[jande34808]

I am married to a man who goes ballistic if he is even asked a simple question. He throws things,breaks things,he stomps on things, all of them mine.He yells and screams at me. He calls me names. He does not treat anyone else like this.Only his wife.He says I slandered him because I made a statement that he did not clean the kitchen counter.This is how crazy it gets. If I ask a question, he asks why am I talking to him like that? I love my husband but I am ready to divorce him if he does not change. I do not see any reason for him to change because he seems like he does not care if I divorce him or not. He says he loves me but his actions say otherwise.He does not treat anyone else like this.He has a lot of friends that are crazy about him.But at home it is a different story.Can anyone advise me?

[plaidoe]

I have two stories to tell/things to say.

First, I was married to a man once who acted the same way and somehow made me feel bad for his actions. He had nothing wrong with him other than the fact that he knew he had total control over me and could walk all over me.

Once he and I had argued in front of some of his friends and I began to cry. He left the room and they asked me about it. I came clean and told them of the way he behaves when they are not around. They were shocked. People who had known him his whole life had never seen him act this way. He only did this to me. It was a control thing.

I also found out that he had cheated on me quite a bit with different women while we were together. I do not know if this is related to his behavior to me.

Next, I have a chemical imbalance and am manic depressive. I often throw temper tamtrums and take it out on my husband. The poor thing was becoming at his wits end with me and ready to leave me. I think that it is easier for me to take it out on him because I trust him so much more than others.

The things I did to myself for two years in high school went unnoticed until I overdosed because I kept it secret. I love my husband and it is easier for me to be free around him. Unfortunately, this means often taking my issues out on him.

He is doing research on my issue and is trying harder to help us both cope with it. I do not know if your husband has either of these issues. If there is a moment when you can talk to him about this please do. Maybe when he is in a good mood. I am not sure if he is one of those that even in a good mood, you can't talk to him.

In which case, there might not be much of a marriage anyway... without communication. I know from experience, the latter item (chemical imbalance issue) is easier to bring up then the first topic. I wish you all the luck in the world! I will be thinking about you.

I am also I good listener, so if you need to, please feel free to respond. I will check back to see how you are doing. You are not alone!

[baoloa]

I think the key here is that you feel that threatening to divorce him doesn't change his behaviour.
That is the wrong way to go about things.
Of course you wish that he would keep his good characteristics, and that maybe just with a push here or a threat there he would be rid of his bad ones.
But... that doesn't happen, does it? You tried that, and it didn't work.

You are desperately unhappy, to the point where you're sending a internet "message in a bottle" for help, for anyone to help you.

Anyone who reads your message will want to help you, but they can't.  The best way you can find help is to contact a local women's health organization and simply arrange to have a chat with someone. They will not tell you to leave your husband, or give you any other instructions, but they will be sympathetic and offer constructive advice.  Please do this.
Baoloa

[fj]

Ask yourself the following question:
Would I treat someone that I love like he treats me? Would I ever think of treating him this way?
It sounds like your husband is not normal.
You cannot have a normal relationship with someone who has such nasty character traits.

My best friend was married to a man, who would do exactly as your husband. None of his friends thought he was like that. She did not think he would be like that, until he had her under his control.
She tried an tried and talked to him and loved him, but it did not make a difference.

Then she left him and met the man of her dreams, who treats her like a goddess and says that he always wants to see a smile on her face, because he can't stand to see her cry or be sad.
He is always bringing her flowers and thinking up surprises and presents for her. He cherishes the ground she sets foot on. They have been married for 5 years and never has she been happier.
At first she did not even think she deserved to be loved like that, but now she realizes, that this is what marriage should be like.

When they have an argument, he does not yell or smash thinks or hit her. They make up or he gets back to her and says that he has thougt about what she says and that she has a point there (or she does), but they are in a balance. One is treating the other just as loving and caring as the other is treating him/her.

Wouldn't you want to be traeted like that?
Don't you think you deserve to be treated better?

You cannot judge someone's character from how they act when they are in a good mood. Even serial killers and criminals do nice things to other people if they feel like that. Hitler patted little girls on the head and loved dogs. That did not make him a nice person though.
You must judgde the character from people from how they treat their enemies or how they react when they are angry.
Be your own judge.

Go away when you are still young (if you are) and make the best of the rest of your life.
Chances are, your husband is going to want you back.
He will be as nice to you as in the beginning.
Do not make the mistake to think that that is the real him and that it was just a temporary thing that he was so nasty to you. Anyone can make the mistake to think that the first good impression was the real man, and that the bad man is not his real character. This is not the case.
You have seen his true character and he will do it again if you let him.
Be firm, do not talk to him any more after the divorce, do not reconciliate. He had 1000s of chances to be nice to you in the past years, now his time's up.
If he harasses you call the police, have a backup plan to go to a close friend.
I think that you are a nice person that you have tried for so long to be nice to him, to understand him and to live with him. Now it is time to be nice to you and think about yourself.

Take care. fj.

