there is more to the story, but what should I do if I have a MIL (let me add in here that she is upset with my husband and I b/c we do not allow her to be alone with our children due to her having medical conditions, and she also likes to get high, that I as a parent do not feel comfortable leaving my young children alone with her or her husband, they have had my oldest alone on a few occasions but I couldnt trust that she wasnt sneaking off to get high so I stopped asking them to watch her when I had to work) I have always had my door open for her to visit, I only asked that she call a day in advance and that ticked her off, but she would pop in for photo ops and leave, she actually sent me an email upset b/c she didnt have any photo's of my daughter over a certain period of time. She always has time to go out with her friends, and I understand that she is a grown woman, BUT she has never stopped living her life since her son was born, she would leave him at home with what ever pill popping drunk aunt they could find to watch him, her time comes first then when she is ready to visit with her grandchildren I am expected to drop on a dime and make time for her and if I already have plans then I am keeping her from seeing them.

ANYWAY, what should I do, if she didnt call, email, send a card nothing for her grandsons first birthday??

We have also caught her in TONS of lies, over the years she has cancelled numrous visits, then complains she is never allwowed to see her grandchildren, I asked to meet her a different place one time since my daughter had a double ear infection and she smokes in her house, she cancelled completley and went out of town with her friends instead.

I was emailing her updates b/c I do think she should be involved in their lives, my son doesnt know who she is, but my daughter does...I stopped the emailing when she didnt reply back, plus her son told me to.

I want her to see her grandchildren, but she only wants to see them if it can be her way, if it isnt her way she just doesnt come, what should I do, she says she cares but her actions prove otherwise

Altenweg

This is a tough one.

She's been this way for a long time, I doubt that anything you do or say is going to change the way she acts.

You have a few hoices;

1. You take what you can get. In other words, when she visits make it a fun visit for her and the kids. Don't bring up the past, just concentrate on that visit, big smile, like you mean it.

2. You keep talking to her about it, but be prepared that it probably won't work. You keep bashing your head against a brick wall sooner or later your head will split open, but the wall will remain unscathed.

I know it hurts. You can't understand why she's like this, because you can't imagine doing this to your own grandkids. She is what she is, you either accept her for that or keep bashing your head.

SunnSand

I guess that is the only two choices, the only thing is that history keeps repeating itself, and I jsut hate to see my children hurt, I have watched too many times my daughter watch out the door b/c her grandmother was on her way over for her to never show up. I have talked to her about it but she says that she has never not shown up, its like she lives in her own reality, somethings she says are not even true, we would spend the summer with them on weekends, then when my husband started working 6 to 7 days a week, she got mad b/c he didnt want to do anything when he got home, she is just so selfish, I doubt she will ever change

Thanks for the advice

Altenweg

A good way to avoid disappointment for your kids is not to tell them that grandma is coming. That way, if she doesn't show up, they won't have their feelings hurt. If she does show up then it's a nice surprise.

I know it's hard, trust me I know, I've been there, done that, stressed over it and then realized it's not worth it.

Just keep doing what you're doing, being a good mother to your kids and keeping the lines of communication open with your MIL.

SunnSand

well I did start not even mentioning that she was coming by, but it would still upset me b/c I would have set aside a whole day or evening and she not show up, or she would show up but could only stay 10 minutes b/c she had to meet her friends, and then my daughter cry. but why do I have to keep the communication open, if she isnt trying to find out things about her grandchildren why should I just offer it?

Altenweg

True, maybe you don't have to keep the lines of communication open.

She doesn't seem to care about anyone but herself, so it's time for her to learn that she either starts caring about her grandchildren or you'll stop caring about her.

Let me explain.

Don't set aside a whole day. If she says she's coming then go about your business. If you want to go out, go out. If she shows up and gets upset just tell her "Well, you hardly ever show up when you say you will so we figured we'd go have some fun, like you do. You're right, you shouldn't live your lives for others, only for yourself, thank you so much for teaching me that".

It probably won't work but it will make you feel better.

SunnSand

oh how I know wish i have the chance to say that to her...thank you

you are right, I don';t need to worry about her if she isnt worrying about us.

Altenweg

That's exactly right.

If she's not going to change her ways in order to be a part of your lives then just go on with your lives.

I hope I helped. I know this can be hard, like I said, been there, done that, but I learned not to care about things I can't control, only to care about things I can. I'm much happier now.