the wrong source because there is some kind of fear is very typical of a codependent too, especially ones that grew up in a really dysfunctional home. Kids who had to tiptoe around sick parents in childhood carry their coping skills into adulthood and it makes for all kinds of problems! Better to deal with the fear first, apart from any relationship. It really amounts to if you don't have the guts to withstand the challenges or the trust to experience the vulnerabilities of a relationship, then count on those very things hanging you up-- regardless of being male or female.

And for the record, I used to be a major gamer but I have learned there is an incredible life beyond games with authenticity and intimacy and its based on being real and being honest. There are people who play games (both male and female, by the way) and there are those who don't. Please don't ever make the assumption that those of us who don't play... don't know how LOL. Whether this is what Wildcat is talking about, I don't know for certain but "games" always implies to me a kind of dishonesty or manipulation which makes it an UGH in my book.

[Wildcat21]

Good stuff... very deep.

Oh course both male and felmales play games. It's part of the dance. Everyone plays them even though they say they don't.

AND No I don't mean dishonest ones...

[valinors_sorrow]

Not so deep really and it looks like we'll just have to agree to disagree Cat. I would point out that this leaves those who want/need to learn how to play the game better lining up on you and those who care to seek the real thing and be authentic lining up on me -- but I best not since it might look like a game to you even if its an "upfront and honest" one. LOL.

Sorry Bobby, didn't mean to highjack your thread, I won't debate further.

[Bobby1980]

Lol... didn't expect this sort of a debate. I thought this was a simple issue. Interesting however.

I agree though that we all play games at some level, whether we are authentic or not, just you have to draw the line somewhere, and perhaps in my case seemingly realise when you are being played and decide whether you want to play... to be honest though I'd rather be on val's side of the fence lol.

In reply to Val's earlier post, I think there are aspects of what you said re: codependance that are inherient in my case e.g. being a little reserved in the beginning because you do not want to put yourself all the way out there until you feel comfortable to do so. But do you not think that to some extent some of these traits are common or normal in most people? I do agree that perhaps also there is a bit too much sifting, I just wondered more in relation to me being oblivious to seeing the "test" in what was said, I actually was quite cool with my decision thinking I had got it right until I bumped into her friend, perhaps another COD trait lol, hope its not a case for a support group lol.

No seriously, appreciate the input, I hadn't actually thought about it that deeply though, just didn't get it re: the "test" lol.

[talaniman]

She fed you the story to bring forth a lot of questions by you, so she could gauge how you felt about her, By not asking those questions you didn't show the interest she was looking for. Be very careful about what her friends may say as you should always get your info from the source, not second hand (people have their own agenda) A direct conversation with the young lady, if your interested, may clear the air. She seems to be the type to need verbal reassurance and if this isn't your style I would move on. After 7 dates it would seem that a line on communication would have developed, but we live and learn.

[Wildcat21]

Yep - communication is king. Be honest. You'll getyour answers.

Let us know what happens.

[s_cianci]

She may have thought that you were being over-anxious and that may have scared her off. You need to be laid-back, play things cool and not talk serious for a long time. According to your post it's only been 2 months. That's not a long time and far too soon to be talking serious. Be busy and be involved with people and things besides just her. Remember, she is part of your life, not your life, especially at this early stage. Make her chase you by not being overly available to her.

[s_cianci]

That was a ploy on her part to see how you really felt and you failed the test.
I would suggest you try and cantact her as soon as possible and get her dateing again.
Next time she does something likes be mor concerned and find out why she is going to gone and find out when you can call her again.

Do not miss the boat again.

Not so fast. The worst thing he can do here is to rush things. That will only push her away even farther.

[s_cianci]

Seriously?? That was a test! Wow I would have never seen it coming. I probably would have thought the same thing the topic creator was thinking, which was she was simply looking for a way out and trying to say it as nice as possible. Wow..

Well I don't want to hijack the topic, but I have a question that I think will help the topic creator and a lot of other folks. Basically, was this woman fully aware that she was giving this guy a test? Or is it something she did instinctively or unconciously? Oh and how do you know when its a test or not? :confused:

It still boggles my mind that women would do this just to test the guy, and in the process risk losing a good relationship.

Well back on topic, I think the best bet would be to follow Educated's advice. If this was definetly a test then you just ended the relationship and now you have to go back and try to give it a jump start. But make sure your cool about it, no begging or anything like that.

Actually, I'm not so sure this was a "test." I think it was more of a stall tactic on her part, a way of saying "whoa, let's slow down and not rush things." She may have been testing him in a sense to see how secure he is and in that regard I think he handled it quite well by saying "that's OK, I'm cool with that." He didn't come off as needy or desperate. She'll take that as a positive sign, whether consciously or not.