[support_sage]

All aberration stems from a single source... the reactive mind. It is removable.
The problems your husband are having are easily resolved using Dianetics.
The reason psychiatry has failed to solve them is simple.. any computer tech could tell you the answer. You cannot fix the computer hardware and resolve a software problem and that is what psychiatry has been trying to do. Electro shock, drugs and psychosurgery do not work. They damage the hardware which is running correctly. The software (mind in this case is non physical) it has to be done in a particular way.
Dianetics can fix mental illness really fast, hours instead of months or years, no drugs or hypnosis. And the kicker is that every hour of Dianetic auditing gives you a point of IQ, so it can make quite a difference.
Emotion and the amount of reactive mind are linked, negative or mis-emotion are part of being on the lower end of the scale, (having a lot of reactive mind) higher emotions are less reactive (see the emotional tone scale.
Also physical diseases become more pronounced with more reactive mind.
As I said it can be removed. You can do some of it yourself or have a professional auditor do it . Once it is gone it is gone permanently.
There are millions who have done this before you. But remember this if you have taken or are on psych drugs you will not be able to audit. You must be weaned off them carefully first.
For more info on that write me again.
visit www.dianetics.org to find out more info or to find an auditor in your area.
See also www.mindfreedom.org or www.cchr.org

[youngshan]

I understand about not wanting to be treated this way... who would. What about the kids. My husband has threatened numerous times to take my daughter away or even plant drugs in my car. I don't feel like I have a way out.

He said we wouldn't have any problems if I would just leave him alone. That's not a marriage. I love him, but I don't know how much more I can take.

[hanabelle]

It obviously seems that you are at the end of your rope. I can understand that you love this man, but in these situations love is definitely not enough. Judging by your post, he obviously doesn'rt seem to really care if you divorce him or not. What kind of love is that? Would you rather stay with a guy who treats you so badly and makes you incredibly un happy or would you take the chance of living without him and possibly having some peace and happiness. As tough as starting over again on my own with or without children, you need to think about your emotional and mental health. The longer you let that kind of negativity poison your soul, the more you will start to loose apart of yourself respect.
If I were you I would call his bluff, take yourself and go to a hotel or a friends house for a night and then see what reaction he gives you. Maybe he really needs to get a scare. If he does then maybe its worth going to a marrige counselor. If not and he acts like he could barely care less, then I would seriously look into maybe leaving even for a temporary period. No one deserves to be treated like that!

[youngshan]

I left for 3 weeks this summer. Took my daughter and went to my parents... 5 hours away. It really got to him. We haven't fought since then, and things have been better. But I'm a teacher, and I'm able to do wifely things in the summer because I'm not working. Now that I'm back to work full time, I'm scared he's going to start getting angry again. When I get home the only thing I want to do is play with my daughter... not cook and clean. Its been a month and things are still good, but I sometimes fear the future.

[hanabelle]

I commend you on taking those steps to leave. I know it must have been hard. But what I have expirenced in the past is all it takes is you to leave for a liittle while and most of the time the other spouse becomes scared. Because now he has to face what life may really be like without you. Like cooking and cleaning on his own.
Im glad things have been goo so far since you have come back. Its true that there is always a chance that things could go right back to what was before. If he has learned anything from your departure, he should at least make an effort to try and change or get help with whatever issues he needs to resolve with himself. Because none of his issues are about you and how you manage a house etc. There about him and him only. He would treat any woman no matter who it was with the same disrespect. Nothing is more important than you and your child's emotional and mental well being. Happiness is important. I've been in close situation like you. Good luck with everything!-hanabelle ;)

[ask chelsea]

hello love I'm a specia help advisor,
how long has your husband been doing these actions? Has he eva hurt or hit you because if he hits you or destroys your stuff does that mean he loves you? Well when I was 13 my mum an dad split up an he was beating my mum up so she divorced him. But if u love him you should calm him down an talk to him an say lyk I really love you but please don't smash the house up or me cos that's what your doing.
if you have anymore problems or questions about this or any other subject just email me at : [email protected]

just ask chelsea for anything thanks
x x x x

[NeedKarma]

The problems your husband are having are easily resolved using Dianetics.

Scientology eh? You'd better get ready to poney up a lot of money for them to remove the aliens from your body.

[Leedee]

I feel for you, I really do I was once in a relationship exactly the same - he would verbally abuse me, smash holes in walls, doors, break windows and smash anything that was mine. I knew it was not "the ways things are meant to be" and I knew I would leave him one day - as I had kids it was a little harder. A big thing to was because he never hit me physically he thought it was normal!

I left him and I am now happier than I have ever been - it was hard because he used his standover takticks to try to get me back but it didn't work - I am now engaged to a wonderful man and we are trying for our first child together.

You can do it too!!

I believe mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse!

My advice is to you...

Stay strong - he is a weak "man" anyway.

You will come out on top!

[N0help4u]

He loves you because he knows you will be there to take the abuse. He will not change.
He needs some marriage counseling so they can explain how to relate to a wife. John Grays books (Men are from Mars,. ) are all good but I doubt he would even get a thing out of them. They might help you to learn a better way to get your point across to him though. Do you have somewhere you could go and stay until he figures out that he is taking you for granted and messing a good thing up with his behavior.
He needs to learn to relate to you in an appropriate manner and even if you do what he could take as criticizing him he should take it in a constructive way and learn how to respond in a better way.