my daughter graduated 2 years ago still living at home. She has changed. She doesn't like me to hug her. She puts more importance in her friends. ( which we have questioned) she is very aware of having a relationship with God. She does well.. until she starts hanging out with her friends.. she doesn't have many girlfriends.. she is very beautiful girl and many girls are jealous of her.. I have done everything to encourage love her.. I have made mistakes and apologize. She just goes to work.. doesn't help with chores.. around house.. just all around doesn't care. after a long period of time I stopped asking her. I would just love her and do for her. Finally.. when one of her best friends that we thought was a seemingly good influence turns out that she thinks we treat our 20 yearold like crap. I found that out when one night she came in with her and seem like they didn't want to speak..kinda sarcastic.. I confronted my daughter and ask what is wrong.. my daughter was already upset with us.. because we ask her to abide by our house rules of being in by 12:30 - 1:00 pm. we are told we are too controlling. I told her and her friend that everytime she came in we seem to have problems.. now my daughter is not talking to me.. and went over to stay with her. I apologize to them both.. told amber I loved her and wanted her to just be safe and stop treating me like I am nothing. what do I do.. right now.. she hasn't called me or anything. I am so sad and hurt so bad. I have done everything. do I just leave her alone right now.

Northwind_Dagas

I think 20 is a bit old for a curfew. I could see how that would cause problems.

aqua@home

Maybe 20 is too old to be living at home? I don't know.

J_9

I agree with your answers so far. 20 IS a little old for a cerfew, and at 20, why is she still living at home?

I will go further by saying that you MUST stop apologizing to her! Why do you apologize for creating the rules that she is to follow while under your roof? You are the parent here not her. When you pay the bills, do the laundry and cooking and whatnot, she should be abiding by YOUR rules. She should be apologizing to you for breaking the rules.

It seems to me that she may be treating you like nothing because she may be embarrassed because you sound like you have no backbone.

I am sorry that sounds rough, but children respect their parents more if their parents are just that PARENTS, not friends.

I think it is time you two, you and her, not her friends, sit down and have a heart to heart chat. List the rules, if she does not follow, she leaves. If she does not pay rent, she should start. But I would loosen the cerfew, if you have one at all.

As for your last question, do not call her, let her come back to you and then when she does, only let her in if she will abide by your rules.

As my parents always said, if you live under MY roof, you follow MY rules.

Chery

Being a mother of a 29 year old, I know it's hard not to worry for your 'child', but we do have to realize that they 'grow up'. The only thing we can do is hope that they soaked in a little of what they learned while growing up under our care. If we did our jobs well, and they become independent we can consider ourselves lucky.

Your daughter will probably come home, tell you that 'you were right' and will probably come home with a new problem at least once a month. That's life.

But while she's living with you, you should eighter expect her to abide by your rules, pay a portion for 'rent' (what I did was put the money in savings for her - she did not know it) to start taking the responsibility for herself and her actions.

She will probably bring home many types of people that you will not like, but it's her way of finding out what types she will be faced with throughout her life and that is something you cannot do for her. She has to find many things like that out for herself.

So, even though she's still your daughter - you need to start treating her as a grow-up, and let her make her mistakes and gain her experiences - even if it hurts.

Good luck, dear, and I hope she calls or comes home soon.

pjp

Well.. she just called me before lunch and apologize. to those out there that read my questions and concerns. thanks so much. I think very soon she will be able to move out soon. We would like to see her do that. She really needs some space to grow now. It would be my preference for her to just stay at home save money and buy and storage furniture for future apt. but keeps spending her money. So I think this time we are going to loosen her curfew and get her to pay some rent.. and then take some wise advice and put in savings and give back to her. Surprise! anyhow.. we will continue to learn the lessons. and yes I agree I need to change as a Parent in treating her like a grown up. OK.. well bye.. until next time.. thanks for all the advice. bye.

CaptainForest

My advice.

One a child is no longer in school, she should be paying rent or finding another place to live.

Since she is not in college, she should either be paying rent or you should kick her out.

And about the curfew...she’s 20, she shouldn’t have one.

My curfew stopped after I graduated high school.

Perhaps part of the reason you are giving her a curfew is because you still see her as a child. Don’t. She is an adult now, treat her like one. That means, she should be paying rent. And if she doesn’t like it, tell her to get out.

Hard love, but it will help her grow up.

s_cianci

Yes, do leave her alone, in every sense of the phrase. She's 20 years old. If she doesn't like living by your house rules and your standards, then she moves into another home where the rules are more acceptable to her.

Jesushelper76

It is a parents job to raise thier child the best we can. The point of raising a child is teaching them from right and wrong and teaching them responsibility as well and independance. So when they are out in the world they will be able to take care of themselves. I would say you are controlling. I would say that you do treat her like a child. She is 20 years old. I can say this and give you plenty of examples of certain people who I know. That their mother had control thier lives so much that all they could do is live at home and it is almost as if the mother wants the child to be at home so they can take care of them. I do not believe that is right. I believe that you raise a child to let them have their own life and to let them go. The people I know, Well one moved on and out at the age of 27 years of age and this persons sister is still at home at the age of 32. Your 20 year old is a adult and you need to start treating her like one. Not continue to treat her like a baby. She can do whatever she wants at the same time I do agree that there are rules to follow, but a curfew is not reasonable at that age. So if she wants to leave, and hang out or stay at friends you need to let her go. I know you are worried about her but if you continue to control her it will just push her away a lot further, a lot farther. So you need to relax, and you need to let her do her own thing. Show her your love and understanding and open up to her, but do not push the curfew thing. I left home early myself because of very very very controling situations and it was the best thing that ever happened to me, I am hoping for the best for your daughter too. It is called independance which is a good thing if done that right way.

Krs

If this change is sudden, then i believe its to do with her age.
I know what its like to be a 20 year old female.

I was 19 when i left home, actually left my country, it did me a world of good, to grow up fast and became independant. If i stayed at home and never left i would have become a naive and dependant on my parents, as kids do when they stay at home.

I think its time for her to move and you as a mum have to let her go. She is not a kid.
Also a curfew of 12.30 - 1 is abit tight for a 20 yr old girl. I know i would have gone mental if mum did that to me. I had a curfew till i was 18 yrs old then i could come in what time i liked, im not saying my parents never worried, coz i remember comin in at like 4am and finding dad on the sofa reading the paper.. telling me he isnt tired but deep down knew he couldnt sleep due to me still being out.

Re: helping out in the house, then yes be strong and tell her she needs to start to help out. Tell her if she wants to be treated like an adult and not have a curfew at all or lenghten it for her then she has to start acting like an adult, and helps you out with house chores. thats only fair!
If it goes 1 way good for her, it goes 1 way good for you.

Parents have to let go sometimes.
Its the best medicine to get their kids back.

Good Luck.